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Original poster

Best friend or me being selfish?

31 replies

Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 21:24

Hi all I just wanted to have a rant really!

I'm getting married in October and I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant. My friend has been 'off' with me as soon as I told her I was pregnant.

She's my maid of honour at the wedding to, and has recently decided she would like to get married to her boyfriend of 6 months and have a baby to now I'm pregnant so they went and got a ring and got engaged last week.

It's all I've heard about since, her wedding! Now is this me being selfish? I just feel like I would like to finish planning my own wedding before I have to start helping with hers?

She has just rang me and said 'I'm thinking about the seating plan and want you at the top table, (my partner and son will be on another table) but she said there won't be any room for your baby so can you just put it in the pushchair and leave it behind the tables'

I am furious! Maybe just my pregnancy hormones but what do you all think?

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notoasthere · 05/07/2014 21:28

How old are you both? You are getting married/having a baby so she wants to do the same? When is her wedding?

ShineSmile · 05/07/2014 21:28

Are you really her best friend?

You both sound a bit childish tbh.

Original poster
Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 21:36

We've been best friends for years now, she's been funny ever since I told her I was pregnant. We're both 25 and yes that's exactly how things are, as soon as I do something or plan something, she has to do the same but 10 times better or bigger. Which is showing in everything she's saying about her wedding, all I hear is oh well I wouldn't choose that at my wedding or oh at my wedding I'm having this food it's more expensive than what you've paid but I know everyone will love it.

It's so silly but I'm so cross, I think it was more of the can you put your baby in a pushchair behind the tables as there won't be any room for it comment.

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Original poster
Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 21:37

She hasn't actually booked her wedding yet but has been and looked at a venue today for next July

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Lalalax3 · 05/07/2014 21:45

This is a non-problem. You're lucky if this is all you have to worry about. My sis copies me lots, has even booked to be in the same place on holiday as me at the same time, and has now decided that she wants a baby, but I don't really care, I'm happy for her.

UML · 05/07/2014 21:47

When friends make weird comments you should talk about it with them and tell them if they are upsetting you - it's best to be open. If as a result they drift away, well they weren't that good friends to begin with.

It looks like she also want to have a baby and want to get married - natural feelings, although she may not be going about it in the most considerate way possible - just talk to her about the pushchair comment and see what she says.

Original poster
Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 21:49

Well of course I have plenty of other things to worry about in my life, but this thread isn't about that. It's about my best friend having an issue with my pregnancy and thinking it's acceptable to put my baby in a pushchair at the back of the tables 'so it's out of the way' at her wedding... This I think is extremely rude.

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Original poster
Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 21:50

Thanks UML I guess I will try and have a talk with her tomorrow when I'm a little bit less emotional & see if we can sort things x

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Lalalax3 · 05/07/2014 21:52

Maybe if have felt differently about this when I was 25, but to be honest I can't muster the energy to feel strongly about whether a child should be in a pushchair or sat at a table. Maybe that is rude, or maybe you just need to chill out a bit.

Original poster
Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 22:00

This is what I am asking mrsgembles. I didn't know if it's my hormones making me emotional and over reacting or if she is being rude. I know it has upset me which ever one it is. That's why I wanted your opinions first before saying anything and it causing conflict.

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Lalalax3 · 05/07/2014 22:06

I think blaming hormones might be a cop-out, tbh.

Original poster
Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 22:08

I don't think your very helpful at all

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omgherecomesno2 · 05/07/2014 22:16

mrs gembles I think you need to go away and keep ur opinion to yourself as you clearly have nothing relevant to say and jodie I think ur best frwind sounds like a jealous bitch that clearly doesnt no what she wants from her own life so shes just copying everyone else good luck with your chat just be honest xx

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/07/2014 22:19

Your friend is being annoying. There are issues there.

I don't think your friendship will last. It's toxic. Drift away from her now (making vague positive noises about her wedding to avoid confrontation) or wait however many more pointless years and have an exhausting drama at some unspecified point.......

Honestly. Break away now. You'll feel so much better.

Original poster
Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 22:20

Omg, thank you so much, that's just what I needed to hear & I'm glad there's someone that understands exactly what I'm thinking & feeling & it's not just me going crazy! Will try and have a talk tomorrow XXX

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omgherecomesno2 · 05/07/2014 22:23

I would just cut her out your wedding/life full stop she sounds like a fruit pot with mouldy bits round the side no good for you xx

molly84 · 05/07/2014 22:27

I don't think you should cut her out, but I think you need to sit down and talk to her about how she's upsetting you. If she continues to act like this then you may need to distance yourself a bit for your own sanity. Good luck.

Original poster
Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 22:29

Thanks Atrocious, there has been a lot of drama for a past few months!
She's been making comments about me being pregnant for the last 3 months 'oh your no good now,you can't do anything now you pregnant, your no fun anymore. Why are you putting your partner before me when I'm your best friend, I hardly see you any more, you've changed now, you've ruined the holiday' (getting married in Abroad so she's annoyed I can't have a drink and go on certain day trips when we're there) the list goes on....

