Announcing via Facebook

[weeblueberry]

In an ideal world, no I wouldn't do it. But as a result of working in the US for a year most of my friends are scattered across the globe. I'm sure they'd all like to know we're expecting so we're talking about putting up a FB announcement.

Before I'd joined Mumsnet I'd always just assumed I'd pop the scan image up and everyone and their rabbit would congratulate us etc etc and everyone would know. But I've read a couple of threads where people are quite against the scan image thing because a) it's considered tacky and b) it could be upsetting to someone who (unknown to me) has just lost a baby or is having trouble conceiving. One of my colleagues mentioned a couple of years ago that having problems conceiving was made really difficult because every week that went by seemed to have someone else pregnant on FB.

So what did you do? Ultimately without sending dozens and dozens of individual emails it's not practical to tell everyone without the 'mass spend' idea but I'm open to suggestions? Similarly I'm not keen on the whole 'tell them as and when' as there are a lot of people on my FB who would love to know but I don't see on a weekly, monthly or even yearly basis!

What do you guys think? How did you announce it on FB if you did it at all?

In my first pregnancy, I did announce on FB, after telling important people first, and did the whole scan picture thing. I wince a bit at it now to be honest. I really wasn't thinking about how I might upset people, and am far more aware of that now. I won't be announcing my second. The only friend I know for certain to be TTC and having problems has hidden me on FB because of photos of DD, but I have told her properly anyway. But I don't know if others might find it hard. I've also not told any family yet - for complicated reasons we're waiting till our 22 week scan - so I can't talk about it on there anyway. If all is well, I'll probably refer to it in passing after the next scan or something, as there are people on there I'd like to tell who might otherwise not know, but it won't be a big thing.

I think you're very kind to be thinking of others as you are. Would emails to defined groups of friends be feasible? If you do decide to go via FB, I think most if not all people would think it was great news, so if that turns out to be the easiest thing, please don't worry too much about it.

I announced it on fb after my close family knew and I put the scan pic up i don't see anything wrong with it . its a great way to let all your friends and family know .... why would u want to hide it , I really don't understand some of these posts lol

Is it not so 'look at me' though? Who cares really unless it's a close friend I family who I'd presume you wouldn't want finding out of FB? If it's not a close friend or family why then run the risk of upsetting people for a FB 'moment' that most won't even raise an eyebrow at?

• close friend or family

I don't understand it because who adds people other than close friends and family to FB?

What's next if you don't post this on FB? don't post pics of the baby? don't post an announcement that the baby was born?

I have hundreds of FB 'friends' that I've gathered over the years, old uni acquaintances, former work colleagues etc etc. Certainly not all close friends and family, but would still be odd to 'defriend' in case I bumped into to them. I wouldn't want these so called friends seeing inside my womb. Or for that matter knowing I was pregnant until the later stages when I was more confident that the baby was ok and on its way. That's just me though. Also think it's so 'look at me' in the possible expense of people's feelings.

But couldn't everything on Facebook be regarded as "look at me" in the same way, whenever anything puts up anything positive about their lives? What about a new car? Is that insensitive to people who can't afford to upgrade an old banger? A new house? Insensitive to those who are unhappy renting? A career success? Insensitive to those who are out of work? A wedding? insensitive to friends who are unhappily single? I don't see why celebrating the good things in our lives is at the expense of the happiness of those who are not so fortunate. And at what point is one safe to reveal details of fecundity in order to avoid upsetting those who can't have children - when the child is 1 year old? 5 years old? 16 years old?

When I had a miscarriage, I didn't find it easy to see other people's baby announcements, but I never wished the announcements away; I understood that it was my issue to deal with, not theirs to protect me from.

The nature of Facebook (or any other social media) is "look at me!" Look at what I did today, look at what I had for my dinner, look at what my cat does, look at what my political views are, look at what I find funny, look at what music I love at the moment.

I'd rather hear actual interesting "life event" type news on Facebook than humdrum random thoughts that someone might happen to have.

You can only be sensitive to situations you are aware of (and you should be sensitive to them) but you can't possibly know the personal circumstances of everyone you know on facebook.

FWIW I used to be a youth worker in England before moving back to Aus, and many of the young people I worked with, and their parents, are my friends on facebook. I want them to know our good news, but couldn't possibly contact them all individually. That's just one group of friends I have who are not particularly close, but still important to me.

I personally think that people who post anything like 'I've got a new car' 'I've got a new house' 'I've been promoted' are bragging and it really makes me cringe. It's rude to brag. For my FB is for connecting with people, not bragging which it is increasingly being used for.

But isn't announcing a pregnancy, for many people, a way of connecting? Of keeping their friends up to date with their lives?

But why do you need to keep a host of not-so-close friends 'update' with your happenings? It's conceited. I personally use it to connect with old friends via personal messaging and to keep them 'all in one place'.

Also announcing a pregnancy is a lot different from saying 'I've got a new car' Secondsop.

