Anyone else feel uncomfortable and a bit stupid at ante natal medical stuff?

[Serenitysutton]

I am rather clever, if I do say so myself. Am A professional and probably used to being a bit of an expert in my field.

However. I have never been in hospital or had much involvement with medical professionals (lucky me!) and have found the very limited contact I've had so far really hard.

My booking in appointment was just confusion and emotion- I felt as though I needed to take notes. I felt overwhelmingly emotional when they spoke about all the screening they were doing and found it confusing and sad. I felt a little bossed around and patronised and The whole thing just made me feel stupid.

I don't really have questions which they seem confused by but I feel as though I should have loads. As an example Midwife seemed surprised I agreed to HIV testing- I don't have HIV and have an extremely low risk group even if I didn't know that BUT I just figured why not get it all done, since they offered. But her reaction made me feel as though if done something weird and stupid, and I keep thinking about it.

Is it just me? Does it get any better later on? I'm only 10 weeks and low risk of everything at the mo, but I feel completely disassociated from the medical side of things.

Well I think, like anything, much will depend on the specific people you come across. I have met many midwives in my time, many were lovely and kind and not remotely patronising. Some others were not that nice or professional!

Surprised about the HIV testing, I've had it just as standard in every pregnancy despite same partner and no increased risk. Thinking back I could've declined but hey ho they're taking blood anyway so might as well have it all done.

I would say we are pretty similar. I found my midwife terribly patronising, am she also kept calling me "mummy", talking about "mummies" and seemed surprised when I used some medical terminology in reference to some minor health things that came up in the questionnaire they completed.
She had me mighty confused about what happened next, and seemed surprised by questions I did ask, "how do you know about that?!" kind of thing. I read up on things before TTC, prepared myself for it etc.
Rightly or wrongly, I just felt out of sorts from it- normally I am the knowledgeable and authoritative one in professional situations. The things I didn't know I was even more confused about after the appointment.
I think you just have to realise that they meet a wide range of people in their job.

My guess is that a lot of MLU are under-utilised so that midwives are encouraged to encourage women to use them.

I found the midwife at my first booking in appointment patronising and tbh quite insulting. She managed to insult my home, offend me and explained in great detail things that were incredibly obvious, whilst skimming over things that I would have liked explained to me because it was my first pregnancy. She seemed surprised that the baby was planned, when she found out dh and I had the same surname she asked if we were brother and sister (?!) and just wanted to give me lots of information about what to do in the event of our marriage breaking down. We got a very strong impression that she was used to dealing with poorly educated women in difficult family situations!
I felt a little bit at sea the whole way through and felt like if I didn't ask exactly the right questions I didn't get the right answer, but I didn't know what the questions were, if that makes sense. When my son was born I ended up with a 4 day stay in hospital, which I hated and I was basically told it was my own fault because I waited too long to let them know my waters had gone. Because I followed to the letter what I was told in my antenatal class rather than going with my gut instinct ( it was a baby boom, ward was under huge pressure, don't phone unless you have contractions, we're busy!)

This time round with ds2, I'm in control and I'm going to do what's right for me and my baby. Which means take midwives advice with a pinch of salt, they all tell you something different anyway! And if I think I need to be seen/ make a big fuss then I will. I think you just need to be confident when dealing with them and if you don't understand something don't be afraid to say so.

I agree with peppermint; the MWs will meet everyone, lawyers, doctors, politicians, nurses, factory workers, and part of their job is to try not to treat people differently. You shouldn't expect to be patronised by them, nor they by you. If they are being unclear in the information they are giving you, you need to refuse to end the appointment until you are clear, or to ask to see someone else who can explain. Unless you happen to get a very junior MW they will have seen 100s of women through their pregnancies, so they ought to be able to communicate with a broad sector of society.
You are far too early in your pregnancy to worry about birth options, home or otherwise, but they ave to 'book' you to a hospital so that the hospitals have some information on likely numbers of women coming in over coming months. You have plenty of time to research further and decide what you want, and to discuss/agree that at upcoming appointments. Try and relax a bit, the MWs are meant to be there to help you, and taking a combative stance against them just because they are openly willing to discuss screening tests with you is unnecessary.
fwiw, nearing the end of my 2nd pregnancy, as a highly-qualified professional, I remain grateful for the care and assistance that I have had from my MWs - they see so much pain, hurt and joy in their professional lives and I respect that. It doesn't mean I will routinely agree with everything they say, nor that I will accede to their every request, but had MWs not been involved in my 1st pregnancy there is a good chance that my beautiful nearly 3yo would not be here now.

