How do you handle a partner who wants an abortion?

[JasMumOfFour]

This will be our 5th baby. He is being so matter of fact and determined that we should not have another baby. He will not listen to how upset I am at the thought of a termination and he is calling me constantly, kept me up very late last night, listened to me cry my heart out with no effect to his attitude. No sympathy. As much as I did not want another baby, I know I will love them very much. I don't feel able to have an abortion. The thought fills me with horror and dread. He is a good father, we have a good relationship Am I letting him down?

Back off 'for a few days'? And then what - start bullying you again?

You don't want to terminate. Therefore you can't. That's it.

His point of choice was where he could have had a vasectomy. And he chose not to... because he 'couldn't go through with it'!!

Um...

He is behaving in an utterly unacceptable way.

I have been leaving things out. I became pregnant between my first and my second, He left me and said he would not come back unless I had an abortion. So I did. It was 9 years ago now and, I have never gotten over it. I remember every second like it was yesterday. Which is why I feel like he is trying to manipulate me again. We actually went through all of this a further 3 times already. It is so confusing as our relationship is fine on every other level. I am not the same person I was back then and there is no way I would let him bully me into it. He seems to be quite genuine in what he is saying, and that he doesn't like the idea but, thinks it is for the best... I asked him to leave me alone for a few days thinking that maybe he would come round to the idea. I had a traumatic time with my first, and both myself and our baby nearly died with our 2nd, so I could understand why he didn't want me to have 3... and with number 4, he turned around quite quickly and said "oh well, I guess we are having another one then" He is very adamant again this time though.

Hmmm. I still think he is out of line. Sorry.
The fact that this started with your second PG and its still going on with number 6 just makes it worse. It's manipulation and blackmail, and as for not wanting to put you through an abortion, thats obviously a crock of shit!
I'm not a big LTB poster, but you don't need to put yourself through this again.
This is my 3rd PG, first planned, and DP has suggested terminating each time, but through shock, and worry and fear of the unknown. He's never threatened me and he's never left me and he has been nothing but supportive after that first initial panic. Your DP sounds like he is on a whole different level. It sounds to me like termination isn't the only decision you need to be making.

You handle it by leaving him, as it is the only thing you can do.
You shouldn't be put through manipulation such as this, when he helped create the child.

If you do stay with him, stick to what YOU want in regards to keeping your baby as you will regret it otherwise and he may leave you later down the line anyway (no loss there!) and he needs to have a vacectomy if he can not handle the fact there is always a possibility of pregnancy from having sexual intercourse.

Continually impregnating someone, continually bullying them into termination, not accepting responsibility for contraception isn't very nice behaviour.

Sorry but if he didn't want another baby that badly he should have taken as much responsibility as you for contraception, especially given your history of the pill not working. You could turn it round on him and tell him it's his fault for not being man enough to have the snip. A good partner should not be blaming you or bullying you. I'd sooner leave such a person than have a termination against my will.

I don't think that changes anything really. He still is trying to control you make you make the decision he wants. Those are not the actions of a supportive partner.
It takes 2 and I find the fact he feels so strongly but won't have a vasectomy despite the fact you tried to and could not have your tubes tied, completely unreasonable.

Fwiw I've never regretted my decision not for a second, we're far better off without a man who would threaten and beg me to do something I fundamentally did not want to do.

Thank you all so much for your comments... I was really struggling thinking I was being unfair on him, your words will hold me up.

He is now moping about and sitting in dark rooms staring into space :o/

Well, that was a turn about. He has moved to acceptance. He said he hates it all the time i am pregnant, he does nothing but stress and worry. He hates the birth as he does not trust the hospital to look after me. He is worried about money. He also said, he understands me and why I want to keep it. I think it is going to be ok... not plain sailing, but ok. I will do my best to reassure him and keep our relationship loving and happy.

That is good news! I do think maybe counselling would help him too.

It would be reasonable for anyone finding out they are pregnant unexpectedly to need some time to come to acceptance. It is just the pressure he was putting on you that was unreasonable.

Congratulations and all the best for the future.

thank you :)

Next stop... VASECTOMY! After that kind of behaviour my DP would be down the clinic faster than his feet could touch the ground!