Is it ever acceptable to say

[PollyParanoia]

I'm 20 weeks pg and a friend/"friend" has just said to me "you're so huge, everyone can't believe it's not twins. Are you sure you're not having twins?". To which, I could only say, well I've had three scans so yes I am pretty sure. When I suggested to her that it's really quite a rude thing to say, she was all shocked as she thought I'd be pleased (?!) She is about a month less pg than me and doesn't put on weight in pregnancy (in fairness because she's throwing up all the time), so maybe (benefit of the doubt being given here) in some strange way she's envious of my hideous bulk.
Am still fuming, evidently.
PP

No, no it's NEVER acceptable to say that to someone. That's pretty damn rude.

welcome to the strange case tha you bump belongs to everyone and it appears to allow cpmlete strangers to comment on youe shape

She is envious as you say but it is pretty crass. I had similar remarks with ds. The retort would be to point out that your baby is obviously healthy but best just to leave her looking out of turn and keep your dignity.

I really found the whole feel-free-to-comment aspect of pregnancy very difficult indeed. I really couldn't see that it was anyone else's business and as someone with a history of eating disorders I found a constant stream of comments on my body very hard to deal with.

What is it with people?!!

when people said this sort of thing to me i was more peed off that they thought I could be having twins despite scan showing 1 baby and thought they were trying to wind me up (really don't like beingw ound up!) than comments on my actual size...

But it's not exactly a sensitive thing to say is it!

i must admit, i'm on the other end of the scale with a small baby. when people ask when i'm due - 31/7 - they say "nooo, you're not, you're way too small" it's really starting to wind me up and the next person who says it will really get a mouthful as i'm sure i would know when my due date is and i'm already concerned enough that my baby is too small ! sorry - opposite rant to yours but i agree that you should stand up for how you're feeling - maybe people will then stop saying it !

As someone who lost weight in pg due to hyperemesis I think you might be spot on about her being envious in a way. She probably meant it as a (weird kind of!) compliment!
She is probably getting the opposite - everyone saying she doesn't look pg, or that they can't believe she's really got a baby in there. That's much worse, believe me, because it makes you feel like you ought to be worried.

In the end I used to just stand and wait for them to finish and not join in the "ooh yes, aren't I enormous" type conversation. It does throw them a bit (which is what I was aiming for).

I used to be pleased when people said I was huge. Had a dinky baby in teh end. Of course, other people will tell you look small as well.

Without being personal, are you larger generally? Why does it bother you?

there's also the whole "i'm pregnant so that gives complete strangers the right to touch me and stroke me" what is that about ?! on a rare night out with dh some drunken/drugged idiot was intent on prodding me in the stomach - WHY ??

I found the 'what a neat little bump' stuff I got just as offensive.
So,is there an untidy way to be pregnant then???????

Of course its OK, its just idle pregnancy chit chat. OK, so theres been many a thread on here about how fed up we get hearing the same old crap, but its hardly 'Oh my god, look at you, I bet youre going to look like the side of a house forever' offensive is it?

Didnt like the touching though.

I wouldn't say it to someone else because I'd be worried about putting my foot in it, eg if they were originally having twins but had miscarried one.

It didn't really bother me though when people said it to me during my pregnancies.

By the time I'm 6m I look like I'm ready to pop, so I got these sorts of comments all the time. TBH, it just seems part and parcel of the freedom people seem to feel to make personal comments when you're pregnant. If I were to get upset about it every time, I would waste such a lot of emotional energy, that I can't be bothered. Though I am sad that I never had twins. OTOH, I do make the 'tidy bump' type comments from time to time, and that's probably because I am a bit jealous (in a nice sort of way).

But I would never comment uninvited on what's inside the bump, because, as someone said, you can't be sure that the woman didn't lose a twin.

Hello, in answer to Tinker, I'm not actually large (a size 12, even a 10 at times), but I think like a lot of women, I've never been over-pleased with my figure. And generally the world is quite sensitive to that, but somehow it all goes out the window when you're pregnant doesn't it? The words "you're huge" suddenly become acceptable. And I think people somehow think that whether you have a neat bump or not is a matter of choice, whereas like everything to do with children (morning sickness, energy levels, birth iteself, breastfeeding etc), it's pretty much beyond your control. I put on loads of weight and all over while pg, just the way my body does it, I guess.
And I think I've made comments to others, despite this being my second pregnancy, along the lines of neat/splendid bump when it's all unnecessary.
Better go lie down to look after my litter...
PP

I'm quite a 'big' girl but have, with 15 weeks left, quite a large bump. I can understand all the people getting upset with the "you're so huge" comments, but I also get upset with the "you don't look pregnant" ones - so, what, I just look this fat all the time then?!?!?! DH does say that the clothes I wear hide it quite well from the front, but I also wonder what makes people think they can say anything other than "you look really well" (as I said to my 7 month pg friend yesterday, who is fed up with people saying "you can't have another 2 months to go, you're enormous"!!!)

