sorry - another gender disappointment thread but I am so down :(

[emeraldgirl1]

I found out yesterday that we are having a girl.

I KNOW we are the luckiest people in the world to be having a healthy (touch wood) baby. I know there are millions of people who would kill for any kind of baby, most notably my best friend who has had a very upsetting miscarriage and now is struggling to get pregnant again. Needless to say I feel absolutely awful about these stupid and irrational feelings.

But I feel so incredibly disappointed and low. Despite the fact I was obviously prepared for this outcome. 50% chance after all!

But up until now I have thought of this baby as a boy. In my head it has always been a boy. Plus, it took me years to even be sure I should have a child and every time I thought about it, I thought about a boy and that was what made me think I probably should take the plunge one day. I have only ever seen myself with a boy. I have a wonderful bond with my nephews and have never managed the same with my niece. I know this is almost certainly just a personality thing but nevertheless after so many years bonding wit my nephew I saw myself even more as a mother of a boy.

This is not a 'don't like pink' thing. I am not un-girlie myself. This is about a lifelong history of screwed-up relationships between the females in my family, and bullying by girls when I was at school. My mum is a very difficult woman and I dread being like that to my daughter. My sister is almost even more difficult. She and my mum always had an awful relationship. My mum had a terrible relationship with her own mum and sister.

It took me 20 years to make good female friends; I am naturally more shy and uncomfortable around women.

In addiiton, there is DH. He always used to say (only semi-joking) that he would love a child but only if it was a boy. Before you judge him too much (I know that statement on its own sounds bad) he has his own good reasons. He has a hearing impairment that means, as he said rather sadly y'day, that he always thought he would be a better father to a little boy with whom he could run round and kick a ball and wouldn't need to be so verbal, neccessarily, to be a good dad. I know we might have had a son who wanted nothing to do with balls and running around (!) but that is unlikely as DH and I are both v active and love sporty stuff. On more trivial matters, DH is a HUGE sports fan, it is pretty much his main hobby and how he loves to spend time and I know how much he was looking forward to introducing that to his son. Again, I KNOW a son may not have cared about that and I know a girl may be the biggest football fan in the world but I hope you can see why that trivial sense of disappointment is there too.

I can't shake off all those off the cuff and silly (and unwise!) comments DH used to make in the past about wanting a boy and finding girls difficult (he also has a very difficult mother...)

I can't shake off the years-long image of me with a little boy :(

We may very well not have a second child, it's certainly not a probability and I feel I have lost something even if I never had it. I feel evil about thinking this as my best friend lost her baby and my feelings are not at all the same thing.

I said yesterday to DH that it is not that I DIDN'T want a daughter so much as I DID want a son. But I was up all night worrying about it and now I am not so sure. I dread my little girl turning out to feel the way about me that I feel about my mother. I am panicking that I won't know how to bond with her and that she will not be interested in me.

None of this helped by the (very well-meaning) sonographer who kept calling her a 'little princess' and saying she would be a Daddy's girl and I had better get used to being sidelined! Not the ideal thing to hear when you spent your school years being ostracised by a bunch of little cows!!!

Sorry - I know this whole post may be offensive to some people but if anyone has any advice on how to get my head around this, I would appreciate it so much. Thank you.

Thanks katesav - not only do I not mind you commenting but I really appreciate it! Your lovely post made me cry (and not in a bad way) so thank you.

Op- can relate to yr childhood and your reasons for not wanting dds. Pls, pls get counselling NOW to help you work thro these.

I didn't do that as i didn't have your awareness. Your awareness is such a good sign, despite what you may feel currently! Years on after their births, i struggle w my dcs despite their gender due to unresolved childhood issues projected onto them, not good for anyone. I am finally on proper counselling to resolve but cd have saved us all years of stress and heartache had i gone sooner.

It might be worth reading Toxic Parents or Children of the Self absorbed, if you can handle it while pg. Good luck.

What your DH needs to realise is that your relationship with your own child is completely different to your relationship with friends' children or even nieces and nephews. Whatever you bring them up with is all that they will know.

For example, when we were little the nursery teacher used to say to my mum she knew if it was one of us who needed her attention as we would never call out to her, we would tap her on the arm or the leg- because that's what we were used to at home. Also I used to grab my mum's face and turn it towards me if I desperately wanted to tell her something (even if she was talking to someone else!) as I knew she couldn't understand me unless she was looking at me.

Been there, done this.

Broken home, horrendous abuse, and constantly let down by any female in my life. I still don't trust women, and struggle with any female relationships. I had counselling for years. Never see my mother, haven't for years.

OK, so got pregnant, just assumed it was a boy. Had scan and it was a girl. Was seriously shocked! Anyway, was fearful that the cycle would continue etc etc.

I now honestly believe that you get what you NEED, not what you WANT. As someone said above, I do think its upto me to stop the cycle of abuse.

Look, when your child is born, its a baby, male or female, doesn't really come into it for the longest time. My natural instincts kicked in, and I literally didn't let her out of my sight for months. So precious.

