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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

there really is no compromise here, is there?

30 replies

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 12/03/2013 19:48

Feeling sad as Dp disagree on whether to have another baby. Someone's going to lose. I want another, he doesn't.

Has anyone else been in the same situation? What did you do? Did he change his mind? Did you come to terms with it?

Any thoughts welcome x

OP posts:
lolalotta · 12/03/2013 19:53

How many DC do you have already?

Kafri · 12/03/2013 20:19

I kind of think that if DH doesn't want another then that's your answer. whether you have 0 kids already or 5, if one partner doesn't want kids/more kids then it's not right to force their hand.
I can understand that him not wanting another is upsetting to you but until you're both in agreement about having another you really have no other option.

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 12/03/2013 20:24

We have 2dc, I've always wanted 3dc + dp thought he did as well but finds 2 quite enough.

OP posts:
Razzdazz · 12/03/2013 21:19

We had an unexpected pregnancy with our 3rd child that we tragically lost at 22 weeks. Dh did not want any more but my need was desperate. In the end he very selflessly decided that I would resent the fact that I had not had another but he would never resent a baby once it was here and our little man will be 1 at the weekend Grin. Incidently we are actually pregnant again, beware the copper coil!! LOL

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 12/03/2013 21:35

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss Razz, but your story is also heartwarming and your dh had a good argument (albeit against himself) which I may well use myself!

OP posts:
beckie90 · 12/03/2013 22:02

My partner wanted no more after our 2 boys, but I unexpectedly fell pregnant with our 3rd currently 18+3 with our 3rd lil boy, ooo he was not happy at all at first he even asked me to have an abortion which of course i didn't even contemplate, I just said no. He's just started coming round now, he knows aswell as I do that he will adore him when he's here x

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 12/03/2013 22:33

Is it much harder financially as that is one of dp's concerns?

OP posts:
ChairmanWow · 12/03/2013 22:40

I managed to persuade my DH, but we only had one so I think it's possibly a bit different. I really didn't want my son to be an only child. I guess I was a bit devious. I asked a few friends who have 2 kids to big up how much easier it is (beyond the first year of course). We stayed with friends who have two and he saw how great they were playing together. And I discussed how desperately I wanted a second.

I don't know if you could do the same for 3. I've got a couple of friend's who have 3 and they both love it but find it very hard work. This probably isn't what you want DP to hear.

Sorry I can't help. Hope someone else comes along with better advice.

ZuleikaD · 13/03/2013 07:35

We're currently pg with DC3 - I also asked around among friends with 3 before deciding. Their general advice was that three isn't that much harder than two (much less hard than the jump from one to two, for example) and unless you get a different gender and want to get new clothes etc then it's not that much more expensive as you've already got all the kit. (Until later, when you might need a bigger house/car and so on.) The view was also that the sibling dynamic is healthy - instead of the 'one parent each' type situation it tends to break down more evenly into 'one-third of each parent each'.

But, all that said, I think your DH would have to feel that it was right for your family. Razz's OH's position is not typical by any means. Both my mother and DH's mother wanted 3 and were vetoed by their husbands.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 13/03/2013 07:51

For us it was similar to Razz. I was absolutely desperate to have another and it was making me miserable... Dh reluctantly agreed and our dts Shock are now 1!Grin

We had not considered the risk of having teins which has been quite hard, financially, emotionally and physically. Luckily our oldest two are 8&11 and they help loads, adore the dts and keep them entertained Smile

No regrets, but life's got more complicated, and we'll probably never go on holiday ever again! But we do love our big family now!

Mosman · 13/03/2013 07:54

I piushed and pushed for DC4, we are now divorcing and much as I love DC4 with every ounce of my being I can't help but wonder if things would have been different.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 13/03/2013 07:54

Razzdazz I am very sorty to hear about your loss, I also came from a similar experience.

But I am ShockShock at copper coil fail.. I have just had one fitted... We can't possibly have anymore!!

