Will I really be desperate for help once DD is born?

[Sabellassweatyforehead]

Preparing for birth of DD in early November (my PFB!) like all first time mothers I have no idea what it is going to be like in those first few weeks/months of having a newborn, so am going to go with the flow.

Been negotiating the mother/MIL gauntlet.

My mother is a narc, emotionally abusive most of the time, and physically abusive about three times a year when she gets too close. I have put her on limited contact since the begipnning of this year. She assumed she was going to be at the birth and that she was going to move in as soon as DD was born. I put her right on both of these points, cue much crying/tantrums and running to my enabling father who calls me frequently and tries to get me to "see sense" and "be nice/show some respect." Just goes over my head now.

Cue MIL, assuming that as I had decided not to have my own mother, that SHE will move in. MIL is a good humoured battleaxe who has had a really tough life and thinks that crying/emotional behaviour is for pussies and that women should be up and running two hours after birth. Hardly the person I want around at this point. Her assumption of coming was greeted by much support from my DH who told me that she had sacrificed so much for him in his life, the "least he could do" is allow her those precious weeks with his first child. Again, I said no, cue much offense and ruffling of feathers.

I spoke to friends with children about my boundary setting and they are all raising eyebrows. They say I won't feel like this once DD is born. That "just you wait," I will be desperate for a break, for some rest, will get to the point where I'm so grateful for three nutritious meals a day cooked for me by a mother/MIL figure, or someone just to help over those first few weeks. They are implying I have burned my bridges/looked a gift horse in the mouth.

Neither MIL or narc mother have offered "unconditional" support (ie if I need them I can call them.) It was more one chance to pick one of them and bad luck to the loser. As DH had elaborated on my feelings about my mother to my MIL, she automatically assumed she had "won."

So, DH and I are completely alone. Are we going to be able to do this?

As others have said you will be knackered but fine! The key is in the planning so start now. Don't underestimate batch cooking and filling the freezer, bread and milk freeze too.

Make sure you are well stocked up on essentials for the baby: nappies, wipes, muslin, nappy cream, pump, bottles, steriliser, even a couple of bottles of ready made formula if you are planning to breast feed as though you may not use it, they have good use by dates and can avoid a 3am tesco dash,

For you, plenty of maternity pads, nipple cream, painkillers etc,

Practicalities, stock up on stuff like tea, coffee, squash (bf makes you thirsty!), washing powder, toilet roll, fairy liquid, any pet food.

Don't beat yourself up about ready meals/ frozen pizza/ takeaways, absolutely fine for the really days, keep a stash of cash in the house for takeaways and the numbers close to hand.

Don't feel bad about battering down the hatches and only letting people visit on your terms, if they are helpful great but don't let anybody outstay their welcome or feel bad about asking people to leave. Enlist your DH's help to be assertive if needs be.

Can't contribute any experience as I'm also expecting my PFB but you sound totally sorted and sensible. The mums don't actually seem to be offering to help, they just want to be (over) involved with their grandchild so not actually doing you any favours. My (awesome) mum's coming to stay nearby (at my granny's) for a week after DH goes back to work and it hadn't occurred to me that I'd need more help than, and don't think I'd want anyone staying in the house. Apart from anything else, it's precious time as a new family you won't get back and of course there'll be difficulties as part of that.. but I thought that was just life.

Saying all that, my DH's parents are dutch and horrified that we don't have anything like the dutch system where you are assigned a nurse for the first few weeks who comes in several times a day (and night, i think) to help with household chores as well as look after you and the baby. I think the words were, 'how will you manage?!' :/

It prob depends on your birth, how you feel emotionally afterwards eg if you get some pnd and on the baby. Personally i didn't need anyone but my dh. I has done loads of cooking prior to baby being born and freezer was full - m&s is just down the taus and we lived off their ready meals for a while! I did have lots of visitors and mum and mil where there if I needed then but I didn't. But I had a good birth, an amazing dh, a good baby who bf brilliantly (which I know is lucky!) and I was on an emotional high for many weeks after birth. I also felt very ready for a baby and was very relaxed about the whole thing. Some of my friends felt very differently and has quite the opposite experience feeling quite overwhelmed by it all so needed extra support.

