How to say "you can't hold my baby"?

[Bunnylion]

One of my dearest friends has a boyfriend who is a loud, obnoxious idiot and I don't want him to hold my baby. I'm due in a couple if weeks time.

He is an over the top, bear-huggy, unable to understand personal space, type of person - who always bangs on about how much he loves babies so I anticipate he will be itching for a cuddle before he's even inside my house.

I want my friend to have a quiet cuddle with my newborn baby. So how do I say "no" when he presumes that it's his turn, without it getting too awkward?

He's not a very smart guy and will probably keep pushing me instead of just dropping it, if I did just say "no". Anoher problem is that they're never apart so getting her over alone would be almost impossible.

I really don't want to just give in and let him hold the baby because it's of zero benefit to my baby and my precious baby isn't a new toy to be passed around. Any experience or advice very welcome!

Chattychatty ugh, thats awful. I know people want to help but not sure they always realise how it'll make you feel by taking your baby away. My MIL has a terrible habit of baby snatching her nieces DD whenever she starts crying and she takes her away into another room or outside as the mum is trying to act calm, but always looks really stressed out when this happens.

I'm going to tell her there's a girls only rule on friends visitors for a few weeks so he won't come round.

After that, if I'm still not comfortable with him holding the baby, I'll just have to play the weirdo-mum who won't put baby down or let anyone else hold him, only when my friends boyfriend is around.

I imagine it'll be a matter of endurance, maybe I'll be able to hold out until the baby is too big to hold. Who will persist longer? The friends boyfriend or me and the 14 year old boy sitting in my babywrap on my back?

Walking away out of sight with my crying baby was one thing that could nearly have ended a long and wonderful friendship for me. I honestly don't know what gets into people's heads. This was done by the same friend who told me she didn't let anyone else touch her children until they were 6 months old but wanders into another room with my hysterical 3 month old.

Good luck OP - sounds like a plan

Oh. This has struck a bit of a chord with me. DH has a v good friend who smokes all the time. He stinks, his clothes stink and I don't want him anywhere near the newborn. Any advice?

boosie trot out the current advice which is that babies shouldn't be in close physical contact with someone who has smoked in the last half an hour.

I warn you, a well meaning aunt or friend or MIL will whip the crying baby from your arms and bustle off into another room with them whilst declaring 'leave it to Auntie X/Grandma'. You will have to try very hard not to kick their shins with all your might.

None of my female friends would have dreamt of bringing round their dhs/dps in the early days. They just seemed to naturally know that I needed quiet and only people I really knew around me. Otherwise, DH did guard duty and I was left in peace. I did have some male friends visit btw, but the point was that they were my friends. They didn't bring their wives/girlfriends either.

showofhands I've got a few male friends who I'd be very happy for them to hold my baby and they'll be invited over. It's just this idiot I really don't want to.

He's also a smoker, like boosies DHs friend so that's another good reason not to let him hold the baby if I run out of cards.

You're not being precious at all. I was persuaded to go to a small gathering of DH's friends when DD was a week old. I had no excuse as it was over the road, even though I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do less! Having given in to one person for fear of seeming 'precious', they predictably all passed my baby around, even girls who barely acknowledge me. It still winds me up to think about that! Another friend who also had a newborn there sensibly kept him in his car seat and declined requests to hold him. If I had my time again I'd have worn her in a sling. It's your baby, you get to say who holds her. I reckon having your friend over without her DH is a good idea.
xx

posy thanks, I will be really pissed off with myself I cave to pressure. x

And thanks too. Sorry for hijacking!

I never ask to hold someone else's baby as I think it creates pressure on the mum. If someone other than the mum hands the baby to me I'll always say to to the mum 'does baby want to be back with you?'. I make lots of fuss over the baby as I do love them, but I think touching someone's baby should be by personal invite only! I am still traumatised by a stranger I was chatting to in a cafe who put their finger in my baby boys mouth for him to suck on...after telling me that she worked in a pet shop. I cried for hours and have watched people like hawks when their near my kids ever since! You do what you're comfortable with OP - your baby, your choice.

It doesn't matter what the reason is.
If you don't feel ok with anyone holding the baby, you don't feel ok with it.

Don't offer the baby and if someone is asking to hold the baby. You just simply say that you don't feel comfortable with that.

I personally hate it if people touched my newborns without asking me. Silly me I didn't always know what to do or say on such a moment.

Now I'll simply grab their hands and pull them back.
Saying something like: 'Sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with it if everyone would touch my baby'.

If anyone doesn't like that answer. It's their problem.
This is your child and not theirs.
They've no right what so ever to just hold the baby, because that's what they want.

Only your partner/husband has got a right to hold the baby without asking you for permission.

Anyone else.....
Has got no right what so ever.

They don't like that it's their problem.
You'll learn on the job to think like this. That's how I learned it. Because people can be sometimes really odd and totally forgetting their place if you don't put them on their spot.

I felt the same with my two youngest. YANBU! With my first child I was in recovery sleeping off the general anaesthetic... Somehow ex-SIL managed to get into the SCBU unit where he was being treated and convince exP to let her cuddle my DS before I had even met him. Other people mauling my babies about has always been a touchy subject since that

I forgot to add. This sometimes gave a massive problem with my own mother. She really wanted to hold my babies.
But I don't think my mother is 100% in her mind. Having problems with her is something I'm used to by now. We now barely have any contact with each other.

One thing she just simply doesn't do is washing her hands after she went to the loo.
I always told her to wash her hands before touching the baby. She almost always became angry at that point.

At the beginning I felt bad about it. As it's still my mum and it sure isn't nice to have an argument with her while holding your newborn in your arms.

It some point I learned to say.
I don't care if you like it or not. It's very dirty not to wash your hands after you went to the loo.
Secondly, if you've done a poo there'll be bacteria on your hands that could be very dangerous to any newborn baby.

Like it or not. This is my house, my baby and if you want to get close to him you're first going to wash your hands.

A friend of ours got a baby and soon her newborn had to go to hospital because he became seriously ill. They done lot's of tests. Turned out to be a bacteria that normally is found in someone's behind and poo. Was what made her baby very seriously ill.

Even after I told her this she still didn't automatically washed her hands after she went to the loo.

Some people can really be so annoying and unbelievable irritating.

You'll have to learn to be nice, but firm with these people.

Very good advice ladies. Thank you.

I know that everyones just excited and that I will appreciate occasionally having someone else (who I trust) hold him to give me a rest, but I'm just very uncomfortable with some people expecting that they will come over and pass my new baby round like a pet bunny rabbit.

I need to get my mama hat on and be firm with them.