How to handle DH's concerns about weight gain (mine)?

[Terramirabilis]

I'm currently eight weeks pregnant and just starting to get a little tummy. Not enough for anyone else to notice but my DH and I can see it. Now, he isn't completely irrational. He knows I'm going to get a lot bigger than my current size 10. But he is genuinely worried about me gaining a lot of weight and not losing it afterwards. As a result, he's policing what I eat which makes me want to hide it from him when I eat something unhealthy. For example, on Sunday I went out for a walk on my own and had an ice cream while I was out but purposely didn't mention it when I got back. I shouldn't have to do that.

The backstory is that when my DH was growing up, his DM spent years battling her weight unsuccessfully. She had a massively unhealthy relationship to food, ate a bad diet and hid food around the house to kid herself and my DH that she wasn't eating all that crap. I don't eat like that but I do like some treats. Seeing this has definitely affected how my DH views women and food because he's seen someone destroying their health year after year. Thankfully, she has been able to get things under control, lose weight and now eats very well.

In addition, my DH has stomach problems that mean he needs to eat a controlled diet to prevent flare-ups. So he eats very strictly because for him the alternative is to eat one or two treats and then feel horrible the next day. Most of the time, that isn't worth it. I think his own problems with food contribute to his diet control issues.

I've tried to explain to my DH that weight gain in pregnancy isn't entirely controllable, some people just seem to put on a lot and that doesn't mean they can't lose it afterwards. I haven't had MS but I am tired and hungrier than usual. So I am eating a bit more although weight gain is minimal at this time. However soon it will start accelerating and I don't want to be made to feel miserable about my body when I'll probably be insecure enough as it is without his "help"!

Does anyone have any tips on how to talk to him about this?

Pregnancy and breastfeeding both mess around with your appetite, and you really need to be listening to your body, not being policed about what you eat. Actually, I found breastfeeding harder because I was so hungry, but mentally 'eating normally', and being caught out a few times with not having eaten enough.

I think a firm reminder that they are his issues and, while you understand where they come from, he needs to step back and let you get on with it.

Seriously? He sounds borderline abusive if he is policing what you eat. No one has the right to control what another adult eats. Tell him you're a grown adult and will eat what you want. If he makes you feel miserable about your pregnant body then he's a nasty man.

They are his issues and his special dietary requirements. You shouldn't be dissapearing off to eat an ice cream incase he has an opinion on it. You are lucky to have not yet had any ms which can have a huge affect on what you can eat.
Take care

I think you should tell him that you are an adult, and you can and should make your own decisions about what you eat. You don't make him answer to you for what he chooses to eat, so it shouldn't work the other way around. 'Liking some treats' is a world away from the behaviour you describe in your MIL and he should be able to recognise that.

You should also ask him why he thinks pregnancy will suddenly set you off into lifelong bad eating habits. I'd also echo *funnyvalentine's point - if you do end up breastfeeding you may need to eat a lot to keep up. When I was bfing I shed weight easily despite eating like a horse the entire time (oh, the days!) So he needs to stand back and let you make those judgements. You could point out that you give him credit for being the best person to manage his own stomach/diet (I assume you do...) so why shouldn't he do the same for you? Unless of course he has some underlying assumption, based on the experience with his mother, that all women are unable to control their relationship with food.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Your body is going to go through many changes over the next months. Ofcourse, it is best for you to eat a healthy diet, but surely your eating choices are yours alone?

Your dh needs to get a grip over his own eating issues and not police your eating habits in any way.

Surely your dh is able to work out that just because one woman (his dm) behaves in a certain way, doesn't mean all women will behave in the same way?
Sounds a bit dodgy to me, hopefully not the start of other controlling behaviour towards you. The problem is entirely his, and if he uses his common sense he'll be able to see that and wind his neck in. That's if he wants to of course...

I wouldn't discuss it with him if he is being like this as it really isn't fair on you. Ask him along to your next prenatal appointment and you can both discuss his concerns with your gp/midwife.

