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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How do Mums feel about giving up financial control?

29 replies

FraggleRock77 · 13/08/2013 21:47

I'm really struggling with the idea of having to depend on my DH financially while on Mat leave. I've always been fiercely independent and equal with all costs. However in order to get a good length of leave i know i will have to give in.
My DH is fine with the idea and i suppose i should think right, my career is on hold, I'm carrying our child and will be the main carer but it is hard.
How do other people feel about it? Did it make you feel vulnerable? X

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NarkyNamechanger · 13/08/2013 21:50

I've never I've up financial control. Depending on someone financially is different, but then dh had to depend on me to carry and care or his child. He had no choice over that either.

Always had a joint account and as much access as him.

Theincidental · 13/08/2013 22:00

My friend (a lawyer) really struggled with this. She's a fierce feminist as well.

She pushed too much and too hard to keep up with her career through pregnancy and became quite ill.

So, she had to stop. Took extraordinary strength to do that, I think.

The way she sees it now is that they are a partnership and there will be various times in both their lives where their roles will have different priorities. Right now, the most important thing she can do is to care for their newborn.

I know how you feel to an extent. I'm a single parent with a baby. My career went down the toilet when I had a baby. Two years on, I'm now clawing back up. It is hard, but I wouldn't have missed any of the last two years of my boy's life for anything. It's a set back, but the way forward has an extra special person in it and that is better than my career ever could have been.

valiumredhead · 13/08/2013 22:01

No I've never felt worried as we've always had a joint account and the same access to saving-joint everything is the only way I'm happy.

rubyslippers · 13/08/2013 22:02

I never thought about it like this

We have always put our money in one pot - there was a time I earnt more than my DH and now it's the other way around

We're partners and a family

We share the purse strings

tumbletumble · 13/08/2013 22:05

As others have said, we're a partnership. When DH gets a bonus, I genuinely feel I have as much right as him to decide how to spend it. He knows that I am as intelligent as him and that we both work hard in different ways.

okthen · 13/08/2013 22:05

Can you save like buggery while you are pregnant? Being financially independent whilst on mat leave hasn't been a choice for me as such- we couldn't afford our mortgage, bills etc on dp's salary alone so if I want to take the full year, I need to contribute. I managed to save £5600 whilst pregnant so I could do this. Just for info, I take home around £1200/month.

rallytog1 · 13/08/2013 22:06

I don't feel as though I've given up financial control. Everything we earn is communal, just as everything we each do for our family is communal. Currently DH brings in more money than I do, but I contribute more time to our DD's upbringing than he does. The balance of either of those things could change in the future and has been different in the past (I was the main earner for a couple of years).

Having a child is a joint enterprise so I think it's important you come to some agreement and 'ground rules' about how you will handle finances when you're on maternity leave. The 'communal' approach doesn't work for everyone, but what's vital is transparency, honest and agreement about how your finances will work.

tumbletumble · 13/08/2013 22:06

I should say that although I am at this point now, I did struggle with it to begin with. I had to learn how to value myself and define myself in ways other than my career.

Mayanbob · 13/08/2013 22:08

It would freak me out a bit if I had to give up financial control, - I am the main person in charge of bills and what have you. (we have individual accounts and a joint account) However I informed DH that i'd be needing some more money off him in a few months which he of course was fine with.

I think not being as independent will take some getting used to but in some respects I'm rather looking forward to it as it'll give DH a bit more responsibility. Something which i'm going to have to get used to in any event as there'll be a little person here shortly.

Original poster

FraggleRock77 · 13/08/2013 22:11

Thank you for the feedback. We do have a joint account for some monies and things are very transparent. It's just me! I'm 36 and always been career minded and financially stable and able. My DH is extremely supportive and knows i struggle with being reliant. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea and like Posting Mums have noted having a child is a joint venture which I'm sure will hit me when our baby appears.
Oh, I am trying to save. Good idea though and well done for saving so much

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 13/08/2013 22:16

Its always been our money, even though i don't earn any.
It has also never been a problem, and I manage the money, bills etc. There were even times when I had to tell dh he couldn't have something he wanted this month because we were short. it never bothered him, but we both share the same opinion about money.
You shouldn't feel guilty as you are the one carrying his child and will be the main carer.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 13/08/2013 22:20

I self-funded my maternity leave - luckily got promoted and a v big pay rise shortly before trying for a baby. So I didn't change spending habits and saved the difference. I think it is really important to have your own money. I know you are supposed to think of salaries going into the home as family money but I've never got my head round that. I would not like to ask DH for money or rely on his income - this being purely my personal view and not a judgement on SAHMs.

TarkaTheOtter · 13/08/2013 22:37

I agree that I don't feel like I have given up control since I stopped working (nearly two years ago now). I don't ask dh for money as its our money, I have equal access to it. We both consult on large purchases though.

Shellywelly1973 · 13/08/2013 23:13

Another way of viewing this is to say, aren't you lucky to be able to chose to take a career break. When i had my dd i had to return to work when she was 6 wks old...if i stayed at home we'd have lost the house. I hated it.

Im self employed now & the reality of being my own boss is really kicking in. Again i will take weeks off rather than months..

Make the most of your maternity leave!

Xenadog · 14/08/2013 07:07

I am really struggling with this. I am a teacher in a post I was going to leave but ended up having to stay due to being pg. School has restructured and I have in essence stepped down from September so will be on a significantly smaller salary anyway. Maternity pay will probably be statutory as it's not a state school and this means I am going to be utterly broke.

