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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How do you handle a partner who wants an abortion?

38 replies

JasMumOfFour · 04/12/2013 08:46

This will be our 5th baby. He is being so matter of fact and determined that we should not have another baby. He will not listen to how upset I am at the thought of a termination and he is calling me constantly, kept me up very late last night, listened to me cry my heart out with no effect to his attitude. No sympathy. As much as I did not want another baby, I know I will love them very much. I don't feel able to have an abortion. The thought fills me with horror and dread. He is a good father, we have a good relationship Am I letting him down?

OP posts:

bundaberg · 04/12/2013 08:55

tricky situation. he's as entitled to his opinion as much as you are yours. if you do want to keep the baby you may have to accept that your relationship ends.
you definitely shouldn't terminate just because you feel you're letting him down, likewise, you can't expect him to play happy families if this is something that he really, really doesn't want.

I hope you can talk some more and reach a conclusion :( I really feel for you

expatinscotland · 04/12/2013 09:01

Five kids? If he were that dead set against having baby, he should have had a vasectomy and then used a condom every time. He is calling you? He doesn't live with you? Turn the phone off or block him. A good father doesn't bully his partner.

Mama1980 · 04/12/2013 09:03

Hi my situation was different my then partner wanted me to terminate as my life was at risk with little chance of baby surviving. I am totally pro choice but for me personally there was no choice, ultimately I couldn't do it. I would never have been able to live with that. My partner left and hasn't seen my son. (Who after a rough time is perfectly healthy)
What are his reasons? I think you do have to listen to him, as you are doing but ultimately it's your body and only you know what you can live with.

Original poster

JasMumOfFour · 04/12/2013 09:04

He is calling me from work :o/ I dread the phone ringing

OP posts:

Original poster

JasMumOfFour · 04/12/2013 09:05

Glad you had a good outcome for you and baby Mama, sorry to hear he doesn't have any involvement :o(

OP posts:

Original poster

JasMumOfFour · 04/12/2013 09:05

I meant :(

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 04/12/2013 09:06

If he's so adamant he wants no more children he should take steps to ensure he never impregnates another woman again. What's he doing about it?

I think as you're the one carrying the baby, you should do what's most acceptable for you. It's going to take a toll on your physical and mental wellbeing.

Either way you might want to consider your relationship ending if it's a deal breaker for both of you.

KatieBurningham · 04/12/2013 09:06

Can I ask something personal and ask how you became pregnant? Ie was you not on the pull / using condoms etc.
IMO falling pregnant is a 2 person thing, so if I fell pregnant and my DH decided that he didn't want it, I'd be annoyed, because there's steps to take if he adamantly didn't want more children, rather than putting me under the pressure and stress of having these conversations and potentially going through with a termination.
But I obviously don't know how you fell pregnant so this may be irrelevant.
Will be thinking of you x

expatinscotland · 04/12/2013 09:09

Contraception fails. That's why those who are finished reproducing get sterilised and use another form f contraception or double up contraception.

Original poster

JasMumOfFour · 04/12/2013 09:16

I was on the pill, Loestrin 20... this is the third time I have become pregnant on the pill, my 4th was a condom, I coughed at a really bad time and it was left behind... I suffer from reflux and IBS, usually the IBS is in the morning though so, I thought I would be safe taking the pill before bedtime... He thinks I am doing it on purpose... which, is just silly. We had sex once in the last month. It wasn't like I was jumping him every night. I don't know why I have been so unlucky with it. I asked him to have a vasectomy after our third and after our fourth, he said he couldn't go through with it.. I was also turned down to have my tubes tied permanently, saying there wasn't the budget for it. If he couldn't even have a simple vasectomy, how can he expect me to do something so much worse?

OP posts:

Abrahamlincolnsghost · 04/12/2013 09:18

You need to get counselling. He is at this stage emotionally abusing and bullying you.

Contact Womens Aid or similar for advice.

You need time away from him to get your head straight. Many of the prolife charities would help you both emotionally and practically.

bundaberg · 04/12/2013 09:27

hang on... you were relying on contraception that you have got pregnant on TWICE before?

i'm sorry, but if you really had wanted to get sterilised they can't really turn round and say "no, there is no budget for it"

that isn't to say that I don't think your husband should have a vasectomy, esp if he is so adamant about not wanting children.

i also don't think he is being emotionally abusive. he just doesn't want another child and he is allowed to not want one, and he is allowed to say why.

