Pregnant with my first child and people just keep telling me how rubbish it is to be a parent :(

[SweetPea86]

Sorry will pre warn you this is a long rant!

So this is suppose to be a happy time, my actually pregnancy is rough, sickness from 5 weeks and now 27 weeks not sick as much but it's still draining, as well as this I have a trapped nerve in my bum and SPD.

Work colleagues seem to go out of their way to tell me how awful it is being a parent, two women in particular just seem to try to freak me out all the time.

I could be talking about rainbows and some how they would change it in to labour talk, telling my all horric things and quite frankly I'm freaking out.

Then today one of them said oh the first 3 months after you you've had baby is awful your depressed, miserable and can't cope.

I asked her if she suffered from post natel depression she replied no just how every women feels.

I've struggled with depression in the past and I am worried I do get post natel depression.

It's a time I should be excited about but there bringing me down.

Telling me once you have a baby your life is over WTF I see it as a new chapter in my life.

Come home from work feeling scared and down in the dumps.

Please tell me not all women feel like this.

Of course being a parent is amazing. It's the most incredible thing that has probably happened to any of us who are parents.

I suspect women share horror stories because the things they are sharing - a bad labour, baby blues, feeling trapped in the house, no sleep, all the bad stuff women tend to say - was what floored them. It was something they found hard to deal with and so in a peverse way, they are trying to help.

Every parent finds different things hard. We were lucky on the sleep front but I have struggled ever since DD was born with having no spontenaity and a severely curtailed social life (gorgeous as a 1yo is, they aren't much entertainment on a Saturday night when your OH is at work and your stuck in watching X Factor ).

I do genuinely believe that most women are saying these things because in a way they wished someone had warned them about it before they had children. Of course some women just want to compete and say they had the shittest time, but most are trying to help. Most are telling you about their difficult labour because they worry that if you go into labour thinking it will be all "splash, splash, pant, pant, ooh look the baby is here!" then you will be in for a very distressing shock if things don't go to plan.

If it is upsetting you, though, just try and blank them.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. In some ways they are doing you a favour as when it is rubbish (which it will be at some point) you'll know it's normal. Don't do like my SIL who stuck her fingers in her ears when people tried to tell her what labour and having a baby was really like. She thought the women on OBEM were 'drama queens' and that a baby was some sort of lifestyle accessory that would sleep 23 hours a day. She got such a huge shock. Better going in with your eyes open then you more likely to be pleasantly surprised.

Easier said than done I know, but try and ignore it. Or if you feel confident enough, then call them on it. Next time they talk negatively about their experience (and remember it is their experience, not yours), say something like, 'wow, you ladies must really regret having children/dislike your children etc, because from the way you talk, I don't hear any positives at all'.

If not just rise above it. They are in some ways right, but their delivery is not particularly sensitive. The first three months are difficult, I don't think any parent to be thinks it will be a breeze, but before they are arrive, it's difficult to completely comprehend. I think the reason it's tough to begin with, is because it's a learning curve. Everything takes so long because you are learning everything from how to change a nappy to learning your baby's cries and patterns etc. just keep one thing in mind - there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it gets clearer and clearer with each day, week and month that you progress.

Enjoy your baby!

Ignore them. People amuse themselves with this, set it up like parenthood is one massive war parents V children. It's not like that for me - I've not even lost that much sleep!

Well, I wasn't miserable or depressed for the first 3 months after having either DC, I don't think any of my friends were either, except one who did have PND - so actually I'd cut your colleague a little slack, it sounds like she did struggle with it mentally and is in denial. A lot of woman don't get treatment for PND and if they think this is normal way to feel, won't.

You probably won't feel depressed, so if you do feel that way, go to the doctors.

It's knackering, and it takes a while to get the hang of things, but I'm sure I'm not unusual to have enjoyed the first few months with both DCs.

People can tell you the bits they found hard, but it's virtually impossible to explain how good it is and why its all worth it. You are about to discover just how much you can love, that's an amazing feeling.

People said these things to me and as a result I found being a parent a lot, lot easier than I expected. Worst case scenario is really that one hard thing might happen, you won't get everything hard that happened to everyone in a single baby.

