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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Not wanting to tell people ... but can I avoid it?

29 replies

seasavage · 16/07/2014 17:40

I am 9 weeks. (i had a previous mc at 9 weeks ish). DH wants us to go public with the news after the nhs12 week scan. But I really want to wait until 20 weeks
We excitedly told everyone important last time around and it was obvious that some of them struggled to accept that/ were approaching embarassed that we had been trying.
DH thinks it gives them longer to sort their heads out. Plus he wants to tell his very indiscreet mum.
I just want to have the summer not having to ratiinalise our decision to others as well not have to explain to disinterested people if i were to miscarry again.
Can you give reasons to favour either 12 or 20 week revelations?

OP posts:

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Molotov · 16/07/2014 17:42

My friend went halfway and after 2 miscarriages, revealed her pg at 15 weeks.

Her baby has just turned 1yo

Good luck to you

Original poster

seasavage · 16/07/2014 17:44

I guess that's one solution!

OP posts:

Bellabutterfly2014 · 16/07/2014 17:48

Hey, I'm not even pregnant yet and I am worrying about the very same thing. When do you tell people? My mum is going to go into overdrive as it will be her 1st grandchild and they have, as they constantly remind me (I'm nearly 35) and my brother who got married last year ( so she's obviously waiting for something to happen there!!!!) is 33 and I know they are trying too. I have had 2 miscarriages, once aged 16, I didn't even know I was pregnant so it wasn't that traumatic especially as I wouldn't have wanted a baby at 16 anyway but then I had another when I was 22 and have only this last year finally found a lovely partner I want a baby with!!! Then there's the endless questions, are you going back to work??? What ru doing bout child care???? Friends saying " can I be godparent" and the boss saying how much leave do you want, are you wanting to come back, quite literally as soon as I tell anyone so I was thinking I would wait 20 weeks before I told anyone apart from my partner so that I had time to get used to the idea, I agree with you, enjoy the summer and book a lovely holiday before you are too far into the pregnancy to fly!

LaFlambeau · 16/07/2014 17:50

I waited until after the 20-week scan (just about possible due to decent ab tone and dressing to conceal) in case there were any problems.

Why on earth were people embarrassed that you'd been trying?

Passthecake30 · 16/07/2014 17:53

I waited until 16 weeks until I could hide no more. ..if I were you I'd see how long you could get away with it!

Bellabutterfly2014 · 16/07/2014 17:54

Meant to say, I have been doing slimmingworld so I am 2 stone lighter now but I am still a 16-18 so I am hoping I can disguise it???? It must be harder for slim ladies. Still, looking at the autumn clothes, lots of tunic style things about with skinny jeans, perfect and I was thinking the dotty p keg gongs would be fab as they are nice and stretchy and would probably be a good purchase x

Original poster

seasavage · 16/07/2014 17:56

Because of our age a bit (risking my health / not giving child a chance ... Are the given reasons). Because I already have two children. Because those people I am referencing are very unaccepting of 'selfishly overpopulating the planet'.
(there are previous generations fallout going on here I refuse to enter these discussions).

OP posts:

Original poster

seasavage · 16/07/2014 17:58

I generally just look fat until i am very pregnant. I don't think anyone will guess by how i look.

OP posts:

Bellabutterfly2014 · 16/07/2014 18:03

If I fall pregnant soon, I will be 35 when I am pregnant, from speaking to friends who've had babies at 35plus I've heard you get extra care and checks and scans, plus as my best friend said to me "people are living longer now" which is a very good point to consider. X

Original poster

seasavage · 16/07/2014 18:05

I'm not concerned. They are. We've made a decision with all the facts.

OP posts:

Bellabutterfly2014 · 16/07/2014 18:11

Good on you, I wish you all the best, I guess only you know when the time is right to share your lovely news.

Heatherbell1978 · 16/07/2014 18:26

Bellabutterfly2014, I'm 36 and pregnancy with my first. You're not considered 'higher risk' until you're 41 so I haven't had any extra checks or scans. Your friends perhaps had other conditions that meant they needed extra monitoring.

OP, I had a mc at 6 wks last year and told a bunch of friends in the days after the positive test so it wasn't nice having to tell them about the mc. I then fell pregnant again the next month and waited until after the 12 wks scan that time. I waited until about 15 wks before putting anything on Facebook. To be honest, I don't regret telling them the first time round as they were the same people I would have told about the mc anyway.

Marnierose · 16/07/2014 18:26

I waited until after 20 weeks following a mmc first time around. It was a lovely secret to have! It
Was such a special time for me and my partner. It's also meant the rest of the pregnancy has gone really quickly.

BasketzatDawn · 16/07/2014 18:41

If you don't want to tell, just don't tell. If they are the least bothered when they do find out, then tough - for them.

