Big row with DH over smoking :(

[Adreena]

please please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

I'm around 33 weeks pg and I'll start off saying I was a smoker with no intention to give up until I became pg. I haven't touched a cigarette or even any booze since my BFP.

I have been reading advice on smoking after baby us here and I want to know if I've interpreted it correctly. I read that mum shouldn't smoke during pg (obviously!) and that if co-sleeping neither parent should smoke. Does this count for if you have a co-sleeper crib too? I asked DH last night if he would mind refraining from smoking at all (he doesn't smoke indoors anyway) for 6 months after DS arrives until the SIDS risk is considered lower. He said no. I'm absolutely stunned and incredibly upset. He won't look at the research himself and seems more focused on the fact that he feels I'm "telling him what to do" rather than lowering risk to baby.

I've given up for 9 months and will continue to do so after baby is here. Am I reading the advice wrong or taking it too far, which is what he's saying? Is it ok with a co-sleeper crib if one parent smokes outside the house and then shares a room with baby? I am incredibly emotional at the moment and have suffered from OCD in the pregnancy. So I'm struggling to trust my own judgement. Please help :(

I should add that I can be quite controlling (one trait of OCD) and that DH is interpreting this whole situation as one of my controlling episodes. Is there anything I can say to him to make him just see the risks to our little boy? Or am I wrong about the risks and being OTT?

Oh he said no he would agree to stop smoking btw not no he wouldn't mind. Sorry. Bit of a mess this morning

Wouldn't agree - argh!!!

I don't know the full extent as it wasn't applicable for me& my DH but I know that you're meant to wait for an hour after having a cigarette before touching the baby (having washed your hands obviously).

I think your interpretation is correct but as mentioned above I didn't look closely into it as it wasn't applicable for us.

I do feel for you though as that's incredibly unsupportive of your DH since you've given up throughout pregnancy & will continue to give up - for me the risk of SIDS is too scary so would be doing everything to minimise that as much as possible.

All the best with the rest of your pregnancy.

Thank you. That's what I keep saying to him. It's 24 weeks of your life, why wouldn't you stop thinking about "male pride" or whatever it is and just do right by your son?? His reaction has shocked me TBH.

Difficult one as smoking is an addiction, not sure it's so easy for everyone to just give up. Plus it will be a stressful (albeit wonderful) time when your new baby arrives. That said, neither of us smoke and I wouldn't have wanted my baby around a smoker. Maybe ask him to obey the one hour rule, consider giving up with all the health benefits it brings and perhaps not smoking after 4pm (if he works-ie. smoke at work but not at home)

I read an article recently that even talked about third hand smoke affecting baby. So even when parents or anyone else for that matter, smokes outside, when they come in they still have residue in their hair and on their top/clothes, which can be passed onto furniture etc and this is still part of the risk of SIDS as it comes into contact with baby if the person who has just smoked holds the baby or sits on something which baby comes into contact with. Albeit it a small risk its still a risk and the article was talking about how many parents are not aware of third hand smoke risk.

I have a few friends who smoke so sent them the article and mentioned not smoking before they come round and if they do to wash their hands and change their tops. I used to smoke before pregnant but have become pretty protective over baby in that respect as my partners brothers girlfriend who has twins smokes in and out the house and the twins are always coughing and ill. I think smoking is a pretty serious issue when it comes to babies and small children so i'd push it with your DH and show him how serious you are about it.

Try not to stress over it if you can - there is plenty of literature that your midwife will be able to give you that you can share with him.

There is also still time for him to change his mind. You mentioned other 'controlling' things & if you can disassociate the smoking from that, then he'll likely come round (assuming he's a decent bloke).

You could always get the midwife to talk about it at your next appointment - get him to go with you or be there if she does a home visit.

Well done for giving up throughout your pregnancy, you say "mum shouldn't smoke during pg (obviously!)" but apparently plenty of mums still don't see this as obvious. You have done brilliantly and its a shame that your H doesn't see that he has a part to play here too, not only in protecting your baby from the effects of smoke but also by taking better care of his own health so that he is fit and healthy enough to run around with your LO once (s)he is here.

You can't force someone to give up an addiction but perhaps if you send him a link to the information you have read and say "this is why I gave up, hopefully you can see why I think its important for you to change your attitude to smoking for the sake of our baby" he may be able to make the decision for himself.

FWIW, if the baby is on your side of the bed in a separate crib I'm sure your H's having smoked earlier in the evening won't have an impact, but I would definitely stick to a one hour rule, if he's had a cigarette he can't have the baby snuggled up to him, as his clothes, hair and skin will all still have smoke on them. As an ex-smoker you probably notice how much it lingers, but he will be unaware of it.

