your views on bump grabbing, groping, and stroking

[AnnaBanana25]

So, I have only had a few incidents of bump touching so far, which I have found odd as I'm 14 weeks today and don't have a proper visible bump yet.

Today's grab probed me to ask your views... Do you mind? Do you like it, put up with it, or have you purchased a t shirt that says "touch my bump and die"?

I'm in two minds at the minute, mainly finding it odd as I don't even have a big bump. An acquaintance today started probing my tummy asking "so where is it?! WHERE IS IT?!".... Ummmm... Weird.

So, views please, go!

[StillPukin]

Ooh littlePeaPod I just read the first page of your post, you didnt seem to get an awful lot of support there. I can really understand how you feel/felt, you can only smile politely for so long until somebody pushes your button one too many times. She certainly wont do it again, but you will feel very awkward the next time you go in.

I seem to spend all my time pulling my extra baggy cardigan across my huge belly and dodging space invaders. Oh how I wish I could just crawl into a hole until my little one arrives.

[natwebb79]

It really doesn't bother me. I have had both people I know well and strangers in queues etc. touch my bump before but always in a lovely 'celebrate the fact you've got a lovely baby in there way'. I really don't get the anger to be honest.

[AnnaBanana25]

littlepeapod The comments I don't understand are those saying "you let her do it before so why now?" ... I can see why, because for me the bump rubbing has only just started and I have felt too weird to say anything. I think for me, it would take someone tipping me over the edge to her brave enough to say, "lay off!".

I am a keep the peace type of person, so would just hope people would get the hint or understand not to touch... I am getting the feeling I'll have so much more to come when I have a fully visible bump... Sigh!

[moominleigh94]

littlepeapod You were NOT being unreasonable in anything you said! It had the desired effect, she won't do it again - I wouldn't apologise to her until she apologises to you for constantly invading your space when, as you say, you never did anything to suggest it was ok and even gave her looks to suggest it wasn't right.

If someone would let me touch their boobs without asking, whenever I want, they can do the same to my bump. It feels just as invasive in my experience and one shouldn't be seen as any more acceptable than the other. So far I've just pulled a face and moved away but if people keep insisting on touching it, someone is going to be told exactly how I feel about random bump touching.

Just because some people find it lovely, for others it feels like a real invasion of privacy. I feel very protective of my bump and my policy really is if I'd let you hold the baby in the week after it being born, I'll let you touch the bump, but otherwise no way hosepipe.

[Doctorbrownbear]

I hate it when pregnant women become precious about this. No pregnant woman is the first to ever become preggers and it is not an excuse to be rude to people uneccesarily. There has been ocasions when I have felt mildly uncomfortable about bump touching but I quickly got over it as people are just trying to be nice... why get so bent out of shape about it.

[moominleigh94]

Doctorbrownbear Because it's uncomfortable and why should we have to put up with it? Why does our body become anyone's to touch because we're pregnant?

[Cariad007]

Sorry, but being pregnant does not give people the right to just touch you when they want to. If anyone is being rude it's the people who think pregnant women's bodies are some sort of free to grab zone. It's not "being precious" - why should the fact that you are gestating make a difference to how you'd want to be treated with regards to respecting boundaries? Not to mention that some women may have a history of say, being assaulted, and grabbing their bumps without asking might trigger some very bad memories.

[LittlePeaPod]

Stillpukin, AnnaBanana, moomin thank you for your understanding.

I mentioned this on the other thread. For some reason some people believe that because a woman becomes pregnant they should all of a sudden accept other people (including strangers) intruding on their personal space. A woman's body bump and growing child does not become public property when they become pregnant. It doesn't matter whether the person touching is doing it to be friendly, showing interest or any other random excuse.

I do think people that go around touching or rubbing pregnant women need learn more self awareness, control and understand that its not on to touch someone without their consent regardless of whether or not their intentions are friendly.

Some people don't care about been touched, that's great. Some people are bothered but suck it up, that's their choice. Some of us don't like it at all and I don't see why we should just put up with unwanted attention from people. I also find it really strange that anyone (particularly strangers) would want to touch another strangers anatomy in the first place. That's just really really odd. But maybe that's just me.

So its not about been precious, its about other people respecting my body like I do theirs and understanding my body didn't become public property when I conceived. I wouldn't have liked anyone rubbing my tummy when I wasn't pregnant and that has not changed since becoming pregnant.

[BlessedAssurance]

I hate it when strangers rub my tummy. People at work started rubbing my tummy as early as 12weeks when i was not even showing. I felt if i said i did not like it then would be deemed rude. I was 20 weeks gone when a new male temp siddled closer to me then rubbed my back the way i would only want my DH to,then proceeded to stroke my bump. I was so furious that i lost it and told him to stop. He looked hurt and wanted to know why he could not stroke me, eerr. I however made it known that day that bump stroking was unacceptable.
I work at an old people's home and love it when the oldies put their frail hands on it. I feel blessed somehow when they do and the genuine joy on their faces makes it worthwhile.

[Ilovekittyelise]

iv just realised how relieved i am that mil hasnt visited in later stages of pregnancy (they are transatlantic); i spent most of her last visit ducking awkwardly when she tried to touch my arm constantly. i think theres two issues really; one the usual personal space/touching thing but also that whole "your pregnant so normal rules dont apply i can touch and comment" thing. oh i suppose theres also that bloody mother in law thing ie everything she does is vile.

