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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Should I find out the gender or not with DC2?

93 replies

halfpint76 · 09/09/2013 08:35

Hi, we have our scan on Friday and we (well, I, really) just can't decide whether to find out the gender. It's our second baby, and we chose not to find out with the first. In a weird way I am worried it might jinx it if I find out (as DC1 was a healthy, fairly easy baby and I had a very straightforward labour). (Weird logic, I know! but that's how my brain works!!)

My husband's quite keen to find out and I definitely can see the benefits (in terms of choosing a name, sorting out clothes etc).

Also, it took me a while to get used to the name we gave DC1 - I felt we decided too quickly (husband is a nightmare with names :-( and I did feel I compromised a bit). I obvioulsy can't imagine DC1 being called anything else now but I do remember those feelings of regret in those first few weeks.

We've decided that if we do find out the gender we'll just keep it to ourselves so that's it's still a bit special.

Just wanted to know what you did? Did you regret it? Pros/cons of finding out.

My indecision is driving me and DP nuts!!

OP posts:

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curiousgeorgie · 10/09/2013 16:09

The day you have a baby is already an amazing day, so why the need for an extra surprise?

The day I found out about my DD being a DD was probably the second best day of my life. I unashamedly wanted a girl and had thought about having one for years, when the sonography told us at 16 weeks at a private gender scan I burst into tears, and up until that point had never been so happy. DH and I spent the rest of the day shopping for pink clothes, and by the time she was here, we had her room ready, and already felt like we knew her because of referring to her by her name for 24 weeks.

My SIL wanted a surprise, was adamant about it, and ended up with a c section under general anaesthetic, and while she was still under, BIL phoned everyone to tell them they'd had a boy. She was obviously disappointed when she finally came round and took about 5 weeks to name him, and it's quite an odd relationship even now.

Found out with DD2 as well, another magical day!!

If you don't get what you want, it gives you 20 weeks to get over it.

VisualiseAHorse · 10/09/2013 16:42

"The day you have a baby is already an amazing day"

Not for me, it wasn't an amazing day at all. The single best bit of it was the midwife laughing in reply to me saying "has he got a willy??"

PramQueen1971 · 10/09/2013 16:59

The day you have a baby is already an amazing day, so why the need for an extra surprise?

What a bizarre thing to say. To find out the gender of your baby is merely 'an extra surprise'?

curiousgeorgie · 10/09/2013 17:03

I don't think it's a bizarre thing to say, I think it's a valid point of view. That's why I wrote it.

Daisy299 · 10/09/2013 17:28

Some very weird responses on this thread IMO!

We found out because I was terrified of labour at 22 weeks and it really helped me to bond.

Most of our older female family members expressed their dismay, with one saying "Oh no, another boy" and another saying "Well I don't want to know but I suppose you'll HAVE to tell me."

I couldn't give a toss.

In short, I was struggling to bond and it completely turned the pregnancy around for me. Some people feel that not knowing is a fundamental part of pregnancy. It's a completely individual thing and it's sad some people feel the need to judge one another for their own private decisions.

minipie · 10/09/2013 17:46

OP, if you do find out, why would keeping it just to you and DH make it more special? that's the bit I don't understand.

I don't find it smug when people find out but don't tell others, I just don't really get it. if the people who are most interested in the sex (ie the parents) already know, then why keep it from anyone else who happens to care?

middleclassdystopia · 10/09/2013 17:54

I don't understand why this is so emotive. It is an individual choice and the reasons are varied for and against. People just need to chill out!

I loved knowing with dc2 it helped me bond. However others prefer the surprise on the day, I don't see that as disapproval of my choice. Live and let live I say.

Pregnancy is so political. People get really touchy about other's choices

middleclassdystopia · 10/09/2013 17:57

minipie why the hell does it matter. You don't get it but aren't others allowed to be different?

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 10/09/2013 18:14

It's not smug, not finding out, it's the "patience is a virtue, trad is best, granny would approve" attitude. Find out, don't find out up you.

