PIL - want to come over for 2 weeks from due date!

[islingtongirl]

Age old problem but getting a bit stressed....PIL live overseas and obvs excited about arrival of Baby mid August... But OH has told me they have booked off 2 weeks to come over from my due date...they are keen not to "miss" baby and also obsessed with coinciding it with a bank hols weekend in their country...

But what if baby is 2 weeks late? Then I have to sit around with them all day every day waiting and when she comes they will have to leave anyway...his MIL will drive me mad and also they don't get to see baby much. And if she comes on time or early then they will be there from the beginning ALL THE TIME while I am trying to get to grips with being a new mum (first baby), I'm just dreading it. I have expressed my concerns to OH, who understands, apparently, but keeps saying how they are just excited and want to see the baby. They have booked flights already! I just feel so out of control , i don't want to offend/annoy them but even my own parents who live in the UK aren't going to come and visit until Im ready. At experience/suggestions!?

Are the staying with you? I would be making damn sure they were in a hotel to give you a bit of breathing space. Don't have much advice other than that. Best of luck!

No I think we have agreed they won't be staying but they will be just around the corner...

Set ground rules before they come so they know what to expect.

They can visit, once or twice a day, for an hour at a time
You won't be cooking any meals or waiting on them/entertaining them
They can't be in the house while the midwife or HV is there to see you
They can't visit in the first day or so you are back from the hospital

The baby being late and you having to entertain your PILs will be the bigger issue - I think you/your DH need to make clear that you will be using the last week or two before the baby is born to rest, you aren't up for visitors so they need to entertain themselves during the day and you can meet up with them once a day for a meal or something.

Thanks Cloverer that's good advice, agree biggest issue is if baby is late. Ugh - I had a feeling this would happen and now it is!

My mother invited herself to stay for my due date weekend
(im planning a home birth, and even she knows i dont want people there, just my OH and ONE of the 2 midwives (other can stay in next room and come in if medically needed)

My mum gave me the option that she could stay in the hotel that is literally next door (our house is built in what was its garden)

I told her to stay at home (5 hours away) and come when i invited her
OHs parents live

I'm frankly appalled that they have booked their flights without consulting you and your DP to be honest. I would be tempted to be quite rude to them. Certainly if it was my parents they would be getting an unhinged earful from me! If they are that excited to see the baby, why not go on Skype for the first couple of weeks rather than come over, they are honestly not going to 'miss' that much by turning up a bit later!

My parents live abroad and I was very anxious about them coming over too soon after the birth. They are OK but only in small doses. I am lucky in that they appreciated my concerns and accepted my request that they wait until the baby was a month old to come over, knowing that they would be staying with us for a week and a half at the very minimum. Turned out to be a very much needed month of rest because I made a very slow recovery and could not have coped with long-term visitors when it took me three weeks to feel vaguely human again and start feeding myself properly.

Like Cloverer said, I would sit down with DP and agree some ground rules between the two of you that you can trust him to enforce against all odds (you will be way too tired and busy to want to have to deal with it yourself). I hope for your sanity that they do not stay with you, and I would ask them what their expectations are of what they are going to do during their stay and whether they are reasonable. If they think they are just going to sit in your lounge and hold the baby or take it out for the duration of their stay, well you can tell them straight away to have a re-think as they will have to find other ways to entertain themselves.

I know I sound a bit harsh but I think their expectation that they can just turn up without first checking with you is quite disrespectful to you regardless of how excited they are about the prospect of a grandchild.

How rude to just book like this with no discussion and just expectations.

You do NEED to lay down some ground rules now they have done this.

They have cut their own nose off in this case by being over zealous in their selfish plans they have made entirely to suit them with little or no consultation with you. If they had arranged to come 3 weeks after due date they would have got more time with baby but this way they wont and its tough shit for being so thoughtless.

All you can do now is decide what is acceptable to you and dont be pressurised into anything and lay it down to them. I would go as far as politely saying - had they discussed it with you beforehand you would have suggested X date onwards for their visit as you would have been in a more extablished routine and able to have them visit more but that because you will have only just had baby you want some private time to adjust etc etc.

They need to be told.

I feel very strongly about this because my ILs did pretty much the same. We were in North Scotland and they were 8 hours drive away. They decided to visit and then arrived a day early. They were totally excited and over the moon about DD1 arrival but had no idea on boundaries privacy or space.

Here I am with DD1 who is 15 yo in a few months and I am still steaming and resentful and reading something like this really sets me off.

Be firm now how ever hard it is or you will spend a life time regretting it like me.

