Please help - can't stop crying

[Kasey12]

I have posted this in the parenting section, as I ventured on it looking for a newborn section. But saw the 'how hard parenting is' post instead. I wish i'd never looked at it now.

I'm due to give birth to my first baby any day now. I've had an awful pregnancy emotionally, partly due to being told horror stories throughout my pregnancy. It's been a big contribution to my antenatal depression, and yesterday i met a friend for coffee and a chat who ended up making me cry in front of everyone in the cafe, all the way home on the bus and even now, I'm still crying because of her horror stories. Describing early motherhood as hell, which is just a small part of what else she and others have said.

After hearing everything, I feel I've hit rock bottom and now genuinely wish I'd never gotten pregnant. I'm terrified. Because of what I've been told and read, i have pretty much convinced/accepted that I've possibly ruined my life.

I have a supportive partner and family thank God, but sometimes think that if it's as bad as folk are making out, then I'll leave, run away, anything. That's how scared I am. And don't even get me started on impending child birth.

This is the effect the stories are having on me. I'm miserable and beyond terrified. I had no idea it would be so bad/hard. I accept I may be hormonal, but I just want someone to reassure me that it's not all that bad?

Surely it can't be??

Feeding for an hour on each breast??! Not in my experience. Both mine fed in 10 - 15 mins flat, about every three hours, and that was it.

DD was 75th centile and DS was 91st centile so neither of them were small either ...

Oh Kasey, you poor thing! I am a very controlled person. I like to be able to understand things, follow rules etc etc. I found the first two weeks hard because, well, it's just something new to get used to! But the first two weeks is SUCH a short time and after that, it was wonderful. My DD took to breastfeeding like a duck to water. I never had sore or chapped nipples. She pooed and peed with abandon from the get go. Yes she was very colicky at the witching hour for the first six weeks but she got over it. She's slept through from 13 weeks and I've so much fun that I'm off today for my 12 week scan for number 2! DD's only ten months!

Yesterday we had lunch in a pub for Mother's Day. She sat in a high chair for the guts of two hours chatting to everyone who went past and grinning like anything. Dogs are her new best thing. They all got squealed at (which I'm sure wasn't very nice for the dogs) which was the most hilarious thing ever.

Also, I said to someone the other day that birth is number THREE on my list of most painful experiences. It comes after kidney stones and infected eczema in my ear canals. Both of which hurt a lot more. I had a tear but you know what? They heal. Your body is an amazing thing.

Take care of yourself.

Kasey, take HP's advice and just stop people from unloading their horror stories onto you.
I was like you. I sobbed through two pregnancies. I worried about absolutely everything going.
Now my two girls are the light of my life and yesterday I found myself welling up thinking about how lucky I am. You may or may not find it easy to adjust to being a mother of a tiny baby, but whether instantly or after a little time, you will love it. Good luck.

I mean this very kindly and gently but don't be ridiculous. Of course there's good! Nobody would have more than 1 otherwise! It's just that the bad stories are frankly more interesting often times or comical.

I wouldn't change my two. Regardless how they came in to the world and the times it's been difficult. There's more moments of bliss.

Truly xxx

Hi there hope you're feeling a bit better - it is huge and overwhelming isn't it?

You might want to consider why other people find it 'hell' - perhaps they don't have supportive partners or family? Perhaps they have their own personal reasons. Each baby is as unique as your fingerprint, and so is each experience. The main thing I realised about having a baby was that you have GOT to relax in order to enjoy it. That's so so hard when you have this tiny, dependent thing, but really you need to listen to how you are feeling and take time out when you need it. Your DP and parents can help so ask them to - don't make yourself alone in the experience.

On labour I found that relaxation techniques helped, and then if that doesn't work take the pain relief, take it! They aren't giving out any badges for bravest labouring person AFAIK. On breast feeding, if you feel something, anything isn't right make sure you get help, make a fuss to any health professional you can find and ignore any judgypants type comments about how you're doing because they don't know and they don't have to do it - cut out anyone who isn't a cheerleader for you. Breastfeeding cafes can be really helpful too and are generally excellent free advice. Also we went to a lovely NCT breastfeeding counsellor (you don't have to have done the course to access this i think) who gave up time on her New Year family holiday to help us - I almost cried in gratefulness.

If you're feeling sleep deprived and exhausted and stressing about the house/cooking/washing make sure you tell your DP and parents and make it their problem too - just brushing your teeth is all you should aspire to in the first 2-3 weeks.

If you feel down after the birth and feel it's more than just the 'baby blues' do tell your GP, they can help. The thing is there is all sorts of support out there but often you don't get if you don't ask - LOUDLY!

Finally, I am PG with my second - my first baby is truly an amazing human being, and I am so glad he is in the world. I am nervous about having 2 but full of excitement because I know what it's like to hold YOUR baby for the first time and I can't wait to watch this one grow as well.

