Anyone else feel uncomfortable and a bit stupid at ante natal medical stuff?

[Serenitysutton]

I am rather clever, if I do say so myself. Am A professional and probably used to being a bit of an expert in my field.

However. I have never been in hospital or had much involvement with medical professionals (lucky me!) and have found the very limited contact I've had so far really hard.

My booking in appointment was just confusion and emotion- I felt as though I needed to take notes. I felt overwhelmingly emotional when they spoke about all the screening they were doing and found it confusing and sad. I felt a little bossed around and patronised and The whole thing just made me feel stupid.

I don't really have questions which they seem confused by but I feel as though I should have loads. As an example Midwife seemed surprised I agreed to HIV testing- I don't have HIV and have an extremely low risk group even if I didn't know that BUT I just figured why not get it all done, since they offered. But her reaction made me feel as though if done something weird and stupid, and I keep thinking about it.

Is it just me? Does it get any better later on? I'm only 10 weeks and low risk of everything at the mo, but I feel completely disassociated from the medical side of things.

Do some reading - otherwise you end up feeling massively patronised. Also, do remember that it's your body and at any time you can refuse something they are suggesting.

Agree with pp, do some reading. And if you want to take notes, do it!

I've done loads, cry. I prepared for ttc for years, I even read books on preconception. Ttc was done with scientific precision. I've read the pregnancy bible, what to expect plus loads of websites since finding out.
Maybe it's that I thought I was well prepared but it's not going the way I expected and it's flummoxed me? Maybe am over prepared, lol

I thought hiv testing was standard.

Reminds me of dh after nhs antenatal birthing session.... On the way out he asked me what a cervix is

I am confident DH has no idea what a cervix is!

I'm a biologist, medics being patronising drives me nuts. I have resorted to reading Scientific American while waiting to explain that I was discharging myself.

I thought HIV checking was standard too?

I found the antenatel stuff slightly frustrating and an anti climax really. I just wanted to get the pregnancy over and done with.

I think I found having midwives a bit weird. I normally deal with higher level professionals and I am more at home in this pregnancy dealing with a consultant. I think MW are more used to dealing with women who acquiesce, where as I tend to ask a lot of questions and having done a lot of reading beforehand probably meant that I was more informed than they are used to.

Well, you will probably have come across as pretty clever, and well read, even if you didn't say much. So MW may well have expected you to have realised that you are v low risk for HIV, and therefore perhaps not wanted to be tested, hence her reaction. It is standard to offer it. Not least because maternal treatment reduces foetal transmission.

Screening is often confusing, and emotional. Because you have gone and undertaken something quite deliberately (i.e. TTC, with care, taking the vitamins, avoiding the booze) and then someone you've never met is slightly taking the wind from your sails by suggesting that things have potential to not be "right".

Screening is something that should be much better discussed, not just got on with, because it has repercussions and ramifications for your entire pregnancy. And beyond.

Midwife ticked most of the other blood tests then asked specifically if I wanted HIV- asked if I was sure then said "I do need to explain about HIV testing. This won't come
Up on your insurances" (whilst I'm
Thinking.... Why the hell would it?) she seemed really taken back and asked me twice if I was sure.

At the end she said "well you are disgustingly healthy . I'm happy to tell you you will be able to give birth in the midwife led unit, as far it we know at the moment anyway" and wrote "place of birth- midwife unit x hospital" on my notes. I actually want to explore a homebirth, haven't chosen a hospital etc but she said it as though I should be very grateful she would let me go to the MLU.

I just thought I'll have this battle later, I'm just too intimidated and patronised at the moment.

My head knows the screening testing discussions and essential and sensible rempy. I'm so surprised by my own reaction. As you say maybe it's the lack of control?

Thanks everyone by the way, I'm already feeling better about it

I thought HIV testing was standard. She sounds rather unhelpful. Chances are you won't see her again and can hopefully have a more helpful conversation.

HIV testing is standard. Obviously it is a bit of a sensitive area, but I am in the same position as you and it makes total sense to have the test IMO.

But it doesn't sound like you got the discussion! Just the protocol and tests!

It is a lack of control, and perhaps your first experience of your pregnancy as a public event - which it does bizarrely become. People comment on your bump, your walk, touch you, comment about your proximity to delivery etc etc etc.

Please, ask questions. Don't let it drift by and then feel like this. She had an agenda (to direct your care pathway to the most suitable pattern of care and place of delivery) and has forgotten that you may have an agenda - getting some professional advice on early pregnancy.

And on a practical note - insurance agencies ask if you have EVER been tested for HIV, and if you say yes, ask for the result. So whilst the result is not shared by the NHS, should you subsequently apply for life insurance etc, you will need to declare that the test was performed. This does put some people off.