Mosman · 13/03/2013 07:55

Baby's are cheap as chips, kids are a huge financial pressure.

harryhausen · 13/03/2013 09:38

How old are your dcs?

DH really wanted 3 (while we still had an easy 6month oldGrin) but changed his mind after dc2. Then, I had a wobble about wanting more. I really thought it would be great. My Dsis has 3 (now teenagers) and plenty of my friends were having three.

However, DH opened his heart and said he felt definitely finished and wasn't sure he could do it all again. We agreed on a vasectomy. I cried a little sat in the waiting room while he had it done.

Now my dcs are 8 and 5 and I'm finding day to day life really hard work. School stuff, after school stuff, hard to find childcare for older kids, work pressures on me etc. I'm really glad we stopped at two. I think I can just about parent two really well. Hats off to all of you with 3 or more - seriously well doneGrin

A friend of mine pushed and pushed for 3, but now is divorced. My DH met the h at a party and he openly said he didn't want 3 dcs. Shame they hadn't resolved it before my friend actually got pregnant with the third dc thoughHmm

Keep talking to each other. I really hope you both find peace with whatever you decide.

Locketjuice · 13/03/2013 09:47

My other half didn't want any. I'm pregnant with my 2nd, he's got his head round it now, both times have been surprises Smile

georgie22 · 13/03/2013 09:57

I was very keen to have children but dh was less convinced. Think he started to change his thinking when seeing friends having babies. We've now got dd who is 2 and I'm pregnant with dc2. Dh wouldn't change things now but was less keen to have dc2 than me. He knew how important it was to me though. We have both agreed that dc2 will be our last and I don't think I'll change my mind on that. I know a few people with 3 children who wish they had stopped at 2. It's so hard when you have different views. Hope you can reach some agreement.

Teaandflapjacks · 13/03/2013 11:32

I always wanted three (I am one of four), DH is adamant he wants two (he is one of two). I am currently pg with DC1, after early mc last year, and TBH I am now thinking two is just fine - have had a really difficult pg so far, extreme 'morning sickness'. I may change my mind - and would need DH to agree and make sure we are together on the decision, as I really see out marriage as partnership, and should come first. This is because, I have seen friends push and push, and it really affected their relationships. One friend, about to give birth on Sunday, her DH is totally detached. Has been to none of her scans, does not want to be there when she gives birth and wants to be in the pub 'wetting the babies head', is still out getting drunk when she is about to drop etc, and because she insisted on the baby, he is like 'you go what you wanted' etc. It is awful to watch, and we (me and DH) both find it very odd, and worrying. But every man is different - I know the yearning for a child and how strong it can be, but my mother once told me in private that four is an awful lot of work, and very expensive too, and three was a great number, not that she doesn't adore number four. So, still part of me wants three, and you never know what will be. I would have a very, very open discussion, pour your hearts out, and see what comes out. I think it also depends how old your little ones are - maybe he just wants to get them both to a certain age, and then think of number 3?

And I am by no means belittling your need at all - but do you have pets? We have a little dog, who is basically like a mini child half the time. If you love animals - maybe this could be something of a compromise for the time being?

Good Luck!!!

scaredbutexcited · 13/03/2013 12:46

This is a really difficult one. I can see both sides.

My feeling is that it would be unfair for either partner to push the other into having more children if that is not something they want to do.

At the moment you have two DCs and a happy husband. I suppose you need to consider if you are happy to risk that for 3 DCs and a potentially unhappy and a bit detached husband?

I had one friend who (not so) accidently got PG when her husband had said he wasn't ready and it caused some really big rifts in their relationship.

I certainly wouldn't try to manipulate him or "forget" contraception. Really important to try and reach a decision you can both live with long term. Good Luck.

LadyBigtoes · 13/03/2013 12:58

I also persuaded my DP, but again it was to have a second, not a third. I had various arguments - one was that I wanted 3 really, so 2 was a compromise for us both. Another was that at 38, if we tried for a baby, we only had a 50-50 chance anyway so it was a fair throw of the dice.

