Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Who had a baby knowing their partner didn't want one?

58 replies

Sunshine123 · 06/02/2004 22:01

I keep toying with the idea of how nice baby number 3 would be but my dh is not the broody sort and doesn't want anymore. I know that he would have another one to make/keep me happy (he's told me so) but i just don't know if i could knowing that he didn't want it to. Has anyone been in this situation and just got pregnant regardless? He's working loads at the moment and i feel we're drifting a bit and can't help thinking that a third baby would make me so happy and draw us closer together again - but will it if he only does it to keep me happy?

OP posts:

lou33 · 06/03/2005 11:31

Speaking as one who has four, I wouldn't even contemplate a fifth, which is why i was sterilised, but you do always have enough love for your children, it's just time that becomes an issue.

stitch · 06/03/2005 12:03

as one of four, i think it was wondeful to have siblings. i feel really sorry for people who are only children or have only one sibling.they have missed out on a special kind of relationship. and their kids also miss out on the love of all their aunts and uncles and cousins .
i admire someone who has the guts to want a fifth child. love is never a problem,time and money yes, but never love for your child.
and just because other people have fertility problems does not mean that they shoudl be so selfish as to resent other people having babies.

ggglimpopo · 06/03/2005 12:10

Message withdrawn

tigermoth · 06/03/2005 13:28

I never think love runs out in families, only time. And families don't have a monopoly on love, do they? Countless people love each without being part of the same family unit.

samwifewithkid · 06/03/2005 14:33

C4K - I am sorry to be rude to you, but don't you think that 4 kids is enough? Some people in this world can't even have 1! I can't understand a womans need to carry on reproducing and ending up having 8 or so, where do you stop and draw the line? People only had large families years ago because they didn't have contraception facilities. These days we know better. There is only so much love to go around between children and the more you have the less the others get. Is it more for the womans love of babies that people want more and more? I can't understand it. Please don't take this the wrong way I am not being nasty, I just find it something hard to believe.

stitch · 06/03/2005 14:35

why have you posted the same thing threee times,at different times?

samwifewithkid · 06/03/2005 14:35

sorry my PC was playing up and I appear to have posted the same message 3 times! how do I go about deleting 2 of them?

hercules · 06/03/2005 14:35

There are lots of things in your post I dont agree with. What is the problem with someone having 8 kids if that's what they want? What has that got to do with people who cant conceive?
As for not enough love? Do you really believe parents love is limited?
They know better now??? Says who? Maybe, just maybe, perfectly sensible and rational people choose to have more than 4 kids....

stitch · 06/03/2005 14:36

oops, posts crossed!

hercules · 06/03/2005 14:36

My mum has 4 kids and 4 grandchildren. She loves us all.

munnzieb · 06/03/2005 19:03

well my nan, had 6 kids, in turn she has 12 grandchildren, she has and I say this literally, never run out of love for any of us, none of us have been treadted differnetly, none of us flet less loved than any of the others, if anything it's made us call very very close and we all love being part of a big family (except u can't have any secrets!)

I would love a big family (at least 6 but as we're struggling with one I think we'll be limited there.) the fact we know about contraceptives now is irelivant I think, it's up to each couple to decide how many children they want.

sansouci · 07/03/2005 11:22

I did so but it was a calculated risk! I'm ashamed of myself but I love my dh & desperately wanted a child. He has 2 grown-up dds from previous marriage. Knowing that his biggest worry was financing a 2nd family, I took the plunge. We have since had a second child, which we both agreed on. After reading some of the posts on this thread, my advice to other would-be mothers is to find out WHY dh/dp doesn't want a child/more children, reason with him if you disagree but NOT to deceive him or to be prepared to be a single parent! Lies & deceit aren't the best recipe for a parternership. I would also think about bringing a child into the world that is perhaps not wanted by its father... chilling.

psychomum5 · 07/03/2005 11:27

Makes me mad when people seem to think that they have the right to belittle people who have large families!!!!!!

I have five, and love them all equally. Yes I am busy, but no more than when I had just two, and was working. In fact, I am less stressed now!
None of mine seem to get upset about lack of one-to-one with either Me or my Husband, but then that is because we do give them one-to-one when we can. With our girls (3), I go to ballet with them and take them shopping lots one at a time, and the boys do lots with daddy, either one at a time or together.
I have stopped now (DH had the snip after baby no.5), but I certainly don't look down upon those with more...at the end of the day it is their lives, their body, and their time.
ALSO, I have never ever come across a child from a large family who has resented it, if anything they say how great it is at they want it for themselves if finances allow. On the other hand, I come across plenty who complain about being an only child, or just having had one sibling...ie, my M-I-L (only child), my husband (one of two), and me (had half siblings but none that lived with me, so got very lonely)

The amount of critism I have personally had aimed at me and other large families is wrong......maybe if neither of us worked and we lived on benefits then some of that could be expected, but even so it is still their choice etc. I am lucky that we can afford all our kiddies, and afford to treat them pretty much the same as other kiddies, (with the exception of going on a plane, not ventured or braved that one yet ) But then, not all those who just have one take them away on exotic holidays anyway, and I am going off on a tangent anyway here !

