Should I find out the gender or not with DC2?

[halfpint76]

Hi, we have our scan on Friday and we (well, I, really) just can't decide whether to find out the gender. It's our second baby, and we chose not to find out with the first. In a weird way I am worried it might jinx it if I find out (as DC1 was a healthy, fairly easy baby and I had a very straightforward labour). (Weird logic, I know! but that's how my brain works!!)

My husband's quite keen to find out and I definitely can see the benefits (in terms of choosing a name, sorting out clothes etc).

Also, it took me a while to get used to the name we gave DC1 - I felt we decided too quickly (husband is a nightmare with names :-( and I did feel I compromised a bit). I obvioulsy can't imagine DC1 being called anything else now but I do remember those feelings of regret in those first few weeks.

We've decided that if we do find out the gender we'll just keep it to ourselves so that's it's still a bit special.

Just wanted to know what you did? Did you regret it? Pros/cons of finding out.

My indecision is driving me and DP nuts!!

We did find out. I think it got my gender disappointment out of the way beforehand and allowed by dh to bond feel more involved somehow. I would do it again if I ever lost my marbles enough to have more children.

We found out with number one, but are having a surprise for number two. Thus far, I am not enjoying the preparations for the baby as much. I can't get excited about the neutral clothes, we have left the nursery as it is (one blue wall, blue curtains etc) in case it does turn out to be a boy - if it is a girl we will redecorate it while the baby is in our bedroom as they won't be moving in to the nursery for months anyway, but it has left me feeling a bit flat and unprepared. However, people say it is great to find out at the birth, so I am hoping it will be.

It annoys me that some people who didn't find out seem very smug about it and as if they are somehow superior to people who did find out. I came across that attitude a lot and was irritated by it. I will certainly not make myself out to be superior for waiting to find out, even if I do enjoy the experience of finding out at the birth! Pffft to whoever said it was 'chavvy' to find out!

I didn't ask with DC1 - because I just knew he was a boy. Don't ask me how, lucky guess I suppose!

With DC2 we found out at the 20 week scan. I think it was partly because I am very impatient and partly because I wanted to know if I could reuse DS1's clothes & things or whether I needed new ones for a girl.

We also found out with DC3, as we had 2 boys and wanted to get pretty pink things ready if DC3 was a girl (yes, I know, shoot me if you like).

If I ever had a DC4 (highly unlikely), I tell myself I wouldn't find out as we now have everything in blue & everything in pink anyway. I'm not 100% convinced I could wait until 40 weeks to find out though!

I didn't ask with DC1 - because I just knew he was a boy. Don't ask me how, lucky guess I suppose!

With DC2 we found out at the 20 week scan. I think it was partly because I am very impatient and partly because I wanted to know if I could reuse DS1's clothes & things or whether I needed new ones for a girl.

We also found out with DC3, as we had 2 boys and wanted to get pretty pink things ready if DC3 was a girl (yes, I know, shoot me if you like).

If I ever had a DC4 (highly unlikely), I tell myself I wouldn't find out as we now have everything in blue & everything in pink anyway. I'm not 100% convinced I could wait until 40 weeks to find out though!

Sorry, no idea why that posted twice!

There's no right or wrong way. Ignore anybody who tells you there's a better way to do it. There's only the way that is right for you. Some people like to know in advance, some like to wait. It's as simple as that.

I wanted to know first time round as I wanted to know. Same as I was interested in everything else the scan showed. It was merely a fact and I was keen to know. Turned out she was in a strange position and we couldn't tell. Second time round, I wasn't bothered about finding out particularly as having dd had confirmed that the sex was rather irrelevant but I wasn't opposed to knowing if it was obvious and not only was it completely obvious, dd was also attending the scan with us and she wanted to know. So the sonographer told dd. I quite liked that. It helped her prepare for her little brother.

I found out, partly I had a strong feeling about the gender anyway, mainly as DD had a really strong feeling about the gender, and as she was very small (2 and a quarter when DD2 was born) I thought it might help prepare her to be definite about it. (We were both right as to the gender). Also I stubbornly don't like Docs knowing something about my body that I don't know!

