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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I know DP won't want the baby

46 replies

Stickysituation · 14/08/2013 22:19

I would be great full for any advise.

I had the coiled fitted for 5 years. Whilst on holiday last September me and my husband conceived. I didn't know I was pregnant until I had a mc in December. My husband was very unsupportive and wasn't really bothered. I had my coil removed and we have been using ovulation sticks to monitor ovulation. I have been ovulating like clockwork every month. I have a 5 week cycle and I ovulate on week 3, and I can pin point it accurately to the day.
However this month we went away on a break away during week 2. My period is due tues, according to ovulation sticks I have not ovulated. But I didn't test during week 2 with no ovulation symptoms.
My period is due on Friday. I haven't tested yet but I know I'm pregnant. I have every symptom possible apart from morning sickness. I will test to confirm on Friday

Me and my husband have talked about having a second child, I don't mind either way but he is adamant he does not want any more!

With our first he took it very well however as my pregnancy went on as I got over the shock it became obvious to me he did not want her. He came round and is a fantastic father. But ever since having her we fell apart he became a different person and we grew apart. At the end of 2011 he had an emotional / physical affair, it lasted less than a week we separated and we got back together. We have worked so hard at this marriage to make it work and we are now so so happy. We renewed our wedding vows last month and we are so close.

I know he is going to not want this baby. And I'm scared what to do.
If I really wanted it I know in the end he may just come round as he stands to loose a lot if I chose the baby over him. I own our house and I know he would not expect anything if he left. But I can't pressure him into having another child as in the long run I can't see it working.

I just do not know what to do or how to even tell him, I may write him a letter as I just can't tell him.

Can anyone offer any advise for me?

OP posts:

daftdame · 15/08/2013 12:21

Is it cruel for the husband to not take the wife's opinions on board? Has he spent time thinking 'Oh I don't want my wife to feel she has to go through an abortion because I don't want a child'? Obviously not.

Yes the OP has been irresponsible as has the husband. The fault lies with both of them. Both of them must face up to the consequences of their joint actions together because that is what marriage means. If they really can't do this maybe the marriage was a bit of a sham anyway, this situation will have just bought it to light.

CheeseFondueRocks · 15/08/2013 12:28

Yes, it is very cruel of the husband not to consider his wife's feelings and wishes. Just the same as it would be the other way around.

This doesn't change the biological fact that she will be the one facing the consequences. Maybe the husband is a dick and she's better off without him anyway. Maybe he will come around and love his second child. Nobody knows.

But, two wrongs don't make a right. If I know my husband is stupid, what good does it do me to be stupid as well? None at all.

I was just very struck by the complete naivety of the OP. I can't understand people acting like this, man or woman.

I wish her the best of luck though.

Figgygal · 15/08/2013 12:33

You have not been having safe sex babies are the result of this he cannot be too unhappy with you as he has been complicit in this. If you didnt want a baby why not use protection?

I know you must be in a state over this but please tell him sooner rather than later.

daftdame · 15/08/2013 12:37

Cheese Sad fact people do behave naively, I think the OP recognises this now (otherwise she would not be on here). No point rubbing it in though, just make her feel worse...I hope all goes well for her.

meditrina · 15/08/2013 12:37

Unless OP was cycle-tracking and then not telling her DH when her most fertile days were, or was not cycle tracking conscientiously (missed a week? ) then this is an accidental PG, known to be unwanted by one prospective parent.

Yes, couples, married or otherwise, do split up over such situations; it really is a major stressor. And the decision about splitting up isn't only for the OP.

I think OP needs to tell her DP ASAP, and work out her next steps in light of his actual, not his predicted, reaction. He might come round to the idea, but there is a good chance he won't. In which case, OP needs to start thinking about preparing for life as a lone parent of two.

Cally123 · 15/08/2013 13:12

Very shocked at how many unsupportive comments there are on this thread!

Bless your heart sweetie, you're in a difficult position one in which many of us would struggle with but nonetheless everyone on this forum not just as mothers but as women in general should be supportive and offer her advice not trying to shoot her down!

I believe in the end it is your choice, you will know in your heart what decision you want and that's what you should go for. Many people may say that it's selfish not to consider your husband but can't the same be said for not considering this unborn child?

It will be the ultimate test to your relationship I am sure but you need to do what makes you happy! This decision will be with you forever so bare that in mind when making a choice. I think a letter sounds good, it will allow you to put all your feelings and emotions about this down on paper instead of them get pushed aside if he takes to the news badly.

If he's dedicated to you and your daughter he will step up and accept his responsibilities. It may not be ideal but it's life! And if he chooses not too then throw his ass out... You and your children will deserve better.

