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Original poster

Feeling down about Mothers Day

21 replies

LilBean13 · 06/03/2013 10:59

Hi all,
For those of you that have seen me on here before will hopefully understand when I say that I am not looking forward to Mothers Day. Those who don't know me, I lost my little girl Mia in July, she was born sleeping .
Although I am currently pregnant again I feel as though maybe I should be being recognised as a Mum this Sunday, however sadly I do not think that will be the case. I did have a daughter & she lived in me for almost 10 months..... but guess unless she is here no-ones see's me in that way (i have no other children) Although I have great friends & family & a brilliant partner, I am not sure that this will even enter their heads.
Can someone please tell me if what I am feeling is wrong as I am sooooo confused
Thanx xx

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Rhubarb78 · 06/03/2013 11:05

What you are feeling is totally normal. You are a mum, a very special mum who has delt with the hardest thing that mums ever have to deal with. You should speak to your partner about how you are feeling and let him know if you would like to mark the day. We went to the cemetery and dh bought flowers for me and cooked me a nice meal for the first mothers day without my baby. It was terribly sad but nice too.

Curls78 · 06/03/2013 11:09

I can't offer any advice aside from what you are feeling is NOT wrong, simply because it is the way YOU are feeling and noone can take that away from you.
As you are currently pregnant, you ARE a mum (in my opinon), and the important thing is how you feel about that, so focus on your own feelings. If I have learned one thing throughout life, it is that you can't rely on others to validate how you are feeling.
It will get better, but understandable it raises difficult feelings

s x

phoenixrose314 · 06/03/2013 11:10

It isn't wrong at all.

For the last five years Mother's Day has been a struggle for me - I lost a baby in my second trimester and was then told I had virtually no chance of carrying another child. To me, I'd had a daughter and she was Alice in my head even if nobody else knew it - I felt like a mother without a child. It didn't help that I have two wonderful stepchildren who I love very much, but due to their mum's insecurities knew I'd never get so much as a card from them. Every year got harder and harder, and I'd throw myself into making my mum have a brilliant day to forget my own pain.

I am now pregnant with a miracle baby, and my due date is two days after Mother's Day - and although I am happy, it doesn't stop me thinking of Rose, the little girl I lost; or my stepchildren, who we will actually have this Sunday but knowing I won't be acknowledged despite the last 7 years of being a parent to them.

It hurts and I do sympathise. Big hugs for you OP. I have no advice except maybe talk to your DP about it? Not to force him into acknowledging you as a mother on Mother's Day, but so that at least if you're emotional that day then he will be able to understand and support you.

phoenixrose314 · 06/03/2013 11:12

alive** not Alice

LunaticFringe · 06/03/2013 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cupcake78 · 06/03/2013 11:18

I am a mum of 4 children. One is still here, one is growing and the others passed away 7 and 6 years ago!

They are never forgotten and always a part of me. It has taken me this long to get this far. You have only had 8/9 months. That is no time at all.

You are a mum of your daughter and your little bump, neither of these people will ever be forgotten and they are a part of you and will shape the rest of your life.

Remembering Mia on Sunday is perfectly right and ok.

AThingInYourLife · 06/03/2013 11:19

Tell your brilliant partner that you want to be acknowledged as a mother on Sunday.

He might not guess that you would want that, so just tell him.

I'm sure he will do whatever he can to make the day meaningful for you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Rainbowbabyhope · 06/03/2013 11:45

My daughter was stillborn in February last year. My first mothers day which followed soon after was harrowing - not a single person acknowledge me as a mother on that day and I think my DH was a bit at a loss as to what to do too. It was one of the most painful days and it confirmed my feelings that no one really saw me as a mother even though I felt like one with every inch of me. I don't think it occurred to anyone that I might feel this way. In fact, I don't think many people see me as a mum because my baby never 'lived' although for me she was alive and in the world every day I was pregnant with her.

