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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to get an abortion

34 replies

sophiexo · 26/04/2014 17:20

Last weekend I found out I am pregnant (about 5 weeks I think)
I'm only 21 and haven't got the best wages in the world so not exactly financially stable. I'm in a long distance relationship (not majorly far) and my boyfriend is persistent about me having a termination but in my heart I don't want to get rid of it.

I just don't know what to do :\

OP posts:

jellybeans · 26/04/2014 17:26

keep the baby! If it isn't your choice to have a termination then don't be pushed into it. I know how you feel as it happened to me although i was quite a bit younger. I was really terrified and making a decision about it on your own is a nightmare. Things worked out really well for me (long story) and I always knew it was the right choice to keep the baby despite difficult circumstances. Good luck.

RAFWife12 · 26/04/2014 17:49

If you don't really want the termination, you should not go through with it. You will forever regret it. It's a big decision, but you have to do what is right for you.

Original poster

sophiexo · 26/04/2014 17:55

jellybeans - just feels wrong to have his baby without his 'permission'. did you keep your baby? how did you manage?

thanks RAFWife12, thats what i was thinking and i dont know how i'd live with the guilt for the rest of my life

thanks for your help x

OP posts:

alita7 · 26/04/2014 17:59

Congratulations :) Keep your baby you will be the one suffering psychologically if you do it when you don't want to! There is financial help if you need it.
If he's a man he'll step up.

AvoidingEasterDIY · 26/04/2014 18:12

You might feel like you want/need his 'permission' to keep 'his' baby, but you really, really don't. Yes, it is his baby & I think it's fair enough for him to tell you how he feels about it - but it's also YOUR baby and on top of that, it is YOUR body. It is YOU that has to live with this decision, it is YOUR body that has to go through this (either the termination or the pregnancy), not his. It is very very unfair of him to put you under pressure to terminate your pregnancy :(

He might even lower himself to say will 'dump' you if you keep it - if he does say that, then dump his stupid arse now - whatever you decide about the baby.

Even if you do terminate your pregnancy in the hope of 'keeping him', it is unlikely to work out, you would feel an enormous amount of resentment and it is bound to destroy your relationship.

If it was me and he was putting me under pressure to terminate I would leave him now and I would tell him that I intended to continue with my pregnancy.

Think carefully about what YOU want, what is right for YOU. 5 weeks is very very early and it really is, at the moment 'a cluster of cells' (for want of a better phrase) and not yet a baby. You have your whole life ahead of you - is this the right time for YOU (not him, YOU) to be having a baby? For some it's the making of them for others waiting is a better option - only YOU can decide what is right for YOU.

Babs48 · 26/04/2014 18:17

My EX broke up with me when I was 5 weeks PG with DS2. He told me to abort him, he would pay and to never mention it to either of our families and forget the whole thing happened.

I have a 8MO DS2 who is on his play May at the moment and I wouldn't change it for the world, he has been my strength.

Think long and hard and please if you do not want to have a termination do not have one as you have got to live with your decision for the rest of your life.

Original poster

sophiexo · 26/04/2014 18:22

Hi AvoidingEasterDIY,

Yes, we have been through the whole thing about him leaving me if I keep the baby because apparently he isn't ready for it. I'm not worried about being on my own and bringing up the baby without him because i've got enough support around me anyway, with or without him.

Thats what I've told him - the resentment will tear us apart and I'll blame him for making me get rid of it.

I booked an appointment at the clinic just for a consultation but that isnt til 6th May (so by then i'll be 7 weeks and it'll be even further along by the time the termination date comes - if it comes), every day seems to be getting harder at the moment. I almost feel like my brains gone into overload and i've forgotten how/what to think.

OP posts:

Antiopa12 · 26/04/2014 18:24

Do what is right for you.
I had a work colleague who was told by the hospital that she would not be able to get pregnant. By some miracle in her late thirties she did. Her boyfriend told her that it was either him or the baby and she should have an abortion. She did have an abortion and then the boyfriend left her.

AvoidingEasterDIY · 26/04/2014 18:29

Oh love, that's a long wait :( Can you try ringing around some other places?

'He isn't ready for it'... well, that's tough shit isn't it, he should have thought about that before he had sex and he should have used a condom as well as whatever other birth control you were using.

Does he seem to care what you think? What you want?

expatinscotland · 26/04/2014 18:29

One of my dear friends was bullied into having an abortion she did not want when she was your age. She was later unable to have any children at all despite multiple rounds of IVF.

If you don't want an abortion, do not have one.

AvoidingEasterDIY · 26/04/2014 18:31

Antipoa :( you hear it so, so often. Mind you, at her age & in her situation I am very surprised she chose him over the baby anyway. Poor woman.

Original poster

sophiexo · 26/04/2014 18:33

AvoidingEasterDIY,

Yeah, thats exactly what I said to him.

He says that all of my opinions on it are wrong, that it isn't fair to have the baby. All week he's been saying to get rid, yesterday he had about half hour of wanting it and being excited, but now back to square one and not wanting it.

Its the lack of support from him that I'm struggling with, I havent seen him since we found out that I'm pregnant and whenever we talk we just argue.

Bloody men!!!!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 26/04/2014 18:46

He doesn't seem to care what you think, sophie. I'd suggest telling him not to contact you for a few days or longer so you can think about what you want. Life is not fair and it's not all about him.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2014 18:47

Your opinions are not all wrong. They count as much as his.

AvoidingEasterDIY · 26/04/2014 18:51

Right - so his opinions are 'right' and your opinion about your baby and your body are wrong FFS.

'It isn't fair to have the baby' - and it's fair for YOU to have a termination and the possible life long repurcussions of that (emotional and or physical).

Jesus wept.

