please don't flame me- I don't think I want this baby

[quertas]

I'm sat here in tears hoping someone can offer some advice. I'm sorry for the long post and I've name changed for this because I don't want to out myself. I'm 29 weeks pg with a second DC and hating every minute of it. I have a 2 year old DD who I adore and this is... was... a wanted baby. I got pg first time of trying and I guess I wasn't expecting to get pg so soon. I was thinking it would take months if it happened at all. First time we had unprotected sex, bingo, pg.

At first I was pleased but as time's gone on I've realised I have no feelings for this baby at all. He moves and I find it irritating and wish he'd stop (he moves a lot). I resent being this fat and tired and ugly and everything that is going wrong with my body, which feels like all the minor and not so minor pregnancy niggles - sickness, tiredness, ringing in my ears, backaches, headaches, sleeplessness, you name it. I hate that I've hard to give up doing so many of the things I enjoy for this pregnancy and resent every minute I have to spend doing pregnancy related crap. DH has recently taken a new job and works a 2 hour commute away so, I hardly ever get to see him anymore. He didn't want a second child particularly but agreed to my request on the basis it'd make me happy. Now I find it hard to say I'm not happy.

I have literally no-one to talk to, about this or anything else, as I work from home a lot, and can go days without seeing anyone else other than DH for an hour or so in the evening. My family and I don't get on and in any case they live a long way away. I've only seen a midwife twice so far and not the same one so I don't feel like I can talk to them. When I have seen them they always have a student there and just chat between themselves - fair enough they have to learn, I'm not whinging- but it makes it hard to ask anything you don't already know the answer to. And in any case I'd be scared to. What I (don't) feel about this one is nothing to do with what I do feel about my DD and I worry that people might think I'm crap with her too. Matters are not helped I suppose by the fact that DH has to go away for a conference for a week abroad (he really does have to) about a month after this one's due date and I'm dreading being on my own with a newborn and DD.

I'm trying to shop for baby clothes and stuff we need and I find it so off putting. With DD I shopped and prepared and painted and wondered about what she'd look like and picked out things for her carefully. With this one, I haven't given him a minutes thought really. I sorted through some old sleepsuits of DDs that never made it to the charity shop for the least girly and that's kind of been it. People ask if we've got a name picked out and when DD was at this stage, yes I had, for sure and was passionate about the issue. With this one, no, haven't thought. All I can think about is how much this is going to ruin the time I have with DD and how worried I am that I won't like this one because he's taking time away from my DD.

What the hell is wrong with me? Does anyone else feel so disconnected?

I can't offer any help but didn't want to not answer. I've heard of antenatal depression which I think is like PND but during pregnancy so it sounds like it could be that which is completely not your fault

Speak to your midwife. It's probably more common than you think and cbt or something may be able to help.

GO and see your GP. It does sound like antenatal depression.

Best of luck.

It may be AND...or it may be that the second pg is just that much harder with your other child to deal with, and the wonder and the newness of it is just not there.

I hated my second pg, but as soon as ds2 came out I totally and completely fell in love with him. And have remained so. Despite the fact that the only reason I ever contemplated another was to give ds1 a sibling.

I'm sorry that you find yourself feeling this way, its really awful isn't it.
The main thing I would say (based on my own experience) is to go and see your Gp and tell them all this. I am pregnant with my 'longed for' 2nd DC and I found (find) myself feeling very very similarly to this; after a very difficult GP appt where I spent nearly an hour in tears she has referred me to a perinatal psychiatrist with both antenatal depression and Post Traumatic shock disorder as a result of my DC1's birth and early days! - I never expected that!
What I am saying is that there may be a psychological reason why you are feeling this way and it would be good to have a proper chat with someone about it.
Oh and my midwives are near to useless too, I don't think they are 'trained' much to deal with women with a-typical feelings sadly. I now don't tell them anything psychological about my progress, I just say I am fine when I have to see them to be measured etc.

Tbh I didn't enjoy a single minute of my pregnancy, didn't really want to be pg but dh insisted (I even kept taking pill) and I can honestly say that only now dd is 1 that I am actually enjoying motherhood. I think it's such a daunting thing having a baby and we put so much pressure on ourselves - I would never have abortion tho unless the baby was unwell

I felt a bit like this when pg with dc2. We also conceived very quickly so I never felt like I had time to process or "catch up" with becoming a mum again.
The early weeks after the birth were tough. I worried a lot about dc1 as well.
BUT
I can honestly say now that dc2 is the love of our lives every bit as much as dc1. DH and I often marvel at how worried I was during the pregnancy and how unengaged we both felt.
Because now we are all smitten and I'd even have a third.
Good luck. Don't be too hard on yourself. Bonding takes time and will happen eventually, I promise!

