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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Single mummy to be, baby's surname. Stressing out please help :(

48 replies

CarlyKins · 28/01/2014 17:00

Hi girls, I will cut this story short but basically I am 7 months pregnant with my baby boy who I'm so madly crazy in love with. I've known my baby's dad for a long time, we were not together as we decided we were better just as friends so no relationship came of it. 5 months later I find out I'm expecting, I had no idea! Anyway he wants to be involved in baby's life which is absolutely fine but he pretty much told me that he's having his last name. I wasn't happy at all the way he just presumed this, we talked about it and he said ok give him yours but now he keeps bringing it up and putting pressure on me I'm getting really stressed out because I want my son to have my name. We are not married or together in any way. I don't want to sound selfish but it's just really upsetting me there's no way I could give his surname I would feel like a part of my son was taken away from me if that makes sense? Also a double barrel of our names does not to together at all. Am I being unreasonable? Xxx

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Mmolly2013 · 28/01/2014 17:15

Give the baby your name. In that circumstance I would do what makes me happy. Don't stress the baby is getting your name and that's the end if it. I'd play along for now to end the stress and when baby is born put it in your name.

PiratesLifeForMe · 28/01/2014 17:21

Given the circumstances I'd give the baby my name too.

Don't play along though, just tell him straight.

summerbaby2014 · 28/01/2014 17:22

I think the baby should have your name.

EdieBlizzard · 28/01/2014 17:25

Go ahead and do what you feel you want to do? Practically it makes a lot of sense for resident parent and child to share the same name -saves lots of explanations later on! Could your baby have his father's name as a middle name as a compromise?

Beanymonster · 28/01/2014 17:27

I think the idea of his surname as your ds' middle name is nice, keeps him invoked, no doubt as to who the father is on anyone's behalf (not what you want to be thinking, I know, but it clears it up!) and your ds has your surname as you arnt together!

JanePurdy · 28/01/2014 17:32

No way would I give my baby the surname of a man I wasn't in a relationship with. Give him your name. You can use the dad's name as a middle name if you want to.

Kendodd · 28/01/2014 17:35

Even if I was married I would make sure my child had my last name, I'd double barrel though.

ChristineDaae · 28/01/2014 17:37

My DD has her dads name, but we were/are together and I will be changing my name in a few months when we get married.
In your situation there isn't a chance in hell she would have got his surname!

weebairn · 28/01/2014 17:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable AT ALL.

Me and my boyfriend have been together 17 years, we gave our baby my surname just because we preferred it. This seems to be very unusual, but we don't care. I don't understand how it's ok for women not to take man's names in marriage now, but kids HAVE to have their dad's name. And in your case if you are not in a relationship there is no way he can make that decision! I'm sorry he is stressing you out, I think it's really poor behaviour.

Juliealpha · 28/01/2014 17:42

I was in a similar situation 15years ago. I wouldn't want a child of mine to have a different surname. He had my name, when I married 3 years later (not babies dad) we both changed our surname together and my husband became my son's legal guardian

Very best wishes to you

Rosieliveson · 28/01/2014 17:46

Hi, I definitely think the baby should have your name. As you are not married or in a relationship and you will be primary caregiver/resident parent, it would seem strange if you were to have different surnames.

HectorVector · 28/01/2014 17:48

In this situation I would give the baby your surname. If you were in a relationship with the father then I'd consider given the child his name, but as you're not and you are raising this baby as a single parent it should have your name. Could you maybe use his as a middle name to keep the peace?

Spaghettinetti · 28/01/2014 18:02

It's definitely best to give the baby your name for a number of practical reasons as well as emotional. Having a different name to your child when travelling may cause potential problems, not to mention being called Mrs such and such by teachers etc...

Writerwannabe83 · 28/01/2014 18:24

Your little boy should have your surname - I hate it when guys demand it have theirs. Why should the baby have this guy's last name in preference of yours?

McFox · 28/01/2014 18:28

Give your baby your name, no quest. It's not up to the father to dictate to you, just tell him straight. What could he do other than moan?

TheCrackFox · 28/01/2014 18:28

Far, far more sensible (and fair) for the baby to have your surname. As mentioned above travelling abroad is a pain in the arse if you have different surnames.

Meglet · 28/01/2014 18:29

Give the baby your surname no matter how much your ex screams and shouts about it.

I speak from bitter experience.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/01/2014 18:39

Your surname, definitely.

YOU will be the one giving birth to and caring for your son. He will live with YOU.

If your son has your name, then should you meet and marry someone in the future and change your own name, you have the legal power to allow your son to do the same should he want to, and perhaps be the same as his brothers or sisters. Or, again, should you have other children who bear your name, he will be the same as them.

It's great that your son's dad wants to be involved. Sadly however I've lost count of the times that things start off fine, but a few years later dad is nowhere to be seen- maybe moved on to a reLtionship and other children, lost interest, moved away... And you have single mothers whose children have the name of a family they're not part of.

DO NOT GIVE IN to your son's dad here. There is no reason h should have his name other than that's what he wants. Why should his wishes trump those of the person that's going to be doing the work?

Tell him VERY clearly that it is NOT up for discussion.

Yama · 28/01/2014 18:43

Your baby should have your name. No question.

You may end up regretting it if you don't. You can be sure that you will be in your child's life.

SweetPea86 · 28/01/2014 18:51

Baby should have your name, it's really lovely that the dad will be supporting you but your are still a single mum and better to have your name, :)

Tbh I've been with my partner for 11 years and were not married and it's been a worry for me. We do plan to get married( just getting round to it lol) so we have decide baby will have a double barrel name so both surnames.

All the best to you Hun :)

JustALittleGreen · 28/01/2014 18:55

DDs father left when I was pg, she has my surname, of course (if we'd stayed together I would've double barelled). If you want give your child his father's name as a middle name but why on earth would you want him to have a different name to you?! On a practical level it will make holidays very difficult as you will have to prove why you are travelling with an apparently unrelated child. Why are you allowing him to think he calls the shots?

PotteringAlong · 28/01/2014 18:55

If he is to be involved with the babies life then surely the "it's better when you go abroad" argument doesn't hold water? Why should it not be a problem for the mother but a pain in the arse for the father? It's still his baby!

JustALittleGreen · 28/01/2014 18:57

This is 2014 for crying out loud! Baffles me that this is still a thing

Damnautocorrect · 28/01/2014 18:58

Firstly congratulations,
I'm in a relationship with my 4 year olds dad. He has his surname, I wish wish wished he'd had mine. And we are still in a relationship!
So don't give it up unless your sure

FloweryFeatureWall · 28/01/2014 18:58

Give the baby your name. There's always posts by women asking if they can change their baby's last name because they don't want him or her to remind them of their ex anymore and they aren't impressed when they find out they aren't allowed to. If baby has his name, people will always assume it's your last name too and you'll have a lifetime (unless you change yours or marry him) of saying "no, I'm miss/ms myname not miss/ms babylastname".

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