Agree with ShowOfHands that there is no right way or wrong way.

I didn't want to know first time around but had a very very strong feeling it was a boy, so felt like an anticlimax when I had an EMCS and it was a boy (I was just relieved he was out). Second time around we did want to know, it was another boy. It's helped us get DS ready by talking about his "baby brother" rather than just "the baby". We've bought some lovely books about brothers as well which we've been reading to DS.

DH couldn't make the scan the second time though, so I got the technician to write down boy or girl on a card I brought with me, then slipped the pictures with the card into the envelope. DH came home with flowers for me that night and we opened it together over a nice dinner and actually, with lit candles and music playing and everything super-cheesily romantic, that was a lot more special than finding out at the scan and we spent the rest of the dinner talking about having two sons.

We didn't know until our little boy arrived, and I really liked that. I don't think I would want to find out for the next one.

I did have a very strong feeling right from my POAS that he'd be a boy.

Would also like to point out, both hospitals I was scanned at have large posters on the walls stating "please do not ask our scanners the gender of your child, they will not tell you" or something similar. So I didn't actually have a choice anyway.

There's no right or wrong way. This absolutely. What would you prefer to do OP?

We didn't ask with dc1 but did with dc2 - it was actually rather nice having something that was special and unique to this pregnancy. We kept the news to ourselves though.

With dc3 we also chose to find out as I was having quite a tough time and it gave me a much-needed boost and helped me to bond with the baby. I have to say it was also lovely for dc1 to know we were expecting a little brother for him.

at the strong feelings about gender - I had super strong feelings with both dc1 and dc3 and was wrong twice

I didn't find out for the first! (But secretly hoped for a girl). During labour, I told all the midwives we hadn't found out as we wanted a surprise. At one point, near the point of delivery, a doctor was called in to scan the baby as there was a problem with its position. He kept saying 'elle' (I live in France). The young midwife, knowing I wanted it to be a surprise, kept clearing her throat and saying 'Ah oui, le bébé, IL bla bla bla' but I had already suspected by then it was going to be a girl. Didn't bother me as she was almost out anyway!

With the second I did want to find out...for purely practical reasons. Mainly, what to do with all the pink if a boy came along. Plus, it made it easier to choose a name. Only one list to fight over! In France you have to register the birth within three days...so if we'd had a boy we'd have struggled as we couldn't agree on any boys' names!

We didn't find out for ours (except with DD1 as we knew she wasn't going to survive to term and we wanted to be able to give her a name for as long as we did have her). We had so many scans with DD2 as a result and a few times, I wondered about finding out, but we agreed that if either of us DIDN'T want to know, that trumped the person who did want to know. DH didn't want to find out and in the end, I'm glad we didn't.

We didn't find out with either of our children and I'm so glad we didn't. To me it feels like the last bastion of the secret of life. I don't even want people to tell me what flavour they are having when I know they know! It was such an excitement to find out after a gruelling birth and so lovely making the calls "It's a girl! We are going to call her xxx". It's one of my lasting life memories, looking at my baby and looking to see if she was a boy or a girl.

We found out for DS, for me it felt right, it enabled me to bond with the pregnancy and to be honest I don't think it would have felt like much of a 'fun surprise' after a 3 hour pushing stage when I had him (I just wanted to sleep). I will definitely find out if we have a DC2.

I made my initial decision based on the fact that I'd never heard anyone say they regretted finding out at 20 weeks, but around 50% of the people who I know who waited until the birth said that although they didn't regret it, it wasn't really the exciting moment they thought it would be so I figured finding out at 20 weeks has a higher 'satisfaction' rate.

I have met a few 'oh we'd like a surprise', smugitty smugnuts and I have to confess, I do slightly wish a 3 hour pushing stage on them and then see how they feel! I mean it's still a surprise at 20 weeks, you just choose to have it earlier!

