told someone I'm pg and dh is really angry...

[Newmom2b]

...because I didn't discuss it with him first. Me and my dsil had been talking tcc for ages, saw her yesterday and let the cat out the bag (4w+6) now dh is so angry. I just needed somebody, a female, to talk to, he doesn't understand and now we're not talking! Great!

Do you have to ask permission to breathe?

He's majorly over reacting. You told a close friend your pregnant. You didn't spend the contents of the joint account on a pedigree puppy.

Major red flag

I think your thread title is a bit misleading. You didn't tell 'someone' you told his sister and IMHO you should have given him his place to tell his own family when he felt ready to. I understand you were bursting to tell someone but you should have talked to him first.

I find some of the comments on here a bit odd TBH. 'He's an observer'being one of them. No he's not, he's the father!! Yes, it's OPs body, but he's surely an equal partner. I think sometimes people forget that it takes two to create a baby. The world would be a lo smaller without these 'observers'!
DH and I have a very equal relationship (not stuck in the 50s ) and respect one anothers views. We sat down and decided together and talked about who we would tell and when. He was desperate to tell his family but I wanted to wait until after scans etc and he respected that. I think if you knew how he felt, you should have done the same.

You have every right to tell who you want when you want. You don't need to ask his permission to discuss your own body. You aren't an incubator, there to carry his baby with no emotion or feelings, you are a person who needed to talk. He needs to grow up fast.

This is bizarre. It's your body- tell who you want- unless there is a very good reason not to. (I'm guessing the DH does have a reason, such as sil will tell his parents, and he wanted to?)

This reminds me of posters who don't buy anything over £50 without consulting with their dp first. Where is the trust that partners can make grown up decisions?

I think responses would be different if a poster wanted an abortion- all replies would be saying its her body and her right to do what she wants.

He has every right to be pissed off if you agreed not to tell anyone. Just because it's your body doesn't make you the one who makes all the decisions. This isn't about control this is about trust. I imagine that if you had spoken to him and explained what you wanted to do and why he would have been supportive. But just to do it and expect him to suck it up is not really fair.

But this thread isn't about abortion lynette A couple have presumably jointly decided to bring a baby into the world.

Does he not have the same right to experience the enjoyment of telling his family that he's going to be a Dad, as OP does telling hers she's going to be a Mum?

By telling his sister she's taken that away from him. How would OP feel if he had rushed off and told her parents without discussing it with her first.

Sitting down and discussing first is just about having mutual respect. You're not necessarily going to agree, but discussion is the key.

She didn't tell his sister. It was her brother's wife.

I don't understand all this being precious about who gets told, when, about PGs.

I've no recollection at all of the order I told, DM, DMIL, DF in. I do recall a random friend knowing very early about DD2, because she had brought her newborn out for the first time.

He's being daft.

It's ridiculous to suggest that people don't have mutual respect if they don't sit down and discuss who they are going to tell about a pregnancy and in what order.

We never discussed it and we're just fine on the mutual respect front. I'd have been horrified if DH had expected me to let him decide who to tell, and I think he'd have been equally horrified if I had tried to tell him who he could tell. It was our baby therefore we could both tell whoever we wanted whenever we wanted.

I think op should start being really graphic with how she's feeling with her dh and then he'll be begging for her to tell someone else

Of course you need female support, a man can't really understand what being pregnant is like.

I think he sounds like he a little childish, tbh.

A baby is very exciting to the couple involved but it's not really that exciting for other people. What does he think will happen as a result of someone knowing?

My mistake brother's wife not husbands sister.
I still maintain though that she should have established how he felt about telling his side of the family before she went ahead. Chances are brother now knows too.

When to tell and how to tell is very important to some people, for a variety of reasons. I was very keen to keep quiet for as long as I could with my pregnancies. I wanted to know as far as possible that all was well before we put it out there. It hadn't occurred to DH that I would want to wait. However we sat down, discussed it and made a mutual decision that BOTH of us felt comfortable with.

It's a partnership and when it comes to the big issues discussion, compromise and agreement are vital IMHO.

OP told her brothers wife.

Not a direct relative of her husbands.

Your DH is being a twat.

If I was him I'd be annoyed too. But he'll get over it.

