How to handle DH's concerns about weight gain (mine)?

[Terramirabilis]

I'm currently eight weeks pregnant and just starting to get a little tummy. Not enough for anyone else to notice but my DH and I can see it. Now, he isn't completely irrational. He knows I'm going to get a lot bigger than my current size 10. But he is genuinely worried about me gaining a lot of weight and not losing it afterwards. As a result, he's policing what I eat which makes me want to hide it from him when I eat something unhealthy. For example, on Sunday I went out for a walk on my own and had an ice cream while I was out but purposely didn't mention it when I got back. I shouldn't have to do that.

The backstory is that when my DH was growing up, his DM spent years battling her weight unsuccessfully. She had a massively unhealthy relationship to food, ate a bad diet and hid food around the house to kid herself and my DH that she wasn't eating all that crap. I don't eat like that but I do like some treats. Seeing this has definitely affected how my DH views women and food because he's seen someone destroying their health year after year. Thankfully, she has been able to get things under control, lose weight and now eats very well.

In addition, my DH has stomach problems that mean he needs to eat a controlled diet to prevent flare-ups. So he eats very strictly because for him the alternative is to eat one or two treats and then feel horrible the next day. Most of the time, that isn't worth it. I think his own problems with food contribute to his diet control issues.

I've tried to explain to my DH that weight gain in pregnancy isn't entirely controllable, some people just seem to put on a lot and that doesn't mean they can't lose it afterwards. I haven't had MS but I am tired and hungrier than usual. So I am eating a bit more although weight gain is minimal at this time. However soon it will start accelerating and I don't want to be made to feel miserable about my body when I'll probably be insecure enough as it is without his "help"!

Does anyone have any tips on how to talk to him about this?

I'm so glad BakeOff mentioned the potential affect this could have on your child too, that was my first thought.

OP this is quite worrying and needs to be addressed. He clearly has food issues but this is not the time to be transferring his behaviours onto you and it's not something you'd want for your baby in the future. New Dads get stressed about it all too and IME this can intensify these controlling/ repetitive behaviours (my DH is driving me mad lining things up and making us late with unnecessary tidying!).

I would consider getting him to talk to your midwife or a professional who can either explain how important a balanced diet (including some fat and sugar) is for you and the baby; or maybe even get him some help to address his own issues.

Congratulations on your pregnancy & enjoy your occasional ice cream

You absolutely need to take a hard line with him and tell him this is not acceptable. Don't hide what you eat, it's none of his business. You need to break him of this controlling habit. Regardless of the cause, it is controlling.

You will be incredibly hungry in the early months, and my advice is to go with it, as by the end you will have a big baby sitting on your stomach and won't be able to eat much at all. I had acid reflux so if I ate anything after about 5pm I was sick at night. Ignore him. I wouldn't discuss it with him, he obviously has food issues. As suggested above ask him to come to your ante-natal appointments.

This might help:

www.calculator.net/pregnancy-weight-gain-calculator.html

He has big problems. He needs to address them.

You need to give yourself the freedom to respond to your body and enjoy your pregnancy. Be firm and get on with it.

Why would he think your relationship with food will change permanently because of a very specific temporary event? When you eventually go back to your normal, long-established, eating patterns your body will go back to its normal size.

This definitely needs tackling now. How would you feel about this attitude being passed on to your child, just as his own mother's issues have clearly been passed on to him? How would HE feel about that too?

Hopefully he'll realise that policing what people eat is not normal behaviour and will take steps to let go of this anxiety before your baby is born. If he's unwilling or unable to see what the problem is, then its probably too big an issue for the pair of you to resolve together, and you'll need specialist help. Speak to your GP or midwife and take it from there, they should be able to refer you to the right people. Good luck.

Hmmm size 10 and he's concerned I'm size 14 before preg now a 16 bigger things to worry about then putting a bit of weight on, it's normal to gain weight just don't go over board. I know what I would say to him

The thing is some women gain very little weight and some, like me, gain lots. Your dh needs to be encouraging not interfering. I am pregnant with dc 3, I average 5 stone in weight gain with each pregnancy, and it's not because I eat shit. At my 6 week postnatal check after my dd I had lost 4 stone, it does come off and that does not mean that you are then going to have a life long battle with food. Your dh has food issues, not you...

This is a man who has serious mental and emotional issues around food. He needs to get some help dealing with those issues. Both for the good of his relationship and for the benefit of his future children.

Regardless of his underlying personal problems and reasons for behaving this way, he also needs to realise that it's not ok and utterly unreasonable to police you.

I am sorry he has had such a tough time, it sounds like his childhood has really affected him, but this is something he has to sort (absolutely with you supporting him, as any loving partner does when their partner deals with something difficult), not something for you to try and 'fix' for him.

Tell him that from now on you will be eating as and when YOU see fit and he is not to be doing any more fucking policing.

If he can't deal with that then he needs to get some therapy to deal with HIS issues rather than put them upon you.

I'm sorry but this is a massive red flag really. Pregnancy is a common time for spousal abuse to start and I think you need to nip any controlling behaviour in the bud right away.

