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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

GENDER CONFUSION

58 replies

jdr1234 · 09/09/2014 10:30

Hi All
Am looking for some advice, we have our 20 week scan next week and I cant decide on whether to find out the sex. I am desperate to know and have a very strong instinct its a girl. I think I want to be organised and mentally prepare for what is going to pop out but it is my first and lot of people have said the surprise at the end is worth it. Please could people who have done both comment on there experience- I also feel if we find out I don't want to tell anyone and wondered if that was just silly and if people had found out and managed to keep it from everyone else. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

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squizita · 09/09/2014 12:01

I had an overwhelming "boy" vibe ... 4 scans (medical, not a scan addict!) Say 95%+ sure GIRL.
They can never be more than 95% sure... I know someone who had a surprise boy! :) So I made all purchases more expensive than a baby grow gender neutral "cute cartoon animals" just in case.

I still call bump him by accident to this day... so who knows!

MultipleMama · 09/09/2014 12:04

We found out with all seven babies. I'm a nutorious planner and to me it was more associating baby with a name and as a person than anything else. When I was buying clothes, I wasn't bothered about colour but more about variety and quantity.

DH is also a planner and we are both impatient so it worked out for both us.

I also finding out because I love finding new ideas to tell our families. We've done collar tags, cake, boxes with balloons, t-shirts, and for this pregnancy DH revealled the PG and gender by flowers with a scan photo stuck where card would be. Didn't bother us who knew, we were just excited to share the news :)

CuppaSarah · 09/09/2014 12:22

Don't listen to anyone's opinion but your own. It's still going to be a surprise, you just get to choose if you want the surprise while your sat on a bed thing, with someone poking about your belly with an ultrasound thing. Or if you want it after hours of labour.

I knew I needed to know what I was having in order to get my head around it and make it feel more real. Some people needed the surprise of the gender to keep them going through the last weeks of pregnancy. You choose what's right for you.

Pasadenadreaming · 09/09/2014 12:42

We found out. Thought I was going to be having a boy (based on a dream!) but found out a girl at the 20 week scan. I was so excited when I found out and it made her seem so much more real and I really felt bonded with her from that point. My sister kept warning me that the gender scans weren't totally accurate though (but she was still a girl at birth!)

NotMrsTumble · 09/09/2014 12:55

Dc1 (girl) we didn't find out, in Scotland at that point you didn't get anything more than a dating scan. Dc2 (boy) I found out about a week before he was born, (they couldn't decide if he was breech or not) only dh & dsis knew, we managed to keep it quiet though. Dc3 (boy) we found out at 20 weeks, though to this day nobody else knew before he was born, although I had to fabricate a lie story that the baby's legs were in the way in the scan... I'm glad I found out and also glad we kept it to ourselves. I was so knackered after dd's birth (induction & forceps delivery) and she was whisked away so the paeds team could check her over (cord had been round her neck) that the "it's a girl" thing was totally lost on me. Knowing before with the other two definitely helped me prepare mentally for the little person who'd be arriving.

micah · 09/09/2014 13:02

I didn't find out. Because I don't think gender is important :)

I didn't want people telling me how my baby was going to behave based on what was between their legs. I didn't want a baby girl dressed exclusively in pink. I didn't buy much stuff anyway, bedding, couple of packs of babygros and a pram is easy to get gender neutral. I don't think planning for a baby boy is any different to planning for a girl :)

As it happened she was very emergency delivery anyway, so we didn't find out the sex until the paeds had finished resus.

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 09/09/2014 13:13

If you are going to find out and not tell anyone then you will have to 'fake it' to family- ie pretend to talk about names for both sexes, not show them gendered purchases etc. Many people also have family members who will try and trick it out of you. I would either find out and tell at least family or not find out personally.

pieceoftoast · 09/09/2014 13:13

Our 20 weeks scan is next week and personally we're finding out. We also have a 3.8 DS. We have been ttc since DS was almost 1 and it has been a long and complicated road with miscarriages and fertility issues - I feels like we have been waiting so long for another baby, I want to know everything I can about it as soon as possible! It's funny as after DS (whose sex we found out too), I thought that was that and I'd quite like a 'surprise' next time, but our perspectives have changed.

