2 stillbirths, on maternity leave, pregnant again. Should I go back to work?

[Tryingtocope]

Hi all,

I recently suffered a stillbirth, my second. I am pregnant again and currently on maternity leave from the stillbirth. In theory I could just stay on mat leave for the full year. However, my financial situation will not allow me to do this, so I hope to return to work shortly.

The problem is the more and more I think about returning to work and the stress it caused me during my last pregnancy, I am not sure that it is a good option. I had too much work load. I was HOD for two departments, two line managers with varying, but complex demands. Called in to sort out mess, but not respected enough to be asked my opinion or consulted on matters which may have prevented the mess.

I can't stand one of my line managers. She has not sent me any form of condolence, but has sent coded emails, emails which I know are directed at me but sent to the whole department with no names mentioned, re-asserting her authority. I just don't think I can work with her. She has taken my ideas and claimed them as hers, which she has received praise for. I can seriously see myself exploding and being unprofessional.

If I do return to work, how do I professionally say that I cannot work with this lady? Only problem is that leaving that department will mean giving up something I really enjoy. The other thing is that we have the same responsibility, but she takes at least £15-20k more than I do.

Really don't know what to do. Just know that I DO NOT want to suffer another unexplained stillbirth that I can only put down to high levels of preventable stress.

Firstly, can i just say how sorry I am for your losses. I cannot imagine what you have been through.

Secondly, many congratulations on your news.

Re work thing, can you talk to your line manager or HR about your concerns? You don't need to directly name the lady in question just professionally outline how uncomfortable you feel, putting the emphasis on your pregnancy worries?

You should not have any pressure or stress on you right now. You deserve to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. What does your OH think?

Look after yourself.

Wish OH was more supportive. His answer is just give up the stressful job, this is a no brainier for him. Okay, maybe I say unsupportive because he is unwilling to discuss in any great length. But when I ask if he will be paying off the credit card debt, he doesn't have an answer.

I could talk to the big boss about my concerns, but not sure how this will work. Don't really trust people there. However, they do have a duty of care, so if I express my concerns and they do not take my concerns seriously, I guess this would not be in their best interest.

My OH would probably say the same thing but you do enjoy your job and are being treated unfairly.

I know that feeling of not trusting, plus if you go over someone's head, it doesn't always work out. You should, however, be able to talk to HR. I would be careful not to point fingers just give as much information you need to get them to understand how stressed you are.

I am so so sorry to hear about your losses.

My DD died aged just 2 days just after Christmas last year, and it was really hard to go back to work afterwards, but I'm pleased that I did it when I did (phased return during April/May) however my colleagues & boss are really supportive, and I have no idea how I would have coped with a situation like yours.

Can you talk to a more senior manager, to arrange a slightly less stressful role, or perhaps in a different area?

How pg are you? Will you be back long before your next mat leave? Is there any way that you could look for another job? i know that's not necessarily realistic in the current climate.

I'm so sorry for your losses.
Do you have an HR manager that you could talk to confidentially? They may be able to help you find a solution?

Ellypoo, sorry to hear of your loss.

No Real HR person I could confide in. Guess I will have to put myself first for a change and say that this is what I would like to happen and if it is not agreed, hand in my notice. A friend said to me that if I chucked it all in, would my children go hungry. The answer is no, but there would probably be a lot of stress, which isn't good either.

I am only about 6 weeks pregnant. The consultant will induce at 38 weeks, so I will have at least 6-7 months. My role is highly stressful (teacher). I was working all hours of the day, neglecting my 4 children and don't want to make the same mistakes.

How you doing this morning? Feeling any less stressed?

Permaquandry, what you have said is spot on. It will definitely not work out. It would just create so many problems. Other people have tried with other issues and then been the subject of a stressful demise, before resigning.

Unfortunately, I am still feeling somewhat stressed because I know I need to make up mind fairly quickly.

Can you ask for a more of a TA role or work in the office thought pregnancy, I cant believe any employer would deny you have a minimum stress role while you are pregnant, given your history?

Could you speak to citizens advice or to an employment solicitor just to get some advice on where you stand?

I really hope you're feeling ok. When are you due to return from maternity leave? I'm wondering what happens with your maternity leave going forward?

I hope you don't mind me asking, but were you full term with your losses? I think this would alter the rules, because there are set rules in place for becoming pregnant on maternity leave but I am very sure if the outcomes are like yours, the rights/timescales are effected?

Thinking of you. Wondering if there are any employment experts on here?

Ps, just want to say again, very many congrats on your pregnancy, I should imagine you are feeling nervous but it is suchwonderful news.

My experience is very similar- down to our jobs!

I went back to work and it was hard and I still now tear up sometimes. I unfortunately lost my latest pregnancy after the still birth and I'm questioning if I should now make some major changes and focus on a stress free healthy environment- but I love my job too.

Could you consider part time Ora different role?

Best of luck!

I am a teacher too; in your situation, I would ask to be signed off.

You are entitled to six months' full pay; after this, you could begin maternity leave.

You have suffered two devastating losses, I think going back to work is just not worth the risk.

Thank you Permaquandry.

I lost one at 31 weeks, the second at 32 weeks. Both boys.