[Vakant]

A friend of my husband kissed my bump. Totally weird. Then several weeks later we bumped into him again and he asked if he could touch it, I said I'd rather you didn't, and he said well I'm going to anyway and left his hand there for AGES. I was so shocked I didn't say anything. Bloody weirdo.

[LittlePeaPod]

Vakant. WTF, FFS what's wrong with these people?

[Cariad007]

Yep, it's like manners go out the window the moment a woman announces her pregnancy. If it isn't bump grabbing it's the "OMG you're getting so BIG" comments that people seem to think we want to hear!

[Writerwannabe83]

As well as liking having my bump touched I also like being told how big I'm getting Both things just make me think of how well baby is growing and how excited everyone is! I'm clearly in the minority group

[AnnaBanana25]

littlepeapod I think this goes into consent issues, and actually could be looked into in terms of gender inequalities. Men don't get grabbed intrusivly like this, do they? I can't think of a parallel.

doctor brown bear your comment implies that pregnant women should put up and shut up? I appreciate it may be extreme but sounds similar to saying "if you wear that slutty outfit, you should expect to be touched"... Just because we are pregnant, does it mean we should be quiet and happy people are showing attention? It may come from a good place, but there are some experiences on here where people have clearly been inappropriate.

I think ultimately every human regardless of circumstance, should be able to give consent on whether or not someone touches them.

[RedToothBrush]

Yes quite Anna. And just because you consent to something once DOES NOT mean you have consented to it every time.

[LightTripper]

I don't like it. Only just experienced it at 23 weeks.

Once was a slightly pissed uncle in law, who is a bit touchy freely (which I don't love anyway, particularly as Ive only met him a few times ... But he does it to everybody and I'm sure has no sinister motives). Luckily his daughter was horrified and gave him a hard time, so it was easy to confirm I didn't like it without making a big scene! The other case I didn't mind so much as it was a friend of my Mum who I have known since I was a little kid, so it felt more like family (even though my actual family haven't touched at all, just give me normal hugs like a normal person!). I'd stil prefer she didn't, but I didn't say anything.

If an actual stranger did it I would want to go ballistic, but suspect in reality I would be too shocked to say much!

14 weeks seems really weird. At that stage I think my bump just felt like a tummy, which definitely would have made it even odder!

[LightTripper]

LPP just read your other thread! People are harsh. I totally understand being too shocked to say something the first few times and then only managing to get the words out when you'd got to a properly upset stage. In an ideal world better not to shout when she pushed you too far, if it had been me I would have felt a bit bad. But I don't think it's surprising or unreasonable, and hopefully next time she'll think twice before touching strangers more generally, which would be a WIN!

[Doctorbrownbear]

Argh just posted and lost my message. Can't be bothered to write again but basically. Bump touching for me is nowhere near as bad as verbally assaulting someone for trying to be kind. What I do not get is why anyone needs to be rude and cannot politley say pls do not touch. I do not agree with the need to verbally abuse a shop assistant and feel that bump touching is done by people trying to be nice. Lets not try to make it out to be a crime or compare it to sexual assault, that is a bit far fetched. ..

[RedToothBrush]

If you don't consent, it IS a crime though! Because you have a RIGHT not to be touched!!!!

It might seem minor and it might be minor to some people. But to others it really really bothers them. It does not matter that its not as serious as other things. Its still not right. Do not try and minimise how it makes others feel.

[LittlePeaPod]

Doctor IMHO its not as far fetched as accusing someone of having an eating disorder from reading one post. But, hey some people still do!

To update everyone. I have just been into said shop where I snapped. The woman that has been behaving like a "space invader" was working and approached me. She apologised for touching my bump without asking permission. She also said she was really surprised and embarrassed when she realised what she had done because she "hated it" (her words not mine) when people touched her bumps when she was pregnant. I explained that I didn't mean to embarrass her in front of other shoppers and I just don feel comfortable with people touching my bump. She said that totally understood why I reacted like I did and didnt blame me. Apparently some of her colleagues that knew about what happened also agreed she should not have done it.

So alls well that ends well.

[RedToothBrush]

Good for you LittlePeaPod.

Tbh, I think pointing out that you have a right not to be touched and that technically if you didn't consent to it, that it could be considered a criminal act, is more about letting women feel confident enough to assert themselves and be reassured that they are doing so because they are perfectly entitled to and don't have to 'put up and shut up to avoid offending others' rather than encouraging anyone to take legal action.

Just because something is well intentioned, does not make it right. You can challenge even well intentioned behaviour and this does not make you rude.

[StillPukin]

LittlePeaPod aw glad to hear the air has been cleared - how brave of the lady to approach you to speak to you like she did, I think I would've spent the rest of my life cringing lol

[LittlePeaPod]

Redtooth thank you and I also agree with your post.

StillPukin complete respect to the lady for doing it.

[Doctorbrownbear]

Oh give over red tooth! To say it is a crime is exactly what I am disputing. I just think that people grossly exagerate. To compare this with real crimes that involve uninvited touching is frankly insulting to victims of REAL crime. In all reality we are talking about somebody momentarily touching you, my point is you can easily politley say no thanks or just let it go. I suppose my problem is not so much how someone views this subject or feels about it but how they react. Some of the responses talk of peoples rights.... that is good but to exercise your rights you do not hqve to be aggressive or rude.