I think 'lack of support from him' is something that is going to break you up either way, so my love, please do what is right for you with this pregnancy. YOU, not him. He doesn't seem to be showing YOU any consideration at all, just pressure :(

Emzzy26x · 26/04/2014 18:55

Hey lovely

Your body, your baby, your decision :)
I went through an abortion about 3 years ago! It was mine and my partners mutual decision as I was in uni at the time and it wasnt the right time! Bit I still felt guilt and had major emotional problems afterwards
My partner still stood by me!
Pleasr dont do anything YOUR going to suffer the backlash from both emotional and physically :(

Xxxx

22honey · 26/04/2014 19:18

my friend was in this position at 20 years old, he was older and already had loads of kids, she didn't abort and has a healthy son but now has no ovaries due to 2 freakishly large cysts. Had she gone through with the abortion she would never have been a mother, she considers herself very lucky and is so happy to have her boy.

i am young (22) aswell and expecting my first baby, I am also on a low income but have a lot of family support like you, you should be entitled to the £500 maternity grant and the £3.10 a week vouchers for fruit veg and milk depending on how low your income is. Theres lots of support and financial help for people in this situation so never worry about that, babies dont need spoiling anyway!

if you dont want to terminate dont! my SIL terminated when she was young at 12 weeks and it came out looking like an actual baby, it scarred her for life and even though she wanted the termination she says it was so awful she'd never ever do it again, even if it was another unplanned unwanted pregnancy. Its not something to take lightly and men who treat it that way really rub me up wrong tbh.

JohnnyBarthes · 26/04/2014 19:36

I have had an abortion - I found it difficult but it was absolutely the right thing to do at the time and I have no regrets (other than becoming pregnant in the first place).

I am 100% pro-choice. Your choice. If you want to continue with this pregnancy then please do. x

Original poster

sophiexo · 26/04/2014 19:37

Thanks for all your help and advice ladies! It really does help to have advice from people that aren't emotionally attached to me.

22honey, How far gone are you? how does the father of your baby feel? I'm not too worried about money, there are women in worse financial situations but we all manage to scrape through somehow. The biggest issue for me is my boyfriend pressuring me into an abortion and his lack of support if i go through with having the baby.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 26/04/2014 19:42

This is a no brainer - dump the guy and keep the baby.

HorraceTheOtter · 26/04/2014 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iwillorderthefood · 26/04/2014 20:25

There is nothing wrong with going to the appointment and discussing your options. I have done this, and it really clarifies exactly what you want. I really thought a termination was right for me, as we had completed our family. However the more I spoke about it the more I decided that I could not got through with it. I had a scan to confirms the pregnancy, discussed what method was going to be used, but ultimately never made the appointment to terminate.

That said, when I was was a couple of years older than you, I did terminate a pregnancy, however, I was under no pressure, and made the right decision for ME. Even though this was definitely the right decision, it still was not easy as I knew one day I wanted children. However all I felt afterwards was utter relief.

As others have said, this is your body, your life and your decision. Do what you feel is right for you.

22honey · 26/04/2014 21:02

Sophie I am 24 weeks tomorrow, I am still with the father and he was happy (he is younger than me!) and cannot wait, sorry I know that musnt be much help to you, he has had anxieties and worries aswell but tbh is not really one to talk about feelings too much so I'm not fully certain how he truly feels. I do know he is happy and wants the baby though. When you are our age you do worry more because you feel like maybe others will view you as a failure for becoming a mother so 'young' (I dont think the 20s is young, definately not in biological terms its the perfect time to have children) because theres a social expectation these days that people will be about 30 and already have their lives and finances sorted before they have children. But life cannot always be planned and people will always tell you theres never any 'right' time to be having a baby!

Sorry I cant help regarding support from the boyfriend as mine is supportive, what about your bfs family? Even if he doesnt want anything to do with the child/doesnt want it, his family might well do. My dad wasnt in the same country due to work issues after I was conceived (they wernt together properly anyway and he was due to leave before I was conceived) and subsequently wasnt involved in my upbringing (though he did provide financially I am lead to believe) but his mother was and we had a great relationship, she would look after me whilst my mum worked on weekends. Do you have family of your own to help you? If you do thats a great thing and I'd really give it thought when considering my options as your baby will most likely have doting aunts, grandparents who will want to spend time with them too, giving you and the baby much needed support and love around you.

I hope it works out the best for you, dont forget that even if a man is happy at first with a pregnancy, there is nothing to say he wont change his mind and leave at any point after that. This has happened to many women so theres unfortunately no guarantee of long term support from any partner. xxx

Cuppateaandabiscuit · 26/04/2014 21:36

I've NC for this.

OP I was pressured into having a termination when I was in my 20s. Two weeks afterwards he told me he 'needed space' and I never heard from him again.

I cannot begin to tell you what a mess I was. I was grieving for the baby I didn't really want to give up, plus the fact that it was job done as far as he was concerned. I ended up on anti depressants, I was rock bottom.

Please do what is best for you. if you have an abortion and stay with him you will end up hating him. Whatever you do there is every chance your relationship won't work out so think about what is important to you.

I am now happily married with children and thank god I don't ever see this man anymore, my life has changed dramatically. Think about his attitude here, is this really a man you want to be with? I still think about my baby and how old he or she would have been. Don't be pressured into anything. He may not turn out to be the man you hope.

Original poster

sophiexo · 26/04/2014 21:50

22honey, I'm glad that your boyfriend is stepping up to the mark. Wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. It's just tearing me apart every day.
As for his family, well let's just say, they don't even know I'm pregnant because he's still hanging on to the hope that I will terminate the pregnancy so said there's no point in telling them. But from my side, the child will be loved endlessly by close friends and family.

Deep down, I know if I went through with the pregnancy he would be happy in the end, it's just getting to that stage xx

OP posts:

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