AIBU smug friend comments

[squizita]

Due to medical reasons, I'm having my 1st child after most of my friends. I'm a boring old 30something and most of my (parent) friends say I'm too serious, always worried when its OK to go "aaah little booties" in the shops.

Except one friend. Ever since I got successfully pregnant (I.e. past 1st trimester for 1st time) she's been a bit weird/smug. Like she wants me to be a shallow fool coming down with a bump! Examples that really get on my wick:
-SHE will tell a joke e.g. "Oh a girl! You'll have to dress her in tutus EVERY day haha! Tutus on the list with nappies!" And I'll laugh along "haha yeah tutus." And she'll suddenly act like I seriously said her joke, tell me there's more to raising a girl, they're not a doll etc. (1) I'm a child development professional not a compltet idiot (2) SHE made the joke, I just laughed along.

• She constantly tells me I will be fat and badly dressed and never wear make up when I have my baby. In a way that hints I'm a shallow bad mum or fantasist if I so much as hint I would try not to. TBH this offends me on behalf of all my other mum friends... They all look very nice. Or does she think I'm the rogue secret tramp?

Is it just me? Anyone else get the "you'll be a mess" naysayers? Just preggo rage?

Squizita stalks out and self I administers slap and ...

Jokes are jokes but personal remarks are not on. I'd tell her that you don't find it funny, and leave it at that.

I was VERY late to motherhood for a variety of reasons and one friend after becoming very distant totally dropped me. In retrospect we had little in common - she wants to be a party girl (even at 40+) whereas I'm more of a homebody.

I did get people saying 'oh wait 'til you gain all the baby weight' and then was able to be smug as I didn't put on more than 2lbs extra.

However, I do also recall being overly sensitive in the first few months so maybe its best to just ignore. Maybe smile a slightly puzzled smile and just carry on as though you didn't hear.

Don't meet her! Just say you're busy. You don't have to meet someone who's so unhinged.

Surround yourself with people who care about you and will help you.

Talk to your midwife about meeting up with other mums to be, if you're unsure where the nct centres are, and focus your energies on making new friends who aren't so freaking horrible.

Drop her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck with being a super parent!

Thanks.

I just thought it odd as I have 5 other friends with babies/toddlers and they don't put me down at all.

I don't mind a joke... But its like she "misquotes" me if I joke. Weird.

Yup, think a few months of "sorry I'm busy" are needed.

Tbh I wouldn't even be too bothered if my body got a bit bigger. DH loves "big strong girls" and my crop top n shorts days are back in 99-2000 era! :) plus... Spans exist! Lol!

Spanx!

It sounds to me like there's some history here. She's obviously very much looking forwards to you experiencing whatever it is she feels she has been through. She's probably felt envious of you for sometime, while you've been looking put together and she's been struggling/given up on how she looks.

It also sounds like she's felt intimidated by you for some time and now you are entering a space that she knows more about than you. She's enjoying that.

I wouldn't take it personally. Distance yourself if you are sensitive to it.

Oh my God I had a friend the exact same when I was pregnant!!
We sat next to each other in work and if she saw me painting my nails or looking at clothes online she'd chuckle to herself that I was in for a rude awakening, would never wear make up again, would wear rags, never think about myself again and if I did I'd be selfish!

Pleased to say none of that happened but she full filled her own prophecy!

Suzy and Anon yes, I think aside from her kids, too, she and her DH chose a slightly rural life whereas everyone else is city based (which may well mean easier access to parent-friendly shopping malls, support etc). I wonder sometimes if she secretly regrets it but would never say? Easier to stereotype "London mums" as shallow perhaps?

Oh I don't know. I'm a Londoner who moved to the country after first child was born (albeit slightly complicatedly, nearer my family) and think my lifestyle is very much easier than that of those based in London.

She might just be thick of course.

