sorry - another gender disappointment thread but I am so down :(

[emeraldgirl1]

I found out yesterday that we are having a girl.

I KNOW we are the luckiest people in the world to be having a healthy (touch wood) baby. I know there are millions of people who would kill for any kind of baby, most notably my best friend who has had a very upsetting miscarriage and now is struggling to get pregnant again. Needless to say I feel absolutely awful about these stupid and irrational feelings.

But I feel so incredibly disappointed and low. Despite the fact I was obviously prepared for this outcome. 50% chance after all!

But up until now I have thought of this baby as a boy. In my head it has always been a boy. Plus, it took me years to even be sure I should have a child and every time I thought about it, I thought about a boy and that was what made me think I probably should take the plunge one day. I have only ever seen myself with a boy. I have a wonderful bond with my nephews and have never managed the same with my niece. I know this is almost certainly just a personality thing but nevertheless after so many years bonding wit my nephew I saw myself even more as a mother of a boy.

This is not a 'don't like pink' thing. I am not un-girlie myself. This is about a lifelong history of screwed-up relationships between the females in my family, and bullying by girls when I was at school. My mum is a very difficult woman and I dread being like that to my daughter. My sister is almost even more difficult. She and my mum always had an awful relationship. My mum had a terrible relationship with her own mum and sister.

It took me 20 years to make good female friends; I am naturally more shy and uncomfortable around women.

In addiiton, there is DH. He always used to say (only semi-joking) that he would love a child but only if it was a boy. Before you judge him too much (I know that statement on its own sounds bad) he has his own good reasons. He has a hearing impairment that means, as he said rather sadly y'day, that he always thought he would be a better father to a little boy with whom he could run round and kick a ball and wouldn't need to be so verbal, neccessarily, to be a good dad. I know we might have had a son who wanted nothing to do with balls and running around (!) but that is unlikely as DH and I are both v active and love sporty stuff. On more trivial matters, DH is a HUGE sports fan, it is pretty much his main hobby and how he loves to spend time and I know how much he was looking forward to introducing that to his son. Again, I KNOW a son may not have cared about that and I know a girl may be the biggest football fan in the world but I hope you can see why that trivial sense of disappointment is there too.

I can't shake off all those off the cuff and silly (and unwise!) comments DH used to make in the past about wanting a boy and finding girls difficult (he also has a very difficult mother...)

I can't shake off the years-long image of me with a little boy :(

We may very well not have a second child, it's certainly not a probability and I feel I have lost something even if I never had it. I feel evil about thinking this as my best friend lost her baby and my feelings are not at all the same thing.

I said yesterday to DH that it is not that I DIDN'T want a daughter so much as I DID want a son. But I was up all night worrying about it and now I am not so sure. I dread my little girl turning out to feel the way about me that I feel about my mother. I am panicking that I won't know how to bond with her and that she will not be interested in me.

None of this helped by the (very well-meaning) sonographer who kept calling her a 'little princess' and saying she would be a Daddy's girl and I had better get used to being sidelined! Not the ideal thing to hear when you spent your school years being ostracised by a bunch of little cows!!!

Sorry - I know this whole post may be offensive to some people but if anyone has any advice on how to get my head around this, I would appreciate it so much. Thank you.

Pregnancy & birth are hugely emotional experiences and also very unpredictable. Infact the only predictable factor is that it will not be as you imagined or planned. You will learn to give up on fantasy and expectation, and to become more flexible, more accepting, and to embrace your child for who they are and what they teach you about yourself. Really it's all part of life's rich tapestry etc and the sooner you can put aside your fantasies and crack on with reality, the more you will gain from your life. That said, a bit/lot of counselling may be v helpful at this point.

My daughter had a meltdown when she learned the next baby was a boy and I asked her to think about the little boy in my tummy who needed a family to love him, that seemed to do it for her. Maybe you could visualise that for your daughter.

dysfunctionalme that's a very functional post for someone with your username :)

Oh, and now I am weeping buckets at your second post dysfunctionalme - what a lovely way to put it.

Thanks emeraldgirl and thanks for starting this thread. It is something that is very hard to talk about in RL and there is some excellent advice and wise words on here, it is proving to be very helpful to me and to you and others no doubt

I don't know if anyone else upthread has already suggested this but I have read before that a good idea when you are feeling like you are, is to buy a beautiful outfit for the baby, hang it somewhere where you can see it every day, and imagine her wearing it.

Oh, and now I am weeping buckets at your second post dysfunctionalme - what a lovely way to put it.

Oh sorry to upset you.
It can be hard to visualise a real baby, but I promise you there is one in there, a tiny wee thing, who needs you more than anyone or anything at all in this world.

I had gender disappointment when I was pg. I was also having a girl; when I found out I was devastated. I had wanted a boy my whole life. The strength of my feelings of disappointment shocked me.

Of course, looking back, I can see that my brain was riddled with hormones, I would have had the depression regardless of the gender of the baby, but at the time it felt awful. The worst thing was, I was carrying a healthy baby, and knowing how may people in the world would love to be in that position made me feel incredibly guilty for feeling the way I did.

The only information I could access about Gender disappointment was from mothers expecting boys and wanting girls- this made me feel even worse.

Interestingly, my ante-natal counsellor said that a large proportion of the expectant parents she saw suffering from gender disappointment were those who had been infertile for many years, and had eventually conceived through IVF; they had held on to a dream of a (usually) baby girl for so long, that when they conceived twin boys they were devastated.

