Please help - can't stop crying

[Kasey12]

I have posted this in the parenting section, as I ventured on it looking for a newborn section. But saw the 'how hard parenting is' post instead. I wish i'd never looked at it now.

I'm due to give birth to my first baby any day now. I've had an awful pregnancy emotionally, partly due to being told horror stories throughout my pregnancy. It's been a big contribution to my antenatal depression, and yesterday i met a friend for coffee and a chat who ended up making me cry in front of everyone in the cafe, all the way home on the bus and even now, I'm still crying because of her horror stories. Describing early motherhood as hell, which is just a small part of what else she and others have said.

After hearing everything, I feel I've hit rock bottom and now genuinely wish I'd never gotten pregnant. I'm terrified. Because of what I've been told and read, i have pretty much convinced/accepted that I've possibly ruined my life.

I have a supportive partner and family thank God, but sometimes think that if it's as bad as folk are making out, then I'll leave, run away, anything. That's how scared I am. And don't even get me started on impending child birth.

This is the effect the stories are having on me. I'm miserable and beyond terrified. I had no idea it would be so bad/hard. I accept I may be hormonal, but I just want someone to reassure me that it's not all that bad?

Surely it can't be??

If it was that bad, no-one would have more than 1 DC, would they? There are tough bits, but it is more than worth it in the end, and having a supportive family makes a world of difference. You will be fine.

Oh dear! You poor thing - all I can say is that I certainly didn't find it 'hell'.
It's tough sometimes, but everything worth doing is, right?
For every bad time, there will be more good times to make up for it.
As for the birth it really is a case of what will be will be. Once the baby is in then it has to come out somehow!

Has anyone told you what it's like to finally see that little face you've waited 9 mths to see, and just fall completely in love with it? Lots of things about pregnancy and birth can be hard but that is not the whole story at all. The second I looked at my DD's face I just melted and fell madly in love. Getting to know her, figuring out what she liked, what made her giggle and smile, snuggles, having her sleep on my chest - god I miss all that. It's not hell that awaits you! The emotions that you'll go through will likely overwhelm you at times but they aren't all bad. That rush of love you get from just looking at your little bundle is an awesome feeling.

Half the battle is having enough support in place and you've said you have that so please just ignore those idiots who get a kick from scaring the life out if you. I had a v v v hard pregnancy and suffered pre-natal depression, had all sorts of counselling but honestly that all melted away as soon as my DD arrived. Just think of that little face and remember how much live and support you'll both have when he/she arrives.

Good luck.

I have to let you know about my experience then:

My daughter was born 3 weeks early. She was perfect and needed nothing but me. Every nap I took, when I woke it felt like Christmas just to know I had her. And it still does. She has just turned 2.

She is the sweetest, easiest thing in the world. Ever since she was born I've worked from home and it couldn't have been easier. Her little bassinette next to my desk. She never had one issue, always fed well, never really cried- had no need to! If she was hungry, her little lips would move and on the breast she went!

She listens, does as she's told, and because she is such a lovely thing and never does anything dangerous (things in mouth, climbing, running off, etc.) it means she can do so much more.

She happily entertains herself. Naps when she's meant to and is totally flexible.

She is also very tidy and puts everything away nicely.

Now I'm due to have another in a week or two, she helps me SO much! Picking up things for me, bringing things to me etc. and is so excited about the baby.

I've never had such a good social life before her either! I've got wonderful new mother friends and life is wonderful.

Don't be worried- it may just turn out perfectly!!!

www bless, i was blubbering wreck throughout pregnancy and the first 6 weeks (i had hysterical tears over the cricket match fixing on the radio news)
chid birth is fine and usually only last a matter of hours, and even if its a long birth it will come to and end. no-one has been in labour forever
i did find the first 6ish weeks hard - mostly adapting to this tiny little person who was with me 24/7 (i like my space and time on my own) but the highs faaaaar out weighed the lows.
i look back now and realise babies are a doddle, its toddlers which are sent to try us