Oh blimey please educate him. When I was pregnant the first time I had horrendous morning sickness. I would literally stand infront of the cupboard and go through everything in it, and everything would make me retch and then something would jump out at me so I'd eat it quick. Sometimes that something was a bag of chocolate, once I remember eating a whole packet of ham etc. You HAVE to listen to your body and be in tune with it. Later on I'd be starving for way more than I used to eat and more sugar etc, but if I didn't eat those things I felt dizzy and lightheaded.

I gained 1.5stone with both pregnancies but lost it afterwards. I would have felt wretched having my food intake policied.

Tell him to fuck off, honestly do it. You will have cravings soon and you will find it impossible to ignore them. Can you imagine how hellish it will be if he walks in and kicks off because you're sat there eating a huge cake straight out the box? He needs to be indulging you while you are growing his child, not being a twat. Weight gain is normal, your body needs extra of everything as your stores of fat, iron, vital vitamins and minerals get depleted. Your iron levels are tested but the others aren't. You can't know if cravings you have are your body's way of trying to replenish stores of certain vitamins etc that have been depleted.

Don't start hiding food, don't let him controlling. Unleash your pregnancy wrath and stand your ground. You need to do this for that baby as much as for yourself.

Also be warned if he doesn't change his attitude now, this issue is likely to become unbearable for you. In my experience hunger sets in more from 2nd trimester and women do tend to struggle to stay under the 'recommended' weight gain limits.

Hey i was a size 8 before pregnancy

At 12 weeks weighed 61

At 30 weeks i was 66 kg

So shocked thought I'd of put a lot more on.

You might think your gunna put loads on n not.

And if you do it's tough titties for him (don't mean to sound nasty) just don't obsess over knowing how much ur putting on.

And you will lose weight when baby comes. Just be happy and the rest will follow. Xxxxx

My DH has put weight on with me haha! I encourage him to eat chocolate with me.

And iv told everyone I'll lose the baby weight when I'm ready. Not gunna be one of these gym as soon as it's out mums!

I want chocolates and sweets waiting for me when I'm bringing baby home.

Deffo get him told! Xxxx

I hate to say it, but once tiredness and nausea set in you will eat anything that makes you feel better! Or at least food that does not make you feel worse. And that can be hard to find. You really need to deal with this issue before you get too hormonal and can't deal with him rationally. I personally would have a very strong conversation with him along the lines..... He has never been pregnant so can't understand how you feel, you are not his mother (so why should you have the same issues?) and that his job in all of this is to support you. Happy mummy means happy baby and finding comfort is sometimes one of the hardest parts of pregnancy. If you cannot find it in the ways you used to before getting pregnant (wine, cheese etc) then he needs to support whatever you decide. That's his only job pregnancy wise!

TBH I would get it if he was worried that the baby is not getting what it needs but a few treats?! No way. He has to support you. End of.

Good luck!

I think you need to have strong words with him. You are growing a baby and your body will tell you what you need. I have been ravenous for most of my pregnancy, I have put on 3 stone (baby due any day), which is more than I would have wanted but I love my pregnant shape and will deal with the weight later. I've eaten fairly healthily but haven't denied myself treats. In hindsight I could have done more exercise early on but was too tired at the time. It is your body, he does not know what it feels like to be pregnant, you shouldn't have to hide what you eat. Hope you find a way to make him understand how it is making you feel. Giving your body the fuel in needs to grow something amazing and healthy, is more important than his concern about you gaining a few extra pounds x

I agree with what others have said, you need to listen to your body and not your partner. You will need to eat a bit more when pregnant, what you want to eat will change, and when you want to eat.

Taking him to the midwife appointment and raising it there is a really sensible idea.

You might not put on that much weight either. At 36 weeks I've put on 5kg, used to be a size 12-14, I'm now fitting into size 8-10 pregnancy clothes.

This is the time in your life where you need to be in charge. Your body will tell you what you want or need, and it's up to you how you eat.

Does he understand how much weight is baby-based? Almost all of my weight gain was related to the baby; fluid, blood, baby, placenta etc, and a small amount of fat that your body stores in preparation for breastfeeding.
Everyone does pregnancy a little differently. I only just put on a stone and a bit; my friend put on nearly four and lost over half of that just by giving birth. You can't necessarily tell what weight gain in pregnancy 'means'.

