How do you know what to do with the baby?

[ComtessedeFrouFrou]

So I've started to think about what will happen after the baby is born. I'm not sure I had really connected the pregnancy bit with the fact that we will have a baby at the end of it

How do you know what to do with the baby? We've signed up for NCT antenatal classes, but those seem to focus on the birth, rather than what the hell you do with the baby when you bring it home.

Should I get a book? Read something else? Sign up for a different sort of course?

You respond to its needs so if it sounds or looks like it needs something check bum, offer milk, windit then cuddles.

You gaze at them lovingly and lay them on your chest.

They need to go back to sleep after abou 30mins awake time (at the max, neeborns are awake for about ten mins at a time), so either lay them down to sleep near you or let them sleep on you.

Change their bum after every feed and take as long to wind them as it takes to feed them.

You feed it, change it, bathe it, cuddle it and love it! Its really that simple!

Trust me it will seem so natural that you will wonder what the hell you did with your time before it arrived!

Not daft at all. Wish I'd thought of that whilst pregnant! There are lots of books on raising the baby. I really liked gina ford, contented little baby ( a lot of people hate this book as feel its too prescriptive, I swear by it but really is a personal choice thing) and baby whisperer.

To be honest you don't really you kind of just make sure its fed, clean, not too hot or cold, or try and get it to sleep - these few things will take over your life!!!

There are lots of books out there but be warned none of them are gospel and you just take from them what works for you.

The ones I found useful were the baby whisperer and the contented little baby book, but then I need structure and routine to stay sane!!

Buy Sears baby book www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-Book-Sears-Parenting-Library/dp/0316778001

Read.

Follow your instincts.

(The book prepares you for some of the unexpected stuff like new born baby girls developing breasts)

The baby cries and you do stuff to stop it, then it sleeps and wakes up by crying and the cycle starts again

More usefully nct do new baby courses too I believe

I spent my pregnancy wondering the same thing and getting really irritated by people telling me, "It's all natural, you'll get the hang of it in no time." I didn't find it natural but i spent a lot of time on MN asking stupid questions and did eventually get the hang of it.

I also got a couple of general baby care books out of the library, but moanymandy above is about spot on :)

You don't know. You just guess until something makes it stop crying. Then you feel like a good parent for getting it right. Then the baby cries again.. etc etc. At the beginning it is all guess work. It starts to make sense a few weeks/months in.

If it squeaks you insert a nipple. you keep its bum clean and you try to encourage it to sleep. Sometimes, quite rarely at first, it will be awake but not hungry or tired so you cooo at it and talk to it. In a few months you can play with toys with it.

I think the Mumsnet book on babies is really good for explaining the early days. Some other books are good - I had one called "Baby - the all important first year" and that was broken up into stages and very useful. There was also a week-by-week one which was fairly good.

You MNet a lot I found Lucy Atkins' book brilliant - there's no schools of thought it in, just a really sensible round up of some basics and different ideas.

I would say it's probably best not to have too many preconceived ideas about what you're going to do. Some babies want to be held and carried 24 hours a day, some don't. Some babies know how to nap, some babies don't. Some babies love routine, some babies love going with the flow. Give yourself a few weeks or months and if you feel something isn't working or either you or the baby aren't happy, do a little asking or reading about ways to deal with it.

I have a Miriam Stoppard book.

I don't know how MN feels about her but its a very lovely book

Well the truth is...you really don't have a clue! Nobody does but at least the fact that you're aware of it means it won't be such a shock when it becomes apparent that you don't have a flippin clue! Honestly, it's much harder on those who go into it thinking they've got it all sussed! Just feed them, change them, make sure they're not too hot or too cold and give them lots of cuddles and snuggles. Make sure you eat and sleep when they do. Bugger the housework or anything else along that vein that once seemed important.

The first 3 mths are the hardest. You are exhausted beyond every expectation and sometimes feel like you're losing your mind especially if you have one who doesn't sleep. Oh and your marriage may come to the brink so make sure you find time to laugh and enjoy the windows of absolute joy because there will be many! Congratulations! It's bloody hard work but bloody amazing too!

I've actually been you tubing some of the practical stuff like bathing, holding, nappy changing, I am so clueless!

It isn't natural - its a whole flipping science. Get a range of books and don't just follow the one that makes it sound easy. I liked the one called something like 'what to expect the first year'. Also trust your instincts. And hope you get an easy baby. :) and be aware that millions of people will pop up out of he woodwork to offer advice, wanted or unwanted, so you won't be alone with your dilemmas. Enjoy it!

You might be one of the lucky ones who finds it all 'natural' or you might be one of the many who finds it more of a challenge like me then.

Here's a handy checklist:

1. Might be hungry. Insert boob/teat.
2. Still crying? Might be nappy. Change nappy.
3. Still crying? Might be tired. Rock, cuddle, carry around.
4. Still crying? Might be hungry again.

Repeat until baby sleeps! Then feed/clean yourself and get supplies in for the next round of battle (if baby isn't asleep on you that is).