I would deny people staying over if it's going to be stressful and use dh and friends as much as possible. The last thing you need is extra stress!

If your husband has paternity leave and is half decent then the practical help these two future grandmothers could offer does not seem worth the emotional cost their presence will take from you.

I bf so dh did ALL the shopping and cooking for his two weeks paternity leave. And more so in his first weeks back at work. We didn't have anybody come round to help but we dud drop ds at mil's once for a couple of hours at about six weeks when I got flu and dh had to work.

The thought of even my (nice) DM and MIL 'helping' after my DC were born even now makes me start to freak out - my DC are 2 and 4

It was hard, but I was VERY territorial post birth and the very last thing if have wanted was someone 'helping'.

Even cooking hot meals/tidying/washing - no. Just no. I didn't want 'a break', I didn't want advice or someone to mind the baby when I tried to sleep.

Glad it's not just me! I'm feeling territorial now!

MIL has bought a load of clothes and is keeping them at her house for when baby stays!! Erm not happening and keeps trying to put me off breast feeding so she can feed.

I know it's not going to happen but it's stress that's not required. I know I'm a ftm but I'm 32 have run my own house since I was 18 and I'm sure will muddle through! If it's a mess, the dog doesn't get walked and we eat takeaway so what I don't think any of those are causes of death!!

Apart from anything else I need to find my own way I've already got MIL telling me what my routine should be and had to go to their house in secret and steal back my house key so she can't let herself in!

I didn't have anyone and it was fine. You will get yourself into a routine once you get to grips with things. I certainly would not want anyone I do not feel relaxed and comfortable with. You would regret it if you did. Whilst it will take time getting used to the demands of your new pfb and fitting them into your life, that is all pay of the experience and I loved that dh and I had that time together just the two of us.

I think you've done the right thing as long as your OH is going to do his bit (basically taking on the cooking, washing and any cleaning, as you will spend a lot of time feeding). It's amazing what you can do on pure adrenaline to start with, and I think you will really appreciate having your own space. My Mum is very practical and non judgemental and I loved having her there for the odd day, but I wouldn't have wanted anybody else there for more than an hour or two!

You've done good, and you'll be fine. The very fact they got upset about it proves they are not the right people to help you: they are making it all about what THEY want.

xxx

Youll be fine, I had my first at 20 while living away from any family and we had no problems. My dm came up and visited for a day some weekends but there was no one helping with house work/meals etc. I would have hated having someone move in with me for the first weeks, I like my privacy.

Looking after a baby is tiring, but it's really not that bad. As PP have said, just accept that the house is going to look a bit of a tip for a few weeks and concentrate on spending time with the baby.

For me, it was bad enough having to play hostess for an hour or so here and there - the thought of someone other than DH living in, and having to be presentable, queue for the bathroom etc would have driven me over the edge!

I'm in a similar position and have been at the receiving end of some raised eyebrows from people when I have explained I won't be having any family members to stay to 'help out'. DH and I live overseas and find it stressful enough dealing with family visitors flying in and staying 24/7 for any length of time in normal circumstances, let alone with a new baby to look after. We decided on balance that it would be more stressful than helpful to have live-in visitors, so we have decided to go it alone. Hopefully with some careful planning and a bit of luck, it will be ok. Good luck OP, I'm sure we will both be fine!

Yes, of course you will be able to do it. For me, the emotional blackmail side of things would outweigh the benefits of any physical help. Your MIL should be offering you support when you need it, rather than expecting things on her terms. I would politely say that you will appreciate any help but that you want your own space to get used to being a new parent.

You will be fine. My parents are like yours and were a nightmare. In fact none of my visitors so much as offered to make me a tea. I imagine having people that actually want to come and help you would be lovely but if they are overbearing or toxic, it just causes more stress at a tme when you need it the least.

I wish I had put more boundaries in place in pregnancy, I would have saved me a lot of stress.

Stick to your guns and don't let either of them stay. The first few days are important recovery and bonding time for you and both of these are easier without added house guests. I actually found it easier to get house stuff done with a newborn than while pregnant once the worst of the birth recovery was over with, you will manage fine.