Thanks again everyone. I am feeling much better. I was in a midst of a panic when I wrote that. I have managed to get some perspective on things thanks to all your comments.

I realise I sounded a bit melodramatic, but typing in the throes of a weepfest can make you go off on one a bit!

I have never been under any illusion it will be easy, but she was implying I wouldn't cope and it would ruin our relationship, stuff I've never spoken to her about! It was also unasked for advice which is why I just reacted in such a way. I've been hearing more or less doom and gloom from the start and I guess it just got to me in the end.

I just wanted to go for a gossip and a tea sans baby while I still can.

Thanks again everyone, you've all made me feel much better xxxx

You sound like you're being very level-headed Kasey. It is a big life event, especially when it's your first, so feeling nervous is normal. Go with the flow, and stay away from that lunatic friend of yours! Very best of luck

It's hard but it's all worth it. Many people delight in telling you their horror stories of how your vagina will rip into a million pieces and you will never sleep again. It's not true. They just want to knock your confidence because god forbid you go into it more confident than they did. They can fuck off. Yes, it's hard. But it's just so much more wonderful.

And labour- well I was unlucky and had a really difficult one. Really difficult- some people do! But even so, my beautiful daughter is so worth every second of it.

Awwww, all these posts have just reminded me of how lovely it is to have a baby... Yes, it is challenging but nothing will ever beat that first cuddle and that alone makes it worth it.

I have just found out i am expecting my third after a 16 year gap... Im scared, but you guys have just reminded me why i wanted this baby in the first place... Thank you :)

Kasey - you haven't ruined your life at all, the best bits are about to come!

Some people are generally negative and love to moan/create drama. From what I've seen, they carry on in much the same way when they have a baby, and totally exaggerate how stressful everything is. Your friend sounds like one of those people.

When I had my first, the tiredness was shocking at first - but that's all it is, tiredness from having fewer hours of sleep. That part doesn't last for that long. The rest of it is fantastic! Seeing your babies face for the first time, bathing the baby, dressing it, talking to it, seeing those first smiles, cuddles, cuddles and more cuddles... I could go on forever about all the gorgeous parts. Basically, it just gets better & better. Good luck

Kasey pregnancy is tough - and looking after a little one is not easy. I have cried loads this pregnancy (much more than when pg with DD1) but if it were so bad why would we go on to have more than one DC - in my case four years later. I found motherhood far easier than pregnancy, having your body highjacked for nine months is the worst bit IMO. AFter that you can deal with anything, believe me, anything! And that's what makes being a mum the best job in the world - and I've had some fantastic jobs!

Oh god why is your friend so negative when you are hormonal and pregnant !! Yes , labour isn't pleasant but it doesn't last forever and seeing your new born child is a truly amazing feeling. The sleep depravation is hard, but is hopefully not forever and when you see your little baby smile or giggle it is the best feeling in the world ! I love love love being a mum and I was someone who liked her space, social
Life and sleep a lot, but no feeling on earth compares to the way my heart bursts with love and pride every time I look at my totally gorgeous sons. Some days it is hard , but then some days life or work is hard. It is amazing being a mum and every day I wake up and love them
A little bit more x

And I'd go through giving birth to DD1 a thousand times over; her birth was not easy but I now have a 4YO daughter who is the light of not just my life but her DGs, cousins, aunties and friends!

Kasey - you're not on your own. I'm only 15 weeks pregnant and already feel anxious about the first few months with baby. I can imagine that it is perfectly normal for first time expectant Mums. My husband works away a lot Monday to Friday and my family are an hours drive away, and DH's Mum is too elderly to help out. There are times I really start to panic about how I will cope and sometimes I think reading too much on Mumsnet doesn't help - particularly the argument thread about controlled crying - it just makes me think that my baby is never going to sleep and I am going to have a nervous breakdown trying to cope on my own! I'm sure as I become more heavily pregnant, I will worry even more, as you are doing. For now I am trying not to think about it too much as it just gets me into a tearful state. I think I will save this thread to come back to in the coming weeks and months when, like you, I need talking down!

I agree about other people wanting to worry expectant Mums. I'm currently finding it really bloody irritating when I mentioned being tired and sleeping a lot and numerous people say "Once the baby's here, you'll really know what tired is like" and "get as much sleep as you can now because you won't get any once baby arrives."

As the weeks go on and I become more hormonal than I am already I may just murder someone who comes out with these comments!

I've been quite surprised by how unsupportive people have seemed at times, my baby wasn't planned and any time I've opened my mouth to complain about even the slightest thing it's always oh well you should have thought of that or I'd like to see you cope with a screaming baby when you can't even manage to get out of bed. It's usually said as a 'joke' but I'm sure you understand what I mean when I say that I know there is an element of their true opinion (even a hopefulness almost that you will find it awful!?) in it which can be very hurtful and has left me feeling pretty inadequate at times.