FWIW, for different reasons to you, I told only supportive friends about my last baby till around 20 -22 weeks. This included my parents who weren't ever very approving of my life choices (understatement). I even had lunch with them around 16-18 weeks (4th baby so I had a definite bump by then) and I don't think they suspected anything. I tend to tubbiness anyway so a baggy jumper covered all. Once I did tell them they were, as expected, very negative about the baby, and I have no regrets. It made the pregnancy feel so much shorter too. And saved me huge amounts of grief about my decision to have the baby.

I also didn't make a big announcement at work and it was quite funny one shift when it was clear 2 HCAs were discussing whether I was pg. They then asked the manager when he came in and he was great. He just said he didn't know, though I had told management for safety reasons as some jobs were awkward (I was a nurse). They never did ask me directly so I let them stew for a few hours, and then told them. Funny how after that I didn't need to mention it to anyone else at work.

Bellabutterfly2014 · 16/07/2014 18:42

Thanks health bell and marine rose,
Some of my friends, you are right had other conditions, one had lots of miscarriage history and one had diabetes so fingers crossed that won't happen to me.
I have just mentioned it to my partner and said I want to wait 20 weeks and he's just said "it's up to you"!!!!! Men eh? Different for him, he's already got 2 children but he appreciates it's my first time and that I wanna wait!!!!!
Out of everything, I am most worried about my work and whether my boss will be supportive and agree for me to return part-time which would be my ideal. My partner works shifts so it's stressing me out a little bit, any advice great fully received!!!!

Bellabutterfly2014 · 16/07/2014 18:43

Just seen my typos, just got a new iPad and still getting used to it as I have an ancient mobile so text off the old keys and not a touch screen!!!!!! X

ohthegoats · 16/07/2014 18:48

I told parents around 17 weeks, work at 20, am now almost 30 and it's not really public sort of news. Not on fb etc.

Original poster

seasavage · 16/07/2014 18:53

I guess I ciuld try to convince OH of 'making it shorter'. It is difficult. He is a lot more excited and upbeat. I am a nervous wreck and don't want anyone at all to know. (some weird control thing I guess).
We're away with friends after the scan and he is keen to tell them. It just seems too soon.
It's odd. Normally I've told people to enjoy their reactions and support. This time I just want to avoid everyone for the whole time (yes a bit much)

OP posts:

eurochick · 16/07/2014 19:02

We told parents after the 12 week scan and work around 14 weeks (when couldn't hide it any longer - slimmish with crap ab tone meant a lot of people said they had already guessed).

Moreisnnogedag · 16/07/2014 19:12

Parents told at 4 weeks but I'd want them to know anyway. Had to tell work at 8 weeks with DS for multiple reasons. Currently pg (6 weeks) but am hoping to wait till 12 before telling work. Work colleagues and friends overlap so telling friends/posting anything on FB means telling work.

RevoltingPeasant · 16/07/2014 20:01

I told mum and DMIL at 4 and 6 weeks respectively. They have both had MC and they would understand.

I intended telling work around 15 weeks but I had a threatened MC at 6-7 weeks and burst into tears in front of my boss so she knows and so does close friend at work.

I will probably tell some people at work, and other family, after 12 w scan but only "officially" inform work in writing at 16w after appointment then to hear HB. After that, it'll just be as and when, no big announcement.

lola1980 · 16/07/2014 20:10

I had two miscarriages so the third time around I didn't want people knowing until 20wks. Unfortunately, dh told his mother at 8wks, and she was so excited she put it on fucking Facebook... So we were outed anyway! Luckily all went well and we are about to celebrate our daughter's first birthday. Good luck! Xx

weebairn · 16/07/2014 21:58

I told the people I wanted to tell as early as 6 weeks.

I told work who I didn't really want to tell after 20 weeks.

I am not very big - a size 8/10ish - but I had a little bump too which didn't really start appearing until 18/19 weeks so with the right clothes it was very easy to hide. But bumps are a bit unpredictable when they grow so you could be "outed".

I wouldn't have wanted to go till 12/13 weeks without having a couple of people to talk to -but I also didn't want to be treated any differently at work till gone 20 weeks. Last pregnancy I told work around 10 weeks but they weren't at all helpful.

No right answers: do what you think best for you.

LaFlambeau · 16/07/2014 22:39

I am a nervous wreck and don't want anyone at all to know. (some weird control thing I guess).

Been there, done that, totally understand.

Tell when you like, and when you tell the disapprovers, smile your best sod-you-if-you-don't-like-it smile

SomeSunnySunday · 17/07/2014 08:42

I've had first trimester miscarriages too, and really don't want to tell people about this pregnancy until after my 20 week scan, I'm 18 weeks now and have an obvious bump (also DC3) so I'm only really managing this by avoiding people (but managed fine up until about 16 weeks, and even friends I met up with didn't suspect).

I can't see any real reason for opting for 20 weeks rather than 12 (and my mum thinks I'm a complete loon and is desperate to tell the world, asking constantly whether she can just send 'a little email' to relations in far away places...), but that's my comfort zone. I would not have felt comfortable making a public announcement at 12 weeks.

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