I have always stood on my own two feet - put myself through uni etc - and so to now have to rely on my DP is just awful. It's what has made me fleetingly consider abortion early on and even adoption!

What makes my situation worse is that DP and I haven't been living together very long and I have some debt whilst he doesn't. I think if I was happier in my work/financially better off this wouldn't feel so traumatic but the fact I am going to have to reply on DP (and then look for a new post whilst on maternity leave) just makes everything feel awful and has really taken off any shine about having a baby.

The only way to deal with this is to remind myself that this is a short period of my life (between 7 and 9 months on maternity) and then I can go back to employment and start to "pay my way" again. DP is very good and wants to pick up the slack but I feel reliant, powerless and lacking control over my own life. So OP I know exactly how you feel. xx

x0gawjus0x · 14/08/2013 08:55

Me and oh share eachothers money. I am 20 he is 26 and weve lived together for 2 yrs and has always been this way we earn a generous amount between the two of us and we will be fine throughout mat leave and ofcourse ill have mat lpay from work im not worried in the slightest and he is looking forward to looking after us both :)

PicnicPie · 14/08/2013 09:17

I'm on Mat Leave now and have also had to come to terms with being reliant on DH. Everything in our finances are completely transparent and accessible to both. We have joint accounts and whatever I spend is not questioned by DH. But still, I have moments where I feel uncomfortable. Not because of DH. Just because of my own mentality. I have been financially independent for 10 years and supported myself and never asked anyone for a penny and so naturally being in a position where I know I'm not bringing in any money bothers me. But it's all my own issue and nothing from DH.

DH is ever so supportive, understands that I've put my career on hold for DD (our family) and respects that and appreciates me.

It is just something I think you have to come to terms with and accept in your own way that although you're not contributing in the financial sense, you are contributing to the family/ partnership in a much bigger way and what you are embarking on wouldn't be so simple for you if you weren't willing to sacrifice your career.

You shouldn't feel vulnerable. But I understand exactly where you're cant from and it is totally natural.

PicnicPie · 14/08/2013 09:20

coming not can't

misskatamari · 14/08/2013 09:41

We view our money as shared and don't have issues about who earns it, however I do understand where you're coming from in terms of mat leave. I'm still pregnant so not their yet, and it will be different not earning my own money for a while. I think if you have a joint account it makes it much easier - if I had to ask DH for money I would feel weird, but were not like that so don't anticipate a problem. We are trying to save as much as we can before too so it's not such a struggle - hopefully.

I think if I was a sahm I would probably feel differently and would have to get my head round not bringing in money to the household an relying on DH soley for money. At the moment that isn't something I feel comfortable with, just because I have always been financially independent and am actually the one who sorts all the money things out in our family. We'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it though!

mrsvilliers · 14/08/2013 10:03

I found it really hard, mat leave was fine but I didn't go back to work and it took a full year to adjust. It didn't matter how many times my husband said it was 'our' money, it just didn't feel like it. I'm 35 and now much more responsible with 'our' money than I ever was with my own!

roweeena · 14/08/2013 10:18

I completely understand, I'm the main breadwinner and so we can't just survive on DH salary. I had £5000 savings for DS1 and currently saving for DS2 and aiming for £6000 this time.

We have a joint which we pay bills from but then look after our own accounts otherwise - therefore the savings are in my account and I still feel a bit like I'm in financial control.

I know some people think about money differently but I was brought up by a very feminist mother who taught me never to relinquish financial control to anyone else!

ChunkyPickle · 14/08/2013 10:31

DP is under no illusion that I'm making this sacrifice (ie. staying at home while the kids are young) because we both want a family, and that I would just as much prefer to be the one out at work - and I could earn just as much as he does.

I know that I could go out and get a job tomorrow (OK, no I couldn't - I'm 8.5 months pregnant.. that tends to take the shine off) and earn as much as he does. This is what keeps me sane, and means have no problem not bringing any money into the house.

Mind you, it's not an issue as we've always shared our money, and I'm the one that sorts out all the paperwork so I'm the one in full control of it where he just has a credit card and occasional cash issued to him!

Beamae · 14/08/2013 10:31

Our money was pooled long before I stopped working, from when we first bought a house together. Now we are on one income and it doesn't feel very different. My husband's salary goes into a joint account and we each get paid personal spending money into our private accounts. If anything, I'm the one who controls the money.

I suppose your husband's outlook is what makes the difference. Mine doesn't see the money he earns as his to share with me. He sees us as both working in different spheres to maintain the family. He also appreciates the money that we are saving on childcare.

Having said that, now that I am not bringing in any actual money I have made concessions. My face products are all cheapies now and I don't just spend willy nilly on whatever I want. I think that's par for the course when you have children though!

HazleNutt · 14/08/2013 10:36

DH will be a SAHD when DS turns 4 months and I certainly don't see it as depending on me financially then. All our accounts are joint and all money is ours, no matter who is earning (more) at a certain time.

Smerlin · 14/08/2013 11:04

We will have saved between £5000-£6000 by the time I start maternity leave which will be used to top up my income from maternity pay each month so I still feel like I have a salary coming in for my whole maternity leave (not taking the whole year though). DH will still have to pay out more but I feel happy knowing that I won't need to ask for every little thing. We do joint acc for bills and keep individual accs for the rest but we do earn the same amount so makes little difference.

A friend of mine has really suffered on maternity leave as her husband pays all bills but expects her to sort out food shopping, daytime expenses etc out of her SMP so she often has to ask him for £10 to buy food for example-I couldn't do that!

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