God there are tons of these threads right now! Not that I meqnto diminish your situation OP, just that there are so many fucking unreasonable PILs!! Agree you have to set some ground rules if you can and make your DH stand up to them - don't let him make you the bad guy!

Hey islingtongirl and everyone else - I understand your anxiousness. We live in a 1 bed flat and OH's parent live abroad. They have booked a week after the due date which I am fine with, I know they are very excited to be grand parents - this will be their first. I am not sure what they think the plans are, but I was worried so decided to broach the subject with OH the other day - handled it super badly. Said I thought they should stay in a hotel when they come to visit and he looked a bit miffed. I said you haven't even thought about it yet have you? I was amazed that he'd think it would be ok to have them stay in the bloody living room while we have a new born. Ending up having a blazing row on the high street with me storming off! We've simmered down a bit now...Oh the good times to come! :)

Your pils are being unreasonable but so is your OH! I would say no, it's a bad idea etc. I would HATE this. they must be completely socially inept and it sounds like your oh has inherited it!

say you'll let them know when baby is here and then arrange for them to visit. They will walk over you for ever after this if you go ahead. Just say no - it's THEIR problem they booked flights, not yours

Think advice about setting ground rules is pretty good.

I'm lucky I think as my PILs are in South Africa and have checked when they can come and visit. We were already expecting them in September before telling them about pregnancy. I'm due 29th November and I was fully expecting MIL to want to change trip dates but she has been really good, is sticking with Sep and has asked if fine to come in May again (also OH and SIL birthdays that month) which is fine.

My DM will be the one wanting to visit lots I think. My parents live about 2 hours away but she is retired and can come and visit lots. I think she should be reasonable about it though, fingers crossed.

It is first grandchild for both sets of parents so understandably very excited.

I would tell them what you want and make them stick to it - this is no time to be worrying about offending anyone! And you will only resent for years if you give in.

We live abroad and have said no visitors for 4 weeks, and have booked an apartment for them to stay in when they do visit. And they are generally lovely too!

If its your first, you are likely to be late. I was 2 weeks, as were most of my friends.

I let my pils stay with us when my first was born, and like others, I still feel resentful 5 years later. My dh was putting out nibbles and wine and cooking for them where he should have been helping me with the baby. I had to wait outside the bathroom (bleeding from my stitches) whilst fil spent an hour pithering in the bath. I wish I had stood up to dh and pil, I still think they lack a serious amount of appreciation to have done that, I would never do this to anyone!!
Stand up for yourself. This is your and dh's experience, not theirs, as harsh as that sounds. Or at the very least, hotel, limited visiting hours around your requirements, no cooking for them, them cooking for you and washing up etc.

Thanks for everyones replies on this. I am definitely going to agree some ground rules with OH like the ones suggested. We talked about it on sat night and he says he is quite stressed about it too...I've heard him on the phone to them and he has done a lot to try and persuade them that if they come later we will be more settled and they wont risk missing the baby but they wont budge. MIL apparently said FIL was quite annoyed/upset that we were trying to put them off but tbh I don't know how much that is really her just using him as an excuse as she is pretty...headstrong they are now planning to come for a week from due date or so then some time in europe and fly back home from there...i just don't get it, if I'm 2 weeks overdue they will completely miss baby, i just don't understand their logic at all. Tbh I dont really want anyone coming, even my own parents, until we are ready - and my own parents wont unless I say so, altho they are in UK (albeit a few hundred miles away) so easier. Ugh. Looks like Im stuck with it anyway, a week of being watched like a ticking time bomb no doubt!

They sound rather selfish and I would be pretty certain that if you dont have the baby before they due to go onto europe then they wont go.

They are determined to be there for the birth and your first few days by the sounds of it - no matter what.

You will need some very very rigid ground rules and make sure your DH fully understands what you will not find acceptable.

I would strongly suggest that you ring them and be quite clear that they are not to come to your home at all until you say so. Tell them - don't ask them - to cancel the flights. Tell them they are being selfish. Do not care if it upset them. Do not care if you are rude. If you don't do this, they will ruin what should be a lovely time for you, your DH and PFB.

The first few days of being a family are precious. You can never get them back again.

If the PIL ignore you - don't let them in. There is no point in having rigid ground rules. I can guarantee they will be ignored.

Completely agree with ginderella.

I recently started a similar thread about my PILs coming over from abroad. My DH has since told them to cancel flights and only book them once the baby is here. Yes it may be more expensive and might not coincide with the bank holidays but their wants need to take second place and yours first right now.