Ummm I'm obviously in the minority, but I completely understand where your DP is coming from and think he has every right to be angry . He might've assumed that you'd 'play it safe' and not tell anyone till after the 12 week scan at least - which a lot of people choose to do - and now be feeling more anxious/under pressure/worried because you've told people. FWIW, when I first got pg, it was kinda role reversal: DP wanted to tell people straight away, but I wanted to wait until 20 weeks and I was as sure as I could be that we were 'safe'. He had a bit of difficulty getting excited at first as for him part of getting excited was being able to tell people. He agreed that we both had to be happy with that decision though, so we waited until I was ready (slightly earlier than originally agreed - 17 weeks).

Wow this is an interesting thread. Personally I find the 'your body, your DP is merely an observer' stance incredible. I figured that most partnerships are based on mutual respect and I completely understand why one partner would be upset about the other spilling the beans on pregnancy before 12 weeks. What if it had been the OP's DP telling his sister's brother? Would that have been OK?

DH and I agreed no one would know before the scan as we had a prev MMC and found the 'untelling' really traumatic. I'm sure your DP will get over it, OP, but in his position I'd feel my trust had been shaken and personally I find that really tough to get over, even in relatively harmless doses.

*sister's husband, not brother obvs!

Mintchoc many women need a female support in the 1st trimester. To be utterly brutal, if you end up in hospital with sickness its YOU. If you have a miscarriage, sadky, its YOU that goes through it.

The baby is 50/50.
The process of pregnancy happens to the woman's body. The woman often needs support from someone with the same kind of body, in a way no man can empathise.

The inability of some to separate "baby is ours" from "body going through alarming changes with risks is WOMAN'S" alarms me tbh. Knowing women who have needed support, but have suffered and worried alone because they told no other woman until later (including enormous isolation if sadly there is a loss) I really feel it vitally important that the physical process of pregnancy is recognised as something the woman goes through: not announcing a 'baby' but telling a close person she is pregnant is her call.

Hubba I needed to tell another woman after my losses, to reassure me and help if things went wrong. If DH had disagreed I would have anyway. He wasn't the one terrified to go to the toilet in case he saw blood, he wasn't the one injecting his leg, he wasn't the one vomiting and worried one minute it was too much and the next not enough.
He could sympathise, but not fully empathise or immediately know what I meant when I described a pain.

The baby is ours.
The pregnancy is happening to MY body so I get more say in how my body is dealt with and who I tell.

Some people don't like to tell anyone after a loss... but if the couple disagree, the woman SHOULD get the casting vote not the man. If they disagree.

I think the same should stand for a routine pregnancy.

EasyTigeress was your ex pregnant or the non-pregnant partner? That would be the crux.

I think yes, ideally, there should be a discussion about who to tell, but reacting furiously if that hasn't happened is an over-reaction. A chat about who you tell/don't tell next maybe, or why he is upset, maybe.

People do tend to wait to the 12 week scan, but having had three m/c, I always thought that was a mistake, because then you have to tell someone you were pg, and then what happened all in one go.

Hopefully this won't happen OP, and I am sorry to mention it, but if you feel you need support outside your partnership, or you wish to share your news, then you should be able to. All the best with your pregnancy.

squiz every relationship is different but it doesn't sound as if OP has had this discussion with her DP, and clearly she should have. I didn't want to talk to anyone except DH after either of our losses. Another friend of mine wanted to share her experiences in detail with her mates. Our DPs respected our different positions.

In her position, I would have spoken to DP and told him I needed the female support and that I would be telling someone. Not just gone ahead and done it. Not for permission, but so he was aware of what I needed.
So I understand his reaction.

Hubba agreed. I would never just tell people so DH found out through the grapevine. I told 2 relatives and mentioned to him, he was fine. Ironically when he told his dad, dad broadcasted it hither n yon. DH had to tell him to stop, it was family only!

It was me who was pregnant - to be honest I had miscarried 3 months before and people knew I was pregnant then. I found it very difficult to tell people we had lost our baby and was terrified of it happening again.

Before ExH going on a night out I asked him not to tell anyone, approximately 40 minutes later I got a phone call from one of his friends congratulating us. If he had been in front of me I would have strangled him.

I know it's entirely different situations but I really think that it is something that should be discussed and agreed on. For some it's not a big deal, for others it is. I would like to think if I go on to ever have another child that my partner and I would have a mutual respect for each others feelings on this.

I agree with the woman having a casting vote if a compromise can't be reached through negotiation. I think "a man can't possibly understand" is nonsense and pretty patronising.

I hope by now this has all blown over for the OP.