I hope to go back in the next few weeks. I am very nervous. I will be buying a fetal doppler, but even with that, there is very little that can be done if the worse happens. I have asked about a part-time less stressful role. Things will probably be different if I tell work I am pregnant again. They don't know yet and I don't really want to say anything until I have a first scan. May have to say though, so they can make an informed decision about what role to give me. Even the TA's have a very stressful role where I am.

Tryingtocope, so sorry for your losses. 2 stillbirths to get over, I can't imagine how you cope.
However, huge congrats on your happy news.

I see you're a teacher, although I read (badly) your thread once through already and completely missed that first time!

Can you get in touch with employee healthcare?

I'm also a teacher and currently off work with a stress/anxiety/depression combo. my head referred me though I think you can self refer. They have been very good with me, confidential talks, helped me identify a way out, put support in place for me and acted as a go-between with my (very understanding) head.
My local authority (in Yorkshire) also use a counselling service called 'care first' with a free phone counselling service, maybe worth investigating whether your LA have similar? I could give you the number, maybe worth a call?

I know from my own experience that I had to have some time out, workload and it's pressures we're having a very significant impact on both me and my family. And frankly it's not worth it, ultimately it's a job. Maybe if the only choice is back to work OR your health then you have to choose health and make some changes in the meantime for you to be able to financially manage.

How's your head and your relationship with him/her?

Ok, so you could tell them just before you are due back, it is possibly better that they know?

My god, you've had a shocking time of it, haven't you? I know it doesn't help but I am really sorry for your losses.

I'm wondering if a doctor or consultant could either sign you off or give you enough medical reason for you to down-size your role? Again, I don't want to pry but if you are deemed 'at risk' given your history, surely a doc would back you up?

Take care.

I absolutely would get signed off; end your maternity leave, return to work and go off sick. As others have said, no job is worth the risk.

This would mean that you don't necessarily have to make a choice between work stress or financial security- I am assuming you work for the LEA rather than an independent school?

I have a doc appointment on Monday. I will discuss this with my doctor then. Before I got pregnant and even during pregnancy I was feeling very suicidal and discussed this with doc. Depression, anxiety, stress, due to work. The pregnancy really helped me to get through this, until the worse happened.

I am in an Academy (hell). Have a good relationship with head, but I have been warned by many who have resigned not to trust anything they do or say and get out as soon as possible. Many new staff who have the 'Academy Ethos' are there. It is more like a job in the city, where everyone is seeking promotion, with little regard for fellow colleagues. More like a business, than a school.

Doc may advise not to go back or do reduced hours and the decision will be out of my hands. For all I know, my employer may not want to take the risk anyway.

Most who have gone long term sick have been paid off to leave or forced out.

sleeplessinsuburbia - I am sorry to hear of your news. Try to stay strong and yes, I think it is good that you are considering your options to have a healthy pregnancy. I hope this happens for you some time in the future. Best of luck too.

Are you in a union, trying?

Whilst it makes things more difficult that you are in an academy, being pregnant affords you more protection against sickness-related disciplinary measures than other medical conditions. I believe that you are still entitled to six months' full pay (until you begin mat leave 4 weeks before your EDD) whilst on sick leave, but I could be wrong.

Consult your union- taking a part time role and/or a wage cut could be viewed as discriminatory, as it would lead to significant loss of earnings. Hard to prove, but what I mean by it is that you may be entitled to remain off sick for the duration of the pregnancy, and I would pursue that avenue before negotiating any change in your role.

Good luck

Thank you tethersend for this. I will definitely consider this avenue. As much as they did the 'we care' routine during a breakdown, I have to remember that the breakdown was caused by the pressure they put on me with the issues I mentioned prior.

Make sure you put you and your baby first.

Congratulations, BTW

How you doing today? Are you feeling clearer about work?

Hi Permaquandry,

I still feel the same, but probably more clearer. There has been some very useful advice on here about what to do. The main one being not to go in bargaining for part-time when I may not even be capable to work at all in my current state.

I spoke to a friend yesterday who knows more about the issues at work I have had to deal with and she says I am mad to even consider going back, she won't allow it. Then she said she would give it more thought once I explained money issues. She warned me that they will be able to get a new member of staff, if my health goes downhill, particularly my mental health, I may never get that back. To add to that someone we know hung themselves on Monday after a battle with depression. She is worried about me not being able to cope with pregnancy, kids and work pressure.

I will update with the outcome of my discussion with my Doc and my employer.

Your friend sounds great.

Do you know what your contractual sick pay entitlements are? Many academies abide by the Burgundy Book agreement, but some don't. If they do, you are entitled to six months' full pay as long as you have been working there 4 years or more (it's calculated on a sliding scale if you have been there less than that). Your contract should set out your entitlements.

Sorry to sound like a broken record, but I'm so pleased to hear that you are feeling clearer about things and hope you get a good outcome.

Tryingtocope I'm sorry to hear of your position. I've suffered a late term loss myself so understand something of your position. I'd be loathe to suggest this in any other situation but I'd seriously consider going on sick leave once your mat leave is up. I certainly wouldn't be going back FT to an unpleasant role if I felt stress were the/a main factor for the stillbirths.