I had done loads and loads of reading because I wanted a home birth so wanted to make an informed decision, and I still felt like the midwife was being condescending to me. I work as a researcher, so imagine how pissed off I was when she said to me "you shouldn't read too much, you'll just end up confusing yourself" (I still feel grumpy about that comment).

It helped a lot when I made a really bossy birth plan! Then she just had to get on with helping me with what I actually wanted. The other midwives in the community team who I met were really goof though, I think you just get rogue shit ones every now and then.

Really good, not goof!

She should ask you your birth preferences not dictate. I think (hope) she probably meant that if you wanted to you would be able to give birth in the MLU. You don't really discuss your birth plan till much later, in my area I think it's week 36 when that's on the 'schedule' but I've already expressed that I want a home birth. But don't think she asked, I can't quite remember (At this weeks appt, 10 weeks)

I'm cynical but I just see it all as a form filling exercise, they have to cover their risks. But you are ultimately in charge, you don't have to agree to anything you don't want to, you can defer decisions while you do more research if you want to. Midwife should be able to direct you to relevant information on all choices. I'm lucky with this midwife, she is very good, asks at every stage whether I want xyz, etc. and explains what to expect from appointments. But they aren't all like this!

"People comment on your bump, your walk, touch you, comment about your proximity to delivery" - actually I think this depends very much on you and the vibe you give out. No one touched me while I was pregnant except DH, my mum (after asking) and a friend who I offered to let feel that DD had hiccups. I am obviously the sort of person who gives out a "don't touch me vibe". I also didn't get comments on how I walked or when DD was due. I didn't get texts or comments when I went overdue. All of this stuff depends on you.

I also have the "don't touch me vibe".

I'm a little curious to know what you expected to happen, as I went into my booking appointment with no expectations at all, so wasn't happy/sad or pleased/disappointed iyswim?

Also, all that happened on my appointment is a very very long list of questions, form filling and generation of printouts to go in my pregnancy notes. I think I was weighed as well.

They did ask me which hospital which I wasn't expecting to be asked so early on. I also wanted a homebirth and said so, but was asked to nominate a hospital anyway as the midwives were organised according to that. If I were you, the next appointment you have with a midwife, I would specifically bring up that the MLU has been written in your notes without your consent. Insist that they change it, and sign/date it. Then ask them to ensure that anyone who needs to be is notified about your request for a homebirth. E.g. I had a home visit from a midwife, near to my due date, to check that my house met Health & Safety requirements for a homebirth.

I was offered hiv test both times I knew full well I was ok but they had a needle in my arm so why not. I was fine both times but glad I did it.

Legally you are supposed to ask specific consent for an HIV test (as opposed to general consent that you're ok to take someone's blood which is all you need to take any other blood test) so perhaps that's all it was. This is because of problems with insurance previously as people are saying above.

I remember in my first pregnancy I met with this quite old midwife for my booking in appointment and said I wanted a home birth and she was like, "well. the midwife centre is lovely - you'll really like it" and I was like, yeah, great, but I'd like a home birth please, if all is well. And she wrote, really slowly and reluctantly, "???? Home birth" in my notes. Still makes me laugh! All the other midwives I met were great though!

Your midwife sounds a bit rubbish and bossy, hopefully you won't have to see her again. I was given a list at my booking in of what would happen at each appointment, if you have that it might help with preparing yourself if you need to be assertive over particular points (eg. screening tests, your home birth).

I have to say I was taken aback with how difficult I found the experience of being a 'patient' (from other HCP, not my midwives who are pretty great), I felt like a lot of control was being taken away from me even though that's not really what was happening - those hcp just happened to know more about what was going on in my body than I did which I didn't like! I think I'm just saying, don't expect to feel like that all the time, lots of midwives are great but do bear in mind that no matter how much reading you do, they will do have more training and experience than you do.

Am I right in thinking you're 10 weeks? There will be plenty of time to discuss whether you want a home birth etc. later on in your pregnancy. The booking appointment is mainly to make sure they get the correct information at the start of your pregnancy.

I have a lovely community midwife who is very helpful, but I find I have to ask questions to get the most out of my appointments. At my booking appointment I was asked which hospital I would be giving birth in, but at my last appointment (28 weeks) we had much more of an in depth chat about birthing options that are available in my area, and my midwife asked if I had thought about home birth as I'm low risk. She mentioned that the paperwork for a home birth is slightly different, and that she would like to know if I wanted a hospital or home birth at the 31 week appointment and suggested I do some research and talk to my husband. We've decided to go for the home birth - but even then we can still change our minds at a later date if we want and have a hospital birth instead.

At 10 weeks nothing is set in stone, she may have (wrongly) assumed you would want the MLU, but you are free to choose what you want at a later stage and even can still change your mind.

I think because I had read a lot I got ahead of myself when it came to midwife appointments - and expected to discuss things like the birth plan etc, before I'd even felt any movements. I'm still reading up on stuff, but I'm taking a much more relaxed approach as I know these things will be discussed at a later date.