Will I really be desperate for help once DD is born?

[Sabellassweatyforehead]

Preparing for birth of DD in early November (my PFB!) like all first time mothers I have no idea what it is going to be like in those first few weeks/months of having a newborn, so am going to go with the flow.

Been negotiating the mother/MIL gauntlet.

My mother is a narc, emotionally abusive most of the time, and physically abusive about three times a year when she gets too close. I have put her on limited contact since the begipnning of this year. She assumed she was going to be at the birth and that she was going to move in as soon as DD was born. I put her right on both of these points, cue much crying/tantrums and running to my enabling father who calls me frequently and tries to get me to "see sense" and "be nice/show some respect." Just goes over my head now.

Cue MIL, assuming that as I had decided not to have my own mother, that SHE will move in. MIL is a good humoured battleaxe who has had a really tough life and thinks that crying/emotional behaviour is for pussies and that women should be up and running two hours after birth. Hardly the person I want around at this point. Her assumption of coming was greeted by much support from my DH who told me that she had sacrificed so much for him in his life, the "least he could do" is allow her those precious weeks with his first child. Again, I said no, cue much offense and ruffling of feathers.

I spoke to friends with children about my boundary setting and they are all raising eyebrows. They say I won't feel like this once DD is born. That "just you wait," I will be desperate for a break, for some rest, will get to the point where I'm so grateful for three nutritious meals a day cooked for me by a mother/MIL figure, or someone just to help over those first few weeks. They are implying I have burned my bridges/looked a gift horse in the mouth.

Neither MIL or narc mother have offered "unconditional" support (ie if I need them I can call them.) It was more one chance to pick one of them and bad luck to the loser. As DH had elaborated on my feelings about my mother to my MIL, she automatically assumed she had "won."

So, DH and I are completely alone. Are we going to be able to do this?

You will probably be grateful for 'help' in the sense of people bringing you nice hot meals and taking away bags of dirty washing (both of which were done for me by lovely friends) but you won't want emotionally draining people setting up camp in your house. IME.

What kind of hours will your dh be working?

It all depends on how you are after the birth. If not a C/s or any major stitching work then you might be fine.

My DS is 16 now - so it's all a hazy memory - but I didn't have or want anyone around the house helping.

i was in hospital for 2 days, then came home. (Ex)DP only got a few days off for paternity leave and i was just me and PFB. We were fine - I slept a lot, as did DS. I do remember eating a lot of indian takeaways for dinner!

Really many new mothers do manage without having an extra body in the house. A litle prep before the birth (freeze some dinners ), and get DH to crack on when he is there and you will be fine.

It is nice to have helpful people in the house for short periods of time. My mum and my mil are both loving and helpful people. Both came to stay for relatively short times when dd1 was born and mum spent a night or two with dd2 and one night with dd3. I appreciated that but I didn't NEED them. It was nice to have my mum sitting with me as dd3 screamed or fed all night and it was nice that the next day dh could take the older girls to church whilst she cleaned my sink but I could have survived without.
Needy, bossy, manipulative people though are NO help at all and you're better off by yourselves.
Stock the freezer, invest in new and cosy pjs/loungewear, possibly get dh to take washing to a laundry for a service wash. Find out about bumps and baby groups you can go to with newborns and make new friends with young dcs and you will be fine.

Yes. You will be able to do it, just the two of you. It will be hard but you'll cope. Far, far worse is the prospect of DM/MIL giving you useless, outdated advice about babies and making you feel bad about your instinctive choices regarding your baby. Perhaps you have friends who, instead of buying baby things, could do some batch cooking for you, or help to tidy up...?

Personally I'm with you - I don't want anyone LIVING in my house. I don't want to queue for the bathroom, I want to sit around with my leaking boobs out, crying and whinging or whatever, without judgement. I find house guests stressful enough when I'm on a normal emotional level, not when I'm having hormonal crashes and huge adrenaline highs. I think that's going to be enough for me and boyfriend to cope with, without extra bods around making it difficult.

But then I'm a FTM too, and I may eat my words come October. I'm kind of thinking that I know myself pretty well after 40 years though, and I'm comfortable with my decision to ban anyone from staying. Boyfriend and I have to learn this stuff, and I'd prefer sink or swim.

I reckon you'll be fine. What's the alternative?!

You'll be absolutely fine without either of them. My mum always said to my sister and me growing up that when we had a baby, she would come and stay for 2 weeks after the birth and look after us, while we looked after our babies. In the last 5 years, my relationship with her has deteriorated, and when DC1 was born I certainly didn't want her staying with us. She did it for my sister, and even she kicked her out after 4 days! Providing your DH mucks in, you'll be totally able to cope. And it's really lovely to spend time adjusting to and getting to know your new little family, I felt. Good luck.

I'm surprised your friends reacted like that... I am expecting my second baby in late Nov. My sister is coming to take care of our son while I am in the hospital, but leaving as soon as I come home. Then we are asking for 3-4 weeks before anyone visits, so we can get to know our baby. We had almost a month when our son was born before anyone came (particularly if they wanted to stay at our place). We have no family nearby, so once any of them visit it is for at least a few days. For people who have family in the same city, I imagine it would be nice to have family 'drop in' for an hour here, an hour there. I really think that, as you are the one who will be going through birth and subsequent recovery, you need to be 100% honest about what you want for those first few weeks. That is how I would have explained it if anyone in either of our families had felt put out... but noone was (or didn't say so!). I can't imagine I would ever want to crowd someone who's just had a baby, even in the future if I were to become a grandma - it is just an alien concept to me!! Oh, and as for wondering if you'd need help, I can only go on my experience and I didn't feel like we needed anyone else (in fact, once people did start to visit, I'd be more exhausted by the time they left!!) Good luck!

