told someone I'm pg and dh is really angry...

[Newmom2b]

...because I didn't discuss it with him first. Me and my dsil had been talking tcc for ages, saw her yesterday and let the cat out the bag (4w+6) now dh is so angry. I just needed somebody, a female, to talk to, he doesn't understand and now we're not talking! Great!

Understanding isn't just nice feelings. Do any of us know EXACTLY what being kicked in the balls is like for example? Sometimes women DO need someone with the same body parts to run things past, to be blunt.
"I have this pain in my cervix, it feels like xyz..." Even a gynie Dr who was male wouldn't know exactly what was meant in the same way as a woman.
That is why many women prefer to have a woman to talk to.

Easy but imagine you wanted to tell one woman friend (as many do) and your ex refused. Its a very different scenario.

Its simply inhumane to expect a woman who is going through a physical (and psychological) life-change to either expose herself to people because her dp wanted to tell OR to cover it up because DP is secretive.

A tricky one - I think you should have mentioned you might tell her before you did. He has no right to be v upset but as a couple when it comes to baby dh has a right to be consulted. The first trimester has quite a high mc risk and I found mc when no one other than DP knew I was pregnant much easier than when others knew. Hopefully you won't mc but men's grief can be quite bad if it does happen and they don't like people feeling sorry for them. Well that is what DP is like.

I'm quite shocked by the tone of some of these responses. Do we come on Mumsnet to judge one another or do we come here for support? We can never fully know the details of people's situations, and clearly in this thread people have misinterpreted some of the facts and made some quite harsh criticisms. There are lots of decisions we have to make when pregnant & beyond, it's stressful and we don't always get it right. If I had posted this thread I'd be really upset by some of the responses. Can we not be a little kinder to each other?

I am surprised by some of the responses to be honest.

While I completely agree that if she needs the support of a female friend that she should be able to have that. However I still think that it is important to discuss these things before telling people. All it would have take is her saying to her husband "I really need to tell x". The issue here seems to be more that she hasn't discussed it before telling people which I can understand. If my husband had decided to tell one of his friends before we had even discussed if we were going to tell people before the 12 week scan I would have been upset and visa versa I would understand him being upset if I did.

Easy but imagine you wanted to tell one woman friend (as many do) and your ex refused. Its a very different scenario.

To be honest I asked my ex if I could tell my Mum and together we decided to tell both sets of parents. However if he had said he would rather we wait I was fully willing to accept that.

Its simply inhumane to expect a woman who is going through a physical (and psychological) life-change to either expose herself to people because her dp wanted to tell OR to cover it up because DP is secretive.

I think it's pretty normal to keep pregnancy news under wraps until after the 12 week mark. I don't think it means you are being secretive.

A relationship is a partnership and these things should be discussed IMHO.

I'm also really surprised by the responses. But I'm surprised in totally the opposite way, surprised that this is something that couples sit down and discuss.

But having said that, obviously everyone has to do what's right for them and for their family.

And also it says that he is angry because she didn't discuss it with him, that doesn't mean that he would have said no she couldn't speak to her SIL. It might just be that he is mightily pissed off about his feelings about people being told not being taken into account or even asked.

Treacle Did you never have the, shall we wait till after the 12 week scan chat? I'm shocked that people don't.

No, easy we honestly didn't.

We knew I was pregnant and each of us just told whoever we wanted to tell as and when it seemed appropriate, we had no discussion about it at all. I didn't know that people thought so much about it tbh, until reading this thread.

I guess I had a slightly different attitude (but not hugely) until miscarrying. There was nothing worse for me personally than having to tell people or forgetting to tell someone and them asking how the pregnancy was going and having to explain.

That's probably why it's such a big deal as far as I'm concerned.

Am I getting old or are some people getting ,ore and more precious about what is really FA, like big announcements of pregnancy/gender, pictures on FB, etc?

He needs to drink a large glass of Grow The Fuck Up.

It's his baby too, he should be involved in who get's to know. Maybe he wanted both your parents to know first.

DH & I sat down and talked when and who we would tell when I was PG. Yes, it's my body and I can do whatever the hell I want, but it was his baby too and he had the right to be involved in the exciting part of telling people.

Easy I think you've misread one of my quotes? The second one, I made it clear it would be awful if the DP did either (I actually agreed with you re what your DP did)... Told or not, if it upset the woman.
For many of us who have complex medical needs, recurrent miscarriers or just bad 1st trimesters, the "12 week rule" simply isn't practical or emotionally helpful. I'm NOT talking about telling everyone: I'm talking about if the woman needs to tell ONE experienced female for support. Some women NEED that, its very different to telling everyone at 12 weeks.
I would be dismayed if DHs and DPs couldn't understand this difference. And shocked.