I told my DH that I was worried about PND and also if anything goes wrong with the baby, or having a caesarian, or problems establishing breastfeeding - I really do not want a couple of people I don't really know in my house trying to snatch my baby off me in any of these situations!

Mine are now coming for a week when the baby is 6 weeks, and staying in a local bnb. If the baby is crying in the night and I'm not coping I dont want them either jumping up to show me what I'm doing wrong or laying in bed listening.

If yours are annoyed at cancelling flights then its really not your problem, they shouldn't have presumed that it was ok.

For this one short time, you need to be the one making the decisions and not letting people impose their - less important - needs on you and your baby.

I agree with Ginderella - put your foot down and put it down hard. This is YOUR baby, YOUR time with your newborn and what you DON'T need is two, clearly unreasonable people wanting to gate crash this time for their own selfish needs. So it's their grandchild, big whoop. More importantly, it's YOUR baby. You make decisions and if you don't, you'll regret it forever and it will forever be a bone of contention.

I live overseas and when I had DS my own parents didn't even come over for 3 weeks at their own suggestion. DM knew that this time was ours to enjoy pfb and really learn how to be a family together. DMil arrived 3 days after my parents left and she was great too, helped out loads but never over imposed even though she was staying in our place.

They need to be told that this isn't about them and to wind their necks in.
Good luck!

I had exactly this situation. i am sorry but it is very stressful. ds1 was five days late so they only had five days and we were in hospital the whole time. first thing is don't be made to feel guilty if he is late. I felt terribly guilty which made the last few days worse. after ds1 was born I did not give a toss! I had a gorgeous boy and it was tough that they got to spend hardly any time with him. moral of this story: stay away from them if you can around your due date as guilt is inevitable but afterwards you won't care. their loss. oh and they won't learn. it took until ds3 for them to cotton on and come six weeks after my due date

I would also tell them a firm no - and insist they book 6 weeks after you due date. this means that even if you are two weeks over, you have a month to get used to your little family with baby. Your DH needs to understand . it is now all about your new little family, and they come first - including your wishes, above his parents. So if you say no, then that is no. I also live abroad, and my parents have been very considerate and are coming when i have asked them . Actually at first they wanted to come right near due date, but I said a flat no - and they took it on board. I explained I may go over, and want to have some time with my DH and dog all together getting used to each other and bonding. It is our first child - we will never get this time again.

My PIL are very opinionated (well MIL) - I expect she will want to camp out near the hospital. I have told DH that if i do not want to see them until we get back from hospital then that is the case. I might feel like crap, be bleeding, and just want to be with our daughter on my own. I don't want to have to 'host' in a hospital bed. And he will back me up with that.

I will be honest, when we got married, we had a bit of a humdinger of a row about the in laws, with me saying WE are the family now and I take priority over your mother - and that includes small things like sitting in the front of the car if we are all in the car together - she always went straight for the front and expected Dh to open door etc for her, or pull her chair out to sit down first. Well that has all stopped now. Honestly - you will never forgive them in your heart and it will affect future relationships with them - if you don't tell them no if you are uncomfortable. Who cares if they are upset - YOU are upset - and you are the mother to be!!!!!! You can use some medical stuff to back you up to DH - explain about bonding time, with him, you etc. And this will affect him too. Google some stuff to help if you need it by reputable medical sites or get midwife to give you some literature. He needs to strap on a pair. Believe me - I am still simmering about MIL and our wedding - and so you just need to say no, end of. It is perfectly reasonable, and say you think you could go over anyway, that 6 weeks after due date is better all round, time to bond for you etc. and that is it.

Good luck!!!!

I played the "obviously you know what having a newborn is like and this is my first but I've heard that it's hard going at first. Did you find that? Did you have visitors?" And I got her story and she also realised what she was doing and backed off. However, I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't be afraid to put your foot down. I also wouldn't wait for DP. As the mother of their grandchildren you can have your own relationship with them which might well involve you telling them to back off/stop giving unwanted advice/feeding sweets whatever. You shouldn't feel guilty. Relaxed parents help the baby to relax. So you can say you are doing it for your lo and it would totally be true. It's your family with your DP and LO and your call, not PIL. Good luck!

going to be hard going at first woops.

This happened with my sister, my dad lived abroad & booked to come home a week before her due date & stay for 3 weeks (though not at her house). Anyway sods law dictates that she went the full 2 weeks over. Baby arrived in the nick of time & dad got to visit them in hospital for an hour before heading to the airport to catch his flight home!

If u can convince them to delay their trip even by just 2 weeks it'd be a sensible idea!x