Plus I think it would be good for DS to know, help him along with the idea of no longer being an only child.

I liked knowing that DS was a boy before he was born. He was an unexpected pregnancy so it really got me used to the idea.

Always annoys me when people find out and don't tell anyone. I just don't see the point. I know it's none of my business but if you're going to find out and you're telling people you're pregnant, why not share the sex of the baby too? Just my opinion though, obviously people are entitled to do what they want!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/09/2014 13:53

What ever you decide, for the love of God don't ever share proposed baby names other than the truly preposterous to shut people up. There are quadrillions of threads on here with poor souls who have been totally bullied out of their favourite names by friends and family.

TinyMonkey · 09/09/2014 14:05

I'm 27 weeks with my first and we've opted not to find out. There have been points earlier on where I've been really quite desperate to know, but now I feel that I've got this far and another 13 weeks or so makes no difference, plus I have no preference. I want dp to be the one to tell me if we have a son or daughter in the delivery room. The baby is going to live in brightly coloured or white babygros for the first couple of months whether it's a boy or a girl.

Reactions have been funny, it seems that it's pretty much the norm to find out these days and people think you're a bit odd if you don't. I always was a bit contrary though. It's one of the few things left in life that you can't google an answer to. I thought it felt like a bit of an anti-climax knowing my nephew's name and sex (and having seen his face on a 4D scan), months before he was even born.

However, if we had another we probably would find out, just in order to prepare our existing child for a brother or sister.

twiglet2 · 09/09/2014 14:08

Getting the sonographer to write it down is a nice idea. I found it quite hard to tell what was what on the screen at my scan, and wouldn't have known our baby was girl if the sonographer hadn't pointed it out in detail, though it sounds like its hard not to know with some babies! Our sonographer checked with us about 5 times during the scan if we wanted to know, just to make sure.

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 09/09/2014 14:11

Agreed TreadSoftly. I more meant that when the MIL says "I just love the name PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock" it could be quite hard not to say "Thank god it's a boy", etc, etc. People volunteer names even if you don't discuss them!

squizita · 09/09/2014 14:20

Toast why ever would someone knowing what baby gender they're gestating annoy anyone else by not telling? It's not public property. They might just want to know for personal bonding or naming reasons or even for quite a serious reason eg medical needs that are gender related... I've never considered that it's in any way intended to be so you can tell others!?! Why would it offend if someone knew and didn't tell?

squizita · 09/09/2014 14:25

Penguins I've found people suggest names ... even if they don't know gender! Or have a "dream" or a "hint". like anyone will go "oh yes I'll name my child your random suggestion not a name I like ..."

MultipleMama · 09/09/2014 14:29

I always tell people my name choices and ask for them because I want their opinions, doesn't mean I'll take it into account or agree with them though. Also like people suggesting names, especially my family, they pretty good and suggesting names and I can laugh at the crazy ones.

I think if people want to find out the gender and not tell anyone, it's just like finding out your pregnant and not telling anyone. None of anyone's business.

I've never considered that it's in any way intended to be so you can tell others!?! - Agreed. You find out for yourself or for your partner (if I didn't want to know, I'd still let DH find out if he wanted to ) and if people then want to share that news that's also their business :)

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 09/09/2014 14:31

Squiz - I think maybe what Toast is thinking of is those "We know but we aren't telling" types. You know "I have a secret, a secret". I have actually known people make a big big deal of the fact that they know but aren't telling. As opposed to, you know, just not going on about something you don't want to tell.

On the names, agreed that people will suggest whatever. I more meant that, if you know but don't want to let on what you are having, those suggestions can be quite hard to respond to neutrally enough not to let the secret slip, I think.

MarlenaGru · 09/09/2014 14:37

We found out first time and didn't second time. I must say that I enjoyed the surprise second time but I needed to know first time round! The main benefit of not knowing is our daughter has lovely gender neutral clothing as first DD got only pink gifts! It was also a nice surprise at the end of labour to meet my baby girl. If it had ended up being a boy it would probably still be nameless at 10 weeks

ZebraZeebra · 09/09/2014 15:17

It's sex, not gender! Gender is something completely different. I don't know why this bugs me, forgive me for being a pedant!

