Fiancées Ex Jealous of my pregnancy?

[expectantmum79]

My fiancée has a daughter from a previous relationship, although she lives abroad my OH is a good father and provides financially as well as spending quality time with his child. He recently told his daughters mum about my pregnancy (I'm 18 weeks) and this was her response:

Hi (name)! What a news!:-) well, congratulation to both of u. I am happy for you:-) When is a baby due? Can u notice that (name) is pregnant already or not yet? (name) is in stage she might be very jealous and upset because u will have another baby and u will have less time for her. So I would suggest not to tell her yet, if it's not noticeable and wait later after she is back home. She needs your full attention while she is over so I do hope u will not work. And (name) does need you! You r her daddy and for the rest of her life she needs to feel u love her and care for her no matter how far you r, if she has another brother or sister. No matter if you have new family as she is part of your family! :-) I do hope u will continue to help me to raise her up and support her in every way. (Name) x

Any feedback would be appreciated folks - I'm finding this behaviour very strange and I don't think it's in my fiancées daughter's best interest to hide my pregnancy. I think that would make her more likely to be jealous. Nor do I appreciate her interference in my relationship. My fiancée thinks this is simply a language barrier issue but I don't agree.

jodie what you describe is nothing like what the OP describes.

Xxjodielouxx

Your situation is completely different to the OPs though.

What is "spending quality time with his daught er even tho she lives abroad"?

It won,t be coparenting anyway...

(I have been LP for 23 years now, his dad lives abroad).

How long have you been together?

I, m sorry, hope he, ll be around forever, but have met men with 5 kids from 4-5 mums...

Wow! Thank you for all of your responses.

This is hard for me with my pregnancy hormones as OH has waited to tell his daughter first and so his family don't even know.

She's been a parent with him for 6 years, so she ought to know that he isn't going to suddenly abandon her DD now as they've been living apart for 4 of those years. I also think the world of her daughter and treat her as I would my own.

I just feel that it is the wrong thing to 'hide' my pregnancy and it really isn't for her to expect of me. I love my fiancée and want this pregnancy to be something that we're proud of, not a dirty secret.

If OH waits til he next sees her it will be another 2-3 months and doesn't give her long to get used to the idea. I also think if she has insecurities they can be better dealt with if she has quality time with us and knows about my bump.

You're the one who is labelling it a "dirty secret" she's not saying you should keep it to yourself at all, she's saying please try to be careful how you tell my dd.

Honestly? I think you're looking to take offence over something that isn't there.

She sounds neither jealous, nor hysterical. Just concerned that his first child will become sidelined, as sadly, often happens.

I'm sure the OP can imagine that the same thoughts would go through her head if her son's father's new partner was pregnant. It's a natural worry for any mother that their own child would be pushed aside.

It's up to you (and your partner) whether to tell her now, or wait. But I probably would go by what the child's mother has asked. No harm not to.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think you're taking it personally when it isn't intended that way at all OP.

Personally I think the little girl might need her Mum when she finds out but that's just my opinion. She might be over the moon but maybe there has already been upset at home about feeling left out, I would get your partner to discuss this properly with his ex before making a decision.

Iflyaway I think your last comment is uncalled for by the way.

I don't think she sounds jealous, just concerned and wanting to support their daughter.

I'm sure he's a brilliant dad, she just needs reassuring that his EDD will remain part of his family (which I'm sure she will).

I know where you're coming from on the "when to tell" question. From his ex point of view she wants to make sure that she's with her daughter and able to support her, but FWIW I agree that your DF should tell her so she has time to get used to the idea and be excited with you both.

Honestly, don't overreact to this, relationships with ex can get out of control very quickly, she seems nice and friendly, it's much easier that way.

And congratulations!

Yes my situation is different as I said on my post. What I am trying to say is I understand what The lady is saying and I sympathie with her rather than everyone just telling her she is wrong to think like that.

In answer to questions:
We've been together 3 years, he sees his DD 6-8 times a year.

I do feel that her mum can be quite manipulative at times which is why it wanted the advice.

She is in effect asking us to not tell anyone as my fiancée wouldn't dream of telling people without his DD knowing (which is understandable).

To clarify, she left to move abroad and she has a boyfriend with children. My fiancée was upset recently that his DD referred to the boyfriend's child as her sister which is ironic given the situation.

My fiancée was upset recently that his DD referred to the boyfriend's child as her sister which is ironic given the situation.

One is a stepsister (with whom she lives most of the time). Why shouldn't she call her 'sister' and why is it ironic?
In a few months she will have a half brother/sister and a step sister. She will call them all brother/sister.
One doesn't replace the other at all?

I don't understand why the mother is 'hysterical'.