Why does not wanting to find out make a person smug?

Surely it is just a personal choice with people sharing reasons for either way.

No smugness as far as I can see.

We've found out with both of our DC,I am the most impatient person in the world and I can't bear the not knowing.

This baby,however,had other ideas! It's quite difficult to tell gender when there's a ton of umbilical cord in the way apparently.

So this one will be a surprise.

I'm 27 weeks and I haven't bought a single thing...
no idea why as both previous DC had very gender neutral things anyway.
we've chosen a name for both eventualities, But I'm definitely less prepared with getting stuff together this time.

I am 40+ 2 and haven't found out.

Have bought white babygro's and pink and blue little hats that we have put in the labour bag once it decides to arrive.

However I don't think it matters if you know or not. It is personal choice and some people like to be organised - sort previous baby clothes out/shortlist names.

I can sort of guess what it is (I think).

I wouldn't mind knowing sometimes as I could start buying clothes etc. but we have definite names for both but now as the date is getting nearer I am glad I don't know.

Our local hospital won't tell us. We'd have to book a private scan to find out, and I can't be bothered arranging, paying for, or remembering to attend a private scan on top of all the other midwife appointments I've got to go to.

In a way, I would have liked to find out. I think it would have been a little easier to start imagining how my first DC would fit into the family with my DSD (she is rooting for a sister, but I'm wondering if it would be easier for her to share DH with a boy). I could pick out more outfits than just a few sleepsuits (never mind that I find baby t-shirts really annoying). Plus, I could get the jump on the Grandmas, re: Christmas outfits. :-p

Waiting until the day isn't so bad for us, though. There is a big enough age gap between DSD and this DC that all of her baby stuff is long gone, so we've had to start fresh anyway. The family that have given us things so far have avoided bright pink, which I'm a bit sick of seeing everywhere. And we don't have to be surprised/disappointed in the event of an early scan being incorrect.

If this was my second DC instead of first, and we had held on to a bunch of baby things, I think I would definitely find out early. Would help me to figure out whether to keep back all of the old clothes or sell them on Gumtree. But that is a non-issue with this particular baby.

There is no right or wrong - why don't you toss a coin OP, heads you find out tails you don't, and the way you feel when you see the coin toss result will tell you what you want to do.

I found out (actually found out at 13 weeks from a CVS) and will be finding out for any future children too. Not for any practical reason or because i think the gender is hugely important, but just because I am an information seeker - I would want to know ANY piece of information they could give me, as early as possible.

I don't think anyone's suggesting that finding out makes you smug iwaswatchingthat, but the person on another thread who described finding out as 'chavvy' certainly came across as smug and patronising. In my experience of doing both (on doffent pregnancies, obviously) I've had plenty of faces and critical comments from others when I have chosen to find out; none when I chose not to... I would also find it a little odd (and controlling) if someone told me they didn't want me to tell them the sex of MY baby - erm, it's not actually your baby, you don't get to choose

Sybilwibble - I agree with it being the last 'secret' of human life....I loved people guessing by the shape of my bump, or having endless discussions about names. I'm a very gender neutral person when it comes to dressing my son, so I never would've had a closet full of pink things if I knew that the baby was a girl.

Just got BFP 3 days ago so MNing everything baby!

With DD, we didn't find out and I do admit that the surprise wasn't as magical as I imagined it to be, I just wanted her out to be honest.

With this DC, if everything goes to plan, I think we would both like to know. Mainly for practical reasons, washing out DD's clothes or buying a whole new set or shortlisting names (as we really clash) and just picturing our family as we only plan to have two.

I'm undecided if we would find out and just keep it between the two of us but I love Xio's idea of writing it on the piece of paper.

Crikey I didn't expect such a response or for it to be so emotive! Thanks for all your posts (well most of them anyway ;-))

And as for being "slightly attention seeking" TarkatheOtter you've obviously assumed that I meant we would find out and just refuse to tell others. We've just decided not to even tell folk that we'll find out. I don't call that attention seeking.