I agree with dreamingbohemian - in fact you shouldn't even have to explain to him that being pregnant means you'll gain weight. He shouldn't be commenting on your weight full-stop!

I think he needs to get some counselling and sort it out.

so he is trying to control you so that you dont gain what he considers to be too much weight. How much is that? And should his concern not be ensuring his baby has adequate nutrician?
and if you put on weight - so what? Is his love conditional on you looking a certain way?
what if you become ill?
have an accident?
age?

he needs to sort it out. If he sees a woman with a baby inside her and thinks that woman is fat, hes got a screw loose. Fat is fat cells. Not a person growing in your uterus.

he needs to stkp policing what you eat. Whats he going to escalate to? Knocking a biscuit out of your hand because you only had one 8 weeks ago?

He needs to speak to his GP to ask for counselling about this as it is having a detrimental impact on his relationship with you and bordering on abuse.

You need to let your midwife know what is happening.

How to handle it? Tell him to fuck the fuck off and police his OWN food intake not that of a woman trying to grow a baby.

Sorry but your OP gave me that absolute rage, how dare he?!

Something else I have just remembered is weeks 8-12 I was huge, due to bloat. I actually got smaller before I got larger, so please don't stress if you feel you have a 'tummy', at this stage it is 90% wind

Might I recommend a foot/testicle interface?

Agree with sparkly - you need to sort this out now or your 'D' H will be commenting on your weight for the rest of your marriage which hopefully won't be much longer.

How dare he make any sort of comment about your weight when you are having a baby together - or at any other time.

If my DH commented on my weight (and I am good few stone overweight ) I would happily show him the door; just like I would never comment on his physical appearance or baldness.

I would suggest that you ask your DH to get counselling for his issues. His attitude is very likely to increase the risk of any DC you may have having an unhealthy attitude to food.

I am pregnant at the moment and if my DH made any comments like that I would probably spend the rest of my pregnancy eating constantly just to spite him.

Hello and congratulations. Sorry your DH is being so unreasonable. You need to be firm and tell him to back off.

I had dreams of doing pregnancy yoga and eating healthy organic home made gluten free meals. In the end I had terrible hypermesis and I went one week where all I could eat was McDonald's as it was the only thing that would stay down, and another week eating KFC as that was all I could face. I threw out carrots, broccoli and fruit which still make me feel nauseous thinking about it. Happily not eating the KFC and McDonald's any more at 18+4 but crisps are still a must (although it was a bit fun at the time to have the liberty to eat so badly!).

Your body is going through massive change which he cannot ever understand. You have to think about what is best for your growing baby and what you need to eat to get yourself through the next nine months. If you want a quarter pounder and a milkshake have it. If you want a salad, fine. But eat what your body is asking for, not what someone else thinks you should.

Your DH is going to have to be prepared for some strange eating habits from you over the next nine months and quite frankly what he wants very much takes second place.

I am currently 18 weeks and at the start struggled with nausea a lot because I couldn't eat the main meal amounts like I was used to but was not in the habit of snacking. That all had to change as your body tells you what it needs.
I would be worried that the one thing he is trying to avoid is actually what he is causing, as you feel that you have to hie what you are eating from him, isn't that what his mum did before?
Weight gain and weight loss is different for everyone. Obviously if you go crazy and eat all unhealthy things all the time you are more likely to put on unnecessary extra weight, but that would also be unhealthy for your baby so you wouldn't do that. But equally if you don't eat enough that is also dangerous for baby.

He needs to trust you to be the person who knows what is best for you and your baby when it comes to eating. My other half always tells me that my number 1 job just now is to look after myself and our baby, not worry about everything else.
Your OH should be supportive whatever your needs are during pregnancy, exactly the same as you are supportive of his needs to do with eating for his health normally.

Hope you guys can talk about it and sort stuff out so you don't feel you need to sneak a nice cream at the park.

Um tell him to fuck off? Do you need internet strangers to tell you that?

When I fell pregnant with dd I was 7 1/2 stone and a small size 8. During my pregnancy I gained 4 stone! not that I cared. After I had my dd I seemed to lose a lot of weight without really trying. Breastfeeding helps but even if u don't, I naturally lost my appetite. Within the first month I had lost nearly 2 stone and by the time my dd was 6 months I was virtually back to my pre birth weight. This time around I am 12 weeks and am 11 stone, but really don't care. Please don't worry about ur weight, just enjoy eating and sit down and talk to him and explain that you never had a problem with food before and if ur hungry then u will eat what u want. Although its understable why he feels the way he does he has no right to pass his baggage on to you, and u don't want him to pass them on to your child as they are growing up. U need to nip this in the bud now fingers crossed he understands :) xx

Oh dear what is he going to do at 36 weeks when you get so hungry it wakes you up in the middle of the night and you have to go downstairs for a bowl of cornflakes!!!

(that's what happened to me).

I found if I was hungry during pregnancy and did not eat, I got lightheaded. I gained a lot of weight but with ds1 it came off reasonably easily after he was born.

He also needs to watch that he does not give the child food issues when it is growing up. Nip it in the bud now. If necessary get some counselling for it.