I agree with the others, please go and see your gp.

I've been there and it really does sound like and. I got pregnant at the first try, oh was lambing and so I never saw him, it was a huge shock and mentally I just couldn't cope any more.

But once I'd open up to them they were brilliant. The trust had a specialist mental health midwife who was lovely, and held my hand when I found out I was having a girl and I just cried, she got me some counselling with a former neonatal nurse who was great.

No-one judged me or felt I couldn't look after her, but they did get the health visitor lined up with extra support if I needed it.

Please go and talk to them, they really can help. And you're not alone either.

I second all the advice above...

And if you are feeling lonely why don't you see if your local NCT has a bumps and babies group you could join. Meet some other knocked up ladies.

I had severe SPD and pregnancy rhinitus, I felt like I was trapped in my mountainous fleshy body, had panic attacks at 4am (I was also working and had a 2 year old) and I literally counted the days til birth. I had severe baby blues which fortunately lifted when DD was 20 days old, and from then on life has been very good.

How you feel now does not necessarily have any bearing on how you will feel when you have the baby.

Please, please listen to the people telling you to speak to your doc. If there is a female doc at your surgery please see her - some of the old boys in some GP surgeries still don't believe in 'women's problems'.

Big hugs

Just wanted to give you

Please don't worry about speaking to your GP. I was mortified at being made to go by DM when I clearly had PND but he was so lovely and he got it all sorted so easily. I only wish I had gone sooner.

The fact that you posted shows you care. You just feel all wrong and it's not your fault.

Please talk to your midwife or your GP, I was diagnosed with ante-natal depression and everything suddenly made so much more sense - what you're describing sounds like me 2 months ago. It is not your fault, you're not doing anything wrong, and if you feel this way then the right people need to know so that they can help you.

My baby was unplanned and I don't always feel able to complain because people will say things like well you brought this on yourself didn't you? and other 'helpful' crap. It's good to have someone objective to talk to.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, I hope things pick up, I have every faith that they will.

I didn't give my 2nd pg much thought til I couldn't see my feet at 7mths. Didn't have time too. Most days tbh I forgot I was pg! I didn't feel nearly as connected to it til I chose a name. Then it gained personality. I panicked at 7-9 mths what a new dd would mean. Had I made an awful mistake? Had I broken my family irretrievably? Would dd forgive me? Would dh? Would I?

I gave birth in jan. I worried needlessly. It's different but I still get special time with each and together. It's not easy but my fears didn't come true. I'm very blessed ultimately, 2 beautiful dds to cuddle.

Good luck, hugs x

i can relate... but im only 10+2 so im not feeling movements yet. long story but.... ive not long split with my ex (dad) as he got nasty and jealous and said some pretty vile things to me. ever since, ive become abit disconnected too, as this baby i feel is a reminder of him (and his words). i briefly thought about termination but after researching it (and the procedures) i just couldnt bear to do it. i feel i helped make this baby so i must take responsibility now... but thats what led to that feeling... anxiety and just no bonding feeling... though im not sure how ill feel once i get kicks..

beware though cos it could be antenatal depression cropping up... ive had postnatal depression with each of my three and its well worth asking for help.

all the best

Also I think I ws just scared not depressed. What do u think u r?

I agree you should discuss your feelings with your GP. At the same time, it is I am sure very normal to feel differently about your second pregnancy. I know lots of wonderful parents who could not imagine how they could love their second child like their first, and feared how the second child would upset the nice family life they had got going.
I bet you are exhausted from being pregnant and doing so much care of your first born which is why pregnancy symptoms that were fun the first time are annoying now. Here's a thought: I would have hated to be an only child and giving your older a playmate will (most of the time) be a brilliant thing for her.

I feel sort of the same - pregnant with dc3 very soon after dc2s first birthday.

Dp and i both went into shock and are still not 100% with the pregnancy

What has helped me feel as though i'm bonding has been buying for the baby - almost everything was bought by 16 weeks and now i'm 22 weeks and we know its a dd2 i've been buying her clothes etc.

I still don't have a rush of love for her like i did for dd1 or ds - dd1 was my first precious baby and ds was my sweet miracle baby 6 years later, to suddenly have another baby 'thrust' on me is not the greatest feeling.

Try to think about how 'lucky' you are that dd gets to love a sibling, someone to grow up with etc etc..