Everyone seems to agree -rightly I agree- that it should be discussed before anyone is told. But the DP/DH shouldn't really be the one with more "say" ... Because aside from the baby (which is 50/50) the health/emotions of the woman are a consideration. So partners should be supportive if she wants to tell a sister/mum/cousin, for that reason. Objecting to that would be secretive IMO. And forgetting that her body is her body. Likewise if she wants to tell no-one, he has no right to tell. Yes, it sounds unfair to some men - but the day they can share the hyperemesis, piles, exhaustion, terror of bleeding, ligament pain, cravings, insomnia and ultimately birth ... They need to consider whether the woman wants to tell no one or someone prior to the "12 weeks" as her call. If she needs her mum to reassure her those thongs are normal, so be it. Its not telling the world.
She absolutely should speak with her partner: but not to ask, rather to explain why she has made her choice.

I do understand that it's different for different people, and different circumstances, and people have their reasons. It's not that we shouted it from the rooftops as soon as we got the news, it's just that we both felt it was fine for the other to decide for themselves.

FGS, how ridiculous, rights to tell and discussions. What Erich said.

It's pregnancy, not an announcement of World Peace or the coming of the Messiah or a declaration of war.

Multiple mama "We're having a baby!" At week 12 and "I'm pregnant and frightened, I need 1woman for support" are two completely different things.
The issue seems to be that the OP didn't tell her DP.

Tbh if she had and he had objected to the second on the grounds her physical/mental discomfort was linked to "his" baby, that would be pretty heartless.

The baby is theirs.
Physical and mental symptoms are hers, if she wants subtle support -after telling him- she should be allowed.
Two different things.

BTW Easy I am a recurrent miscarried and have had a molar pregnancy... Which is precisely why I think its up to the woman. Many I know NEED a female ear in those awful knickers checking weeks, many don't.

I agree the issue here is she didn't tell him first.

Sorry I did misread it.

I think it all boils down to the fact that for one person telling people isn't a problem but for someone else it might be. The easiest way to avoid anyone being upset is to discuss.

But really in the grand scheme of things I don't think it's something worth to het up over either.

Yes! Its the discussion!

FWIW when I had my losses, my DH said to me would I mind if he told a close mate for moral support. I said of course! Turned out said mate and his DP had battled infertility and they ended up being total rocks for DH (who didn't want to upset me more when he was down). So it works both ways.

I have to laugh at all the MN'ers who must have spreadsheets of agreements as to who will be told what and when so they don't "take any special moments that can never happen again" away from their P - good grief

"Remember that wonderful moment at 2.42 on the 26th May 2011, dear sister -that moment I (no we) told you I (no we) was/were PG!!" My sister would tell me to have a lie down PDQ and recover myself.

The issue seems to be that the OP didn't tell her DP. I think the issue is the OP didn't ASK her DP for permission. Clearly she TOLD him after this tender and special time was wrenched irreparably from his life.

I told my friend before I actually told my DH! - simply as I needed to talk it through with someone outside of the situation before my husband as I wanted the moment I told him to be magical not me being shit scared at being pregnant all over again! once id had a day to get used to the idea when I told him it was magical and Im glad I did it that way. He guessed id told her as he knew id met up with her the night before and he wasn't very happy but I guess he understood the girl thing and dropped it pretty quickly.
I do see how he would be annoyed from the other side, however as a female you need to talk things through with another female, and I told him I would have been happy for him to tell his friend also if he felt he needed or wanted to.
Its done now and he will calm down. just give him a bit of space and explain why you did it so he understands.

Without this place to moan/whinge/get advice from etc, I'd have gone nuts. I didn't tell anyone because we had a conversation about not telling before certain dates, but I 'told' loads of strangers in an anonymous forum. That was enough.

He's got a right to be pissed off, but he should also grow up and get over it pretty quickly. It's actually not that much of a big deal. Once you're 3 months in and needing to moan ALL THE TIME about how shit you feel, and how every twang makes you panic, and how he smells so bad you don't want to be near him, and how weird your discharge has got, and how one boob really hurts, and how you cried about mashed potato left in the pan etc, he'll be wishing you'd told more people!

That's what I meant. That we sat down and talked. If I wanted to tell someone for extra support, then I still would have mentioned it to DH, and 10/10 he would have supported that decision.

My sister broke the news of my first DC to my grandma in a phone call without me and I was GUTTED. It's so exciting to share the news with your loved ones, especially for your first.

Usually I'm on the side of the your-body brigade - but is he actually upset here because he didn't get to be the one to share the news with his brother? (as presumably your SIL would have gone straight home and told him).

I think the measure is how angry he gets and how angry he stays - temporary grumpiness makes sense to me, but anything stronger or longer would be a worrying sign of control, after all the news is good and was going to be shared in time anyway.