I don't think she sounds at all jealous, just a bit worried about her daughter's place in your family.

I agree with you that not telling your dsd until the next contact doesn't give her much time to get used to the idea, can your dp just say that you are showing so keeping it secret until the next visit isn't really an option?

She is allowed to offer an opinion on telling her dd, but if your dp doesn't agree, that's ok too.

In answer to Squizita, the boyfriend is a very new addition and the children do not live together. It seems rather quick to be calling the child sister - that is the irony.

expectant if your dp wants to tell her let him and tell who you like. This is your baby too. Don't let this message up set you. It is a little handwringy but just let it go over you head.

She can't dictate when your dp tells her and if he did he is a bloody fool. By the time she visits again, you could be showing and it just starts all over again.

I kinda do think you're looking for problems...maybe because you're expecting problems because she's maybe been a bit OTT or whatever in the past.

That doesn't invalidate her fears/insecurities/worries this time, though. Her worries about her daughter being sidelined are very valid and real - it happens ALL the time. If she lives abroad, it possibly feels very out of control for her. Not that she should be controlling but she just wants to protect her daughter - when her DD visits, who might possibly be upset or confused about time with her daddy with new baby there, the ex has no input or control over that situation - can't reassure or comfort her daughter. So she's relying solely on her ex and her exes' partner to do as she would, maybe. With a bit of care and kid gloves, as would anybody.

She's not saying your pregnancy is a dirty secret. I think you're being a bit sensitive and reacting to her with learned behaviour. But as I said - just because she might have been too much before doesn't mean how she's feeling is invalid now.

Emotional intelligence is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes - no matter how unreasonable or silly you might privately think they are being. But once you see and understand their motivation, it's much easier to handle people and do the right thing. It would cost you both nothing at all to smile, write a very nice, reassuring email back saying you understand and outlining how you plan to accommodate DSD during your pregnancy and subsequent birth of your child.

I am showing already softly softly.

Unfortunately there is a precedent for my OH doing anything for an easy life and she is well aware of how to get around him. This isn't in my humble opinion what's best for her DD it is what is best for her.

Thank you for your constructive message, he is a fool but I love him.x

Thank you Zebra Zeebra too, yes past behaviour is key.

I leave all communications with her down to my OH - I don't want to respond as emotively as I've expressed here. At the end of the day she is his child and the response is up to him.

I do think you're looking for problems. Don't build a bridge to meet problems half way.

Wrt to your fiance having been a father for six years so the child's mother "should know by now he won't abandon her"........ sorry but, I know of a child whose father played Daddy as best as he could until his dd was 7. (the parents split when she was 2), so having done his very poor best for five years, he bailed when she was seven. And do you know what the catalyst was? Do I need to say what it was

good post zeebra zeebra

I think you need to sit down with your partner ask him to speak to his ex to make sure there is no underlying issue/cause for concern which would mean you needing to handle this even more carefully than normal.

Secondly, I would suggest your DP explains that it is unrealistic to expect your son to keep tight lipped (we all know what kids are like for blabbing), that you want to include her as much as possible etc etc.

Split families will always have differences in opinion when it comes to the big things but realistically in this situation it seems all she's look for is reassurance that her child will be treated the same.

I appreciate what you are saying about him having always been there before but the dynamics are changing massively here for everyone involved.

I think you're a bit over sensitive about this situation if I'm honest but ultimately your DP has to make the decision not his ex. However for the sake of his daughter it would be a hell of a lot easier to keep things friendly between him and his ex.

I can see why she's worried as the dd lives so far away and only visits quite infrequently. But she should also be reassured by your dps commitment and it sounds like he loves his child dearly and wouldn't abandon her anyway, but maybe she just worries because the new baby will be with your dp all the time.
Re telling her, you need to do it when you feel Is Right. its not practical to tell no one if your bump is growing especially in this weather. I'm 26 weeks and at 18 weeks I was clearly pregnant (or at least friends and family would have noticed) unless I purposely covered up. I think she should hear from you and dp while she's with you so she feels included, if she's not with you (ie on skype) then she may feel like she's not involved or included at all.

I don't think she is being unreasonable in anyway, I'd think it's best to keep the news from her till maybe after 20 week scan and you have reassurance pregnancy is going well,

Tbh I think you have got lucky with regards to her, as your partners ex. She sounds like a decent person.

She just wanting to make sure her kid is not side lined which any mum would

Hi!
I’m sorry, I would have to disagree with most, yes she needs to be somewhat concerned about her own little one but to an extent. Your pregnancy is for you and your husband to share, it’s an intimate special moment so don’t let anyone ruin any part of the experience for you including a nosey ex!

@momager1822 this thread is from 2014, im sure it's been resolved now.