What to say after having Caesarian section?

[mermaid101]

I'm due to have av

Sorry!
I'm due to have a section in about 3 weeks. This is my second child. My first was born by EMCS.

I felt that after the first there was a very strong feeling/expectation from some friends/family (especially PIL) that a CS was very much an "easy option" and I felt quite significant pressures to be on my feet and providing "normal service" as soon as I got home. I was in hospital for over a week and they gave the impression I was being quite precious.

Can any one help me think of things to say/responses which will make it clear that it is normal not to be back to full energies a day after a CS? I don't want to sound as if I'm complaining/ being feeble, but I don't want a repeat of how things went last time.

I would get DH on board and remind them that you're having a major operation from which you will need to recover, at the same time you'll be tending to a newborn. Can you ban visitors for a week or so? Or can they visit during hospital hours where they get their baby fix, it's more controlled and they're chucked out after an hour?

I had an EMCS first time and have been fairly adament this time around that visitors are kept to an absolute minimum for the first week, not only in case it happened again, but because everyone needs space to recover after a baby, do t they? I had a VBAC yesterday and am still in hospital, and have only had my parents, sister and daughter to visit briefly during visiting time. My MIL, who was invited to visit today, is insisting that she comes to visit this Friday when we're home instead. DH has said they can visit very briefly for a cuppa but that's it, and she's pissed off ("but I'm her grandmother" etc). Well I've told DH that if it comes to Friday morning and I'm knackered/ got baby blues etc, he's calling them up and telling them not to come.

Congratulations on your new arrival!

I would love to have no visitors for a week. My DH has agreed that if I don't feel up to seeing his family for the first few days he will put them off. I don't think ill get away with a week.

I wouldn't mind if they weren't so dismissive and unsympathetic. Last time when they came to visit they took up all the seats and I had to sit on the floor. I had an infection in my wound at the time. My FIL asked me to get up and put more milk in the coffee I had made him!

Excuse me, 'providing a normal service'? Are you your pil's maid?

They sound so rude and ignorant. Your DH needs to stick up for you and tell them to sort themselves out. Making you sit on the floor and wait on them, absolutely shameless! Cs is a serious operation and of course you need to recover.

Good luck.

They sound outrageous! You had to sit on the floor?!! I would have told your father in law to do it himself. Anyway the law is that guests make you the cup of tea, not the other way around.

Good grief, next time they visit you make sure that you are firmly ensconced in the arm chair when they arrive and do not move until they go! You do not make them tea. I would also tell them that you MW has told you to rest because last time you over did things. In fact, I would get them to visit an hour before the MW is due and give her the pleasure of kicking them out because you need rest!

Good luck OP

You tell them in no uncertain terms that you've had major surgery; that you've had your stomach muscles sliced through, and that regardless of HOW you gave birth, you've got a brand new baby to look after (and another child). They can make their own bloody drinks, and make one for you while they're at it.
You say NO. And your husband says NO. Otherwise, take yourself and the baby to bed.

I had an emcs and also having one this time. Thankfully my family totally understood the pain I was in. I certainly didn't think it was an easy option. Also I made no tea for visitors. Dh jumped up and did it without question. Cheek of your fil!!! Ridiculous.

My in laws did visit a bi too much but they are very old and may not be around for much of DS life and they are nice.

I wouldn't have yours around if they belittle your ECCS and recovery.

One of my closest friends was a bit like them. Ooh you didn't have it as hard as me. Kept pushing for several visits. I didn't drive for six weeks. She mocked me. It put me off her altogether and I asked her to not be so insensitive. Then she said she was sorry she wasnt sympathising enough (sarcastic tone) so I got rid of her.

If I was asked to do anything I would tell them I had an 8 inch wound across my tummy!

Seriously do not even entertain explaining anything.

Fgs. Your DH has to make it clear to them. You'll have had major abdominal surgery. Sitting on the floor?!?
Or better, arrange for them to be there when your community midwife visits. Likely to be able to get this across in a more forceful manner than your DH!
Sorry, they sound like a nightmare

Are they for real?! I recovered well from my 3 c sections but could only slowly shuffle for the first week and took it very, very easy for the second. After that I was warned that even though I felt much better and externally healed well, it was very early days for internal healing so I should avoid stuff like hoovering etc. By 4 weeks I could drive and would say 'normal service' resumed. However friends and family would still not expect me to waiting on them, on the contrary they got stuck in making drinks etc while I fed baby/rested...

Why did you DH let you sit on the floor ? That's disgraceful. Although his family sound awful I think you he is who you need to make it very clear to what is/is not acceptable. I had an emcs with dd1 and elcs with dd2. It's tough to recover from surgery when trying to care for a newborn and older children.

What to say-

"My stomach wound is really hurting and I cannot see anyone"

"I cannot sleep even ehen the baby does as it is so hard to find a comfortable position"

"Getting around is so tiring after the op, plus Dd1 to look after. I can only manage visitors for a quick cup of tea / not all all"

"I've had surgery. Sod off"

Best of all "I've got a newborn. Sod off"

I've had 3 sections and none was easy, though I recovered well and felt fantastic with the week. You might feel fab and still not want lots of visitors. Frankly anyone who thinks you have had it easy is plain delusional. Just smile sagely and get rid

I wish you a safe and happy delivery.