Doesn't sound like your friends are being very supportive really. I didn't enjoy the newborn baby stage but for me that was due to problems bf'ing and my feelings that I'd somehow failed (and probably due to me expressing 8+ times daily etc.). It's a shock adjusting to becoming a parent but it all fell into place and I certainly would never change it. Each week got easier and more fun as the baby starts to interact more.
I've got friends who have appeared to love all the stages of motherhood so far (not saying this is relevant particularly but they are the ones who chose to ff from day one and I'm not sure if having shared responsibility for feeding made things easier).
I'm currently pregnant with dc2 so it clearly hasn't put me off! I hope you can try to move on from your upset and start to look forward to your baby arriving. Try to see some friends with positive tales of motherhood. I would say that even in the newborn stage I had an overwhelming feeling of love towards our dd which will get you through any difficult times. Good luck.

I don't know why people love to scare mothers to be so much, whether it's about birth or parenting.

Having a newborn baby was different to anything I'd experienced and the emotions (positive and negative) really strong - not least because of hormones.

Having support around you is so important, and you've got that. This will give you the chance to have a break when you're tired, and hugs if you feel down.

I'm pregnant with my second and I honestly can't wait to meet our new baby. Meeting him for the first time, snuggling him, sniffing him (!), caring for him and getting to know him. It's an amazing experience.

Some babies can have high needs and might cry a lot etc but not all are like that so you just have to wait until you meet them and get to know what they're like.

As my DS has got older (he's 21 months) at each stage I've thought "oh, I love this stage, this is the best age". I love him so much and I love how he's brought my whole family closer together.

There probably will be challenging times, but they will pass. What seems like forever with a newborn, you'll look back and realise was a few days.

Try to give yourself a break. It's all new and there will be lots to learn but it's exciting too! Good luck.

I think you should just put up a hand and stop anyone who starts with a horror story. Just say, I'm a bit fragile at the moment, so nice bits only for now please!

Babies are hard work, but that doesn't mean hell. DS wasn't a text book baby, no details, but it was hard. BUT from the moment I saw him I felt such a deep love, honestly, you have no idea you have this amount of love within you. It'll knock you sideways and amaze you just how much you adore this little baby, and all they need to is look at you for your heart to melt. Yes, you'll be up in the night, but you get to stare at your baby, and it's so very special.

The hardest thing can be adjusting your expectations of day to day life. But you have support, use it, when someone asks if they can help, do not be polite and say no, say actually yes, any chance you could wash up and push the Hoover round?

Becoming a parent is the single most amazing thing that will happen to you in your whole life. And the wonderful thing is it just gets better. DS is 2.5 and is the light of my life (despite the odd tantrum). It's never been picture postcard perfect and it's hard work, but it's fantastic. I'm doing it again and can't wait to meet this one.

As for the birth, please consider getting a natal hypnotherapy CD. Helped me hugely and I had a very positive experience of childbirth.

Shut yourself off from negative stories and don't watch OBEM. Focus on your baby, there is a wonderful world waiting for you.

Ah Kasey, it isn't that bad. It's amazing but challenging, which is entirely different from bad.

People tell you about the shock of being a new parent because it is one. In a good way as much as anything else. If it was really horrendous, the human race would die out, which doesn't seem to have happened.

I'm 39 and a half weeks now and I'm shitting myself. I have felt anxious and depressed about the realities of a newborn baby for the last couple of weeks. I am awake stressing and dreading it at night. So I do empathise.

But this is actually DS2 for me. And despite a very complicated birth, I found the first few weeks of DS1's life some of the happiest and most euphoric of my existence. Honestly I was so in love (and still am, although less off my head about it as it is now normality) that it makes me feel all weepy to think about it.

I always think that DS1 takes a lot of work and grumble about it - he is a toddler now - but how often do you get a boss you're madly in love with?

So I think to myself that actually a lot of how I am feeling now in pregnancy is simply nervous anticipation and awful hormones. Don't feel too bad because parenthood is amazing - and all the best things take work.

I saw a woman I work with recently who is on maternity leave. I asked her how things are going and whether she's enjoying being a mother. She said, "It's brilliant, I love it - it's much easier than having a job here!" And she is v successful and popular at our workplace.