I found writing a list of questions I wanted to ask the midwife, helped me a lot.
it meant I went away feeling I'd contributed to the meeting.

I disagree that "part of their job is to try not to treat people differently". All HCP should be tailoring their communication style to the patient they are seeing. It doesn't mean that the actual treatment is different, but their approach might be.

In some cases MW may be seeing people who have read more deeply on a subject than they have. I have found that some make stuff up, rather than following an evidence based approach or don't follow the current guidelines. I haven't been impressed by that and in the end (while having DD) tried to only see the MW who seemed to really know what they are doing. I am much happier now seeing a consultant for my current pregnancy - he is trained to a different standard and doesn't seem to be guessing things.

I think it is about power - pregnant women are made to feel.powerless and stupid because that makes them easier to.control and more compliant. I'm not saying that individual health professionals think this way, but that is how the system is set up.

i had the hiv test even though i am low risk, it was offered to me as a standard thing and I thought, why not?

pico, that is true, but nonetheless HCPs should treat people with dignity and respect (although dignity does go out of the window in late pg). That level of "treating people the same" i.e. not patronising is part of the job. I agree that they should tailor their response to individual patients, this responsiveness is part of HCP training.
A good HCP (or professional of any description) should be willing to admit when they're out of their comfort zone wrt subject matter - 3y ago I had a big row with my first HV about the rotavirus vax, she said we shouldn't get it as it might interfere with other routine vax, we agreed to disagree as she was clearly talking rubbish (and the vax is now part of the schedule). We changed HVs.
If you do feel that your MW or whoever is being patronising or offensive, you don't have to see that person again - you can ask to switch.

HIV should be offered as standard with everything else and, I think, should be done each time. Being HIV positive now is equivalent to having a chronic disease which can be well managed and not lead to a reduced life expectancy. Diabetes actually has a worse prognosis. I've been very happy to have HIV testing each time.

It really annoys me, as a HCP, when some HCPs, like this midwife, perpetuate the stigma of HIV and HIV testing by making it into a bigger thing than it needs to be. The prognosis/occupational outcomes for a positive, say, Hepatitis B screen are actually much more significant, but I bet she didn't say anything about that.

Anyway, you do, of course, have the right to refuse any of the standard testing.

I don't understand mrsbug's comment: I think it is about power - pregnant women are made to feel.powerless and stupid because that makes them easier to.control and more compliant. I'm not saying that individual health professionals think this way, but that is how the system is set up.

In what way is the system apparently set up this way?

I've never felt this way with MW or consultants. I think it may be "luck of the draw" to some extent; I've experienced some utterly dreadful, patronising doctors and nurses at other times and had to demand 2nd opinions.
I have also seen shrill, well spoken women at my ante natal clinic shouting and haranguing staff because they "know better" and want to be seen before others ( "I have an important, professional job - I cannot wait half an hour like these women!" ... it was slightly funny/infuriating- of course no one else there had a professional job we must all be little wives). So you might get MW who become defensive when a patient is clearly professional and confident? Some are more open minded than others - and deal with the possibility of challenge differently.

Also could there be an element of suddenly being out of your comfort zone and not knowing as much as you usually would? I train some pretty "clever" folk at work, being in a professional field myself and find it surprising which elements frustrate and worry different people. Often it is something they assumed would come naturally, or something they feel should be simple - and it can leave them really quite upset.

The HIS test thing is odd. No one mentioned it to me at all as far as I can recollect, though I ticked my way through consenting to every blood test (it's one needle that's going in anyway!). How strange she made a fuss. You'd think someone working in a gynie related field would be quite used to the idea of such tests.