I think my DH was a bit she'll shocked. He does now agree that he didn't do everything he could have in that situation. He did say " mermaid, are you all right there on the floor? Shouldn't you sit somewhere else. Stupidly and in an attempt not to been seen as precious and princessy, I just said no, no not at all. Totally fine here". And then have seethed about it forever after! I really feel though, one of them should have moved. My DH was holding the baby at the time (standing up). We didn't want her passed round them as they smoke and fil was very reluctant to wash his hands after his cigarette.

Thanks for the suggestions so far. I want to be much better prepared this time and much more assertive. I don't want to cause any arguments/atmospheres so breezy but firm is the tone I'm going for.

Just stay in bed tell them your wound is oozing nasty goo, which they are welcome to have a look at. Also breast feed freely and openly, no hiding gehind muslins or shawls. They'll soon scuttle off!

They sound awful. If they take up all the seats next time you're recovering from a CS, tell them "Since I'm recovering from a major operation and there's no room for me to sit safely in here, you won't mind if I go upstairs to lie on my bed, will you?!"

But make it clear (and make sure your DH makes it clear) before you have your CS that only visitors who can fend for themselves are welcome. Any one who isn't capable of making themselves, and you, a cup of tea when they visit won't be welcome for at least 2 weeks.

You sat on the floor?
Wow, if they let that happen I'm not sure what you can say that will be understood. Wow

You really need your DH on side and to be the gatekeeper, I'm glad he realises now about last time. If a ban is really out of the question, then keep a visit to the minimum. Easier said than done I guess, because I know that hormones can get in the way of being assertive, but remember that your DH needs to take control. Good luck.

I know! My bil was there with his family and no one even told one of his children to get up. My husband said after I shouldn't have said I was ok when he drew attention to me sitting on the floor. I could have kicked myself, but I think I'm trying really hard to counter this impression they have of me.

But I think this time ill have to be more assertive and direct with them. They are so unconcerned and disinterested in me. At Christmas I was in the early stages of this pregnacy and there had been quite a few complications with bleeding and abdominal pains. We had my pils for Christmas Day. My DH did the cooking but I did do quite a lot in terms of serving/hosting/clearing up. When they arrived, my mil asked how I was. I told her I had been at hospital several times for scans and because of the bleeding. She didn't say anything! Just walked past me into the living room.

Later on, while we were having dinner, I was feeling a bit sick and too hot. I asked my DH to turn the heating off and my fil said " oh no! Don't put the heating off. I'm freezing. I'm not well. I've got the flu".

This is typical if them. They treat me with total disregard and I think a lot of it is to do with thinking I'm a spoilt princess.

But I'm hoping to not have any of these situations by making it clear that I am not simply making a fuss over nothing. My default answer when people ask how I am us "great! Really well. How are you?" So I'm determined to be a bit more direct with them.

at you sitting on the floor.

I second inviting them to come over 1 hr before MW visit so she can kick them out. Also if you are given any leaflets or printed instructions for first-6-weeks physio (what to do, what to avoid, how to lift etc) by hospital you could show them to your relatives?

I do sympathise, I had a 4th degree tear with DC1and MIL just didn't understand why it took me weeks to be able to walk to the shops, stand up from.the sofa while carrying DC, etc. She had easy-peasy births and just doesn't get it. I have to have a CS this time around and like you I'm dreading her expectations and judginess

All the best BTW!

I find a swift "get the fuck out of my house" usually gets the message across! No one would treat me like that ever and get away with it.

Actually, it sounds to me like you and your DH are preparing well for it this time. The poor bugger (your DH) was probably quite taken aback the last time, and we don't always react the way we wish we had when something unexpected happens. So, this time, you're both prepared. You get your arse in an armchair and do not move whilst they are there (might be worth going for a tactical wee before they arrive? ). DH is ready with the 'Mum/Dad, can you help me with the tea please? Mermaid? Oh no, she needs to rest, doctor's orders.'

I am always so sorry when I hear these stories. My parents and PILs saw it as their duty to help out when the children were born. But even my community MW commented on 'How refreshing it was to see grandparents helping out rather than sitting cuddling the baby and expecting the new mother to make tea.' My mother was gobsmacked!

Having read about their appalling attitude, my immediate reaction of what to say started with and F and ended with 'off'.

Bloody hell there isn't an easy option in this world! It's push it out of your fanjo by brute force or have a full on operation.

Mermaid, I agree with everyone else. Take a stand and put your foot down. Also I think its them and not you. Good luck and congratulations.

I've had 3 sections and I've made sure I've given myself plenty of recovery time and followed doctors' advice.

You are doing no one any favours if you end up back in hospital due to damage done by overdoing things.

I would tell them that you have no intention of ending up back in hospital and look after yourself. Sod what they think.

You could always find some literature mentioning recovery after a section.

It is major surgery and is in no way an easy option.

Good luck x

I also think there comes a point in life when you have to become comfortable with being 'in charge' and calling the shots when you are in you own home. For me this point came when I had DC's. For some reason up until then I let things go, even in my own home. I seemed to fall into that parent child scenario where the parents must be right.

Once the DC's get older and start having play dates you need to be like, 'in our house, we get up off the couch and let a grown up sit down, please can you let Mermaid have your seat, thank you'. If their parents don't like it, then tough.

My house, my rules. I'm not rude, just assertive.

It sounds like you have a job on your hands with your PILs, you could sprout wings and a halo and they would still probably take objection. I take it you are doing your own thing for Christmas this year?