All I did in the early days was try to stop DS1 crying! Funnily enough I didn't notice it half as much with DS2, probably because my life had already been turned upside down by that point

After a few weeks you will have a rough handle on it and will be able to change a nappy blindfolded, honest. Do accept help - there are no prizes for suffering in motherhood!

Thanks. I anticipate feeling a bit clueless, but its things like when do I change the nappy, when do you do tummy time, what should the baby wear (how many layers) etc.

Someone recommended the What to Expect the First Year. Is that any good? I'll have a look at the Lucy Atkins book as well. I'm the sort that likes to have done some preliminary research

Change the nappy after each feed. Only need to do it inbetween that if it poops.

Tummy time - forget aboutthis for the firstthree months at least as baby will either be lay on your chest (which counts) or lay in its bed.

Layers: when its cool out, one more layer than you. When its warm out, one less layer than you.

XP with Yika.

I'd like to think it will all be quite instinctive (I seem to be ok ish with other people's kids) but is suspect that the combination of tiredness and own baby panic will make all that fly out of the window!

Glad that book was helpful - I had a quick flick in Waterstones at the weekend, seemed quite helpful.

You can always get a few of the different types of books and read around about the different schools of parenting - flick through Gina Ford, Baby Whisperer, and maybe someone can recommend an attachment parenting style book too. I'm a fan of background research too, and I liked having a few ideas before the baby came. Personally I really liked the Supernanny book, but it's essentially just the same as the Baby Whisperer, a rolling, flexible 3 hour-ish routine that just helped to give a bit of structure to your day.

If it helps, I honestly didn't realise that babies were supposed to sleep that much. DD couldn't get herself to sleep in the day, we thought they were only supposed to have a few catnaps God, I can still remember how everything got better overnight once I realised I just needed to encourage DD to sleep every hour or two!

Personally, I didn't like the 'what to expect' books at all. But, I know they're very popular.
Nappy changing really depends on whether you breast feed or bottle. BF babies can poo almost constantly and it looks like it has seeds in it. Don't be alarmed at this-it freaked me out until the HV explained it was normal.

Oh and on that subject, depending upon who does your NCT classes they might wax lyrical about how natural BF is and what a beautiful thing it is etc. Now, I've had 4 kids and BF them all but it really isn't always this beautiful natural thing for the first few days/wks with your first baby. It is tricky and awkward and can be confusing for both you and baby. It also hurts when you first latch them on. This can be toe curling but only lasts for about 10seconds for the first few weeks. But just be prepared and don't listen to any, 'oh if you're doing it right it won't hurt.' Nonsense.

And remember, it's obviously indisputable that breast is best and I was lucky to give mine up to 8mths but it just might not work out for you for whatever reason and if that's the way it goes then don't beat yourself up over it. If you're struggling in the early days try and get support from a BF counsellor and with their help you can get through the early days but if it doesn't work out you are not a bad mother.

Re the classes, I was irrationally angry at the time that we went for 4 bloody sessions and they all focused on labour and birth.

You'll probably cover a tiny bit of that stuff in the NCT course - how to change a nappy at least, but you won't believe most of what they tell you.

What NCT is really for, is gaining a bunch of friends who you text at 4am, 6am, etc etc and you see what they're doing about the same problem.

And you meet your NCT friends in the pub/coffee shop, where you form a comforting huddle to have a go at feeding in public, and then you meet them in the local park at 11pm when you're trying to get your little darlings to go to sleep by pushing them around in the pram.

I liked the Lucy Atkins book as well - a friend passed it on to me, and it seemed the most sensible, realistic and unbiased of the ones I'd seen.

Good luck!

Thanks. As you say, we've mostly joined NCT for the contacts and I've been around MN long enough not to take whatever the class teacher says as gospel truth.

I've reserved a couple of the books from the library, so that will give me some bedtime reading.

2 books with totally opposite philosophies: Gina Ford's "Contented Little Baby", and Penelope Leach's "Your Baby and Child". I've taken very useful stuff from both at different times.

I was not a "maternal" person. Not keen on babies and had not really met any, apart from my youngest brother (big age gap). Somehow, it did come pretty naturally. Cuddle it, feed it, change it. That's about it really when they're new. As they get more complex you get more experienced to keep up with them. Nothing can prepare you for the sleep deprivation, and how every problem is massively magnified at 3 am. But nothing will prepare you for how suddenly capable and strong it will make you, and how you will feel about the baby. Maybe not love at first sight (it wasn't with mine), but fierce protectiveness and awe.

Good points. But there's no instruction manual. I thought all newborns were supposed to sleep 50% or more of the time. My didn't. I thought I was doing something wrong. Wasn't until a midwife spent 2 hours trying to settle him and failed that I realised its just a guideline and some babies are awake a lot.

And its not because you are doing something wrong ! No one rule fits them all so don't beat yourself up if your baby deviates from the instruction manual you got from the library.