I think it's personal choice, what works for you doesn't nesasseraly work for others! I hate FB and I don't put anything on it, I'm 30 weeks with my 4th and I wouldn't dream of putting anything on FB about it and I have no intentions of announcing it once its arrived......my DPs sister on the other hand puts her life story on there, scan pics, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, labour/birth pictures, she aires her dirty laundry on there........I think it's a wall of shame at times but it works for her so I say nothing! Lots of my friends have their scan pics and do a count down to birth, it's great if it works for you.
I travelled a lot and have friends all over the world who I spent nearly a whole afternoon emailing, ringing and texting to tell them my news.....for me I think it's more personal and I enjoyed seeing, hearing their reactions. I have to say I would be upset if I found out about certain friends via FB, one of my best friends lives in Canada and I found out she'd got married via FB and if honest I was heartbroken, I never said anything as that's what she'd decided to do and there's no way I would have ruined it for her but it hurt
I also think it lets you know where you are friendship wise with people because if I found out via FB I would think I wasn't really a friend, more of an acquaintance!
Do what works for you and if they are your friends even if they don't like it they will go with it

What do you mean by "connecting with people" if that doesn't include updating people on what's happening in your life? I can't imagine that you would ever have a situation where the news that you where moving house or pregnant was less signifiant than something else happening in your life. It's hard not to brag when the updates are good news.

Major life changes should be mentioned. I'd rather hear that someone's moved or is pregnant or has a new job or other important stuff than hear what they had for lunch or that they sat at London Bridge on a non-moving train for an hour (unless I'm about to get on a train going through London Bridge, then it's good to know there's train problems).

If you want to just use Facebook as a way of collecting contacts without sharing your life with them, you should look at LinkedIn.

mylittlepuds I don't have loads of not-so-close friends on my Facebook so it sounds like we use it in completely different ways. What i do have on it is people I dearly want to remain close to but that circumstances make difficult, eg they've moved abroad. Facebook is the way me and my friends collectively keep up with the nitty gritty of our lives all together, as a community, so that when we do meet up, we don't have to start with "so what are you up to at the moment then".

My car example was simply to take and stretch, arguably to absurdity, the viewpoint that personally isnt my viewpoint, namely the analysis that one shouldn't announce good news on Facebook for for fear of affecting those who have not had such good fortune. I was trying to ask the question of where on earth such a viewpoint would end, as it seems to me that it would make it hard to ever share any good fortune ever. I was not saying that pregnancy is like a new car.

Also littlepuds, I'm sure you didn't mean it to sound harsh but I don't desperately appreciate being described as "conceited" when you know very little about me or my life or the way I share information with my friends.

I didn't describe you as conceited - I described those who updated statuses with the like of 'I've got a new car' as conceited. Ridiculously so.

Sorry, I misunderstood. But I still don't personally have a problem with people being a bit pleased with themselves. For all we know they could have been going through a really tough time and the new car or job or whatever could have been a major boost to their confidence, so I find it hard to be anything but delighted for my friends when they share their good news. But i am going a bit off-topic from the original post now.

So do you consider a pregnancy announcement conceited Mylittlepuds?

I admit I'd put a new job onto my FB. Probably not a new car because, well, none of my friends would be interested in me having a new car but are probably keen to find out about major changes in my life ie car, baby, engagement etc.

I think it's all down to why you have FB and what you use it for.

All interesting food for thought and I really appreciate everyone's input

What's next if you don't post this on FB? don't post pics of the baby? don't post an announcement that the baby was born?

Pretty much.

MyLittlePuds - so what do you post about or do you not actually post? Some people just use facebook as a place they can go to when they want to send a message to someone or to arrange events via it, but for most people they do post about their lives, if you cut out anything that might be seen as 'boastful' you're just left with commenting about things that don't effect you, and the negatives.

So at what age are you allowed to mention this baby/child? Just checking?

How long must it be a secret kept away from FB?

Well it's not that I would keep it from FB lol. Just that I might not announce it but subtly slip it in at some point.

Exactly WeeBlueBerry. It's not a secret, but it's not a big announcement either. I don't have any photos of DS on my facebook either so it won't be strange to my FB friends that there's not pictures of the baby.

I use Facebook as more or less an emailing system - and so I can keep aware of any events etc friends are arranging. Nowadays if you're not on FB you can tend to be left out of the loop a bit.

In regards to FB pregnancy announcements - in my opinion fine if it's just close friends and family you have on there but wouldn't you rather let them know in person or on the phone, or even text? I'm sure they'd be disappointed finding out on FB.

If you're someone with hundreds on so-called friends and acquaintances on there I personally feel that not only is it needlessly showy, it's also risking people's feelings and in my personal opinion risky in that if something did happen with he pregnancy it'd be awful to tell all of those people your bad news. It could massively add to your pain. Each to their own though! I'm not asking anyone to agree with me.

And I totally agree with weeblueberry and mrsreiver. It may at some point come out if someone else mentions it. No need for the 'look! I'm pregnant!'