Thanks everybody,

I'm relieved that other people have felt like this and gone on to love their DCs. I do feel completely trapped in this stupid failing body as you describe piper, that really rang a bell with me, and yes I can't ask DH for help because I did bring this on myself, despite him saying he wasn't keen, and like you heiress I just panic that I've ruined everything. I'm worried that all these pregnancy niggles will actually turn out to be permanent problems and then I'll have no energy left to run round after DD, or that DD will hate the new one -she's certainly going to be jealous and I'm not sure how she'll cope. When we talked about having another one I thought they'd play together and be there for each other, but now I'm not so sure. Of course its too late now to be thinking of this and I know that.

I take on board what people have said about depression,but I really can't talk to my GP. What can they offer me without having people intruding on my life ? That's only going to make me feel worse. I can't do anything that would risk the time I have with DD and I don't think DH would forgive me if we ended up with a swarm of health visitors round or something worse. We're very quiet old farts really and need a lot of time by ourselves and I don't think I could cope with that. My experience of the HV we had with DD was of having to choke back comments, (like 'yes we think its fine to breastfeed a 5 month old, thanks' and 'no, its fine I'm not prepared to leave her crying to see if she'll go back to sleep on her own') smile and nod and then carry on with what we were doing anyway. Thankfully we've not had to see an HV since DD was 1 but once you've got a label attached things are not so simple. I think worrying about that kind of intervention would just make it worse for me and make me feel more like I've cocked up.

I know I'm really lucky to be pregnant again. Many people would give their eye teeth to be pregnant and all. Maybe I'm just being scared and spooked!

Hi quertas, I'm not suggesting you need any but sometimes it is ok to take medications during pregnancy (I am staying on citalopram and quietapine) or there could be CBT if you did turn out to have depression. I don't think there are swarms of HVs to spare for every pregnant woman who feels low ;)

I recognise a lot of your symptoms and also think it sounds like Antenatal Depression. I know exactly how you feel about the GP, but just want to reassure you that it doesn't mean they will intrude unnecessarily, or that they will think badly of your relationship with DD.

The way that you are feeling is not unusual and not wrong. Believe me, I've thought and said some much more horrific things about how I feel about this baby, and nobody has tried to do anything except empathise and help.

I went to the GP and they did two things: 1. refer me to the perinatal mental health team and 2. refer me to a special parent and infant centre.

I go to the hospital to see the perinatal team once a fortnight for an hour, and go to the parent and infant centre once a week. I don't have any other DC but if I did, I could take them along to both appointments. In fact, the parent and infant centre is all about how you function as a family, so it sounds like that's the kind of thing that would be perfect for you.

(They actually asked my DH to come along, and I told him about it. I was shocked that he has actually come to a couple of appointments, even though I thought he was too busy and doesn't like people to intrude. But it turns out he loves me and wants to help - so I shouldn't have been worried about telling him after all.)

My point is, you don't have to do something that takes you away from your DD, or that makes any demands on your DH.

Like you, I have no friends or family I can talk to and worry that my DP has to bear all the brunt of it. I go to pieces when he goes away with work.

Also, as joie says, it's possible to take some antidepressants in pregnancy, and it's worth discussing this with your doctor if you're finding it difficult to cope.

It sounds like you're in quite a dark place, and there just doesn't seem to be any way out of it, but feeling like that is a symptom of depression, not the cause. Can you take a break from work for a little while? I'm also self employed and know this can sometimes seem impossible, but I've now taken the step and feel a lot less stressed and able to cope with all the things I have to do to prepare for my DS. Tbh I had no idea how completely exhausted I've been physically and mentally, and having a few days where I can sleep for an hr in the middle of the day has made a big difference.

Also, in answer to your worries about a sibling: you're doing something very special. A sibling relationship is incredibly important and your children will benefit from it for all of their lives. Yes DD will be a bit jealous but also fascinated and interested in the baby, and she will enjoy being an older sister. (I'm not saying there's anything wrong with only children - God knows there's no way in hell that I'm having more than one! - but my older brother is less than 2 yrs older than me and we have a wonderful relationship. It must have been hard for my mother but I appreciate it!)

Hi quertas so sorry to hear you feel so desperate. Just wanted to add to the above about AND - I recently went to a public lecture about perinatal mental health and it's a growing area of knowledge among GPs, MWs and HVs and many areas now have specialist perinatal mental health professionals.