I am dreading mothers day again this year even though my second daughter is due to be born in a couple of weeks so I totally understand where you are coming from. I don't expect anyone will acknowledge me as a mum this year either. I have pretty much resigned myself to another harrowing day (as pretty much everyday is when you have lost a child anyway). Will be thinking of all us mums in this position x

something2say · 06/03/2013 12:21

I think you should all acknowledge yourselves as mothers, because you are. Talk of it and let it out x

MiaowTheCat · 06/03/2013 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellypoo · 06/03/2013 12:58

What you are feeling is totally normal - my DD1 died when she was 2 days old on NYE 2011. Last Mothers Day was so hard for me, to me I was a Mum, I just didn't have my daughter with me. DH just didn't know what to do for the best, but I would have really appreciated some acknowledgement - especially because people had been agreeing with/convincing me that I really was still a Mum.

It is hard, and occasions like this can be so difficult, especially the 'firsts'. Be gentle with yourself, but what you are feeling is completely normal xx

NotSoNervous · 06/03/2013 13:01

I'm so sorry. You are a mum and I think you should speak to your DP about how your feeling

NorthernLurker · 06/03/2013 13:04

You're not wrong at all.

The local hospital here does a service of remembrance on Mothering Sunday for all the ladies who've lost babies that year or any year. There may be something like that near you? Roughly where are you?

whiteandyellowiris · 06/03/2013 13:43

lilbean, hello, i am so very sorry for the loss of your dd.
you are a mother even if your little girl is not here anymore, you will always be a mother for the rest of your life.

i lost my ds, he died shorthly after he was born, and its a life long grief, something most people will never understand however hard they try

here your welcome. very welcome to come and join us breaveved mums over here, we can talk about allsorts.
adn you will be with people who understand

have you been in contact with sands or anything?

if you and your partner want to do something special to mark the day, maybe a lunch out or something if you felt upto it.

CareerGirl01 · 06/03/2013 13:48

You are a mum!! Twice over. Let DH know how you are feeling -and make sure you do something special x

ExpatAl · 06/03/2013 19:23

I understand too. My son lived for 5 days. If telling your son that its okay to close his eyes and say goodbye isn't being a mum I don't know what is but nobody acknowledged me last mothers day and it hurt. Hurt a lot.

Wishing you a Happy Mothers Day x

Original poster

LilBean13 · 07/03/2013 10:46

Many thanx to eveyone that has replied, has def made me feel better about the way I have been feeling x
I will speak to my partner & hopefully we can do something as like it's already been mentioned...... many of my friends have made a point of saying that I am a Mum so as you say ...... let's hope some of them recognise it then (sorry if that sounded harsh)
I will let u all know how it goes Sunday & wish you all a lovely day too xxxx
Thanx again, really helps to speak to people that totally understand what you are going through xx

OP posts:

babyrose · 07/03/2013 13:45

so sorry for your loss, I lost my dd 14 year's ago in may ( I can't believe it's been that long) my sister acknowledged my first mothers day without Leah.

Your are a mother as other people have said just because she isn't with u doesn't mean your not a mum. Take care xx

whiteandyellowiris · 07/03/2013 15:55

best of luck lilbean x

Blobby11 · 07/03/2013 17:44

Hi Lilbean

Just to say so sorry about Mia. Glad you're going to speak to DP. Hope you find a nice way to spend Sunday

Original poster

LilBean13 · 13/03/2013 17:05

Hi all,
I just thought that I would let you all know that I spoke to my partner and we went out for the day on Sunday. We only drove out to Ikea but at least we spent it together which is what I wanted. We talked about Mia aswell so I needn't had worried that my partner had not thought that I would have wanted to do something on this day.
I also had a few family/friends that thought of me and sent me either txt messages or messages via Facebook so that was nice.
Counting down the days now til our next scan & happy to report that my little girl is kicking each day which feels lovely and gives me that reassurance that we we ALL be ok this time xx

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