I'm quite a 'big' girl but have, with 15 weeks left, quite a large bump. I can understand all the people getting upset with the "you're so huge" comments, but I also get upset with the "you don't look pregnant" ones - so, what, I just look this fat all the time then?!?!?! DH does say that the clothes I wear hide it quite well from the front, but I also wonder what makes people think they can say anything other than "you look really well" (as I said to my 7 month pg friend yesterday, who is fed up with people saying "you can't have another 2 months to go, you're enormous"!!!)

I was small with dd (5 lb) and now big with ds, so got both ends of the stick. I am petite so even a normal baby would look big on me. I am just so happy the midwives and doctors are no longer jumping on me for being small-for-dates.

People just feel the need to speculate on bumps and sizes because somehow preggos are presumed to put themselves out there for public comment, being so visible and all. Can't get excited.

Oh Polly, welcome to my world. I am now 21 weeks and everyday I am subject to the "I can't believe how big you are, we think you're having an elephant" type comments from my entire office. I am so cheesed off with it now, it stopped being funny very quickly and I am sick of saying "yes I am F*ing sure there is only 1 in there" I am actually getting really quite upset by it now. I realise I may be above average size but so has my entire family been when they have been pregnant. I was only a size 12 to start and haven't put on weight anywhere else.

People wouldn't comment if I WAS putting on weight, so why comment now? The odd comment I can understand, but all day, everyday is getting a bit wearing.

You have my deepest sympathy Polly and good luck for November!

I just had to add to this. My DD is 9 months old so I remember this well. I absoultely hated people commmenting on my bump. Just a one off would be fine but I found it was the accumulative effect of comments day in and day out that got to me. I happened to be pregnant at the sam time as someone else at work who was naturally much smaller than me. Despite being a month behind her I was bigger much quicker. No surprise there! I found losing the plot put a stop to it. Someone repeatedly called me fattie one day so I just went nuts saying something along the lines that he shouldnt call me anything he wouldnt be prepared to say if I wasnt pregnant blah blah. Very cathartic.

I also absolutley hated bump touchers. I even had people doing it when I had just announced I was pregnant at 12 weeks. Very weird.

I also used to wander why people stared at me when I was pregnant but now find myself doing it. I am normally either thinking " This time last year I was like that. Arrrrgggghhh". I realise people mean well and dont think that they are the ten millionth person to comment on your size/weight gain/ask what you are having/when you are due. But its very annoying espcially as there is a big dose of hormones involved. I now stop myself from asking all those questions even though I am dying to know. Its weird but people are fascinated by pregnancy. I actually feel quite protective of pregnant women and want to talk to them. I stop myself but its a very weird thing.

I'm a small woman and for both my pregnancies,I was huge! Everyone commented on my appearance from work colleagues to strangers on the street. I never minded if people asked me how I was or offered me a seat on the bus etc, but SO many people said 'oh you're so big, are you expecting twins? Every five *** minutes! I got so frustrated, one day when two girls walked past me in the street and said 'oh big baby!', I snapped and told them how would they like it if I made off the cuff comments about their appearnce and I told them to keep their opinions to themselves. I did have a 10lb boy though!

It's a real invasion of privacy when people suddenly think you are public property and treat you very differently. It was as if all around me somehow thought I didn't know I was pregnant; when I was out everyone gave me that stare of 'oh look she 's pregnant'! Yes, I do realise!!!!!!!!!!!!! It drove me mental!

Strangely enough, people staring at medidn't bother me at all with both my pregnancies. I felt special and especially with DS1 had the impression that I was entering some sort of club, the one of women with children. I still look at pregant women in the street just because I still think it's someting really special.
However, I would not dare making any comment about how big or small someone is. As a lot of you have said, there are SO many reasons why you can look small/big etc... and also SO many risk that, by commenting on it, you will offend that person.
When I was pg when DS1, I put a lot of weight on at the start of the pg, very little at the end. When I was about 25 weeks pg,I met another woman, also pg but much further than me. She didn't have any bump at all and was explaining me that she had been very sick and had to spend weeks at the hospital because she wouldn't keep anything in. She was worried that the baby would small. TBH, she probably made a comment that I was looking big but never took it personnaly because what she was actually saying was 'I wish I was like you. I am SO worried for my baby right now. I wish I wasn't so sick.' So really, depending who is making the comment, I wouldn't be offended by it.

I think it was well meant. I was quite proud of my massive bump (I got bigger with every pregnancy) and people used to ask if it was twins all the time. It didn't bother me at all to tell you the truth.

People also used to say, 'Wow! Look at that!. Not long to go now then' When I was only four months pg.

I have to say that it doesn't stop after baby arrives... No comments about your size but people suddenly feel like they have a right to your baby and assume it won't bother you when they stick their head in your pram to have a look and make comments like "oh, he must be hungry" or "someone doesn't sound happy" (DS just enjoys screaming in his pram!) Drives me mad though.... I'm not possesive, I just find it rude when people feel they can do what they like coz it's a baby... I'm sure they're being nice and they don't mean to be rude but it does annoy me.

I got so fed up with collegues touching my bumps (I worked in a place that was 95% male...) that I started charging £5 for a rude comment on my weight, £10 if they touched the bump -- to go to children's charity. It didn't take them long to stop