I am NOT my mother, and neither are you. Trust me, you have your own history and family life to create. It will come so naturally. None of this historical crap will matter.

My DD is 3 now, life goes on, she is happy, with some issues although not of my making!! I will love and support her to my dying breath. (Dramatic, but true) I could not see myself with a boy now!

Sometimes I look at my DD just feel sorrow for the little girl I once was, and the abuse I suffered. It makes me so determined that she will NOT have the life I had.

You will honestly be a great mum, because you know what you don't want.

Sorry for the ramble hope it makes sense.

It's very natural for you to carry your own life experiences and expectations with you wrt to the sex of your child.

For the sake of this child, who knows nothing of your family relationships, treat her as a fresh start. A new relationship.

You can still do everything you and your dh wanted to do with a son. My dd loves football and is not interested in anything girl.

Be positive. This is a great chance to break the pattern of poor female relationships.

tantrumsandbananas - wow what a great post thank you so much.
I am so sorry to hear about your abuse and so pleased and impressed to hear how strongly you have fought to forge a fresh path. I hope I can do the same.

I think you've been sent a little girl to help you repair some of the damage caused by bad relationships with females. Just give it time and don't be so hard on yourself and I'm sure everything will fall into place.

I'm so sorry cup of tea.

Tantrums post is great and so is the fact that you are getting some counselling as hopefully it will really help before your DD arrives.

FWIW my MIL is a nightmare (I suspect Narcissist PD). She had a difficult relationship with her own mother. She has no sisters, no daughters and no female friends.

Try and see the gift of a daughter as an opportunity to break the cycle. MIL has never had the opportunity and she has distant relationships with my SILs and a very roller coaster (currently on a major downturn ) with me as a result.

Also, my DH is a sport nut - he and our (only) DD both have season tickets for our local team - I hate football - it drive me nuts!

cupoftea I'm so so sorry love, really hope you have lots of RL support at this terrible time massive hugs (((((((((()))))))))))))))))).
OP This really isn't as uncommon as you think, I've seen it loads of times!! And it always seems to be the girls that are the disappointment :(
BUT i have never seen it continue, not for one minute after they are born :) It will all fall into place, and you DH will communicate with your daughter just fine. good luck with your pregnancy :)

emeraldgirl you are NOT being an idiot! Absolutely the opposite!

It's very, very brave of you to post on here. You are taking the first vital steps towards breaking the terrible and destructive bonds of your past, and it takes true courage to even start to admit fears like yours. The very fact that you are asking for support and advice now, even before your child is born, shows you have the desire and determination to be a different mother to your own child. You have already started to make changes.

I second having counselling now, before your baby is born, and then after her birth find a good mother and baby group. This will offer you support and friendship, and also give you the chance to see how other more confident parents behave with their kids. I used to copy things other happier, more confident people did, like saying the positive things they said to their kids, or learning to be patient, or learning to control my fears. I used my strong friends as kind of role models for what positive parenting is like.

Children are very adaptable. Your child and DH can learn sign language to communicate freely and effectively; this will probably be harder for your dh than your daughter! Could be a lot of fun. Would he do this? FWIW, ds2 (third child) and I automatically developed our own sign language in the months before he was able to speak, and by age of 1 he had a sign vocabulary of about 100 words - he was a fantastically contented baby because he could 'speak' to me. This just happened naturally; you can definitely develop a whole sign language between dh and your daughter.

My dd hates pink and always has (she loves yellow), wears biker boots never heels, is completely her own funny, fabulous self. I had very harsh, difficult relationship with my mum, and was bullied too, and was terrified of having a daughter, but loved her from the new start that was her birth. But I actively sought out all sorts if help, from professionals - my hv was amazing - and friends because I was absolutely determined not to allow my children to grow up the way that I did.

It's wonderful having a child, and you sound like you're going to be a wonderful mother, especially with support. What I realised was that strong families offer each other support within their families; I had to, still do, seek mine from outside the family. Was hard at first, but sooo necessary, and definitely essential at times. And these were the days before mn!

You could be enjoying your pregnancy more without all these anxieties; you sound like a lovely person.

My daughter is a cub and a footballer and when we go shopping (rarely) we only go into he boys department as she hates girls clothes..

You will be fine you will love the bay that has developed inside you for 9 months- such special times- ENJOY

lemontruffles thank you so much that is really nice of you to post.

I think you are right about the support thing - it is tough at the mo as my best friend has had a miscarriage and is struggling to conceive again so the very LAST thing I am going to do is call her up and say, oh, hi, just to let you know the scan was fine but I wish it wasn't a girl!!!! I do have other friends but I have always struggled to express myself with them in terms of things I am anxious about - I am always the one doing the supporting as that is the pattern I learned with my mother :) My counsellor will help I think.

I think really what it boils down to is that I fear, for example, those moments where she is being strong-willed as a toddler and refusing to do something - with a boy I think I would admire that, as I do with my nephew, and think how wonderful that a personality is developing. I think with a girl I will panic on a very visceral level that she is trying to domineer me the way my mum and sister and other women have done in the past, IYSWIM. I am sure I can learn how to cope with this feeling and manage it better but right now it feels impossible. I know I am over-thinking!

