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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

pregant and not sure I want to keep the baby. Has anyone faced a similar decision?

32 replies

reallydontknowhattodo · 29/06/2006 09:46

I am about 6 wks pregnant. I have 2 children, one with special needs, and I am not sure I want a third. Part of me wants to have another baby but I find pregnancy really hard and I already feel like hell - sick, dizzy, headaches, exhaustion etc. I just dont know if I can cope with my 2 children when I feel like this.

Dh is being very supportive and says the decision is mine. I know he really wants this baby. He works away alot so I am virtually a single parent in the week and it is hard enough looking after 2 (my sn child is very high maintenance). I worry about coping wiht another.

If I delay making a decision, it will be harder to make. I am so scared I'll regret whichever path I choose.

Please give me some advice.

OP posts:

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Original poster

reallydontknowhattodo · 29/06/2006 10:06

OP posts:

Earlybird · 29/06/2006 10:06

How old are your children? Could school activities occupy them, and this "lighten the load" for you during the day?

Do you have help? Could you possibly get an au pair, or figure out another way of having an extra set of hands during the week when your husband is away?

expatinscotland · 29/06/2006 10:09

i second earlybird's suggestions entirely!

if your DH is away, then you need some help.

SoupDragon · 29/06/2006 10:18

Yes, I felt like this around this time last year. Huge crisis of confidence about whether I could cope with another (much wanted!) child. I even had a referral for a termination at one point but never made the appointment and went ahead with the pregnancy. It's been tough but I think you just get through. DH works really long hours so it's just me a lot of the time too.

I look at BabyDragon now and can't imagine life without her. I don't know if you do regret having a child because once they're here, they are a little person and entrap you. Yes, I resent her occasionally for her demands, or at least get cross, but I still love her dearly and wouldn't be without her.

HTH. You can email me if you like huffahorse at hotmail dot com

UCM · 29/06/2006 10:59

I am now 10 weeks pg and can't even bring myself to join the ante natal threads as I just don't feel very happy about this whole situation. We are going to suffer dreadfully financially and I keep thinking that I am tired and exhausted with one, what on earth will I do with 2. I really know how you feel but don't know what to do either.

Original poster

reallydontknowhattodo · 29/06/2006 11:56

thanks for responses.

Extra help would be good but we couldnt afford a nanny or anything like that. Also, I love looking after my children and dont want to lose miss out on that enjoyment. Dh has offered to be at home more but we would suffer financially BIG time if he were.

Soupdragon, how come you didnt go through with the termination? Or, in other words, where did you find the courage to continue with the pregnancy? I have been looking on the BPAS website and would hate to have to go through one of the procedures they detail. They all look horrific. I am aware the longer I leave it, if I do terminate the pregnancy it gets muhc harder the later it is.

UCM, It's such a horrible situation isnt it? I look at my 2 gorgeous children and wonder how on earth I could consider terminating a baby who, if allowed, will grow into an amazing little person like them. ..... then I think of the next 2 months of this awful sickness and the early days of coping with a new baby on my own and my heart sinks.

Yesterday I bled a bit and thought I was miscarrying. I was disappointed when the bleeding stopped. It shocked and surprised me how disappointed I was hence starting this thread.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 29/06/2006 12:13

Been there twice. First time I terminated, after much humming and haing. Second time I had the baby, again after much humming and haing.
Don't regret either decision. Whatever you decide you will make the best of it.
FWIW I found childbirth a million times more horrific than termination!

Original poster

reallydontknowhattodo · 29/06/2006 12:22

bj, do you kow why you made the decisions you did? Did you go with a gut feeling or did you weigh up the pros and cons then make an informed decision?

OP posts:

Earlybird · 29/06/2006 13:31

Don't know the particulars of your situation, but getting some help in doesn't necessarily mean it would cost the same as a fully trained nanny. It might be as simple as a neighborhood girl or local student who could help you for a few hours weekday afternoons (when you and the children will be most tired) with supper, bath, bed. Wouldn't even have to be every day....

bluejelly · 29/06/2006 13:46

I drew up list of pros and cons both times but to be honest they weren't based on reality because I had no idea what it would be like to have a baby.
I think it was more a gut feeling in the end.

bluejelly · 29/06/2006 13:47

And sometimes ( horrible admission) i do still wish I had waited till I was older to have my dd. I love her to bits but really the timing was less than perfect, and as for her father....

