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Pregnancy

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Original poster

How to say "you can't hold my baby"?

39 replies

Bunnylion · 05/08/2013 17:09

One of my dearest friends has a boyfriend who is a loud, obnoxious idiot and I don't want him to hold my baby. I'm due in a couple if weeks time.

He is an over the top, bear-huggy, unable to understand personal space, type of person - who always bangs on about how much he loves babies so I anticipate he will be itching for a cuddle before he's even inside my house.

I want my friend to have a quiet cuddle with my newborn baby. So how do I say "no" when he presumes that it's his turn, without it getting too awkward?

He's not a very smart guy and will probably keep pushing me instead of just dropping it, if I did just say "no". Anoher problem is that they're never apart so getting her over alone would be almost impossible.

I really don't want to just give in and let him hold the baby because it's of zero benefit to my baby and my precious baby isn't a new toy to be passed around. Any experience or advice very welcome!

OP posts:

KatoPotato · 05/08/2013 17:11

I really wouldn't get so wound up about it at this stage. When the day comes you can just say no (it's a complete sentence!) nobody will think anything of it as a new mum you can get away with murder!

But if you overthink it now and try and come up with a reason it will show, just try to relax now!

Congrats and good luck

CreatureRetorts · 05/08/2013 17:12

Well why don't you want him to hold your baby? Because he's annoying? Or because he will hurt your baby?

You don't have to pass your baby to anyone. Perhaps whip a boob out (if youreBF) and he will back off

I'd just take the baby back once your friend has had a go and leave it at that. But you do sound a tiny bit precious!

YoniMitchell · 05/08/2013 17:17

Sorry, but I really don't see what the big deal is? What 'benefit' do you expect there to be (it's not as though it will be detrimental to your baby for someone to hold them in front of you)?

Besides, IME people who claim to really love babies are usually the ones holding them when they start screaming anyway, so you have the perfect opportunity to take it back then.

Can you just say baby is due a feed, so you'll hang on to him/her, just in case/so you're ready to pop a boob in?

Disclaimer: I'm pg with my first and have no doubts I'll be pfb in many situations (and can't stand my smugger-than-smug BIL so it will kill me to hand over baby for a cuddle, but I'll get over it)!

MisselthwaiteManor · 05/08/2013 17:22

What are your concerns about him holding your baby? What do you think will happen? I thought I would be the same but I've had no problem letting people have a quick cuddle, DD seems happy enough and I get her back in one piece. If you really don't want to let him hold her though, the word No is enough. You'll be surprised how assertive you can be once the baby is here.

lozza22 · 05/08/2013 17:29

I would have let just about anyone hold my babies when they were born cos it meant i was getting a rest, however small, from it. Of course i wouldnt have let complete strangers or someone i thought might do harm hold them, which i seriously doubt this guy wud do, no?

Why not let him have a hold then take it back once it starts to cry which probably wouldnt take too long.

Then people tend to lose interest pretty quickly anyway from my experience cand u will be begging for someone to take the baby for a moment! :-)

meditrina · 05/08/2013 17:33

You might be bet off inviting your friend without her OH until you are more confident about how your baby interacts with other people.

SadPander · 05/08/2013 17:38

Well it's your baby, so I suppose if you feel that strongly about it you just say no. Though I don't really understand why you would take issue with someone holding your baby just because they're annoying?! Totally your choice but it does sound a little precious to me- and as for what yor baby will get out of it, the same as they will from a cuddle with someone you do like I suppose I don't think babies find people annoying do they?

Original poster

Bunnylion · 05/08/2013 17:38

Thanks for the advice so far. He's just such an over-the-top guy and very very manic. He nearly crushed my frail grandmother with a bear-hug when he met her and was totally oblivious to it.

He doesn't seem to be able to be gentle and quiet so I am imagining him getting over exciting with the baby and I just wouldn't be comfortable with him holding it.

I'm probably being a bit precious but hey, I'm a heavily pregnant, sleep deprived woman who's fallen in love with my bump, when else can I be?

OP posts:

MisselthwaiteManor · 05/08/2013 17:51

I don't think you're being precious, but I hate that word. It's not 'precious' to care about your baby even if sometimes your worries are a bit silly.

CreatureRetorts · 05/08/2013 18:51

I apologise for the use of the word precious

I was similar with my PFB. However there's no harm to the baby, so that's why I used that term.

But get used to practising keeping baby with you as there will be times when you don't want baby to stay with MIL some people for too long!