My mum didn't want a daughter because of her fraught relationship with her own mother. She didn't really know what to do with me when I came along. But it turns out that we get along much better than she and her mum did. Your DD's relationship with you will have a different dynamic. Your DH might have wanted a boy but who's to say a boy would get on with him and like sports etc.
Also, I worried about the girly princess crap, I didn't want a DD because of that. However, most people said to me that princesses are made that way by their parenting and so if you don't encourage it you should be 'safe'!

I had hoped my baby would be a girl. I found out on the scan that he was a boy. I felt a bit disappointed throughout the rest of the pregnancy. As soon as he was born that faded away and he is the cutest funniest little thing. And that's all he is for a few years, a thing not a gender.

Congratulations and good luck with pregnancy, birth and the next 18 years!

Only thing i would add is that hopefully that bond will be there from the start..but it may not. Birth could trigger stuff for you and bond may need to develop over time so pls don't compare yourself to other mums.

If you're aware of this and have enough support, you'll be okay. Great that you have counselling.

You'll love her when she's here. By then you'll have "mourned" for the boy you imagined and will be ready to love your daughter. These feelings aren't particularly rational - I was really disappointed to find out that DS2 was a boy and then I was disappointed that DD was breaking up my Boy Gang. Needless to say I love all three of my children equally and have done from the moment I set eyes on them.

Your family relationships will be what you make them, not what things were like when you were a child.

My DD turned out to be a sparkly princess and a brawling tomboy in equal measures :)

I felt like you when pregnant with my first.
All due to a terrible relationship with my mother (and she with hers)
I was terrified of history repeating itself.

I had a little girl and she is the joy of my life.
I simply use my memories of my childhood as a guide of what not to do.

I know it's hard to imagine now, but I'm sure you will be fine.

Emerald, you're NOT ocer-thinking, this is good stuff! Take it further with yr counsellor. Your awareness and maturity now will help you avoid the situations you fear, do you see??

As i said in my earlier post, I wish I'd had your awareness in time to avoid years of heartache - and feeling guilty and inadequate as a mother. Deal with it now and you've got a clean-ish slate (no-one's perfect!) when your dd is born.

How about hanging around with some friends and their daughters (of any age) to give yourself some positive role models iyswim? It would maybe help you be able to imagine a happy future relationship for you and your daughter?

Also, when your baby is born I would try and make friends with lots of other new mums.

I learned so much about motherhood from old and new friends and was able to make my own blueprint for it that wasn't based on my own childhood.

emeraldgirl1 - I can really relate to a lot of what you have said. I am expecting my 3rd baby in a couple of weeks. I stupidly thought it would be another boy and when I was told she is a girl I was distraught and I am not exaggerating.

It´s funny as everybody else is so happy about it being a girl and I don´t understand that personally.

I have a very poor relationship with my Mother, I am an only child and all I can think about is how I will inevitably become my Mother and have history repeat itself. I was also bullied by girls at school and had terrible confidence and anxiety issues for years. For some reason I associate this with being a girl. I have 2 boys already and this has never come into my head with them.

I had hoped that by this stage in my pregnancy I would have felt better but I don´t, although I am willing to accept that hormones may be upsetting my thinking at the moment.

peterpie I am sorry you feel the same way :(
I hope this thread has helped a bit?
I wonder if hormones don't help, too...

Great advice. I just wanted to add two things:

Some women do not experience the rush of love for their babies immediately. I didn't. It took me nearly a year to really adore my baby. Please don't assume it'll all just happen - it will happen, but maybe not straight away.

When I was pg, I didn't know my baby's gender, but assumed it would be a girl. I only started opening my mind and heart to the idea of a boy when I decided on a boy's name I really liked. DS was born and although I was disappointed with his gender, his fab name has helped me to get closer to him.

Two years in, we love each other madly. It's brilliant. You will get there!

Lots of great posts here! I too have a two year old DD (hi newmum!) who is far from being a princess. She is showing her will much more now, but to be honest I don't feel it as anything like "domineering the situation", I just see it as her developing her own tastes and judgements. I know it's easy for me to say that as I haven't had the same history as you have, but just to present a view that you can take that common "terrible twos" stuff in lots of different ways when it comes.

Also, boy and girl babies and toddlers are much less different from each other than adults might think (Cordelia Fine's Pink Brain Blue Brain is very good on this). We react differently to boys and girls but in themselves, their capabilities and potential, they are massively more similar than we often give credit for.

Morris thank you - interesting that you say that about the name, yesterday after the scan I went off and bought a names book and sat with a muffin and a coffee trying to find names that I liked and that would help bring her to life IYSWIM. I have come up with a few so far and it has helped a little bit. I need to think of her as a real person now, I think, and get to know her the way I thought I was getting to know the same as-yet-unborn 315 gram baby when I htought he was a boy