Also remember that it is human nature to share problems, to reassure yourself you are not the only one, but less so to brag about how great things are. If you heard my ante natal group talking, you would think no baby ever slept, but 3/8 of us would be staying quiet as our babies slept really well.

How insensitive of them. My best friend is pregnant with her first and I wouldn't dream of saying that to her. She's enjoying the pregnancy bubble - the dreaming of what her baby will be like, imagining walks in the park with a sleeping newborn - and I wouldn't dream of spoiling that for her.

I have two. It is the best and hardest job in the world. My youngest is 5 months and I am so, so tired. Some days I can barely remember my name, none of my clothes fit and I have no idea how I'll ever manage work again.

But, my babies are the absolute best thing in my life. Their births were the most amazing, empowering experiences I've ever had. Yes, it's hard, but it's worth it!

Congratulations and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Sweetpea I feel your pain. This has been annoying the f*ck out of me too. I checked in to a swanky restaurant on facebook last Saturday and a load of already-parented-people commented things like:

''Get the restaurant trips in before June!!''

''Might as well, your life is OVER in a few months!!''

''Come June it'll be baby groups you'll be in so lap up the last of the freedom''

Really??? way to rain on my parade f*ckers!

if it was that bad, humanity would cease to exist.

Chica - I would say is going ot the cinema - while I often go out for dinner with DH, but when we have a babysitter, it feels like a waste to go to the cinema or theatre together and sit not talking to each other.

No longer going ot the cinema together does seem to be standard one for most parents of young DCs, so make an effort to go - you probably will still go to swanky restaurants, ignore those who say otherwise, it's the stuff you don't do after having DCs you should try to fit in now! (spa days is another, if you BF it's ages until you can have more than a couple of hours away from your DC, so get one of those in if you enjoy them! Basically, anything that takes a lot of time you'd have to have away from the baby.)

oh and most people stop going to nice restaurants because they can't afford it once they drop to one wage, not because they can't get away from the baby!

I know what you mean SweetPea. If one more person tells me that things will change when the baby arrives, accompanied with a smug smirk, I will punch them. Particularly the ones without DC. I mean, are they expecting me to say "oh thank you, wise one, that never occurred to me"?! I have perfected smiling and nodding while thinking about my favourite type of cake.

My Dsis had her first baby 6 months ago. While I can see it is hard for her in some respects, she has never seemed happier. So there are positive stories out there too.

I'm just trying to remember how annoying it is to be told these things so that I don't do it to anyone else in the future. It seems to be something that people just can't help though!!

See people kept telling me to go to the cinema too. Bloody impossible to sit in those uncomfortable seats for hours on end while pregnant. And having to pee every 10 seconds.

OMG they are so wrong ! Although I had a terrible sleeper (sleep deprivation lasted ten months) I have found being a parent utterly BRILLIANT. You can't imagine how your heart will soar when baby smiles and giggles at you. DS is 18m old now and is such a fun, funny little guy. we laugh every day, no word of a lie. the wizard of oz analogy is a good one.

I think their misery is more to do with them than you.

as to labour, it truly is a big deal before and during, but it's not the main thing. it gets less and less important as time goes on, which is why you needn't ever worry about pain med free, epidural, c-secretion or any of that. Once you have your baby (and the real life begins) it'll be as important as what flowers were at your wedding.

if babies are so blooming awful, and childbirth such unimaginable horror, why do people typically go on to have more, hmmm? I'm expecting dc number 2 and am super excited.