I think ruth1104 makes an excellent point. Being clever + reading books does NOT equal a degree and years of experience. Add to that the stereotype of midwives and nurses handed down from past years as "nice ladies" rather than experts (which most people are exposed to ) and it can mean taking advice from one who perhaps lacks bedside manner can be a challenge. Especially if your own job might be one where your word is gospel ... or one which the outside world views as "cleverer".
This is something my DH really struggled with and avoided hcp because of. He either felt patronised or like he was powerless because a "bossy" nurse was in charge - which he hated.

I think so many of you have hit the nail on the head re not knowing what to ask, feeling out of control and midwives dealing with a hugs spectrum of people. ( which sadly I don't- most people in my life are pretty like me )

I feel do much better just getting it off my chest and reading your experiences. Thank you

At your booking appointment they work out your risk. You're obviously low risk which is why she said you can give birth on the mlu. It doesn't mean you can't have a home birth. At 10 weeks you've plenty of time to discuss birthing options.

serenity maybe a bit like you, in my job I am the one that other people expect to know all the answers and am the person people come to for advice and help. In order for me to feel like I have a bit of control when I go to my MW appoointments I always have a list of questions to ask (even if they are scribbled on the back of an old envelope! ). If I didn't have this, I really don't think that I'd feel like it had been a2 way cconversation if that makes sense.
Also, like someone else said, I'm definitely in the"do not touch my bump" camp! It's my pregnancy and I'll go about it the way I (and DH ) see fit.

I did feel quite rushed at most of my midwife appointments - they are often very overworked and if you're not well-prepared with your questions there won't be time for you to think about things and ask them.

Another thing I realised during my first pregnancy is that this momentous, life-changing event I was experiencing was a low risk and therefore low attention event for the HCPs involved- they didn't spend much time with me because others needed their time more.

Also, depending on which trust you're under, you should definitely tell the next midwife that you want a home birth. In my area this meant I transferred to a special home birth team which did case loaded (one midwife) care for all my antenatal appointments. It does vary from area to area though.

dino I meant that women feel powerless in all of the ways mentioned on this thread. I think for me it was the use of unfamiliar jargon, being in an unfamiliar medical environment, which made me feel that way.

But why is that different to any other patient experience? No one, in whatever sphere of medicine, should be using jargon with patients, although of course you get numpties in every job. The medical environment is of course going to be unfamiliar to most patients but that won't be to make people compliant.

As for home births, I was asked at my booking appointment at 8 weeks where I was planning on delivering! It wasn't properly booked until 36 weeks though.

They can't actually say 100% what they advise re birth that early anyway, so many factors come into play. You could be high risk to start with then low (like me) or the other way round if you got GD or something.

Indeed, I was a little surprised that they even asked when I just wanted my scan to check there was really a baby there, but perhaps it is about managing those expectations so they know how to pitch conversations if and when complications arise. I might ask the MW when I next see her (which I desperately hope will be when I am in labour - getting bored of this now!)

When you've done a lot of reading up on all stages of pregnancy etc, is there a chance you are getting a little ahead of yourself in terms of what you expect to be doing or discussing? I found that things didn't really start to get going until 25 week appointment, before then there will be very little contact apart from the scans. As a low risk, healthy pregnancy you'll be surprised how hands off the care will be. Definitely ask any questions that bother you, and ring the midwife unit at the hospital if you feel anything is wrong, but if you are having a normal, healthy pregnancy they need to do very little other than measure your bump, listen to the heartbeat, test your wee, ask how you're feeling and then send you on your way. As pp mentioned, what is a crazy life changing event for you is for HCP a straightforward normal pregnancy. Also agreeing with another PP, home birth most likely would not need to be discussed until later because something could arise during the pregnancy to make it impossible. And she probably is used to people being happy to be able to go in the MLU as most are happy they are having a straightforward enough pregnancy to not have to be consultant led. The first and second trimesters are hard because the pregnancy is all you are thinking about, but it'll be pretty hands off until 3rd trimester. I don't think I discussed birth plan Etc until my 36 week appt.