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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Fiancées Ex Jealous of my pregnancy?

50 replies

expectantmum79 · 04/08/2014 17:17

My fiancée has a daughter from a previous relationship, although she lives abroad my OH is a good father and provides financially as well as spending quality time with his child. He recently told his daughters mum about my pregnancy (I'm 18 weeks) and this was her response:

Hi (name)! What a news!:-) well, congratulation to both of u. I am happy for you:-) When is a baby due? Can u notice that (name) is pregnant already or not yet? (name) is in stage she might be very jealous and upset because u will have another baby and u will have less time for her. So I would suggest not to tell her yet, if it's not noticeable and wait later after she is back home. She needs your full attention while she is over so I do hope u will not work. And (name) does need you! You r her daddy and for the rest of her life she needs to feel u love her and care for her no matter how far you r, if she has another brother or sister. No matter if you have new family as she is part of your family! :-) I do hope u will continue to help me to raise her up and support her in every way. (Name) x

Any feedback would be appreciated folks - I'm finding this behaviour very strange and I don't think it's in my fiancées daughter's best interest to hide my pregnancy. I think that would make her more likely to be jealous. Nor do I appreciate her interference in my relationship. My fiancée thinks this is simply a language barrier issue but I don't agree.

OP posts:
JennyBlueWren · 04/08/2014 17:23

It sounds like she's worried the daughter will be forgotten about and needs reassuring. Would've thought the best way to do that would be to involve her in becoming a big sister e.g. talk about how she's going to have a little half brother or sister and how daddy will love them both and take her baby shopping to choose something special for the baby from her.

Iflyaway · 04/08/2014 17:26

Congratulations, by the way!

I, m a bit confused. You don,t mention the age of his DC. So she could be well within her rights to protect her DC. (theirs).

You will have to come to terms with the fact he has another child who,s abroad, with all that entails...

If all of you can work together for all of your futures, great. Cos that is the bottom line.

From what you have written, she doesn, t sound like an awful woman.

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax · 04/08/2014 17:30

Well Smile

Speaking as somebody whose xh is engaged (she's not pg that i know) you are a factor in this situation too. She apparently cares if you show or not, and you care that she cares if you show or not.

The child you are carrying will be her daughter's half sibling so I think you have to allow her a certain amount of interest. I would be sad for my children if their father had more children. That doesn't make me unreasonable. It makes me aware of my children's feelings.

I would be worried if my x had more children because tbh, I'd worry that the new wife would become all mrs dashwood about it. You only have to look at threads on here to see how real a concern that is.

so, I think you're being a bit unrealistic.

LineRunner · 04/08/2014 17:30

So the little girl is visiting her dad right now? And her mum is asking him not to tell her right now, and can he be with her full-time and not at work, i.e. not leaving her with you his pregnant partner?

I guess a lot depends on how established all your relationships are, how old the DD is, etc.

NorwaySpruce · 04/08/2014 17:32

I don't think she sounds jealous at all.

She sounds happy for you both, and concerned that her own child will be prepared in a suitable way for what is a big event.

Siblings can have a very hard time coping with a new baby, but if you let the child's mother guide you, it should work out well all round.

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax · 04/08/2014 17:34

ps, just re-reading the xw's text and her behaviour isn't strange at all. It is reasonable, concerned and polite! I think you should count your blessings that the man you decided to married was married to her first and not to somebody that is genuinely difficult.

Molotov · 04/08/2014 17:35

Your DSD's DM sounds insecure. It's tangible to her that her ex is in love with you; you're having his baby and that her baby will become secondary.

I would show her that is not the case by treating her dd as if she were your own (I'm assuming that you already do). Involve that little girl in every aspect of her new sibling's in utero development Smile It's wonderful. Don't hide your pregnancy.

Congratulations and I hope everything works out for you.

squizita · 04/08/2014 17:38

She sounds very reasonable and these sound like 'real world' concerns - not excessively jealous at all. Just worried about her DD - some dads do forget children who are much older, live far away etc' when they have another and this might well dwell on her mind.

Try not to take it personally: this isn't having a go at you, it's her trying to shelter her child.

Phantomteadrinker · 04/08/2014 17:41

I don't think she sounds jealous, I just think she's being protective and 'mummy bear' like to ensure her child isn't forgotten (it happens). I thinkshe seems pretty reasonable tbh.

Original poster
expectantmum79 · 04/08/2014 17:43

Thanks both, I definitely think it is a better idea to 'involve' her, my 11 year old son is delighted to be choosing baby things and thinking about names.

I'm not saying that she's an awful woman, she's a good mum but gets a bit hysterical. My OH has given her no reason to think he'll stop supporting his daughter (she's 6 btw). I also have a great relationship with the little girl and enjoy having a little girl around.

I just don't appreciate being told I have to hide my pregnancy in effect.
She lays it on a bit thick - my partner is a good dad or else I wouldn't want to have children with him. I think her comments are OTT and a little hysterical.