I don't think I put a lot of pressure on him, I didn't threaten or plead, but I did bring up every so often that I was still sad about it and wanted to discuss it. On the one hand, I can see that not wanting another baby is a feeling you should respect and you would want to have respected if you felt that way. On the other, it's not fair that when two people disagree, the person who wants the status quo has the upper hand. There are two of you, with different feelings, and just because the situation he wants already exists, doesn't mean he's in charge. Your feelings matter too.

My DP eventually said he thought it mattered more to me than to him, and didn't want me to be upset, and that was why he agreed. We now have our DC2 and DP was right, it is hard work, but he adores her too.

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm · 13/03/2013 13:14

I actually think you're being unkind to your DH. Sorry, but I think you're wrong to push, very wrong.

Just imagine it was the other way round and he wanted another but you didn't. You'd expect to be able to say no and have that as a final decision.

The comment above is very true, babies are very cheap, kids and teens are mega expensive. It costs £20-30000 to someone through university now when you get to the end of it.

This isn't about whether 3 kids is great or not. It's about respecting your DHs feelings that 2 is enough. If you'd agreed to have kids and then your DH backed out of the deal before dc1 then you'd have cause to complain, but you have 2 DC. I would count myself fortunate, maybe put your position across and ask him to let you know if he ever changes his mind.

Push anyone into having an unwanted child and yes it may work out but may also lead to an unhappy family or the divorce courts. While I feel for you, there is no guarantee that the feeling of wanting another wont be there still even if you had 3dc. I hope you can find a way through this.

LadyBigtoes · 13/03/2013 14:03

I think there is a slight difference though, in that the woman gets pregnant and gives birth so if she doesn't want to, of course she has the right to say 100% no.

The man doesn't, so when it's this way round the disagreement is more about the effects of having an extra child on the family/finances etc and that's something that can be discussed.

Fairypants · 13/03/2013 14:45

My DH wasn't really on board with dd's 1 and 2 and it was really awful in so many ways and took years to get to a stable point with it all. So really don't recommend having another without total agreement.
I always wanted 4 though and have really struggled with this ever since dd2 was born (she's 10!).
Things got to a real crunch point last year and we really had it out- I explained what it really ment to me which I had avoided before as I felt silly and that he wouldn't get it. I seriously listened to his feelings against- mainly practical and responsibility stuff. He really does get it now and we agreed to ttc in April (his financial concerns are sorted then) which also gives him time to get his head round it. He has said that he can adjust and be positive because I have not hounded him (tried that a few years ago) we have recently moved to a bigger house so have space for another and financials will be fine.

For my DH, he needed to both completely understand why I wanted it and have his own concerns properly addressed. He does consider this to be for me but is now totally on board which is great.
I hope you manage to find a resolution for this - it really is a good argument for threesomes isn't it!

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm · 13/03/2013 14:57

Ladybigtoes, I think a man should have the right to say 100% no too.

peeriebear · 13/03/2013 15:04

We had two DDs and DH decided that it was enough. He didn't want the baby days again and was pleased we were getting more of our adult life back. I did want more in future, but knew I couldn't force or coerce him.
One day out of the blue he changed his mind and said "If we are going to have any more we should do it sooner rather than later". After I picked up my jaw from the floor... DS is now six months old.

Beamur · 13/03/2013 15:10

I have 1 DD and DP has a total of 3 DC's. I would have loved another but he was adamant he didn't.
It's been a hard few years and although we have occasionally discussed the matter it was painful and he has not shifted his position. (He does have sound reasons, not just 'no')
I think we're at a stage now where I feel I'm getting on a bit (40+) and some elements of our situation have changed too which would make another child more difficult, so I'm coming to terms with it. I have been very sad about this though and I hope I don't regret the choices (or lack of) I've made.

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