I want to know, I want a girl. I need some time to get excited about a third boy. For me a healthy baby is a surprise, gender is a bonus exciting surprise along the way, as well as for clothes sorting practicalities and working through the introductions with other siblings.

Pious "so long as baby is healthy" comments piss me off. Like if you want to know the gender you are some how less grateful for health?!

I AM SHALLOW AND WANT TO FIND OUT GENDER SO I CAN BUY PRETTY FROCKS OR NOT. SO THERE. SIDE ISSUES SUCH AS HEALTH BARELY REGISTER, SO BLITHELY UNAWARE AM I.

ilikesweetpeas · 10/09/2013 19:48

Didn't find out, very precious IVF baby conceived after SO much treatment. We decided everything else had been so clinical we would like a surprise!

working9while5 · 10/09/2013 19:57

I found out with ds1 and not with ds2. I am pregnant with dc3 now and can't decide.

working9while5 · 10/09/2013 20:01

Also agree with CourgetteSmuggler that I didn't find any great magic in the gender on the day of birth, was just thrilled he was out and safe.

somewherewest · 10/09/2013 20:32

For me finding out the gender was really helpful. Neither of us had any strong preference for a boy or a girl, but somehow it brought it home to me that there was a real little person in there. We were able to name him and visualise him a little. I would be gutted if I wasn't allowed to find out DC2's gender. Whatever works for you though.

roweeena · 10/09/2013 20:45

But why find out and not tell people? I don't understand either - not being trolly, just don't understand!

pettyprudence · 10/09/2013 21:20

We didn't find out with dc1 (ds)and probably wont with dc2.

I have zero names for another ds but finding out at 20w would feel like cheating (I really can't explain my logic for that one!).

I'll admit that I really would love a girl BUT I wouldn't want anyone else to know I was having a girl as you inevitably end up with a ton of pink shit from relatives (well my inlaws - my lot wouldn't). This is coming from a fan of pink! I don't understand this need for girls to be in head to toe pink??? I'm wondering if I could keep a girl secret for a few weeks after birth?

I also don't like the projecting of who this new person will be, how your family will be etc... after finding out what's between its legs . I don't see how you can "know" your baby until they are here regardless of their sex.

Ds (2.6) doesn't know what a "brother" or "sister" is so it makes no odds to him.

I have to confess that I am not judgy of people finding out the gender but I am judgy about the whole pink/projection thing. Sorry. I don't say it out loud though, just on here.

I have no instinct either way but I am assuming its another boy as that what dh's family make

CoffeeChocolateWine · 10/09/2013 21:28

We found out with both of our DC.

My first pregnancy was unplanned and came as a huge shock to us. Although there was never any question about us going through with the pregnancy, it took me a while to come to terms with it and I didn't feel much of a connection to my bump, iykwim. Anyway, for me, finding out the sex (a boy!) helped me enormously to 'bond' with my unborn child and get excited about my pregnancy. It was a real turning point - feeling like I was carrying the son I'd always dreamt of having rather than the anonymous 'it' that had invaded my body (harsh, but that is how I felt).

DC2 was more my DH that wanted to find out the sex. I was happy to find out but would have been happy not to too. But it did help I think...it helped us to plan and it also helped us talk to DS about the new baby. I think it helped him to know he was having a baby sister (especially as he really wanted a brother...it allowed him to get used to the idea of having a sister before she was born!)

FairyPenguin · 10/09/2013 21:32

We found out with our second, didn't with our first. Did it for a number of reasons: wanted to be able to prepare DD as much as possible, had such trouble choosing names the first time that we wanted to at least halve the agonising this time, I wanted excuse to buy some baby clothes if it was a boy and also to be able to do it before the birth. We were really pleased to find out and DD bonded really well with the baby. I felt I was really bonded as well, but of course I can't say whether that would have been any less if I hadn't found out. I really enjoyed having experienced both knowing and not knowing. Word of warning though: I know 2 people who were told they were having a girl then had a boy, whereas they can't really get it wrong with a boy!!