Firstly batch cook on mat leave and fill the freezer, secondly a bit of dust from lack of housework is fine. As long as you are under no illusion to the fact that you will be tired and sore enjoy those first few weeks snuggled up on the sofa, you won't get them back! This is your first, you have no other dc to look after, all will be fine.....

You've done the right thing IMO. I'd much rather struggle on my own than be around either of options.

If it's all or nothing with 2 people that overbearing, I'd definitely pick nothing.

You have made the right decision. Absolutely.

Not through choice but circumstance we had no help at all. Both ours came home and then got readmitted due to jaundice, and Tbh if we had well-meaning but pain in the arse relatives living with us I would have had a breakdown.

So my advice is first time baby's came come at 37 weeks not always late, be ready!

Fill the freezer with milk, bread, ready meals, batch cooking.

Have a mountain of nappies, wipes, cream, muslins, vests, ready to go. Be prepared for sick and explosive poo. So don't nappy change on your bed, or you'll have to wash that too.

Have everything ready basically and talk about what chores DH will do. You will be doing 100pct baby care, he will be mucking in too. Make sure he knows he's doing the cooking/laundry/basic cleaning.

Have lots of maternity pads in for you, you will need a lot of them.

And honestly unless your comfortable around a person whilst walking about in a sicky nightie with your boobs out, don't invite them over until you're settled.

We have no family nearby and dh went back to travelling for work very quickly with dd1. Feeding was hard and she didn't sleep well. My personal life saver was baby groups from three weeks and making new friendships.

People living in my house with me would have been an utter nightmare.

I think you've made the right decision. When my DD was born I got help from mum/mil but in the form of dropping round meals/popping in to hold the baby while I showered etc. then they went home. I am so grateful for that help but I couldn't have coped with either of them living with me full time. It would have been the opposite of helpful!
Do what suits you, the first few weeks are precious ( amongst other things!) & you don't want to look back with regret.

Of course you and DH will be able to do this. Why on earth wouldn't you be? You might be desperate for a break, but it doesn't sound like you will get a break with either of these 2 women around. They just sound like they will be a lot more pressure and work, like looking after the baby and entertaining house guests - the last thing you need with a new baby. And as for nutritious meals, you only need one cooked meal a day and it will be far less stressful to order a takeaway.

It is probably different if you have a much loved and genuinely helpful mother to stay, but, honestly, neither of these 2 sound as if they fit the bill.

It's really not so bad as to need a live in carer

Helpful unassuming people are a godsend. Self centered people and overbearing people will make it x100 harder. Yours fall into the latter so will be more of a hinderance then a help.

You'll be fine.

I'm a new first time mum. My mother wanted to be involved in everything from day dot. Like you I put my mother in her place.

I had a pretty straightforward labour and was only kept in hospital for one night due to blood pressure. We have a no visiting unless invited rule and opt to visit people at their houses instead so we can leave when we have had enough. We have managed fine without help off any friends or family and we are glad we stuck to our guns and didn't cave in to suit other people. Granted my house isn't the showhouse it usually is but we are getting decent meals and plenty of exercise.

Next gauntlet...approaching Christmas Day arrangements with both sets of parents....JOY!!!

Don't cave in to suit others

I don't think either your mum or your mil would be the kind of help you would need so relax, plenty of couples manage without family moving in (we did) and sure it's hard but you were expecting that I hope! You will be fine, and more relaxed than with either mum in situ it sounds like.

We had DS1 (and 2 years later DS2) with no help, DPs parents are no longer with us and I'm NC with mine, seriously its OK - I'd say start by lowering your expectations, its fine not to do dishes/washing/hoover etc everyday, eat a bit more "instant" food and spend most days in your pjs for the first 3 months few weeks whilst you find your feet
Congratulations, you'll be fine and fwiw I think you've made the right choice too, remember you could always post on here if you feel you need a bit of a hand hold at the beginning

You will be fine. MIL is no longer with us and when DD was born DM was full time carer for DF so didn't offer. Not that I would have taken her up. DM and I get on ok but just wind each other up. I would have found it stressful having her there.

I posted about this last week my MIL is even trying to be there to come out of hospital!!

I'm going it on my own and it will be fine! OH isn't incapable of putting a load of washing in when he gets home and we live in town shopping can be delivered and worse case scenario my house will be dirty and il order a take away!

You can order baby grows online too so ok it might not be cheap but there's an option to get everything delivered should u be unable to leave the house and that's my plan should I not be able to move!!

As far as I'm concerned if I want to sit and cry with drippy boobs and worse there's no one I feel comfortable with other than OH and that's the way it will be! I'm going to make sure MIL only comes when he's here and he can get rid I'm not arguing about it anymore it's too tiring!

I think if you have someone good to come and help then its nice, however, in your circumstances it certainly doesnt sound that way, so would in all likelyhood be a stressful unhelpful situation.

The main thing is batch cook now as food will be hard to cook once your newborn is here.

We didn't have any help with our DS - it would have been a nice luxury, but I didn't expect or need it. My mum is dead, DP's mum doesn't really do small babies, and no one else offered. We got lots of visitors, but no one stayed over or did much practically. We were fine. There were probably lots of takeaways involved and the house was a tip, but who cares?

We didn't have anyone to stay and help and I was very grateful for that!

You and your partner need time alone together to work out how the reshuffling of housework and babycare etc works - you need lots of time feeling comfortable with getting your books out if you want to breastfeed.

Visitors who stay for an hour and bring a cooked meal are wonderful, 24/7? Nope.

I think you have made the right choice. Ds is 4 weeks old now but when he was first born I was grateful for help with friends popping in to do the washing up, bringing lunch etc but when people had been in and out all day I was so glad to have the evenings with DP and Ds to ourselves. I don't think I would have coped with anyone moving in.