I'm pg with my first and have asked people to stop telling me their horror stories too! I think there are definitely difficult and painful elements, but the rewards are so wonderful and make everything with it. Just focus on the amazing little baby you're going to have and the unique relationship I'll have with it. You will find that you are stronger than you think you are!

Thank you so much everyone. I realise that I did write my post in a state of panicky wobbles. It helps enormously reading all your responses. I think with the birth being so imminent, it's made me nervous about the unknown which is perfectly logical.

I have never been under any illusions about things being easy which is why I was so hurt my friend ( loose term ) kept going on and on throughout my pregnancy about the bad sides.

I'm feeling much better thanks to your replies, as it's so lovely to get a balanced view. I am looking forward to meeting my little boy, and no longer will think I'm being naive if I or my partner think of the good things.

Thank you again x

Oh I'm so jealous of you getting to hold a new snuggly gorgeous little baby in your arms in a few weeks! That wonderful moment when you see their face for the first time.

The thing is, even during the times when it's tough, you're still full of overwhelming love for them.

As someone said, with the birth, what will be, will be. It won't last forever and will be a few hours out of your life for something so incredible.
Just tell your friends to shut up.

Kasey I had a 'friend' just like yours when I was pregnant with DS1: she went on and on about how awful the birth was, how exhausted she was, what hard work it was etc etc. SOOO annoying! She's quite a negative person in general so why I bothered seeing her when I too was quite fragile beats me! Like you, I was really anxious before I had DS1. And DS2. And DS3!!!! I kept wondering how I'd cope but clearly it's all been fine as I've kept breeding! You really aren't unusual in feeling like this. So many of my friends did too. I agree with the person who suggested that you avoid people who feed you horror stories (just what is that about? I had loads of those "I was in labour for 6 weeks, had 20000 stitches AND s/he only slept for 5 minutes a day!"). It's like some sort of badge of honour. . I certainly never had any of that malarky with any of mine! Have a chat with your midwife if you feel you need to. All rate very best, I reckon you'll be just fine

Oh no! I've not read the whole thread, just your post...please don't be put off, it is the most amazing thing you'll ever do, O won't lie, its also probably the hardest you'll ever work in your life, but the job rewards are also the best you'll have. The 1st 6 weeks are especially hard because you're both learning about each other. Your beautiful baby is having to make some big adjustments... they can move more, feel temperature, experience light changes, discover hunger and learn how to feed. It is knackering, and you may well despair sometimes, especially about 3 days in when your milk comes in properly and your hormones crash... but its normal.
The only tip I can give you is to relax into it, and go with your instincts (even if it goes against the midwives advice!) as long as it is in the best interests of your baby.
is your friend that negative about other areas if her life, or just motherhood?

I think maybe she is one of these folk that 'knows everything' if you get me. She would say things like braxton hicks were agony, when infact I found them mildly uncomfortable. Or say negative things about breastfeeding, like you feed for an hour on each breast and things I'm
not sure are true.

Looking back, she's told me some crazy stories about her life which seem so far fetched, I take them with a pinch of salt. I probably just paid too much attention to what she was saying.

I've read books, have both very excited mums on stand by so to speak, so there really isn't much else I can do!

I think you'll be fine. You'll start to feel sorry for her for not enjoying it as much as you.
use your support network, whether its a nappy change, cup of tea or hoovering the house.
The other posters are right. when you meet your new baby for the first time, its amazing. I am also jealous that you get to have new bub snuggles. Thank goodness my friends are preggers!

I delayed motherhood to the last possible minute because I had been terrified by the horror stories. 1 week into life with a new born I can safely say I am the happiest I have ever been and wish I had had children 10 years ago. Every second is special. Every day she changes. It is a magical experience - enjoy it.

I would recommend you read the book Natal Hypnotherapy and get the CD too. Have they got a copy at your library?

