just found out im pregnant

[pregnant2013]

and i really dont know what to do i've booked in for an aboriton in 3 weeks and im scared the waiting is going to make me change my mind, im 20 and trying to weigh up pro's and con's of having children young
im so scared i regret getting rid of them

What are your reasons for wanting an abortion? Do you have a supportive partner?
I found out 3 weeks ago that I was pregnant and I'm 18. We've decided that keeping the baby is best but I understand that you're feeling scared and alone at the minute. [flower]

Oops that was meant to be

Hello! Make sure you think whatever choice you make through enough, try talking to someone unbiased, think about you and what is best for you

Whichever route you choose to take make sure you talk to someone and really be sure that the decision is truly yours before deciding either way x

I've got a list of pros and cons but its not any easier.
pros
im from a big family and had to help raise 3 of the younger ones
im young so will have more energy and be able to bounce back from pregnancy faster than when im older
ive not exactly got a career plan anyway im just working through my degree through distance learning while working part time
im not with the dad but he wants kids and has a really good job so wants to be there(obviously not as a bf) but as a dad

cons
single parent? but then im very independent and wouldnt like having to answer to someone about my child
going to affect career
in a job without maternity pay
i'd be a huge let down to my family
what if i dont like him/her/they dont like me
giving up social life(which is already minimal as all my friends are off doing their own thing being students)
would i lose my job?
i dont want loads of time off being pregnant i want to be a working mum
everyones going to think im a failure/tart/young mum stereotype that im against but i have judgemental people who think they're perfect here despite having mummy and daddy buy them a car/house and pay their bills
would i have no friends?
i'd want children at a similar age so after one then would i end up wanting more soon after
i could end up being a bad mother
what if they're born with birth defects down to me somehow?

Hi pregnant,

Firstly take a deep breath. Sounds like your head is a whirlwind!

I had my son at 21, I was in a different situation to u, I got married quite young and he was planned (my hubby's family weren't impressed but my mum just said I always knew u would marry and have kids asap as I was always sensible and grown up since birth lol) but I thought it was a great age to have him. And to be honest I didn't find that I was that young compared to most mum's I've met through playgroups etc. I didn't have any friends with children before I was a mum myself but now I have a close nit group of mum friends who are fab. I hate people who say u ruin ur life having children young, it hasn't hindered me at all. I'm 24 now, own my house and we're expecting another baby due November.

I'm not saying its easy being a mum coz its not but I love it! And I understand I'm not a single parent but u seem to have ur head firmly screwed on and want to work after baby etc.

Also people have said some negative stuff to me but I'm happy and my son is happy, that's all that matters.

Just make sure you're 100% on any decision u make, good luck

I had my dd at 19 she is now 8yo. I had a termination booked but was in denial about really being pg and it felt too surreal to make a decision. i got v depressed at 6mo pg and thought i had ruined my life. i had not - but it is really really hard I will not lie to u. i resented losing my freedom at first. And it meant that I had to grow up a lot faster than my friends at uni. It also makes it a bit more complex when u meet someone etc. they will have to take on step parent role.
Also your ex might meet someone who may or may not be cool with a close co parenting arrangement (the latter happened to me and it sucked).

I was happy as single parent however and had lovely friends who helped (family far away). Now I am very happy with my partner. Of course I love my dd and she is a big part of who I am now but I don't think that either decision would have been "wrong", just different. I have a good career but am junior level so it's hard to compete with other people who don't have kids yet. On the other hand I am very motivated organised and healthy (not many big nights out!). If I had met my partner earlier I would have liked to have another child at uni but now it's hard to see how I can without sacrificing some career (I feel I lose all the advantage of having a child young if I have another now!). Just some factors to consider.

Not trying to convince you one way or the other just sharing my own experience hope it helps in some way. Life is what you make of it! Whatever your decision you can cope and you will. Good luck.

Oh and remove the judgey factor from your list. People who judge you are morons. Most people who I meet are so flipping impressed that I've got 2 degrees and a great job and managed not to give up on all that just cos I was a young mum.

Also bear in mind that if you want to travel or live abroad in the future it will be harder to do as you will need to consider your child's education and also how he or she will see their father.

A lot of your cons list seems to be things you are afraid of, rather than specific downsides - afraid of people judging, not liking your baby, losing your job etc, do you have anyone in real life you can talk these fears through with?

It would be worth you doing some research into the practical side of things, particularly the job situation. Is there anyone at work, eg in HR, you could talk to about maternity provisions? Depending how long you have been working, you will be entitled to statutory maternity pay and leave (in other words, you can go on maternity leave for up to a year and can't lose your job because of it). This isn't something that it is optional for your workplace to offer, it's by law.

I'm sure you won't lose all the friends you have, though friendships might change, but you would almost certainly make new friends through baby/toddler groups etc.