cantsaywhoiamyet · 29/06/2006 13:47

I'm going through this. I think I'm pg (I haven't tested yet but I'm definitely late and I am NEVER late). I have a 13-month-old ds. I wanted this - we were not really ttc but not being very careful - but tbh am bricking it now. We will be moving to another city (don't know which yet) around what would be the due date. How will we cope with that? How will we manage financially (I am sole earner atm)? How will I cope emotionally? Will ds feel pushed out? Will it damage him or my relationship with him? I don't think I can terminate - apart from anything else, dh would never, ever forgive me.
Reallydontknow, I'm so sorry I can't help but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone - I'll wach this thread with interest. If anyone recognises me please don't blow my cover yet.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2006 13:51

good luck in what you decide, and i hope you find hte support you need here.

i've always gone w/my gut in whatever life throws me and it's worked so far.

i know in my heart of hearts that we simply couldn't afford any more children and i'd need to terminate if i were pregnant again. our living space is just too cramped and we couldn't afford another, or any help, so i see where you are coming from.

SoupDragon · 29/06/2006 14:24

reallydontknowhattodo, I simply couldn't do it. That's what it came down to I think. I went past the "it's just a blob"/can just take a pill stage and I think that's when I realised I couldn't do it. I dont regret it for a minute. Yes, it's bl@@dy hard and I'm completely and uttterly exhausted but that part's not for ever, the little person DD is and will be is forever.

I'm still very much pro-choice wrt termination but I look at DD now and I don't think I could do it. Having gone through the decision making process once and come out on this side of it, I don't think I could do it any other way IYSWIM.

Incognito100 · 29/06/2006 14:29

Hi there,

I got pg with my now husband after a month of dating. We are now married and have two beautiful daughthers, but we did terminate that first pregnancy (about 5 years ago) and I can honestly say I don't regret the decision, but a day doesn't pass that I don't think about the baby. You just have to make a choice and then concentrate on making the most of the choice you have made - either loving the new baby or adoring the two wonderful children you already have. And forgiving yourself for having to make the choice. Sorry if long!

SSSandy · 29/06/2006 14:31

Think a lot of women go through what you're going through. Not everyone is estatic to find out they're pregnant but a lot can happen in 9 months to change the situation and sometimes things click into place and it all does seem possible the more into your pregnancy you get. Your situation isn't easy at all and I can understand why you're not keen on having another baby.

How old are your 2? Do you have relatives nearby or who would have time to come and help you out after the birth? Could your kids spend some time at your parents during your pregnancy now and again to give you a break?

My thoughts such as they are : pregnancy is 9 months, it ends, so I wouldn't base my decision on how unpleasant pregnancy is. It could well get a lot better and in any case it doesn't go on forever.

How do you feel about the child though? I don't think you can ever just weigh up pros and cons when it comes to pregnancy, your feelings have to play a big role.

SSSandy · 29/06/2006 14:35

Think what I was trying to say but not getting across is that IF you want the baby, there will be ways of making it all work. (Compromises, changes, drop in income, asking for and accepting help from quarters you might not necessarily want) but it can be done.

magnolia1 · 29/06/2006 14:36

I (and Dh) felt like this when I first found out I was pg. Now 14+5 with my 5th baby, not enough room, not enough money and termination was the 1st thing my dh said. But we both thought hard and to be honest the room and money are the only reasons I could come up with not to have another one and decided we could manage.
Still not sure if we can manage but only time will tell.
I think it is a terribly hard decision to make and isn't a quick decision either. Would you consider being referred to counselling before making a decision?

trinityrhino · 29/06/2006 14:54

I have 2 already and I am terrified that I'm not going to cope with another but I couldn't think of termination
I can totally understand where you are coming from and I can only say that you need to think very hard about your decision.
I think that if you don't manage to cope then there are services that can help you esp. with a SN child but if you have the termination you will never know if you could've coped and you may not be able to live with your decision

sorry, I know that isn't any help
to you

expatinscotland · 29/06/2006 15:00

Also consider that this baby will not stay a baby and how you will cope once babyhood is over.

stitch · 29/06/2006 15:02

you need to speak to someone with similar values as your own. as strangers we can only advise you based on our own values.

personally, in my circumstances i cannot condone termination for myself.
however had i been 16 and pregnant, then i would do so with absolutley no hesitation, as i would not put my parents through the stress of an illegitimate child.
talk to your mother, or somone like apriest if you are religious?

lisalisa · 29/06/2006 15:35

Message withdrawn

bluejelly · 29/06/2006 15:36

For me it wasn't about money it was about my sanity.

magnolia1 · 29/06/2006 15:51

Lisalisa, thats lovely

expatinscotland · 29/06/2006 15:56

It would be sanity for me, too, jelly.

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