Yes things change when you have a baby and yes it can be difficult sometimes but a baby also brings so much joy and for me at least it's the best thing I have ever done in my whole life (sorry if that sounds OTT but there you go).
A woman I used to work with was like this, turned out she was very unhappy in her home life, wanted another kid but couldn't as her DH refused etc etc so maybe these people are just projecting their own insecurities etc on to you.
I like mintberrys retort along the lines of "thanks but that is not very helpful" keep repeating until they get the message.
Congratulations on your pregnancy

I think a lot of women think that if they didn't suffer for something, be it labour/their baby's sleeping/feeding/temperament then it's not as valid! My DD slept through from 7 weeks & I'm (still!) sick to the back teeth of people telling me I'm sooooo lucky & then launching into their trials & tribulations re: their baby's sleeping. Yes, my DD is (touch wood!) a good sleeper & yes, it is marvellous to get a full night's sleep but I worked bloody hard to get her into a four hourly feeding routine & away from the night feed and quite frankly, I'm not going to wish for her to be a bad sleeper just so I can bond over sleepless nights!! Equally, having a tough time doesn't make you a superior human being (or mother!) Becoming a Mummy is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me - it will be for you too. Your life won't come to a screeching halt, quite the opposite.

I've suffered from depression for ten years,ever since I was at school. Now I'm a mum - it's gone. I'm sleep deprived,often covered in sick,but I feel the best I've ever felt. Obviously keep an eye out for PND, but just because you're prone to depression doesn't mean it's inevitable. And baby smiles make everything better :-)

well, it's not all a bed of roses but 'rubbish' seems an unduly harsh assessment! Nothing rubbish about cuddling your baby and watching her grow up and give you kisses out of the middle of nothing at all and tell you that you're a beautiful princess.

As for labour - well, mine was rather epic but I had an amazing midwife at the point of birth, to the extent I though about training to be a midwife!

Mine is 5 months.

Honestly, hardest thing I've ever done BUT what jimijack said (it's lovely and it's true)

Labour - fine actually and I was induced.

First few weeks are mind blowing but you find your rhythm and we're doing just fine

Ignore them. Drama queens and haters.

And congrats :).

My SPD was lifting 2 days before due date and was totally, 100% gone by the time I was on the ward. The Physio told me it would be and I didn't believe her.

From my perspective, now, with a 16 and 14 year old, the first three months seems like a blip! That's the thing - parenthood is not just about those first months - it's the rest of your life, and it changes all the time, and every stage is fascinating and hard work and wonderful. The first three months was certainly hard - a huge learning curve - but you know what, on my desk here I still have a picture of my DD at a week old, lying on my lap bunched up like she was still inside me (well, she did come three weeks early!) and so often I still wish I could zoom back in time and hold my children again as those warm little bundles. I loved them then and I love them now - so enjoy every moment of it, SweetPea, even the tough parts, because they will all pass, quicker than you think (that's the only cliche that people said to me that was both helpful and true!). If someone had told me beforehand that even night-time feeds have their own magic, I wouldn't have believed them, but they do! Ignore your colleagues and enjoy it!

Thanks ladies for all your supportive words. I think the most annoying thing about it is I'm not even talking about pregnancy or babies and they just change the subject and start with the little smug grins and start telling me how rubbish every thing was. Doesn't help I'm all over the place tiered and hormonal.

I never went in to pregnancy thinking it would be easy. It's took me years to decide I want a baby as I new it was a massive responsibility.

Part of me does think they had such a hard time because they went in to it very naive. I will just try to ignore :)

mummyinpink he was diabolical at the beginning, which is the entire reason something had to be done and had to ignore mummy instincts and let him cry!

so he was kind of ok first part of night as far as i can remember, but then, as soon as it got to 2am he would awaken, feed, and just not go back to sleep. at all. for hours and hours. ie awake from about 2-6 am. it was awful! couple of nights of controlled crying, and it stopped, and would then just wake at normal feeding intervals which we gradually spaced.

My son is 11 weeks and a darling, we're out all the time! I recovered really quickly from labour. You'll be fine :) I find women who told me negative things just have that kind of personality anyway!

A lot of my time pregnant was spent ignoring people! They do chat some nonsense, I loved giving birth and have never felt so proud, everyday since has been amazing even the really tired crappy ones!

I had the same negativity before having my son. Lots of talk about my life being over and me never sleeping and the horrors of this and that.

In reality it has been hard and the sleep deprivation is like nothing I have experienced before (and I used to work in a job with long long long hours) BUT despite this it is an absolute joy - just watching my boy grow and learn new things and smile and all of the other tiny details makes any of the bad times insignificant.

On the whole motherhood is rock hard but is ace!