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Original poster

AIBU Finding out gender next week but family not happy with OUR choice

29 replies

MrsMonkeyBear · 30/05/2014 19:00

Next Thursday, DH and I are going for our 20 week scan and if possible we want to find out what we are having. The issue is some of his family don't want us to do it (my family are much on the "it's your choice" train.)

DH's aunt is having a hissy fit that her opinion doesn't count, which it doesn't. His mum isn't happy either but understands it's our choice and is fine with us knowing and knows we will be letting everyone know.

The main issue is, I have friends and family all over the world and don't have everyone's phone numbers, and would like to make announcement on social media (if we find out that is). The above mentioned aunt is having a complete meltdown about this as she said it would ruin it for her!!! I've tried doing the whole being polite and giving her the eff you look, but it hasn't worked. She is sending me messages almost every day telling me that we are going to disappoint the whole family and we are the only ones to have done it. I'm trying to rise above it but preggo rage is starting to set in and I'm starting to want nothing to do with her or as one of my favourite movie quotes says "Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim, or seriously injure!"

This is not the first thing we have clashed about when it comes to the baby, but I'm not going to go into all of it, let's just say she managed to announce my pregnancy to half the world before I did, funnily enough with social media and her inability to use it properly.

Am I being unreasonable by ignoring her and doing what DH and I want or should I take her feelings into consideration and try to please everyone?

Please help and sorry for the rambling!!

OP posts:
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FunnyFoot · 30/05/2014 19:04

Just put it out there.

Any attempts she makes to upset you should be met with a 'This is OUR baby and OUR choice. You did wanted you wanted regarding you children now it's OUR turn.'
Do not engage any further and just keep saying the above.

Congratulations on the pregnancy. Thanks

PilauMice · 30/05/2014 19:04

Fuck her! Do what you want to do. Next thing she'll be telling you how to/not to breast feed and when to potty train and obviously she should have a say on the baby's name.

MyNameIsSuz · 30/05/2014 19:08

Why does she care??? I don't get this. Honestly, just tell her if she doesn't want to know she should avoid FB and just go for it.

supadupapupascupa · 30/05/2014 19:10

ignore her. NOT her baby.

MrsD0nnaLyman · 30/05/2014 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BilboTheAlmighty · 30/05/2014 19:14

I am usually all for compromise but I think the aunt is forgetting her place... She is the AUNT, not the the parent. I really don't understand these people who have to have everything revolve around them. Just tell her she can remove you from her friends list if she is so upset at discovering the baby's gender.

I think that, given what you said about that aunt, you will have to set your boundaries NOW before she invades your lives once baby is here...

Original poster
MrsMonkeyBear · 30/05/2014 19:16

Thanks ladies, TBH she suffers from youngest child syndrome and even at 40 odd still gets everything she wants from the rest of her family. She actually refused to talk to my PILs for a week because they wouldn't take time off to look after one of her kids during the school holidays. Oh and when she's sick and takes a day off work will still send the kids to my in laws so she can have peace and quiet!!!

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 30/05/2014 19:16

Block her on fb, that'll solve that one. Refuse to engage, and here's to learning early a very important rule of parenting, whatever you do, someone will think it's wrong and if that person is in an older generation, they won't hold back on telling you.

I found the best way is to stop telling people what you are planning to do, just what you have done/are doing.

Oh and don't discuss names with her or other family members who might tell her, wait until the baby has arrived an announce the name, anything before that and she's the type who'll try to talk you round to her choice of name. (Once the baby has arrived and been named, it's too late even if she hates it)

Igggi · 30/05/2014 19:20

Stop discussing this stuff with them in advance.
A bit Hmm at you thinking it's a problem that she doesn't mind dcs when off sick - surely if you're sick enough to miss work, you're too sick to mind children, assuming you have a choice!
You have brought some of this on yourself by telling them your plans. Try to remember what the scan is actually for as well - you can always get a private 3d or whatever scan to look for the sex.