Parenting is hard, but its the best thing I've ever done, if it was bad and terrible I wouldn't be having my 3rd at 22 lol. My oldest is 5 this year and youngest is 2 next month, and I'm 18+2 with 3rd. Sometimes yea there hard they have tantrums and fight but I wouldnt change it for world, they bring me so much joy, from going into labour to now every step has been the most wonderful expirience, so much as I start college in sep for access to midwifery. Honestly don't worry every single day is worth it. Don't listen to the bad storys. For every bad story there will be 5 good ones coming your way. And my kids are little terrors chin up I'm sure ul love motherhood xxx

My 2 year old is like my little best friend. We're cuddled up together now under a throw watching Toy Story...

Everytime I see her I can't help but have the biggest smile on my face. I honestly don't know what I did with my life before her, but whatever it was it was nowhere near as fulfilling, rewarding, exciting, fun, magical or amazing.

Every single day she does something that makes me so grateful that I became pregnant and had her. (So much so I'm having my second!)

And she was a very brilliant baby... Fed every four hours until she slept through at 7 weeks.

I've never been up all night. I've never had her cry for no reason.

Of course there are hard times, she had chicken pox, she had a terrible cough when she was a baby and I once had to take her to hospital in Greece because her temperature was so high.... But these times are few and far between, and not unbearable. In fact, the chicken pox was the time she would just keep asking me for a 'big cuddle'

But you'll see all this when you have yours, because this worry is perfectly normal and all part of it. You're going to be fine xxxx

My SIL sounds like your friends - always telling awful stories, either from a love of centre stage or from some kind of jealousy.

But my sisters said instead that while you can't compare parenting to anything, the closest they could think of is that childbirth and parenting IS harder than life before, but in the way that doing a marathon or learning a new language or being in a play is harder than watching tv on the sofa every night... More difficult, more exhausting, but incredibly more fulfilling.

Less poetically, have you ever babysat before? My child-inexperienced DH found this helpful - it's not bad practise, friends are often grateful for the free time, and it is a helpful reminder that while children can be painful and nappies are always gross, caring for a child can also be fun, and that even when it isn't, it's manageable. Of course, you know there's an end to an evening of babysitting, but on the other hand, hormones help to make us love our own children to unreasonable levels, so it balances at least a little. Good luck!

Kasey my love!

If it helps you, I hated hated being pregnant. I found it so hard, and was very sick etc. When DD was born, it was such a relief, and a delight! It didn't really feel very hard at all! Early motherhood was not hell by any means. I had lots of friends from my NCT group - with only one small baby each we used to meet up and have coffees and all sorts, at least three times a week. We went to the cinema (to the mum and baby screenings), we did buggy jogging and picnics in the park etc. It was great!

If you are very close to giving birth, you will be all over the place - we all go insane then! You are very uncomfortable, knackered, fed up of the whole nine month slog and scared of the birth. Plus you can't see your baby, you can't fully envisage what all the misery is for! It's natural - most of us feel pretty desperate by 40 weeks.

Don't worry about the birth - just let it happen. Yes it will hurt, but it's not horrendous, at least not in my experience anyway. Being frightened makes it worse. Your body knows what to do, and it will do it. Just go with it. It can be quite liberating to accept that you don't have to make it happen, you just have to let it happen.

Best of luck! I am sure in two or three weeks you will be feeling much better, you'll have a lovely baby and you'll be mighty proud of yourself for growing and birthing him/her. And your body will be your own again, hooray! x

And when people say that those who say its easy are lying, they're wrong.

Mine was easy, I'm not lying. And loads of my friends have easy babies too. People just like others to hear their horror stories and worry, no idea why!!

I so agree about the analogy with doing something challenging but fulfilling. It is blooming hard being a parent (I've got a preschooler and a small toddler who is into everything and not sleeping brilliantly, ouch). But you look at their little faces round the breakfast table and you know you would NEVER ever have it any other way.

And looking forward, one day they will be grown and independent, hopefully happy, well adjusted responsible citizens and it will be such an achievement. And so exciting to watch them make their way in the world as adults.

And as for them walking down the aisle and having children of their own, don't get me started, I well up thinking about that already and they are only 3.9 and 16 months! [BLUSH]