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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I know DP won't want the baby

46 replies

Stickysituation · 14/08/2013 22:19

I would be great full for any advise.

I had the coiled fitted for 5 years. Whilst on holiday last September me and my husband conceived. I didn't know I was pregnant until I had a mc in December. My husband was very unsupportive and wasn't really bothered. I had my coil removed and we have been using ovulation sticks to monitor ovulation. I have been ovulating like clockwork every month. I have a 5 week cycle and I ovulate on week 3, and I can pin point it accurately to the day.
However this month we went away on a break away during week 2. My period is due tues, according to ovulation sticks I have not ovulated. But I didn't test during week 2 with no ovulation symptoms.
My period is due on Friday. I haven't tested yet but I know I'm pregnant. I have every symptom possible apart from morning sickness. I will test to confirm on Friday

Me and my husband have talked about having a second child, I don't mind either way but he is adamant he does not want any more!

With our first he took it very well however as my pregnancy went on as I got over the shock it became obvious to me he did not want her. He came round and is a fantastic father. But ever since having her we fell apart he became a different person and we grew apart. At the end of 2011 he had an emotional / physical affair, it lasted less than a week we separated and we got back together. We have worked so hard at this marriage to make it work and we are now so so happy. We renewed our wedding vows last month and we are so close.

I know he is going to not want this baby. And I'm scared what to do.
If I really wanted it I know in the end he may just come round as he stands to loose a lot if I chose the baby over him. I own our house and I know he would not expect anything if he left. But I can't pressure him into having another child as in the long run I can't see it working.

I just do not know what to do or how to even tell him, I may write him a letter as I just can't tell him.

Can anyone offer any advise for me?

OP posts:

BlackholesAndRevelations · 14/08/2013 22:21

Why did you remove the coil and track ovulation if you don't want another baby?

BlackholesAndRevelations · 14/08/2013 22:22

Sorry that's not advice but I'm a bit confused by your post! Sounds like you were actively ttc?

JumpingJackSprat · 14/08/2013 22:26

Do you want to keep it, regardless of what he decides? Contraception isn't just your responsibility, having said that did he know you had come off contraception? If he knows he is having unprotected sex he can hardly be surprised if you get pregnant. I think the first thing you need to do is decide whether you want this baby, even if it means becoming a single parent.

Original poster

Stickysituation · 14/08/2013 22:45

We were no way TTC. Quite the opp, yes he knew my coil was removed it was his idea to use the Opks as contraception. Which was fine as my cycles are bang on but something has clearly gone very wrong this month.

OP posts:

BlackholesAndRevelations · 14/08/2013 22:50

Oh right! I did wonder if that was what you were doing. He must know how unreliable that method is. He was essentially having unprotected sex, therefore should expect there to be a chance of pregnancy!

Do you want another baby?

daftdame · 14/08/2013 22:53

You will not be 'pressuring' him as you put it. There are risks associated with contraception. If he complains, he would be pressuring you to not have the baby. He learned to love your daughter so he can learn to love this one. I would put off telling him until you are sure.

eurochick · 14/08/2013 22:54

I am really puzzled as to why someone who really wouldn't want a baby this much wouldn't have used a more reliable method of contraception.

Fairylea · 14/08/2013 23:18

Firstly.. without meaning to sound judgey, ovulation stick testing is not a method of contraception. Even if your cycles are extremely regular normally sometimes they do randomly change or alter - as you have just discovered. I hope no one reading this thinks it's considered to be a form of contraception.

Also, I'm failing to see why you should pander to a man who has effectively opted out of looking after your first baby to the point of having an affair. To me that would be unforgivable and I'd be deciding what to do about the baby without even considering him and then going forwards from there.

fluffyraggies · 15/08/2013 07:20

Sperm can remain active in a woman's body for up to a week, plus it's not uncommon to release a second egg after the first in one cycle. 'Natural Family Planning' is only advised with the help of a qualified teacher and with the support of the partner on the understanding that illness, travel and stress can upset the ovulation pattern very easily, rendering the method less effective. Barrier methods (such as a condom) are recommended if there is any risk that the pattern may have been disrupted.

ie: it's a dodgy method to rely on!

Under these circs. OP your DH is 50% responsible for your pregnancy. I do hope that in fact when you test at the end of the week it's neg, and perhaps you can get the coil fitted again. If it's pos, then he is going to have to accept the fact that the method has gone wrong. Would he go with you to your GP to have a talk about it? Have you support apart from him?

Good luck.

