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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Single mummy to be, baby's surname. Stressing out please help :(

48 replies

CarlyKins · 28/01/2014 17:00

Hi girls, I will cut this story short but basically I am 7 months pregnant with my baby boy who I'm so madly crazy in love with. I've known my baby's dad for a long time, we were not together as we decided we were better just as friends so no relationship came of it. 5 months later I find out I'm expecting, I had no idea! Anyway he wants to be involved in baby's life which is absolutely fine but he pretty much told me that he's having his last name. I wasn't happy at all the way he just presumed this, we talked about it and he said ok give him yours but now he keeps bringing it up and putting pressure on me I'm getting really stressed out because I want my son to have my name. We are not married or together in any way. I don't want to sound selfish but it's just really upsetting me there's no way I could give his surname I would feel like a part of my son was taken away from me if that makes sense? Also a double barrel of our names does not to together at all. Am I being unreasonable? Xxx

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/01/2014 18:58

Basically he gets no say in the matter, so stop stressing about it.

He's being a complete dick, so why not stop communicating with him until he stops imagining he gets to tell you what to do just because he provided the sperm that got you pregnant?

Spaghettinetti · 28/01/2014 19:11

Pottering, it 'holds' if the mother is the primary carer, which she will be in this case...

EirikurNoromaour · 28/01/2014 19:12

Just say no. There is no discussion to be had, because the decision is made. You are so not being unreasonable, it's your choice to make.

neversleepagain · 28/01/2014 19:41

When you register the baby the registry office wont give a rat's arse what your son's father says or thinks. You are not married and they will register the names YOU choose for your son. I would think carefully about putting his name on the birth certificate, he will have to take you to court if he insists.

icklekid · 28/01/2014 19:43

Friends of mine who are together had to push for it to be in fathers name it was presumed it would be mothers name and on all notes etc that was how recorded...incase that helps

Bythebeach · 28/01/2014 19:57

All three of mine -my eldest who is my ex's and my younger two with DH have mine. If I were in your position I would definitely use my surname!

But where are all the enlightened men - the ex and DH can't be the only two!!! Both were happy to discuss and for various reasons ended up using mine. No big deal.....

Original poster

CarlyKins · 28/01/2014 20:00

I am absolutely overwhelmed with all the responses and support from my question, thankyou so much to every one of you (apart from JustALittleGreen who clearly had nothing nice to say lol). You have all really helped me out, I feel so much better after reading every comment and am glad to know I'm not being unreasonable. For those who mentioned giving him a middle name after his dad, that's definitely an option. His name is John and it would go nicely as a middle name to be fair but there's no way I could have a baby and give him another surname. Thanks again so much for your help girls, best wishes to u all xxxx

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 28/01/2014 20:04

You make the choice. If you want the baby to have your surname then it should have. This would set alarm bells ringing for me if somebody I was not in a relationship with started laying down the law and making demands.

PrincessPeashooter · 28/01/2014 20:11

Justalittlegreen was not having a pop at you OP she stated in her first post that she thought the baby should have your name. Her second post related (I assume) to the fact that it is 2014 and yet so many people still assume the baby should have the fathers name, it is archaic.

Enjoy your new boy and choose whatever name you want!

littlemisssarcastic · 28/01/2014 20:13

Just out of interest, why do the posters who do regret, regret giving their child the father's surname?

KitKat1985 · 28/01/2014 20:59

I'm with the other posters. I think it should definitely be your name. It's great that he wants to be involved and I appreciate you want to stay on good terms with your baby's dad, but you are not in a relationship and as the child will primarily be with you as his main guardian then it makes sense he has your surname. I appreciate your point potteringalong but at the end of the day if a child is going to primarily be with it's mother then it's the mother that will have to encounter the majority of the legal pitholes if the child has a different surname to them. Also I know so many women whose childrens' fathers promised at the beginning that they would be involved, and whilst they're are some great dads who keep their promises, lets be realistic and acknowledge that there are also quite a few fathers who drift out of the childs life after a while, particularly when they get a partner and want a family of their own. I would maybe consider giving your son one his father's name as a middle name though, so that you are acknowledging him and his importance to your son.

Ihavemyownname · 28/01/2014 21:06

My ds is double barreled surname but his mainly registered with just my surname. I do wish I had been stronger and not had his dads surname on there at all

Shellywelly1973 · 28/01/2014 21:43

My older dc have my surname.