The point of the thread is whether someone should fall pregnant without 'trying', and no...I don't think you should. Three of mine were 'accidents'(one being our eldest) ie...missuse of contraception, once being his fault, and altho all ours have been wanted and loved, I don't think that would have been the case if our marriage hadn't been strong. It just isn't worth the risk.

sansouci · 07/03/2005 11:37

Why did this thread turn into a large family debate? That's a completely different issue...

jolly4 · 07/03/2005 11:45

sorry phsycomum5 i think you lost the point the thread was started by sunshine123 about how much she wants another baby but partner dosent an weather any one thought she should just do it knowing he wasnt in agreement not pulling people with large families i admire you for such a lovely large family

valentine5 · 07/03/2005 11:50

hi,im am new to this site ive never used a chatroom brfore but i thought i would give it a go!ive been with my partner 2 years and he has a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship ,although i love my step daughter very much i still feel the need for a child of my own. my partner says he is not ready for another child ,which i can understand as it dident work out with his ex. ive often thought about just getting pregnant without his consent but then i think this would cause more arguments and put a strain on the relationship as its not what he really wants.its hard to think whats the right thing to do when you want something so much xx

psychomum5 · 07/03/2005 11:53

Jolly4, I did loose the point there a bit, I admit , but realised at the bottom, and did answer the Q first asked !!

Thankyou for the admiration tho

sansouci · 07/03/2005 11:57

Welcome, valentine5!

valentine5 · 07/03/2005 12:02

thankyou sansouci you all seem really nice and supportive wirh people and their problems, i feel this could help me alot its nice to chat and have all different points of view.so does anyone agree with sunshine123 that she should just get pregnant i can definatley see it from your point of view it can make you miserable when you want something so much and your partner doesent xx

Gwenick · 07/03/2005 12:03

I spent the 1st 6 months of my engagement 'talking' DH into having a baby, and trying straight after the wedding - he did eventually agree and I fell pg first month of trying. I was over the moon and he was pretty happy too - took him about 4 months to bond with DS1 - but that was partly due to DS1 spending most of his time screaming - so wasn't exactly 'easy' to bond.

He had 'agreed' to another child (because he didn't like the idea of a singleton LOL) but not a for a good while. When DS1 was 2 1/2yrs old I fell accidently pg - a case of a few missed pills and un expected sex (had/have a gynological problem which made intercouse pratically impossible).

I was shocked when I discovered I was pg (although I knew it was a possibilyt) and took a long time to come to terms with it - mainly because I KNEW that DH did't really want another one yet. He was over the moon - thankfully 'helped' me come to terms with it. We both bonded very well with DS2.

I would love another one, but DH has told me catergorically he doesn't want anymore - he was from a large family and hated it and just wants the two. I've 'agreed' (for the time being) but once DS2 starts school in a few years time I may broach the subject again to see how he feels.

However, I would never get pg deliberately knowing that he didn't want another.

jolly4 · 07/03/2005 12:10

saying that thou i am the big 4o this year my dd is only 3 weeks an must admit it has gone throu my mind bout having another child my ds is 7 we left a gap cos i didnt start feeling really broody til ds lost his last baby tooth couldnt leave that long thou but i know wot dp would say valentino5 i think you need too stress too your partner how much you really want children and tell him that the feeling will not go away how old are you? if you dont mind me asking i was 25 when we met an wanted children a couple of years later we spilt up an everything throu this in the early days we are great now ended up falling pregnant when he wanted me back due too me wanting a family good luck xx

valentine5 · 07/03/2005 12:11

i try to talk my partner into having a baby but its like banging my head against a brick wall,i think its because he has a child already but he doesent seem to understand the need for your own child,maybe im just bein selfish but i think women definatley have a stronger need to have a child than men.xx

jolly4 · 07/03/2005 12:12

i was 32 when i had dear son ,generally thou dont you all think that broodiness never goes ?

valentine5 · 07/03/2005 12:12

oh im 23 by the way !

jolly4 · 07/03/2005 12:16

i dont think your bein selfish as too many women on hear would agree it is the most naterel thing in the world i got too the stage were i ended the relationship cos i was still young enough too move on but really wanted children with this man that i loved but he didnt feel the same i am not sayin you need too end your relationship as i did but i think as time goes by you will get what you really want hang in there xxxx

Flip

1 2 3