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 04/12/2013 09:31

IMO having seen something similar with a friend, not suggesting this is what is going on here but I think you need to question why he doesn't want another child (with you) yet has done nothing to stop another pregnancy. Friend went ahead with the pregnancy only to find out later dh was having an affair prior to the pregnancy and was planning on leaving. He didn't want to have to pay out for another child for the next 18 years.

tombakerscarf · 04/12/2013 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JasMumOfFour · 04/12/2013 09:33

It was a different pill each time, on recommendation from the Doctor, and I switched from mornings to bedtime taking it, my IBS has been a lot better as I have grown older and, I have been much more thorough about taking it at the exact same time... I knew I had missed a pill with my second but, we were younger and stupider and thought it would be ok. My first was planned. I know I am stupid for relying on something that has let me down in the past, I know I am.

OP posts:

bundaberg · 04/12/2013 09:37

had you discussed having any more children after your 4th? I think if you had and if he had made it very clear he wanted no more then you were both equally responsible for contraception tbh. I know you can't change the past, but it might have been sensible to use condoms as well as the pill given your history :(

How many weeks are you? when did you find out? Maybe he needs a little more time to get his head around it?

expatinscotland · 04/12/2013 09:37

Yes, they can and do turn people down for tubal ligations.

Ringing someone all night is bullying behaviour.

bundaberg · 04/12/2013 09:39

he hasn't been ringing her all night! where does she say that?

she said he is calling her from work

and that he kept her up late last night... presumably because he wanted to talk about this! i'm sure she could have said no

can we stop assuming all women are pathetic and unable to say "no, i'm going to sleep" or not answer the phone

fuzzywuzzy · 04/12/2013 09:44

They do turn women down for sterilisation for financial reasons, my sister only finally got hers done as having her final baby nearly killed her and the doctors agreed they'd do it when they did her CS.

The partner who is most adamant he does not want anymore children should go ahead and take charge of his fertility and ensure it never happens again, not dictate to his partner and then harangue her when contraception fails.

OP sounds like she was unlucky twice over, the pill does not appear to work for her terribly well in any form and her partners a bullying arsehole.

I think the poster who suggested counselling is right.

bundaberg · 04/12/2013 09:48

that's terrible that they turn women down for sterilisation :(

and yes, i def agree with counselling suggestion.

MummyPigsFatTummy · 04/12/2013 10:02

bundaberg - it is very difficult to sleep if someone keeps talking to you (or shouting at you) regardless how often you tell them you want to sleep. It is not necessarily pathetic.

OP, your DH is certainly entitled to his opinion and if it doesn't change then you may have to accept the end of your relationship. But you should definitely not have an abortion unless that is what you want yourself, and you certainly don't seem to from your OP. As you say yourself, your DH couldn't bring himself to go through a simple vasectomy to stop this happening. He is being unreasonable to now expect you to go through something with potentially far greater consequences for you if it is something you will subsequently regret.

It is a horrible situation but whatever you decide, it must be YOUR decision and what you want to do, not what he wants. He must then make up his mind what he wants to do.

VisualiseAHorse · 04/12/2013 11:55

If you do keep the baby, your relationship with him may end. You have to keep this in mind.

A close friend got pregnant with her 7th baby, DH was adamant she had an abortion. She didn't. He ignored the pregnancy, refused to talk about it, although he was there for the birth. He loves his 7th child dearly now, and although they stayed together for a while after, they are in the process of divorcing now. I think that this last pregnancy really pushed them to breaking point. You have to consider what this pregnancy could ultimately do to your relationship, even if you do manage to stay together, it could drive an unbreakable edge between you.

I honestly believe that if he didn't want any more children, he should have had a vasectomy. No contraception is 100% reliable anyway, and with your history of pill failures, he really should have just gone and got it done.

Original poster

JasMumOfFour · 04/12/2013 12:33

He has agreed to back off for a few days, He says he doesn't want me to have to go through that, he just doesn't want another child. I understand how he feels but, I don't feel like he understands me. I don't think he would leave us, I really don't.

OP posts:

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 04/12/2013 12:52

Ive been in this situation. DD2, due may has Down's. DP was very understandably upset and wanted to terminate. Im very pro choice, generally, but my choice is that I couldn't do it. I was 16 weeks + when we found out, and there is no way on Gods earth that I could put my name to that consent form, and at the end of the day, regardless of the months of planning that went into conceiving her, I am the one who has to do that.
As I told DP, its a lose lose situation. Either I don't and he never forgives me, or I do and I never forgive myself.
Harsh as it sounds, he had the choice, stay or go.
Thankfully, once the initial shock wore off, he's been an absolute brick and we are facing the future together with optimism.
I don't think there is any right or wrong, everyone and every relationship is different, but your DH is very wrong to put so much pressure on you.
As others have said, he had options, a vasectomy would have solved the problem.
As sad and unfair as it is, this is now YOUR decision.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 04/12/2013 12:54

He says he doesn't want me to have to go through that, he just doesn't want another child
How compassionate, considering he put you in this situation.

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