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Pregnancy

Pg and not fiancee's

134 replies

Confused40 · 26/02/2013 07:41

Hi,
Firstly, please don't judge me. I feel bad enough!

I am pregnant and its not my fiancees, although he is aware, and taking on the baby as his own.We broke up a couple of months before I fell pregnant. I stupidly slept with a close male friend. Close male friend totally disowned me, saying to get an abortion etc. He has said he wants nothing to do with me or baby and never wants to see me again.

Fiancee was devastated when we broke up and we got back together. I then found out I was pregnant, and realised it wasn't and couldn't be his child. I discussed this with him, and although upset, he understood I couldn't terminate. I explained that I would understand if he didn't want to continue with the relationship. But, he has been amazing. We've had a few times of insecurity, on his, and my part, but after openly discussing, decided to continue with the r/s and pregnancy.

I feel nervous and wonder if fiancee is really ok with pregnancy. He has children from a previous r/s but hasn't told them anything. He said he's told his mother, but no-one else.

I'm wondering how he will be when baby is born, even though he says he will put his name on birth certificate and call child his own. Is this even legal?

I'm happy to be pregnant, but, I've had an extremely traumatic past year or so. Won't go into details, but had to leave work due to severe trauma which developed into PTSD. This still affects me now, and I have episodes of severe sadness and regret. I did have counselling, and have since periodically spoken to samaritans, who say I underwent a severe and multiple trauma and need to be a bit easier on myself.

Feeling very tearful this morning, and really don't want to be judged. I feel bad enough as it is.

OP posts:

Report

Anothermrssmith · 17/08/2013 13:21

Bloody hell,trying to post on my iPod and managed to hit post by accident.

As I was saying, confused you have had a hellish time but you seem to be doing so well now, I'm thrilled for you and your son, congrats to him as well you must be so proud. I'm so glad you updated this and managed to escape the abusive relationship you were stuck in and are continuing to get help to deal with what's happened. You can hold your head high, you've had some of the most horrible things happen to you and you've for through it and came out the other side, that takes true courage xx

BunInMyOven93 · 17/08/2013 14:15

Tbh I read the post title and thought "oh god here we go!!!" But after reading start to finish you are amazing!! :)

Im so happy for you and your little family!! You have come such a long way and you should be proud! :). You will be an amazing mummy AND daddy to Maya! :)

Big hugs xxx

PearlyWhites · 17/08/2013 14:20

Yes it is legal if you are marriaged the baby will automatically be seen as his child

PearlyWhites · 17/08/2013 14:23

Sorry had missed parts of the thread , I would not marry this man so ignore my last post

glendatheveryexcitedwitch · 17/08/2013 14:26

Awwwww congratulations confused and son - enjoy momma hood xx

Confused40 · 17/08/2013 21:20

BunInMyOven93 its easy to judge just from a title, so I'm glad you read the thread and took a different view. Thank you.
The last few months have been extremely challenging to say the least! But, I take one day at a time, and have a very selective hearing button for all the 'judgemental' comments. If I'd have stayed I'd have been judged and its the same for me leaving.
Society tends to gloss over the logistics of r/s and tends to sensationalise. I guess its part of the gossipy world we live in where celebrity magazine intrude into peoples lives and assume they can comment etc. RL is like that at times, and on mumsnet we all have different world views and judge accordingly.
I've felt so supported though. Thank you all so much. I had some rare time this afternoon and was looking through my threads. I read this and thought bloody hell, I'm pretty damn strong. None of the people who have commented know me which makes for a great balance of opinions and advice. :)

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 17/08/2013 21:26

What a lovely update :) Thank you

(I was HeadInTheSand earlier on).

I'm glad you have some good support IRL and that both your DC are doing so well!! I'm so proud of you for staying strong x

BIWI · 17/08/2013 21:33

Fantastic! Congratulations to all of you

elQuintoConyo · 17/08/2013 22:21

Your DC have a terrific, strong mother - an excellent role model.
Congratulations

Confused40 · 18/08/2013 23:33

Thank you to you all.
I've had a very wobbly day today. DS will be off to uni in a few weeks and its scaring the crap out of me. He was away for two weeks at summer school and although I coped, I was very jumpy in the house alone. My cat came into the bathroom and hearing the floorboards creak and then the door open had me frozen to the spot.
I've applied to move to a three bedroom property since dd was born, but as ds will be in halls during term-time will I still be eligible? I really don't want to be breaking the law by still applying for a three bedroom.
I have such bad memories in my current home and really don't feel safe here.
My health visitor, GP and counsellor have all written supporting letters, which I've sent off to my housing association.