Another reason to take control is if you plan to breastfeed. I can't really explain the hunger that comes with it. I thought that people talking about their love of cake during breast feeding was a bit of an excuse for lovely cake scoffing, but I became ravenous - I needed as many carbs, fat and sugar as I could get, and I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight by eight weeks.

I think educating him is exactly right. You're growing another human, and what you need is what you need. By all means, keep an eye in your weight gain - you don't need to pile it on, or eat a load of crap, but you do need to keep your energy levels up - and that will almost certainly involve eating more. Look after yourself, and make sure that his issues about food don't become yours and your baby's.

You need a serious talk with him because the phrases:

"he's not completely irrational" and "he polices what I eat" are incompatible and a big of a red flag imo.

Some women double their weight in pregnancy, some put on just a few pounds.

Oh dear, what a difficult situation. As everyone els has said, he needs to back off and just let your appetite do as it wishes. In my 1st Trimester I didn't put any weight on, possibly down to sickness, but I'm making up for it now. I was size 8-10 prior to pregnancy and now at 28 weeks I have already put on over a stone and a half. My extra weight is all bump and boobs and your DH needs to understand that weight gain in pregnancy isn't linked to eating. It is down to your blood volume doubling, your breasts growing, the baby itself, extra fluid and the very heavy weight of your placenta. As has been suggested I would take him with you when you see your midwife next and ask her to explain everything to him - it's really important he doesn't cause you any anxiety during your pregnancy and you being on edge about food intake and weight gain is not a good starting point x

I also agree with everyone else that you need to talk to him about this, and soon, before you start getting any weird cravings and worrying he'll kick off if he catches you eating a whole tub of Greek yoghurt.

But I'd also be worried about how his issues with food will impact on your children. I know it feels a lifetime away, but befor wyou know it you'll have a weaning baby who will need a lot of calories from their food. Under 2's are recommended to only have full-fat milk, cheese etc as they need the calories in their food - will he be policing what their eating? What if you have a child who's very hungry and eats a lot? Will he allow your child to have seconds and thirds of their meal because they're hungry and need it?

You need to talk to him and help him realise that these are his/his mother's issues but that you will be making your own food choices and he needs to accept that and support you.

It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation though and I really feel for you.

Your body your say! I really hate hearing story's like this. It happened it my poor friend and when her baby was only a few months he told her it was about time she got it the gym, she was about a size 12/14!
If you do end up putting a fair bit of weight on don't beat yourself up, I'm sure you will lose it in time, if you feel the need to! As long as your heathly and eat well then don't worry. There are more important things to worry about in pregnancy!
Good luck x

Like everyone is saying, you need to have a serious chat. I only put on baby weight and actually weighed 9kg less than pre pregnancy the day after I gave birth. Everyone's different. I'm breastfeeding and could eat a whole pack of chocolate digestives but I am still the same weight as after I gave birth 9 months on, despite stuffing my face to calm the ravenous hunger you feel!

Put your foot down now and tell him to keep his nose out of your diet.

I agree with everyone else who has said that you need to sit him down and talk to him properly about this.

I don't agree with those who say that he should just keep his nose out and that he's abusive though. You've clearly outlined why he has issues with food (I'm talking about his Mum though, not his personal stomach problems) and THAT is what HE needs to address because this is what the problem is. To just ignore it won't work. Would you ignore someone's issues with alcohol if they had been raised by alcoholic parents? No, you wouldn't (that's not aimed at you OP, but at some of the previous posts). What we grow up and live with has massive impacts on us and some are so deeply ingrained into us that only Counselling will help. He clearly loves you and is terrified because of what his Mum went through.

My DH was large as a child and is really paranoid about weight. Luckily he keeps his mouth shut about mine, unless I tell him that I want to eat healthily and then he advises me on the best way. But it doesn't sound like his issues are as emotionally difficult as your DHs are.

Please talk to him and ask him to seek help. In the meantime, explain to him that you NEED to eat certain things. If he's really concerned get your MW to speak to him. It's something you should raise with her if you're concerned. She may be able to reassure him.

Good luck with your PG!!

Do men like this really exist? Regardless of whether you're pregnant or not he shouldn't be trying to control you like this. What if your child is a daughter? Will he try to police what she eats and give her body image issues too?