Original poster

Stickysituation · 15/08/2013 09:51

UPDATE: I tested on a clear blue digi and I'm pregnant 1-2 weeks. So very early days yet. I'm gonna have a serious think and not gonna tell him for a bit as its so early and so much can go wrong so gives me time to get my head together work out if this is financially do able. I'm self employed and have no idea about if I'm entitle to mat pay ect. I need to know all this first as he's a very practical person. So hopefully fingers crossed this will all work

OP posts:

daftdame · 15/08/2013 10:02

Hope all goes well.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 15/08/2013 10:40

He has advocated using a Non form of contraception! Ovulation prediction is useless! It's at least 50% his fault! Presumably because you wanted a break from the impact on your body of the coil and because he didnt want to use condoms! boo hoo!
If he didn't want more be should have taken responsibility for his actions!
Anyway, I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's not nice, but you now need to do what is best for you. Don't be pushed into anything YOU don't want to do.
If you've been paying your national insurance contributions, you should qualify for MA.

thegoldenfool · 15/08/2013 10:40

good luck

Emsmaman · 15/08/2013 10:47

On a practical note, you should qualify for Maternity Allowance from the government, as self employed. Good luck and congratulations!

LandsN · 15/08/2013 11:15

would just like to add that digi tests you need to add 2/3 weeks to the dates as they test from conception not from the first day of your last af which I know is still early days but I would talk to him sooner rather than later as I am sure its not a decision that you will come to quickly and he might not thank you for not telling him straight away I know my dp wouldn't but hope you get what you want and don't allow yourself to be pressured into anything as you said he was not happy with your first pregnancy but is a amazing dad, my dp was scared with dc1 and went down the I am too young etc etc road but I stood my ground because I was the one who had to go through it and live with it we are now 30 weeks pg with dc3 and couldn't be happier but he still goes into overdrive and panics think it is just natural man thing xxx

Original poster

Stickysituation · 15/08/2013 11:27

If we have different opinions on this he is the one that's going to come out of this looking stupid. I've never heard of married people splitting up because one wanted the baby and the other one didn't. Especially as there's another child involved. If say he decided to leave as he didn't want a part of it. This second child is still his, he couldn't take our daughter out and not be a part of the second child's life as that's down right cruel.
So I think if I decide this is right for us I think I have the upper hand here. He can't force me to get rid of it.
But then is that cruel on my dp if I don't take his opinions on bored? I just don't know.

OP posts:

CheeseFondueRocks · 15/08/2013 11:51

I have heard of many marriages that failed because the wife got pregnant against her husbands wishes. Sounds to me like you wanted another child and decided that because you are married, your husband shouldn't have a choice in the matter.

Yes, he should have worn a condom if he didn't want another child but let's face it, you were NOT using contraception, you were ttc. This mess is of your own making. No responsible adult would act this way.

No, he can't force you to have an abortion but be prepared to be a single parent.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but what you describe is how a naive teenager would act, not a grown woman.

CheeseFondueRocks · 15/08/2013 11:53

And it is both of you who are coming out of this looking stupid. Not using contraception when you know a second child isn't on the cards.

You will now face the choice of a) have an abortion against your wishes and resent your husband or b) keep the child and be resented by your husband.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/08/2013 11:55

Why wasn't he using a condom?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/08/2013 11:56

Cheese - how can a woman get pregnant against her husband's wishes? If he takes responsibility for his own fertility then it is very very unlikely to happen. If he is that bothered then he shouldn't be having sex.

CheeseFondueRocks · 15/08/2013 12:00

I said he should have worn a condom but at the same time, she should have used contraception under the circumstances she described, knowing he didn't want another child. But it all sounds as if she is very blase about the issue. Stupid.

And yes, women can get pregnant against a man's wish. They could just withhold the fact that they have stopped using contraception, missed a pill, vomitted etc. It happens ALL the time.

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 15/08/2013 12:03

As other posters have said, he didn't want to have a baby, but did want to get his leg over? Well, then he knew the risks. Prat.

daftdame · 15/08/2013 12:04

CheeseFondueRocks He did have a choice.

He knew what form of 'contraception' (loosely termed) they were using, she did not lie about it. She did not trap him into anything. He could have used condoms or had a vasectomy if he really did not want any more children.

The OP sounds like she is just more willing to face up to the consequences than the H but would like some support from him and is worried she will not get it.

Contraception is not just the woman's responsibility you know. If she does become a single parent he is responsible for his child according to the law.

Talk about kicking someone when they are down, she had a coil removed after a miscarriage and he 'wasn't really bothered'. He had an affair after her first. I hope everything does work out for the OP, whatever the outcome.

TheAwfulDaughter · 15/08/2013 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CheeseFondueRocks · 15/08/2013 12:13

Look, in a ideal world, all men who don't want children should use condoms every time they have sex or better have a vasectomy. This is the real world though and most men don't do this. It is the responsibility of both partners to use contraception but at the end of the day it is the woman who has to make the choice whether to carry on with a pregnancy or not. Therefore, the impact on her is bigger, emotionally ad physically. The man can walk away and be done with it. Some pay maintenance, many don't. That's the reality.

If the OP is prepared to go it alone, fine. Good for her. I wish her luck.

But in her last post the OP makes it clear that she feels her husband won't be able to leave her, just because she's pregnant. It is this last post that makes me think this was planned on her part. And yes, situations like these arise so often and no, a lot of the time, men do walk away, even if it's in a year or two.

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