Please don't be put off by the idea of a 'mental health' problem - there is so much physical, hormonal and emotional changes that happen during pregnancy all coupled with an increasing lack of control. Add into that this is your second and you're probably more tired than first time around due to having a toddler running around and it's not surprising that you feel overwhelmed!

Please talk to your GP and ask specifically about perinatal mental health specialists. Fingers crossed for you

I think it's quite dangerous to be diagnosing someone over the Internet. It's been suggested, op has acknowledged the suggestion and intimated she's not comfortable yet progressing that way. She may feel differently and now has this as some support.

For a minute lets assume u are simply nervous, scared and overwhelmed by this new pregnancy. Many are. I posted myself just before my birth and received many people saying I hadn't broken my family. I wouldn't be a bad mummy by having 2, that they felt this way before nos 3 and 4 too as its the unknown all over again.

It's right to be nervous, just try to be a little objective. Thousands if families have second kids and cope. You can too (and are now aware you can get help if not). My dd is 2, she's a massive mummy's girl. Comes to me for everything, which oftens saddens daddy. I thought she would hit meltdown with dd2 arriving. She didn't. She was curious. She was a bit trepidatious (is that a word?!) and I had to remember if she acted up she wasn't being naughty but testing to see if she would be treated how she always would be to make sure she was loved. It's now 10wks. Dd1 mostly ignores dd2 as dd2 sleeps alot. Handy! We play together and I bf on the floor alot. She wants to rock dd2 and play with her and enjoys sharing her bath with her. I've frankly been astounded. I was almost completely wrong as to how it would be and how she would feel. I am immensely grateful for that. Dd1 has again taught me how to be a mummy. It's fascinating to still feel that and she's shown me what a generous thing toddlers can be.

Ultimately dd1 has a friend for life. How it turns out will be up to them. I hope they will respect and like each other. They would be fine on their own but they have a marvellous gift, each other. Dd2 is fascinated already by dd1. I hope that lasts.

I hope this helps. I wish I'd put my energy of being scared into being optimistic. Hindsight eh? But then I didn't know. So, take it day by day And post on here if u need help. Be aware you can talk to ur GP and also aware that much of ur feelings are normal too. Only u can choose to seek further support and if u do need to do it without guilt.

Good luck babes

While I agree that none of us are qualified to diagnose others over the internet, I think it's also important to acknowledge that one of the nastiest tricks that depression plays is to convince us that there's no point seeking help or that the help that's offered will make the situation even worse (and I speak from personal experience on this one).

OP, I had many of the thoughts you had when I was pregnant with DS (particularly the ones about bodily changes and bringing it on myself because I was more keen to get pregnant than DH). I got referred to perinatal mental health and they were brilliant.

I didn't have to go to any more appointments than I otherwise would have done, but all my appointments either were with a named, highly experienced midwife who specialised in supporting mums who were having a tougher than average time in pregnancy and was bloody brilliant, or with a really nice consultant who explained stuff but let me make my own choices about whether I wanted to take ADs and what sorts of support I wanted. It meant I didn't have to keep explaining myself, didn't have to deal with student midwives/doctors at appointments (they recognised this was not appropriate). If I'd wanted, the MW would have come to see me at home rather than me having to trek to the clinic for antenatal appointments.

So, it might be worth trying to have a chat with a MW or your GP. If they offer some type of help that you don't want, you're always free to refuse it later, or you could try it and then decide whether it's right for you - nothing's set in stone. If you can't say the stuff you've written above, what about printing out your post and taking it with you?

Can I just second what caffeine says about not seeking help being one of the most evil side effects of depression?

My best friend sat in a house with no power in the depths of that freezing 2009 winter for five days because she 'didn't want to bother anyone to fix it and wanted to be left alone'. I know it's not quite the same, but you can probably see little parallels?

Also - this is hopefully reassuring about jealousy - DD1 was not only the first baby, she was also the first grandchild and sharing was something that happened to other people . When I was pg I was holding a friend's newborn baby and DD1 ran across the room and tried to slap the baby out of my hands. I was terrified.

It wasn't easy at first, there was a lot of uproar and DD1 was very unimpressed, though she never tried to hurt the baby, it was more general playing up. But she dealt with it - as children generally do - and now DD2 is 13 months old and she adores her. She bosses her about, hugs her, scolds her and generally treats her like a loveable, if irritating, doll. DD2 simply adores her. It has been very, very good for DD1, and my worst fears never even came close to being realised.

Oh, and DD1 cannot even remember a time when DD2 didn't exist. Nor will your DD if she's only 2 - DD1 was 2.3 when DD2 was born.