Romily · 05/08/2013 19:00

Why not ask her to come alone, mentioning that you are getting used to feeding etc and then she can have baby cuddles and you don't have to worry about him? My friend recently gave birth and had a few weeks of girls only visits while she adjusted.

mystaplerisevil · 05/08/2013 19:44

pinch you baby when he's holding it to make it cry

Tigglettchic · 05/08/2013 19:52

"Back off pedo, he's all mine, mine I tell you!!!!"

Does that help??!!

laeiou · 05/08/2013 20:15

Give your baby to your friend while she's sitting down. Watch for any sign she may pass the baby over, or preemptive strike with "time for a mummy cuddle " or whatever.

I found that most people offered to wash their hands before touching a new baby. Your new mum hormones are surfacing and you're ready to be your baby's advocate and protector. It should be no problem to avoid the dreaded "pass the parcel" with your baby being returned to you smelling of various perfumes. I think you'll have the insight and confidence to give your baby the mum time s/he needs and avoid the stuff you're thinking about now.

laeiou · 05/08/2013 20:17

Or tell your friend in advance that you want to see her alone. New mums generally get to request this sort of thing.

Passmethecrisps · 05/08/2013 20:18

Just roll out "oh, she's getting tired" and take her back.

Or, if he does take her you are well within your rights to tell him to be gentle.

impatienttobemummy · 05/08/2013 20:21

I had these sorts of thoughts before my first DS don't stress you might feel different when the time comes, tis the hormones! I cried when my friend held DS for what I perceived was too long! No one was offended as you can get away with his as a new mum it's expected you will be a little bit crazy!

Passmethecrisps · 05/08/2013 20:25

In my first few days I would have handed her to anyone to give my arms a rest. Now at almost 9 months old she has to be practically prised out of my grip!

Just play it by ear and don't be afraid to hover while he holds her to make sure all is well. She is a baby, not a pony - not everyone can "get a shot!"

DontmindifIdo · 05/08/2013 20:30

I think a better solution would be to invite your friend over but say "I don't want to be rude but do you mind coming over on your own? It's just I'm feeling really sore and a state and I'm boob out a lot feeding him/her, I don't mind you seeing me in that state but I'll get really stressed out trying to feed DS/DD if [friend's boyfriend] is there too, I'd like to keep it just to supportive woman for now, if that's ok? We'll let the guys in later." she'll say of course that's ok, if not and she pushes for him to come too, say "I really can't cope with too many people at once now..." and start sounding like you are going to cry.

Honestly, you get to be a right diva for the first 6 weeks. Make the most of it.

vwcampervanfan · 05/08/2013 20:32

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. tell your friend that you're bf (if you are) and bit embarrassed about doing it in front of her boyfriend, so would she mind coming alone or waiting till you're more used to it )say when baby is 6 weeks old )

vwcampervanfan · 05/08/2013 20:33

X-post with dont mind

karinmaria · 05/08/2013 20:39

Absolutely agree with dontmind and campervan. You get to request what you like for the first 6 weeks at least as you've just given birth!

If she moans or complains about not bringing her bf then resort to tears or just sigh and say she'll have to wait to meet your baby. Surely they can't be that attached at the hip...?!

And you're not being precious. There were some of my DH's friends who I didn't know that well who wanted a cuddle (this was at 3 months, not even newborn) and I sort of kept hold of my baby and claimed he was hungry/tired/a bit cranky.

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat · 06/08/2013 00:17

I understand where you're coming from. I don't want to take my baby to my siblings house because his alcoholic, smoking, unwashed mil is never away. I know that's horribly judgy, but I just can't stand the thought of her near my baby!

Hopefully he is the kind who is all talk and won't actually want a hold. I love babies but ever want to hold newborns because I feel like all eyes are on me and I might not be holding them properly.

DaleyBump · 06/08/2013 00:25

You're not being precious. Not at all. There are certain people I don't want to hold my baby when he's born, and I'm just going to have to say no I suppose.

chattychattyboomba · 06/08/2013 00:37

OP I understand. You are feeling vulnerable about the possibility of not having control of your environment when your precious baby arrives and that is totally normal.
I had a situation where friends came over, I was exhausted, told them so, instead if taking the hint and leaving me to rest they offered to take my new born baby for a walk... Outside... Of the house... Without me... With roads and cars and air and...well you get my drift. I nearly hyperventilated. I just told them sorry but I need her near me.
I have a friend who constantly tries to push her buggy.. Practically ram railing me out the way like a dodgem car. It got heated recently where I had to tell her to back off. She said 'it's my way of feeling like I'm looking after her!'
I said...'she doesn't need someone to look after her! Her mother is right here! I'm sorry I may seem weird but I have a thing about other people pushing her around...'
I made it 'my' issue and I didn't care if that means she thinks I'm a weirdo. My child. I would rather be a weirdo than never be able to forgive myself or the person who put her in harms way.

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