Anyway, moving swiftly on...we didn't find out with DS. It kind of bugs me now I'm pregnant with DC 2 and have been really sick, something I wasn't with DS, and everyone is saying - oh it's bound to be a girl! Along with the whole "Oh it'd be lovely to have one of each". Errr no. They will be who they will be. Someone up thread talked about the possibility and potential that not knowing held - the potential to have a daughter or a son, which is very true and quite a lovely thought.

I also intensely disliked it when people - particularly family - said "Oh I hope it's a boy/girl". You shouldn't have any preference - this is my baby we're talking about! They're not even born yet and it feels like they have to meet some standard you've set. I think I was quite sensitive to it last time.

There is no right or wrong. It doesn't matter if you find out and don't tell anyone or don't find out or anything. This is your pregnancy, your baby. It doesn't matter to anyone else what comes out - boy or girl. They're your baby :)

MultipleMama · 09/09/2014 15:49

We know that, Zebra, but I don't like saying "sex of the baby" sounds creepy - no offense to those who do!! I prefer gender, and of course that can change depending on the child/adult.

DH hoped it would be another girl and I hoped for girls last pregnancy - but he was delighted when we found out the little one was another boy. He had no expectations whatsoever, just thought it would be equally as lovely do have another little girl. it's not a preference, I didn't give a toss whether they were boy or girl. I think you're making those (maybe not intentional) who do say stuff like that out to feel bad for feeling that way...

Anyway, OP, it's a personal decision. Only you can decide. For me, finding out was a delightful experience, just as other's having a surprise is delightful to find out at birth :)

pieceoftoast · 09/09/2014 15:55

squizita, yeah, Penguins pretty much has it nailed. Wouldn't offend me in the slightest. Just find it a bit daft. Couldn't care less if it's got balls or not but what's the point (medical reasons excluded) of saying "I know but I'm not telling"?! Don't get it.

01952louise · 09/09/2014 15:58

The main reason we found out was because we have had 2 previous miscarriages, 1st one a mmc and 2nd one was what they call a normal miscarriage.

It made it more real for us to know the sex, easier to buy for and like I said I am very impatient and hate not planning everything I do.

It's your decision at the end of the day, do what makes you and your OH happy.

It doesn't make you a bad person wanting to know nor wanting to buy pink/blue.

SomeSunnySunday · 09/09/2014 16:07

It's so personal.

I didn't find out with DC1, found out at a late scan with DC2, and found out at 20 weeks (and subsequently had a gender scan to confirm it) with DC3.

Honestly, either way is nice! I liked having the surprise at birth with DC1, but I'm also finding it nice to know with DC3, and it's helping me to bond with my baby when I'm otherwise quite busy with my children and not that focused on the pregnancy.

squizita · 09/09/2014 16:41

Toast ah I see. :) Yeah that would be odd. Guess some people love the drama! I always l tell if asked bit also don't want to be a baby bore so don't mention it 24/7!

Zebra I have had people constantly telling me I have a "boy bump" ... I find it a bit bizarre and sexist tbh. Like bubs is being labelled pre birth. They'll pretty much say "yeah scan says girl but she's too prominent so she must be a boy..." Wonder what they'll say if she inherits DHS lover of boxing and Xbox games or my dreadful taste in rock music? Also had eyebrows raised at randomly buying clothes both pink and blue: the traditional say not girlie enough, some others say any pink is sexist (and get irritated if I baby-fy my usual internalised sexist question "would you say the same about a boy ie any blue was wrong even if he wore pink too?). It's all from the charity shop, I just bought what I needed and looked good, any old colours will do.

ZebraZeebra · 09/09/2014 17:18

squizita yeah it drove me nuts that you get girls clothes - dresses, skirts etc in "boy" colours and yet you're REALLY be making a statement if you put your little boy in pink. Or god forbid, polka dots...because apparently they belong to girls People just can't wrap their heads around it. A boy...in pink? But he must be a girl! Because he's wearing pink. It's like something out of Catch 22.

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 09/09/2014 17:22

Yes, I must say it is culturally a lot easier to say "Oh, I don't care whether it is a boys or girls outfit" when you are dressing a girl. I find it much harder with DS.

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