Any way thank you ladies, I appreciate the advise & thanks for listening to me rant, I really needed it xxx

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Original poster
Xxjodielouxx · 05/07/2014 22:34

Thanks ladies, I spoke to her a while back about her being funny with me since I've been pregnant but she just denied it. I will have another try tomorrow but I know it's going to cause a lot of problems. I feel a bit trapped to, like I need to keep everything on good terms until the wedding is over with because she has paid and it will be very awkward being on holiday with her for 2 weeks. Xxx

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AtrociousCircumstance · 05/07/2014 23:32

I wouldn't bother trying to approach her to be honest. She's already proved she isn't going to admit to how resentful/weird she's being about all these issues.

You may well have to play nice to survive the holiday but bear in mind the long view - you are going to let this friendship ebb away.

Just umm nicely and don't add any reaction or drama to her daftness and attempts to get a rise out of you.

Just say ,"that's nice," and disengage.

After the holiday just start being busy and see less of her.

She is trying desperately to get a reaction out of you.

Even if she told you she was going to change her name to yours by deed poll and have plastic surgery to look just like you....just go, "wow, that's exciting. Cup of tea?" Grin

She isn't really a friend.

Iswallowedawatermelon · 06/07/2014 00:38

Hmm

Reflect on the way you have been discussing your own wedding and pregnancy plans with her.

Do you think she feels you have been a bit self obsessed about your own wedding and pregnancy? Could this be true? Maybe she is trying to balance things now with her own plans? Maybe she is over reacting but people can be strange when it comes to wedding and babies.

I would try to reduce all discussions about your own wedding and baby plans tbh.

If she is a good friend and you want to maintain your friendship give her a chance. Stop discussing your plans and maybe spend some time together doing things you used to and discuss other things in your lives.

Don't worry about the pram comment, seems very unimportant and unusual to worry about something like that so far in advance, and if there is no room at the table your baby will be fine in a pram nearby.

Iswallowedawatermelon · 06/07/2014 00:43

Oh also sometimes brides are a bit funny about babies at weddings!!! They seem to think the babies will take away the attention from themselves!! Be aware of this. So this might be why she has mentioned putting the pram behind the table scenario, so if it was me id just shrug and tell her the seating plan is up to her and you'll be fine with her choices.

LittlePeaPod · 06/07/2014 01:47

Honestly I think you may be overreacting a bit but I don't think you really want to hear that. I think you want people to say "yes your friend is a bitch" when in reality I don't think she is. Are you really "best" friends because I would never dream of bitching about my closest friends like this (online or in RL). Surely if you are close you can have a frank mature discussion about how you feel?

In terms of her engagement I would have thought you would be happy for her. When I got engaged two of my friends get engaged shortly after me and we were all obsessed about our own impending weddings. One had only been dating her partner a few months. It never once occurred to me that I should be pissed off about it and think they were both bitches for trying to over shadow my wedding. The had little interest in my wedding because they were so excited about their own weddings and there is nothing wrong with that.

I also had comments about been boring, not going out etc.etc. when I fell pregnant but again it didn't bother me. I knew my friends missed our old times and if I am honest it was true. I didn't go out partying etc. so in comparison to pre pregnancy I was very boring.

With regards the baby in the pram comment I don't think that was intended to be hurtful. I don't believe I have been to a wedding were a baby has sat (highchair etc.) on the top table. Most weddings I have attended have been child free weddings and the none child free weddings, the baby is either with the other parent (on a different table), on a parents lap on the top table or in a pushchair.

I really think you need to take step back and reflect on the whole situation. If you really are that close then you should be having a frank mature discussion about how you feel.

TheScenicRoute · 06/07/2014 07:56

Jodie, never ever underestimate the pain and (ashamedly) the jealously a pregnancy can thrust over another persons entire life.... Even someone you hardly know. Believe me, I have spent the last 41/2 years devastated by other peoples pregnancies when I found myself unable to conceive. Even strangers in Tesco who were pregnant, never mind people who I actually had to speak to and potentially have pregnancy information shoved down my throat, when every statement they made ( particularly moans and groans about pregnancy) ripped me up inside. It sounds like she hasn't tried to conceive before (sweeping judgement) but women's child bearing drives are irrational surprising.

I'd back off from this friend, stop discussing your pregnancy with her unless she actually asks. Use the opportunity to talk weddings 24/7 as a filler for the lack of pregnancy talk. I can see similarities in this story that bring irrational but very real memories of great pain. I have a lot of sympathy for her.

Honestly. She might be very very pained by your seemingly perfect life. Take it easy on her. And have the baby on your knee at her wedding. X

MrsWolowitz · 06/07/2014 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.