KatyPutTheCuttleOn · 10/09/2013 22:17

We decided to find out, we were told we were having a lovely baby boy. We got a girl ;)

Manoodledo · 10/09/2013 22:57

We found out the sex at a late scan (34 weeks) but haven't told anyone that we know. For some reason we're finding it hard to believe that we'll actually have a girl after two boys. Having said that, we haven't been able to resist buying some girls things...

pannetone · 10/09/2013 23:06

We didn't find out with DC1, DC2, DC3 and DC4! Mostly because that it what suited us - we liked finding out at the birth. We were lucky we both felt the same.

Have to say though that I was slightly influenced by the fear of getting crass comments before my DC were born that they were going to be the 'wrong' sex.... DC1 was a boy, and after that the presumption in each pregnancy was that we were 'trying for a girl', when DC2 and 3 turned out to be boys as well. We also got some 'never mind' type comments on the birth of DS2 and DS3 , plus 'will you try again for a girl?' comments . I felt that the chances of crass comments were even higher when I was on my fourth (and what I planned to be -and was- my final pregnancy) if we found out the gender before the birth. I didn't want insensitive people 'writing off' my precious DS4 if that was what he was. I was hoping that most people would have the sense just to be pleased and excited with the arrival of a new (not just 'another') baby boy.

In the event DC4 was a girl, and the irritating comments became that I could stop having children now I had 'got my girl'!

CourgetteSmuggler · 10/09/2013 23:08

I'm not quite sure why people don't 'get' the finding out and then not telling anyone else.

For us (we didn't find out) everyone was so involved with names and genders it slightly tinged something that should of been between me and DH.

When we finally had a name,, a relative would pipe up with an opinion, one of us would back out and we would be back to having no names.

If I could choose, it would be a boy this time because we already have a DD. I'm not sure if I would want to hear the inevitable 'aw, another girl' comments that people seem to make when the baby isn't physically in front of them.

I will find out this time to organise and bond with the baby, but still unsure if we would want anyone else to know. Not high and mighty- just not bothered in dealing with everyone's two cents.

ZingWantsCake · 11/09/2013 00:17

we didn't find out with first 4.
then I had a MC, so when I got pg with DS5 I wanted to find out the sex.
it was like a little "treat" for making it half way through.

we told no-one that we were expecting another boy.
I didn't want to tell our children, because I was worried that if it is a girl (always a possibility that the scan is wrong!) they might feel we lied to them or feel weird in any way.

and as we chose to not tell our kids about having another brother frankly we didn't feel there was anyone else who should know.

we did have a guessing game going though, which was fun. I had a list of names for everyone who predicted "boy" and one for "girl".
we promised to donate a pound for every correct answer to our hospital's neonatal charity after baby's born.
(and we did, it was just over £50)

I kind of wish I had told my dad as he died suddenly when I was 7 m pg.
but he guessed correctly so I tell myself he knew.

ZingWantsCake · 11/09/2013 00:19

I meant to add that with DD we couldn't decide, but DH was so ill, he couldn't go to scan with me and I didn't want to find out on my own.

GoshAnneGorilla · 11/09/2013 03:04

It is one of the most surprising things about pregnancy, just how controversial this is - people seem to have such strong opinions.

I am nosy, I would want to find out. With DD1, it was totally obvious on the scan that she was a girl, I think I announced it before the radiographer did.

With dd2, it didn't look that clear to me, but the radiographer seemed fairly certain. It is nice to know, but that's just my opinion. I'm just looking forward to meeting her when she's ready.

working9while5 · 11/09/2013 07:54

We found out with ds1 but didn't tell anyone we'd found out. It was private to us. We didn't tell his name either.

I think a lot of people around the couple find the wait to find out what it is very exciting and if they know the gender at 20 weeks and then later a name it removes far more excitement for them as grannies and granddads and aunties ans uncles than it did for me as giving birth and having a baby were all new anyway.

It also seems to make people far more forceful about names and with two ds' s I really don't want an extra few months of 'oh you must be very disappointed it's a boy' if we find out. Dh's whole family have three kids each so it is the norm for them but already his friends have been asking if we were trying for a girl. Infuriates me, so rude. No, we were trying for a baby..

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