To be fair we were very surprised when she moved... She was extremely "London" ... The most out of any of us! I don't think I'd ever seen her in flat shoes and she lived on Tesco Metro shops late at night. So perhaps its just a personality thing!

Oh dear, she sounds jealous or desperate for others to understand the struggles she's been through? Have you asked other mums/ mutual friends if she's been the same with them when they had their firsts?

If you feel you can, have you thought about asking her about this behaviour? If you don't feel comfortable doing so then I think you'll just have to stop seeing her for a bit. Don't go as far as avoiding any mutual events because she is there, just don't see her alone and don't get into a conversation with just her, if you do and she says anything else like this then I would raise my eyebrows a bit and nod and then turn away and talk to someone else, nothing clearer than that without saying something!

I wouldn't feel right talking about her to other people who know her in real life... Too much like idle gossip!
But I do wonder...

As I've said before luckily most of my parent friends are positive and nothing but encouraging to a rather old first timer!

She's just a bitch.

Having kids does make you rejig all of your priorities. So what? For some their priority to wear make-up remains high. If it does, they'll find a way to do it without becoming selfish, bad parents ffs. For some of us (me) my priority was sleep. I would jump out of bed the utter last minute possible in the morning if my baby was sleep and just not look in a mirror. It didn't matter to me.

You'll have to make adjustments of course. YOU get to decide what they are, and how to do them.

Use the classic MN "did you mean to be so rude"

In all seriousness, she sounds poisonous. I had a friend like this who used to make comments about weight and appearance. Like "ooh I've lost 5lbs!" And kind of looks at you like you're shit.
My boobs have got bigger sort of comments. Again, said in a way to make sure you know you're inferior looks wise.

It was all very immature IMO but I couldn't help feeling hideous because of it.

In the end though nobody wanted to be her friend and she ended up with anorexia! So I think all the things she said that hurt everyone and drove them away were projections from her insecurities. Quite sad really although I hated her for a long time!

I had a couple of 'jokes' about how much weight I had put on- I might have been offended but I'd lost 13 lbs in first trimester so actually only gained a massive total of 4lbs in the end. Some people are such bitches!

She just sounds a bit jealous. Who knows, maybe she's been trying for a baby but unsuccessfully?

Amy slightly the opposite. Her DH and her had a big falling out because they have one more child than they planned, and it now means things she wanted they cannot do (re childcare and private schools)... she genuinely forgot her pill!
Youngest is lovely and loved/cared for, of course, I hasten to add.

...luckily we will never have to decide about private schools as even with only one couldn't afford it (and wouldn't want to, seeing as I work in state schools so consider myself a good judge of the local ones who do a top job).

uuurrrghhhh I have had a few comments like this, some from genuinely annoying people and some from friends who I am slightly more tolerant of.

"if you're tired now wait til the baby arrives!" in a patronising know-it -all way (YES I AM AWARE BABIES AFFECT LIE-INS)
"you say know you'll want to go back to work... I bet you won't, you'll be too bonded... I couldn't leave mine" (So much annoyingness here)

I'm 30-something too and I'm definitely getting a sense of "HA! Now we can watch you suffer, you with your extended period of overseas holidays and fancy handbags" from some friends who started a few years back.

Wow, that's extremely obviously rude and a bit goady and lacking in social skills of her. Avoid.

I HATE to admit this but I sometimes do have similar THOUGHTS (never words, because: rude!) about friends of mine who don't yet have children. That is, they tend to surface when I hear them discussing/judging the ridiculous things that parents do (which I agree are mostly ridiculous, but I'm not sure that most parents can escape doing them - stuff like bargaining with a toddler, allowing too much or indeed any sugar or tv, etc.)...I find myself thinking 'but...but... you have no idea, I wish you did!'

But begrudging for lie-ins, a make-up habit, foreign travel etc. is completely absurd and totally unfair. I bloody well adore all of the above and still manage most of them, albeit to a lesser extent (DH and I take turns for the weekend lie-in) and my fervent hope for all pregnant women is that they'll get to continue doing all of the things that are important to them once the dust settles after the baby arrives.