VJONES1985 · 30/05/2014 19:23

My husband's gran had exactly the same reaction - she didn't want to know what we are having (although to be fair, she wasn't insulting about it). Luckily she's not on Facebook so she still doesn't know what we're having. One of my friends really likes surprises and initially asked me not to tell her. I agreed but told her I would put it on social media because that's my choice and she understood. In the end, she accidentally saw it on Facebook and got over it quickly.

My point is that it is your choice and no one else's. Is it really so huge that it will 'disappoint the whole family'? I mean, surely they have other things to worry about and they can just avoid social media if they feel that strongly. Their feelings shouldn't affect what you choose to do.

Delphiniumsblue · 30/05/2014 19:27

I would stop discussing anything in advance. In this case just ignore and do it.
Just a word of warning- very occasionally they get it wrong.

LynetteScavo · 30/05/2014 19:31

Oh and when she's sick and takes a day off work will still send the kids to my in laws so she can have peace and quiet!!!

Erm....because it's actually quite difficult looking after children when you are ill.

But that aside, do what you want regarding baby announcements. My DM didn't want to know if I was having a boy or a girl, so I respected that and didn't say when my sister asked in front of her. Personally, I wouldn't be publicly announcing gender or names, before the birth, but that's just me.

Your baby, your facebook announcement.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 30/05/2014 19:34

Think you need to put your stake in the ground now

MexicanSpringtime · 30/05/2014 19:39

The aunt sounds nuts, and I have no clever suggestions about how to deal with her, but here in Mexico where people have baby showers, we ended up all pinked out because my daughter announced the gender before the day, whereas another friend of mine got everything in pink for her supposed daughter who turned out to be a boy who she had to dress in pink for the first few months.

KitKat1985 · 30/05/2014 19:41

Put your foot down now, or else she'll be telling what to do all the time once baby is born. Absolutely none of her business.

squizita · 30/05/2014 19:47

I would think it a bit full on from a parent ... But an aunt !?! She sounds nuts. Honestly. Nuts.

wtffgs · 30/05/2014 19:54

For the love of pete....!Grin

YANNNNNNBU Grin

Original poster
MrsMonkeyBear · 30/05/2014 20:06

The last time she was ill and sent kids to in laws she had a "bit of a headache" and the kids were at school all day. I am aware how hard it is to look after kids when you are ill. I had my nephew for a week during summer last year and we both ended up with a stomach bug, but I had to get on with it as it was just me and him.

I will be putting my foot down from now on though. I made a bit of a slip up with saying we are finding out but it was a convo I was having with my mil, who in turn told aunt in law.

I do understand that they could get it wrong next week but if they do, it doesn't really bother me. And I also know why we are having the scan, I'm just trying to think positively as I am classed as high risk and want to focus on a good thing rather than worry about the potential bad things.

OP posts:
DeputyPecksBentBeak · 30/05/2014 20:12

FunnyFoot got it in one.

Your baby, your choice. Keep repeating the same phrase/texting the same message until she gets the point.

Igggi · 30/05/2014 20:24

I am sure all will be well. You are pg, tell them that you won't accept any stressful situations so won't listen to any more nonsense.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/05/2014 20:43

She can stop using the Internet if she wants to avoid finding out.

Loujim2 · 01/06/2014 21:22

This is your pregnancy not hers so you decide what to do! If she don't like it then tough shit! Smile

Dizzywhore · 01/06/2014 21:39

Some of mine DH family were like this. But I said sorry our baby our choice! Just tell them all to get on with it! Good luck with the scan x

DramaAlpaca · 01/06/2014 21:45

I completely fail to understand why DH's aunt thinks it's any business of hers at all.

Ignore, ignore, ignore & do what you want OP.

Good luck with the scan x

Alita7 · 01/06/2014 21:56

Luckily she literally can't do anything about it. Tell her she can choose to look at fb or avoid it but that the announcement will take place and that If she mentions this to you one more time you will not talk to her until she can be pleasant. End of. what a crazy woman. My mum doesn't want us to find out because she liked her surprise with me and my brother but she hasn't told us we can't tell her or anyone else!