It is almost taboo to discuss it- I could never tell anybody how disappointed I was, it seemed so ungrateful. I have posted about it a few times on MN, but tend to try and avoid the gender threads as it is a very emotive subject.

Of course, now my DD is three and a half, and although she is not a boy, neither is she 'a girl'- she's an Angie and I love her more than life itself.

Then 5 months ago DD2 arrived; and I'm happy

Remember, you're not having 'a girl', you're having your baby. You'll love her in a way you cannot possibly anticipate.

Also, speak to your MW about these feelings; the sessions I had with the ante-natal counsellor were invaluable.

Gender disappointment affects so many women and deserves as much sympathy as pnd IMO. I'm sure the op doesn't want to feel this way.

Glad you're feeling more optimistic, op. I agree with what was said earlier about you needing a girl to break the cycle in your family. I'm sure you will be a great mother.

dysfunctionalme don't apologise, it was a lovely thing to say! Really helped.

tethersend thanks you, It its great to hear from someone who had also wanted/expected a boy for many years. I think it may be unrealistic to think that after so long thinking about one scenario you are suddenly going to be automatically fine with a different scenario.
That is interesting what youMW said about the couples who had dreamed for years of a baby and had to do IVF - makes me feel marginally less guilty that you can still feel this unsettling feeling when you have gone thru hell and high water to have any kind of baby!

Croque, absolutely, I certainly don't want to feel this way. I don't want my baby to feel unwanted! She is NOT!! It is up to me now to prepare myself for her arrival and get more confident, the way I think I would have been with (in my mind, a less 'complicated') boy.

Tethersend - great post and very reassuring! I have also found it is usually the other way round, mothers being disappointed when they find out they are expecting a boy, that´s why this thread has struck an extra chord with me. And it is taboo, I could never tell anybody how I am feeling in RL.

I also agree with Croque when she says she´s sure you will be a great mother, emerald, you sound lovely judging by this thread

I am the flipside of you. I wanted a girl, I was petrified of having a boy. I didn't find out at the scans but in my heart of hearts I wanted - longed - to have a girl, didn't want to be standing at the side of a football field, dealing with the shit form my DH's family about gender and behaviour etc etc

After I had given birth DH told me it was a girl, I actually couldn't give a fig at that point, I was exhausted, no elation, no happiness. What we didn't know at that point was that during the labour (mismanaged) she had suffered massive brain damage and at a few hours old stopped breathing in my arms and turned blue.

She survived, but she spent weeks in intensive care and she is left disabled. Next time I won't waste so much time worrying about the sex, and just pray she/he arrives safely because actually - it doesn't matter and my nephew who was a boyish rough sod is a loveable, cuddly gentle guy and we must not (as I had) inflict our worries onto them about how they might turn out.

These wise women speak a lot of sense, you don't have to repeat any patterns.

I was convinced I was having a boy. The scan wasn't clear so I didn't find out she was a girl until she arrived in my arms - a screaming little ball who I felt an overwhelming need to protect. Now she's a cheeky, funny strong willed 9 month old. My DH and I were saying today how much we can communicate with her even though she doesn't speak yet so there are many ways to communicate.

Her favourite game is to crawl away as fast as she can while I pretend I can't catch her. It has her in huge giggles so even now when she's so young we can play active games.

Pictures of her are on my profile - she's very far from being a 'princess', even now you can see she has a distinct personality and the same goes for all of my friends babies. They're all so different. You'll love her so much.

Honestly, you won't be bothered when you see her. The only baby you want is the baby you give birth to regardless of its sex.

I would tell you not to worry.

I wanted a boy first time around. I had a girl. I didn't find out at the scan and had the surprise at birth. It was a surprise as everyone thought it would be a boy inc the hospital who must have noted it as a boy incorrectly at 20wk scan.

I am not into pink and girly things and was always a tomboy and a very "male" type profession. No real girl friends to speak of.

I love my DD. She is fabulous. We are like two peas in a pod. She is all the good bits of me. Both in looks and personality. What I mean is she looks exactly like me (even my baby pictures) but the good bits of my features. And the good bits of my personality. It's so lovely to have a girl.

I now also have a DS. He is very different from me. And it has been a very different experience with him. Lovely though.

I found DD and I slipped into a lovely routine and its been easy with her (she is 3 now). DS is 15months and fairly hard work. Doesn't listen to me, runs off I shops and parks etc, a typical boy. My experience has been that a girl is easier (lots of Mners will now disagree with me) and a boy really hard work in comparison.

I know you had your heart set on a boy but having a girl is lovely. No doubt in time you will have one (or several) of each.

Try and enjoy your pregnancy and try not to think about it.

I found your thread researching advice about tricky female relationships, and am pleased to see you posted today so that I can reply!

I felt the same fear as you did about having a girl (I found out at the birth though so had less time to think about it) because I have always had tricky relationships with females, including my mother and sister, manipulative friends, and bullies at school, just like you.

The other posters have given brilliant advice but I just wanted to add that despite my issues I am head over heels with my little girl and can't imagine being without her. We have a lovely cuddly relationship, and she makes me laugh and learn every day. I think that being aware of these issues will help me to be the mum she needs me to be. I am ttc again and would actually love to have another! You will feel the same, promise! x

Hi there, I realise this is an old thread, but I'm interviewing women who are struggling with gender disappointment for my PhD, and I'd love to talk to you if you would like to. you can mail me on [email protected] or see my advert on the Media section. Kind regards, Fiona

Just wondering how you are getting on OP, I know you started this thread a while back.