Yes I've been strong leaving fiancee, but, I am on my own and its bloody scary at times. I've wanted to ring him so many times, but have held back or distracted myself. DD is so lovely and I've so wanted him to see her, then felt repulsed at the thought of seeing him again. Worse, I had really bad feeling thinking of him anywhere near her when I was changing her nappy. Call it mothers intuition, but I really don't trust him, and this has stopped me from calling. :(

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 18/08/2013 23:39

:(

Come and talk to us if you feel like ringing him in the future.

He isn't worthy of your time and he is certainly not worthy of DD's time - even if he would see her, which I doubt. He is a nasty fucker and you need to stay the hell away from him. If you want to scare yourself out of doing it - read some of the threads on here where Mums have to hand their DC over to these scary bastards whether they want to or not... and sadly, worse :(

I don't know enough about the stupid bedroom tax to advise you one way or the other - but why not phone them tomorrow and ask? I hope you get a new place soon.

Confused40 · 18/08/2013 23:50

Thanks ChippingInHopHopHop :)
You're right of course, and, yes I do need a kick up the bum at times with a reality check of how bad it could be. Oh God, can you imagine if he was legally entitled to see dd. That won't happen. My heart goes out to any woman who is in the position, it must be awful.
I'll find out tomorrow about legalities. I'm not so much worried about bedroom tax, as eligibility. I'll be going back to work after I've finished clinical hours placement. Part-time though, as dd is still young.

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 19/08/2013 00:02

Well, anytime you need a reality check - you wont have to look far, you could re-read this thread! and there are literally hundreds of threads on here about awful ex partners and how they ignore or treat/hurt/abuse their children :( Heartbreaking.

Can you remind me where you stand with DD's father? Does he know about her?

Confused40 · 19/08/2013 00:12

Very true!
DD's father was told about her when she was two days old. I texted him and sent three photos of dd. He replied that his mother had passed away and he was sorting out her estate. He told me to take care of myself and dd. I've heard nothing since, but have sent photo's once since that time. Looks like he's sticking to what he said about wanting nothing to do with her :(

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 19/08/2013 00:21

Well, it's sad in one way, but better in another. I wouldn't contact him again. Men that dip in and out of their children's lives do far more damage than those who just stay away.

You and DD will be a tight unit and then, you never know, one day you may meet Mr Wonderful and he will enrich both of your lives. Put the other two firmly in the past!

Confused40 · 19/08/2013 01:16

That's sound advice, thank you so much x

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fedupofrainydays · 19/08/2013 07:18

Wow. Just read the first half and last half of this post. Good on you for leaving him and you will be fine without him (in fact so much better off!) it will be tough but you can do it and just look at your gorgoues dd to get you through. Good luck to you x

Coconutty · 19/08/2013 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confused40 · 21/08/2013 23:06

Further update:-

Just got the results from my course. I got a 2.1!!!! With all that crap going on and the turmoil and I not only passed but I got a bloody 2.1. I'm so happy, happy, happy :)

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BIWI · 21/08/2013 23:07

Brilliant!

ChippingInHopHopHop · 21/08/2013 23:18

WOW - well done you smarty pants

Bloody hell - that's a brilliant result without all the shite going on, with it - it's A MAZ ING!!!!

Confused40 · 21/08/2013 23:59

Thanks ChippingInHopHopHop :)

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Confused40 · 22/08/2013 00:00

Pressed send too soon, thanks also BIWI :)

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solitudehappiness · 03/11/2013 13:51

Ex-fiancee texted me and has also asked me to 'join' him on twitter, all in the last week. I've ignored him on both occasions, but, it has left me feeling very un-nerved and wondering what he will do?? Or was he just controlling me so much and putting fear in me that I'm just being silly now??

WTF does he want???

solitudehappiness · 18/02/2014 12:45

Update:-
Ex-fiancee had a massive heart attack on 6th January '14 and died. Was buried on 7th February. I found out on 6th February. Visited his mother, and she told me where about in graveyard his grave was. Went to his grave, just dd and me. Cried at his grave, total mix of feelings. One side of me feels relief he is gone, and that I won't have to see him again, or risk bumping into him etc. Then I feel hugely guilty and wonder how I could think such things. Massive shock!!

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