Anyhow, good luck and all the best for the future. Remember: it is YOUR choice. You cannot be forced and should never feel pressured x

Original poster

Stickysituation · 15/08/2013 13:18

I was actively tracking my cycle. For months I was testing every day. We don't DTD that often, once a week so it was great it worked for us and really didn't interfere with our sex lives. This was a short term solution for us as I was actually pushing for him to have a vasectomy,

Yes I've been bloody stupid and no way was this planned. I'm not sure what to do, I don't know what I want or feel right now. Just need to gather my thoughts and see if this pregnancy is going to be a viable option for us. I'm not going to say oh shit I will have an abortion as I don't know how I feel about them tbh. I'm going to try and consider this from both ways. My husband is working away for 5days. I plan to tell him next thurs when we have the night to ourselfs as I can and will not tell him when our daughter is in as she is 6 and will most likely understand.

OP posts:

Lanceolate · 15/08/2013 13:22

Are you serious CheeseFondueRocks? Are you reading a different OP???

He knew she had the coil removed. He suggestion ovulation tracking as contraception. He chose not to wear a condom or have a vasectomy. He chose to have sx with her. How did he not have a choice???

Lanceolate · 15/08/2013 13:23

Have a good think about what you want to do before you tell him.

scallopsrgreat · 15/08/2013 13:26

"Look, in a ideal world, all men who don't want children should use condoms every time they have sex or better have a vasectomy. This is the real world though and most men don't do this." Yes. And why is that? Especially as have unprotected sex is not a physical risk to them but it is to the person (in this case) they are supposed to love?

All his actions you have described OP are of a selfish man. I don't think that is going to change and he will do what he thinks is best for him. So now I think you have got to think what is best for you.

daftdame · 15/08/2013 13:30

Sticky That sounds like a plan.

All of us have to go through these difficult make or break situations in life, sometimes looking back they are the best things that ever happen to us, because the outcome causes things to change for the better. I think you just have to hope for the best.

Cally123 · 15/08/2013 13:33

Just properly read through the comments and some are truly vulgar. She asked for ADVICE not your narrow-minded and ignorant opinions.

One person commented that it was awful bringing a child into the world with only one parent wanting it. So what would you rather it do, be killed because of one persons choice?! NO.

Anyways, what's the issue?! I never knew my father growing up and I've turned out pretty darn good. I'm successful and believe to be an extremely lucky woman. There is nothing wrong in being a single parent and for women who have this cruel mindset I'd advise you to remove yourself from such a website if you are not willing to be supportive and open-minded!

I don't understand why an emphasis is being put on the contraception. That isn't the issue here... The innocent unborn child and its future is! As well as theirs as a couple. I am truly disgusted at some of the comments I have read and I will definitely be thinking twice before asking for any further advice on this page when you are met with twonks like these.

I always follow the advice 'if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all' maybe some of you women need to take this on board.

No need for the repetitive comments about the failings of her using a reliable contraception. None of us are time travellers we can't undo what has been done and the reality is there is a choice that will have to be made and that's what she wants support and advice on! Deary me

TheAwfulDaughter · 15/08/2013 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Stickysituation · 15/08/2013 17:12

There is no way I can have this conversation over text. He can only text when he's in wifi hotspot and that means unfortunately when he's working and grabs a few mins just n

OP posts:

Original poster

Stickysituation · 15/08/2013 17:13

...not something I can do. That's the cowards way out.

I need to do this face to face don't you think?

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 15/08/2013 17:40

Yes you do - although how he can only text when there's wifi is bizarre.

Why weren't you using condoms if you had the coil removed?

Original poster

Stickysituation · 15/08/2013 18:25

He uses his iPad to text me and its not got a SIM card in it only works on wifi. As he's abroad working.

We started using them as soon as the coil was removed but I do not get on with them I get very dry sore and uncomfortable for a few days after. He wanted to use the pull out method but I said I wasn't prepared to take that risk. I looked into natural family planning method and he said his ex used the opk testing sessesfully for years so to do that.

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 15/08/2013 18:31

"I've never heard of married people splitting up because one wanted the baby and the other one didn't."

Sadly, I do. I can't offer any useful advice, but I hope you find a solution that works for both of you.

midori1999 · 15/08/2013 18:44

OP any ovulation tests will tell you in the instructions that they should not be used as contraception. Surely you knew this? I do find it unbelievable that you didn't at least hope for a 'little accident' tbh, given that and what you've said on this thread. However, I hope things work out for you and your DH can accept this, because the repercussions for your existing DC are potentially huge.

Original poster

Stickysituation · 15/08/2013 19:34

No not a tiny part of me wanted another. I had the talk with him but that's because we always said when our daughter went to school we would talk about it. And tbh that talk went down like a lead balloon! Yes I was upset he wouldn't even consider any more but that's because my choice had been taken away from me.

OP posts:

Naomilouise1992 · 16/08/2013 21:26

Me and my partner wasn't together when I got pregnant he didn't want children at all we argued about it for a couple of weeks and I made him come to my 12 week scan once he seen it moving he said we will be together as bf and gf with the baby! If he knew u wasn't using anything then it takes two to tango having been threw an abortion before and was pressured into it off my ex it was no option for me! I was on the pill this time and even had the implant in while I was pregnant... Hope it works out xx

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