OP posts:
Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 04/08/2014 17:44

I think she is just worried for her little one.

Although she has no say in when your dp tells her your having her little sibling.

Take it with a pinch of salt.

squizita · 04/08/2014 17:44

you're having his baby and that her baby will become secondary.

It would be AWFUL if that happened! Shock Yes, she's his ex but their child is his first child, remains his child and will always be his child. She should absolutely not be relegated to second best - not if he has another child with the same mum or a different mum!

That is a child. They shouldn't expect to become the second-best because daddy has a new baby- with any partner. And their mum is NOT unreasonable or insecure for wanting to prevent that ever happening.

Just because someone remarries or has another partner and another kid, it doesn't mean their own flesh and blood child from the first marriage should become SECONDARY. How utterly heartless that would be.

If she feels 'insecure' that might happen or has any reason to, it's not her problem ... it's his responsibility to reassure her.

NickiFury · 04/08/2014 17:51

Her concerns are legitimate. Anyone would be thinking and worrying about that. She's not telling you to hide your pregnancy, she's worried about how her dd will take it. Ultimately though it's your decision when to tell her obviously.

I don't think her comments are OTT and hysterical at all. They're directed at the father of her child, I think she's been very open and congratulated you etc.

Honestly can't see a problem here.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Thanks

ThistleDoMeNicely · 04/08/2014 17:54

How has she interfered in your relationship?

Now whilst I wouldn't advocate excluding your partners child from the pregnancy I would be inclined to ask why Mum thinks this is a good idea. Maybe there is a reason your partner isn't aware of?

FWIW I think you are jumping to conclusions thinking she might be jealous, nothing in that message suggests jealousy to me at all.

Congratulations.

Viviennemary · 04/08/2014 17:55

I think it's quite natural she should be concerned that her own child will take second place expecially as they live abroad. It soulds quite a sensitive and kind e-mail to me.

wafflyversatile · 04/08/2014 17:58

I don't think she's jealous. I think she's concerned that her DC will get forgotten about and sidelined. It's a valid fear, even if it proves to be unfounded.

Molotov · 04/08/2014 17:58

I meant insecure in the sense that her world - and her dd's world - as she/they know it, will change; in ways that no-one knows yet. She may feel disempowered, lacking control wrt how her dd is treated with this new little baby on the horizon.

That might cause feelings of insecurity. It is not weakness.

wafflyversatile · 04/08/2014 18:00

I don't think it's hysterical either.

I'm not sure I agree with not telling the daughter yet but I don't know anyone or the situation well enough to say really.

ThistleDoMeNicely · 04/08/2014 18:00

Sorry should have said it isn't that she is asking you not to tell her just to delay it slightly.

I think it's a good idea to tell her when she is at home and has the support of her Mum. She may well be quite upset for a number of reasons at yours news. To be honest, she sounds really nice Confused

Optimist1 · 04/08/2014 18:05

I'm with the others on this - she sounds sincere and interested.

YouAreMyRain · 04/08/2014 18:06

I don't think she sounds jealous, just concerned about her dd being sidelined.

My DP had a text on the friday our DS was born (by crash c-section, ten weeks early, due to preeclampsia) accusing him of abandoning his existing DD because he wasn't sure when/if he would be able to collect DD for the planned contact (baby was in NICU and I was in maternity HDU) so your step daughters mother seems quite reasonable in comparison!

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax · 04/08/2014 18:10

her comments aren't hysterical or OTT! YOu will make yourself come across badly if you say things like that.

The thing about a pregnancy is that it's a long business to a six year old. I don't think it's necessary to tell her until you do have a bump.

Xxjodielouxx · 04/08/2014 18:13

Expectantmum

I just want to say I totally understand your message and I would feel exactly the same and do! My DH has a ds from a relationship before, but our situation is slightly differnt as ds lives with us and see's his mum twice a week. But still she likes to interfere and send irrelevant messages, we told my stepson as soon as we found out, he's 8 and has been really excited! His mum through a hissy fit because ds knew before her! What's it's got to do with her is beyond me?! You obviously won't leave DD out and you and your hubby spend time with her and also financial support so there is no reason to think otherwise. Some people just like to have an opinion on things and I think EX's do this to feel like they are still involved and have some control over us. Unless your in the situation I don't think people will understand as such, but I would tell your DSD as soon as possible so you CAN include her and make her feel part of it! I'm sure she'll be super excited. XxxX ps congratulations! X

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax · 04/08/2014 18:13

If / when my children's father has more children (he might) I wouldn't be that comforted by reassurances from new step mother that they'd be involved in the baby's life. What my children need is to see more of the one and only father they have. I'm sure it's nice to have a new sibling, but more siblings mightn't be the children's bigger need.

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax · 04/08/2014 18:14

But that is a private thing. I would never attempt to explain that to xh's fiancee. I'd just assume that she would have her own perspective which would always be the basis for any decisions she made so what would be the point trying to explain it.

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