Do as much research as you can into what you're facing, and make sure that whatever decision you make it is your decision, made for the right reasons, and not just because you're scared.

(((hugs)))

I always felt my 20s were for me to enjoy. But you will get that time back sooner than older mothers. I do think that being a single parent is incredibly lonely. You need to talk it through with someone you trust and respect. Try not to get carried away with the daydreamy baby stage and think more about the reality of being a parent day to day. Once you have a baby everything is focused on your child's needs. This is hardwork for all parents, but potentially much harder alone.

Do you have dreams to travel? Or train to do a particular career?

i think i want to have this baby. like i dont want to travel there's no dream career im working towards my degree then may got into a job to do with health i.e dietician but i wont be qualified til 3 years via this distance learning/go into college when i want course. i could bounce back from the physical effects of having a child aswell so energy wise i would be more active with them.

While it's sensible to consider all the obstacles you might have to overcome, I think decisions like this should be made primarily by the heart, not the head. Otherwise you may regret it, as you say. If it's what you want you will find a way to make it work. Good luck!

Please don't make the mistake of feeling 'pushed' into a decision based on what you think others might think of you. I was 16 when I had my daughter and the ONLY reason i even considered an abortion was because I was so worried what everybody else would think of me.

My daughter is now a beautiful, smart and confident 14-year old, and I have two degrees, my own home, my own car and a good job that I enjoy- and me and my partner (same bloke!) are expecting our second child in October.

Nobody's life EVER works out the way they expect/ hope/ want, so do what feels right for you and you only. Whatever you decide should your choice and based on your thoughts and feelings- not Miss Nose-in-the-Air from number 25 (believe me I've encountered my fair share of ar*eholes!).

You will be FINE!!

im just scared financially. im starting to get excited about it but i've been having pains so i dont want to get my hopes up

Some pains are normal in early pregnancy so try not to worry too much xx I know the financial side can be scary, but if you ask anyone when the right time financially is to have children, the answer will be never!

In a weird sort of way, this second pregnancy was more scary in the sense we planned it, and so had to weigh up pros/cons, think about money and work etc, whereas my first wasn't planned so we just sort of got on with it (no other option, really!).

But even though the financial situations are completely different between my first and second pregnancies, it hasn't made them any less of a concern.

Hope you are ok xx

im just scared now, what am i expecting at my 12 week scan? i dont know who to tell

Just read your cons list. None of them seem that crucial to me - believe me if you have one baby at 20 there is plenty of time to work and have a career - even if you have more.
Birth defects more common in younger parents, but biologically you are not a young mother.
Forget people judging you. You should be the only judge.

Neither your pros or cons list talks about how you feel about having a baby or having a termination.

How would your family feel? Would they be supportive? Would you really be a "huge let down", having a baby at 20?

Hi OP.

I fell pg with DD at 20, having just moved to a new area to start a new training programme with work. For me I didn't have a choice because I know I could never personally go through with a termination. I support every woman's right to chose but for me personally I knew it wasn't an option. Yes it is hard, yes you do feel judged but I realised 7 months in that the judgement was more in my head than all around me as I believed. 20 is not as young as you feel it is, many of my peers were in relationships with planned pgcies in their early twenties which isn't far off.

I coped well in labour, I bounced back quickly. I also believe doing it this way round works in my favour. I can get the early years out the way and the start working on my career. I won't get to the peak of my career and need to step back in order to have kids like so many of my peers will. I've now had number two so am confident I've finished having kids and I'm so excited about the rest of my life nd the opportunities it holds. I'm also excited about sharing it all with my little family.

You have to think beyond the baby, because whilst tough you will get through that bit. Think beyond that. Can you envisage your future with a little boy or girl by your side? If that image fills you with an excited 'right' feeling then I think you've leant towards continuing this pgcy. If it leaves you cold then maybe now isn't the right time for you to have a baby, and that's ok too. It's entirely your decision.

"I'm so excited about the rest of my life nd the opportunities it holds. I'm also excited about sharing it all with my little family. "
Stop. I'm snivelling like a baby.
OP, good luck with whatever you decide. If you really feel like you don't want a baby right now or really really couldn't cope then a termination is the right thing. My previous posts have been quite one sided, bt it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks - you're the only person to decide.

stealth

i think i want to have this baby

I think that this is the key thing that you've said. If you are feeling, in your heart, that you want the baby, then you will find a way to work the other stuff out. Don't feel pressured either way by society, you are the one who needs to be at peace with the decision you make.

im really worried with these cramps what pain killers can i take? i've put of taking any just in case. when did most people tell their family? guy involved that they were pregnant?

you can take paracetamol (assuming that would usually be your painkiller of choice) but you should see soemone