My 3 younger dc have their dad's surname as we were together for years & intended to marry. We split up before Christmas. New baby is due today. I will give this baby her dad's surname like her brothers & sister.

It's never caused any problems to be honest.

Meglet · 28/01/2014 21:55

littlemiss My now XP wouldn't let me double barrel the dc's names when we went to register them, we were planning to get married but I wanted both our surnames on the birth certificate. He wouldn't let me have my name on there (shouting and kicking off etc).

So the dc's are stuck with the surname of a man they don't know and I have no idea what will happen if we ever want to go abroad. My only hope is to provide all the evidence of his abuse and hope that I can double barrel their names by deed poll, apparently they will look at each case on it's own merits if abuse has happened and the father is totally absent. It's still a very long shot though .

Blu · 28/01/2014 21:58

Give the baby your name, and his father's first or middle name as a middle name.

And then, personally, I would not be then thinking of changing yours and your child's name to the name of any future man you might marry or have a relationship with. By that time there will be 2 in the family that have your name, if there is any name changing to be done, he can change his name to yours and then any future children will all have the same name as their siblings.

DontmindifIdo · 28/01/2014 22:02

Your baby should have the same surname as you.

At the risk of being nasty, your exP says he wants to be involved now while there's no actual baby, that could change when the baby is here. You could be stuck with the difficulties of a baby with a different surname to yours, in order to keep a man happy who's hardly involved in that DCs life.

Also, if this is your first DC, are you certain it will be your only? If there's a chance you will have other children in the future with a new partner, it nice for each of your DCs to have the same surname. The only way that can happen is if you give them all your surname.

Ultimately, it's your decision not your exPs, make your decision and then inform him. He doesn't get to tell you what's going to happen. god, at this rate, I'd just not discuss it, and go register the baby without him with your name, you can add him on it later. Save the stress.

JanePurdy · 28/01/2014 22:13

Just for the records my DC have my husband's surname (their dad) so I do have children with a different name to me. It doesn't actually bother me or cause me hassles, but the amount of times I give their names/spell them out etc - eg ringing to book dentist appts, I give my name, then they has to look the children up in a separate search as the name is different. If that makes sense. There is no way I would opt for that in your position OP.

Jolay100 · 29/01/2014 17:28

Give your baby your name. Include his fathers name as a middle name if you wish.
My cousin has her mothers name as her surname, even though her parents are married. Her mum never felt that she wanted to change her name on marriage and wanted her daughter to have her name. Her husband was supportive, although some other members of the family weren't and still insist on sending cards etc addressed to her dad's surname! Do what you want.

firstpglivingabroad · 30/01/2014 02:59

Hi OP. I haven't read most of the other comments, but wanted to say I'm in a similar situation. Got together with a friend, found out I was pg, he left me. When I was first pg I thought we would do things together and be a family (he was talking about marriage too, I thought it too soon) and I told him that the baby would have his surname as is "traditional". Now I'm to be a single mum (through no choice of my own I add) there is to be no further discussion, the baby has my name period. The two of us will be a family and I'm afraid I don't even plan on consulting ExP on first & middle names. I don't want my baby's friends asking him why he has a different surname from me. And - a practical note - you can see from my username that I live overseas at the moment. I know more than one expat here who has kept her maiden name after marriage and has been questioned at the airport about travelling with a young child who has a different surname. Plus registering them in classes, turning up for appointments etc. You could find yourself constantly justifying & proving you are the child's mother. When the baby is older s/he can always choose to take his/her father's name if they wish - much depending on how much he is actually around in their life. Good luck x

Innogen · 30/01/2014 03:02

In the case of single women,

Your fanny, your name.

Tell him to do one.

firstpglivingabroad · 30/01/2014 03:11

ha ha Innogen - that made me laugh (which is no easy thing these days). Totally agree. May use your exact words when the time comes

PenguinsDontEatKale · 30/01/2014 09:20

You are the one who will definitely be raising this child. Regardless of good intentions now, he may not. The baby should have your name.

If you want a name connection with his dad then a middle name is a lovely suggestion.

Original poster

CarlyKins · 30/01/2014 10:14

Thanks again for all the new comments this has helped me out so much, I feel a million times stronger about this after reading what you have all said, hahaha to #innogen, brilliant comment!! Made me chuckle lol. Thanks again ladies all the best xxx

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