And I'm like ask yourself why I can't get out of bed, because I've got a half grown baby kicking me in the bladder, chronic backache, blocked nose, braxton hicks, racing thoughts, worries about work/money/relationship... is it any wonder I can't drift off to sleep and spring out of bed at 7am ready to face the day!?

Depending who the person is though you can usually give them a gentle reminder that you're not an idiot/lazy/childish/delete as appropriate and they shut up.

I ended up having a row with my mum a few weeks ago because I said I wasn't coping at work and was thinking of getting signed off, she reacted terribly and made me feel really awful, later we had a talk and she said she worries that if I can't cope with someone on the phone at work, how will I cope when my baby won't sleep. And I think she finally got it when I said but there's a difference between someone I don't know screaming at me on the phone for something that isn't actually my fault, and my son crying because he needs changing or is hungry or is just too overwhelmed by all the new things he's having to get used to in his first few weeks of life. Since then it's been much better and I think she feels more satisfied that actually I'm not underestimating it, I'm just trying to relax about it.

I refuse to worry about the sleeping patterns of a baby I haven't met yet, he might be a dream, he might not, but he'll be mine and I'll manage like everyone else manages.

Oops this has become quite an essay but I wanted you to know you're not alone and all the lovely replies on the thread have been really great for me to read too.

It's also amazing how many people who've never been pregnant or had a baby seem to know EXACTLY how you feel... wait til they all get pregnant, they'll be nightmares!

Kasey, it's not hell, it's heaven.

Not sure if anyone's linked to this thread but www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1705068-Newborn-daily-life
Most people on there have had a lovely time!

Babyradio

I don't think I'm alone in saying I found pregnancy far worse than having a newborn! I would have DC3 if I didn't have to do the nine months. Childbirth no problem, bring it on! but spare me the long slog!

Having a baby is amazing! It's scary because until it happens you don't know what to expect.

I had a horrible pregnancy with my ds full of horror stories and medical warnings etc. Having him as a baby was infinitely better than the pregnancy.

Yes it's a big change but in a good way. It's exciting, you get to meet a new little friend that you have the honor or watching grow up into a little personality.

The hardest thing is the tiredness but this is not forever and can be eased with naps and rest.

I know for a fact when I have this baby, I'll never turn into one of the folk we've all had experience with! Baby radio, it sounds like you work in a call centre, I do too, so know what you mean about angry customers. I used to get stressed too, and I just work for fashion company.

I am just going to concentrate on the next few days until baby is here and then take it bit by bit. I suppose the one thing about the horror stories is you can imagine how bad it can possibly be, so I'm hoping to be pleasantly surprised!

I think I'm quite an anxious person anyway, so pregnancy and the unknown part is scary. I envy those who can just go with the flow!

I really appreciate all your lovely comments. I'll keep you all posted with how I get on.

Now i just have to bounce on my birthing ball to try get this little boys head engaged.

You've all been wonderful and reassuring!

babyradio, OMG I know what you mean.
I was taken by surprise by pregnancy with dc1 and didn't really understand the "booking in" process. No one had time to explain it to me and in the end I felt completely overwhelmed and burst into tears at the community mw clinic. The mw said crossly, "if you're like this now, how will you be when you have to push out the baby?" Gee thanks for the support.

So anyway Kasey, for the record, when it came to push out the baby I was a bloody trouper. And so will you be.

Thanks. I do worry about my anxiety etc and the effect it might have on the baby. I have had help from the perinatal team, but have not been taking anti depressants. But hey, maybe i've been just experiencing what is normal for nervous first time mums. I suppose it's just another thing that I shouldn't be worrying about just now!

Dear me, curryeater I can't believe the midwife said that to you... I know they must see all sorts but still! I spent the first trimester in Africa and every mw appointment I was told my baby is a gift from God and I shouldn't worry if his father ever leaves me because God will punish him. Good to know.

I really think call centres are a horrible place to work when you're pregnant, I know there's worse environments etc etc but with the stress and constantly being yelled at it's such a lot to deal with when you're a bit fragile!

All mums to be are a bundle of anxiety. How could they not be?! It's an innately anxious-making process!

It doesn't stop really after they are born either - different kind of worries, but still there! I'm not far off 40 and my mother still worries about me and my children and whether she did a good job and whether we are OK! I will still be worrying about DD and DS when their own kids are teens ...

Makes you wonder why anyone would have kids, right?

I can't stand these people who make new parents feel like this.

Parenting is at once the toughest but the most rewarding thing you will do with your life. Enjoy the highs, and remember that the lows will pass.

It is hard work, but the love you feel for your child is unlike anything else. And just wait until you see how they grow and change. My son is 2 now, and climbs into bed with us in the morning and tells us he loves us. It beats everything.

Just relax and take it as it comes. Enjoy your baby while you can because they grow so fast.