Honestly? I think often sometimes new mothers' wings are clipped a bit by unhelpful partners who don't pull their weight, and this can breed resentment and a bit of a trapped 'just you wait' attitude. It's lashing out, but it doesn't really have anything to do you with you personally, as strange as that might seem. I think Suzie's post is very astute and I agree that you should distance yourself from her.

Squizata people like this are just totally intolerable. Being on pg with my first, i am sure I have said some stupid things in the past about pg/rearing children but at least I came from a place of ignorance. This eejits comments to you are just idiotic and I think suzie is right about her feeling intimidated by you. Im guessing there is a good dose of jealousy coming on here and she is trying to steer you in her direction (no make up, messy post pg) because that's all she could manage. And there is nothing wrong with that. But it sounds like she is hoping you'll be like her because this would give her satisfaction. You must be a very well put together, organised unflappable person ordinarily and she is just plain jealous. Probably has been her whole life, pre her own pg, and now looks forward to you being more like her! I feel sorry for her for her jealousy instead of just being able to admit her pain to her friend and seek comfort/assistance.

My sister in law is just the same. She is 4 years older than my dh and 6 years older than me, and just loves the age gap because in her head it makes her so much wiser than me because she has had so much more life experience. There is nothing quite like the lecture we get from her on everything from our jobs (she has a totally different job and apparently knows more about my work than I do!), to our home, and now child rearing. For the last number of years, dh and I have been totally hands off with her children, so that she has no 'right' to interfere with our future bubs! I have worked out that its a total insecurity thing, it just pisses me off that im the one getting the brunt of it and reg have a good cry at home with hubs. I do my best to treat her like a mushroom, keep her in the dark and fill her full of sh*t! As in, 'yes you're totally right, i must do that, wow i never thought of that.' Makes her feel her advice/views are golden but gowes straight in one ear in my head and out the other. Its the only way!

Im 9wks pg today!

Greenstone Yes but what puzzles me is that some of the things she says don't even match up with other mums? So it's not like "no more grown up city breaks for a few years" more like "you won't even be able to drag yourself to Tesco", not so much 'no more handbags' rather 'fat and in rags' ... I'm not a 'dreamer' and tend to get my image of motherhood from RL friends, eye bags, baby-sick-shoulders and all. But the way she describes it I'll be the worst.

I think it could, as you say, be to do with lack of support. TBH she thinks my DH is very odd indeed as he has assigned chores (hoovering/upkeep of living area and washing up, I'm not a slave driver!).

PS. He kind of self-assigned these and will do more/less depending on what needs doing. I'm not Monica from friends!

Christ. It's almost like a scream for help - my life up til now as a woman has all been a giant con, this is what my life is really like now I'm a mother - veiled as advice to you. A DH issue. Knew it.

Oh and Green ... they don't have a TV aerial, so only very middle class DVDs (certainly not Rastamouse), nothing non-organic/home made, no sugar, teaching them to speak French ... they are pretty perfect by the 'middle class parenting' bible!

Maybe she can sense my sinfulness as a not so middle class mummy, she can smell my weakness. I put my hands up in advance... if future DD will settle down in front of Peppa Pig and eat those mushed-up-fruit-sachets when on the go rather than tuppawares, I will be LOVING that.

heh at green thinking those things. we all do. my sister in law is always perfectly turned out and i cannot wait for her to have to stop having botox and wearing startched white shirts open to her naval when/if she has babies.

tbh, i find, as a mother of 2 under 5 and at 37 weeks pregnant, with a full time job, the hardest part of any female/female relationship is dealing with first time pregnancies. fortunately most of my friends have eitehr been through them now, or are grown up enough to be sensible. but generally first timers are quite annoying and a bit clueless. it sounds like your friend is taking it all very very personally tho. and there will be a reason for that