I should add, however, I've never been a smoker so don't have an appreciation of the addictive side of it, but at least if he'll talk to you about it then you can develop potential strategies together.

I would tell him he has to give up smoking. Period.

If he wont, he has to sleep in the another room.

He needs to change his clothes (top at least) & wash his hands before he handles the baby - as a bare minimum.

I hope he has seen the advert where the woman is smoking 'outside'.

He needs to understand the damage that 'passive' smoking will do to his son - then ask himself if he is prepared to do that to his son or if he is prepared to give it up.

Do you have any friends/family he would listen to?

Thanks for all your replies. I'm still looking through them. I should add I was the "daily" smoker. He is the "social" smoker. Just when he's been out and had a drink. So thus is evening smoking and so no smoking after 4pm wouldn't work I'm afraid :(

Can he switch to an ecig during that time.

Giving up is hard, but an ecig or patches might be a compromise?

I'll bring up the ecig but I'm fairly certain he won't be interested. I think this is linked to his "freedom" now I think about it. Why would you make such a stand when your smoking is only ever linked to going out drinking and there's no addiction there??

Having been a smoker myself (gave up 3 years ago after 10 years of 20-per day habit) I know how frustrating it is when someone tries to tell you to give up. The addiction makes you stubborn, and that no matter what the reason, no one can make you give up. He needs to want to do it himself. The more you bring it up, the more stubborn he could become.

My advice would be to get some literature or information in a leaflet or online, give it to him, let him think over it and make up his own mind. Let it be his choice, and let his own concience battle with it.

I could imagine that every cigarette will be torture when the baby arrives if he knows the risk it could have on his baby.

If you do not get a positive reaction, then you need to take an action to protect your baby (sleep in another room as ChippingIn says).

You're not being over the top at all, but try to control how emotional you get and often you bring it up so he doesn't pass it off as nagging. A calm discussion with a little bit of expert knowledge/advice could get you the desired outcome.

Hi OP

My DH was a "proper" smoker but switched to electronic cigarettes when I became pg this time (DD2 is 11 days old). With DD1 he followed the "no smoking 1 hour before bedtime" rule and would change out of his clothes etc and leave them downstairs, but I think this time is a lot better for the baby, there's no residual smell at all.

E-cigs are a relatively new thing so research into effects etc is hard to come by, but all that comes out is water vapour and nicotine, no tar/smoke/other crap you get with regular cigarettes. I still won't allow him to "smoke" in the same room as the kids though, just in case, but maybe this could be a compromise for you? DH says he hasn't craved cigarettes since (he has tried giving up before) and is actually enjoying these more as you can smoke as little as you want, as opposed to feeling like you have to finish a real cigarette. They cost less too, plus he feels a lot better with his cleaner lungs and has now started playing sports, so I can't recommend them enough.

I would look online at NHS guidance on SIDS and smoking etc and just show him what it says, or as others have said have the midwife talk to him.

Good luck

Nothing to add as the above suggestions are all good and like you say if he is just a 'social' smoker why is it such a big deal to him? Does he have any mates that have little babies? Perhaps they could be used as examples if they've stopped smoking for baby rather than it coming from you?

Anyway what I really wanted to say was a huge congratulations to you for giving up and sticking with it. From what I understand it isn't that easy and it's great you're so aware of what's good for the little one and are putting them first. You'll make a great mum!

Well done you, you have done a wonderful thing for your baby.

If he only smokes when drinking then he shouldn't co- sleep any as you should not drink alcohol and co-sleep.

Hope you aren't too fed up in the heat, I was heavily pregnant this time last year!

If he thinks you are telling him what to do, offer him the choice.

He can either stop smoking, or sleep in a different room. If he continues to smoke, he'll need to change his top afterwards, and will have to wait an hour before holding the baby. He'll be responsible for the extra laundry, too.

Hi KingRollo. I totally understand your opinion here especially as you have a DH who was unable to give up in your own situation. But my DH is a social smoker, ie not even every week. It was me who was the regular smoker (I know my first 4 posts were a bit muddled!). And I'll admit it, I bloody loved smoking!

But I'm putting bubs first. I have had control issues and said to DH just take me out if the equation, read the articles and look at it purely from a health-of-baby situation

IF your DH only smokes on nights out every few weeks then YABU. So once or twice a month he has a night out and sleeps in the spare room. Thats it.

He is BU

I was an ex smoker before dd was concieved and dp was still smoking.

Dp and I had lots of heart to hearts re: smoking and what dds health meant to us.

He packed in for good a month before she was born

And Congratulations on your bfp and quitting smoking suddenly, that is a massive achievement