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Original poster

Tell me how wrong my reaction is! - gender disappointment

43 replies

therewearethen · 19/09/2012 13:30

Had my second 20wk scan yest and the sonographer (sp) thought it was a girl although she didn't sound at all sure and obviously they say they can't guarantee etc etc

This is our second child, we have a DD who's 4 and this is defiantly our last, I'm planning on looking into a more permanent type of contraception after bump is born.

Obviously I just want the baby to be healthy, but I was shocked by my initial reaction to the news it was another girl.

Having 99% decided we are only having 2, I guess I thought having one of each would make our lil family perfect, DP can do football practise and I can do the girly stuff!?

Please tell me I'm not the only one to have felt a little disappointed, will it pass?

I know how awful all this sounds so you don't need to tell me what a disgusting person I am because I already know.

OP posts:

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sparklekitty · 19/09/2012 13:35

I don't think it makes you a disgusting person at all hun. I don't have any experience as I'm on my first (a girl) but I know that my DH is desperate for our next to be a boy (like you we only want 2).

I think it's a pretty common reaction as you have an idea in your head of how your family is going to be and that's changed/different now. Just give yourself time to get your head around it and I'm sure your disappointment will pass x

stowsettler · 19/09/2012 13:37

God no, there was another thread on this just a week or so ago! This is my first and I am really hoping it'll be a girl, so I strongly suspect I'll be feeling like you if I find out it's a boy at the scan in 2 weeks!
The feeling will pass though, I'm sure. It certainly has for everyone else who's experienced that feeling, and there are plenty of us!

kilmuir · 19/09/2012 13:37

you are not disgusting, but come on you are having a beautiful baby.

CalamityKate · 19/09/2012 13:46

Well she might not be having a beautiful baby. Both mine were hideous.

JOKE.

Anyway. I was very disappointed when DS1 was born. I wanted a girl. I stayed disappointed for about a week and then one day burst into tears while I was looking at him, completely overwhelmed with love and gratitude.

When I went on to have DS2 I wanted another boy.

I think you'll feel differently when she arrives because she'll be a real person rather than an idea IYSWIM. Dont feel bad, and ignore anyone who tells you that you should x

Rockchick1984 · 19/09/2012 13:48

I felt disappointment when finding out that I was having a boy at my 20 week scan

I genuinely have no idea now why I was bothered, I couldn't love him any more than I do, and now at 18 months he loves football with his dad, baking with me, and all kinds of things. There's no guarantee what they will be interested in, and unless you are forcing your children to conform to gender stereotypes there's no reason your DH can't still do the exact same thing with BOTH your daughters!

AndiMac · 19/09/2012 13:50

You have another 20 weeks or so to get your head around the idea of another girl, it'll be ok. You aren't horrible for being disappointed of course, because it's an idea you are disappointed with, not your actual baby.

Just one more thing though: DP can take DDs to football just as easy as DSs. :)

NeverHadANickname · 19/09/2012 13:51

My Dad did all the football stuff with me because I was such a tom boy. I'd have hated all the girly stuff. My Mum never really got to do any girly stuff with me and i've only got a brother so it was boyish stuff all the way.

Original poster

therewearethen · 19/09/2012 14:12

Aw thanks for being gentle with me everyone! I prob didn't word it very well, I'm not very eloquent! Of course I wont in force stereotypes, in fact we've been looking at taking DD to kick boxing or some kind of martial art, although DP first came up with the idea and I think deep down all men want a little boy don't they!?

Hopefully I can post back in a week with a completely different outlook!

OP posts:

TittyWhistles · 19/09/2012 14:24

I know how you feel therewearethen. I've just had my 20 wk scan and found out we are having a girl, I have 3 boys and hearing the sonographer say it looks like a girl made me sink with what felt a lot like disappointment.

I realise now (i think) that it's just going to take me a bit of time to get my head around.

All my new baby imaginings have featured another tousled headed little boy shaped bundle, it's all I know really. I'm ecstatic the baby is healthy and it's sex is the least important thing but my experience is with adorable little boys, im not sure I would know what to do with a girl.

soapnuts · 19/09/2012 14:37

I started the thread about this a few weeks ago - it's perfectly normal to be disappointed at letting go of the image you had of what your family was going to be like. it's made even harder by feeling that you must be a horrible person for feeling this way. Give yourself a break - when the baby is born I'm pretty sure that you'll wonder how you ever felt like this and even before that I'm sure you'll get used to the idea of two gorgeous girls (I'm definitely getting used to the idea of having two beautiful boys). Beating yourself up about your reaction isn't going to do anyone any good.

minipie · 19/09/2012 14:42

I guess I thought having one of each would make our lil family perfect, DP can do football practise and I can do the girly stuff!?

Like everyone else has said, your DDs (or one of them) may well turn out to love football. Especially if your DH encourages them to love it. If your DH wants a boy talk to him about why - he will be making assumptions about what a boy would be like, just like you are. Once you get away from those assumptions there is no reason to prefer either sex.

MarthasHarbour · 19/09/2012 14:46

I was disappointed at my 20 week scan just two weeks ago when they told me that my baby had multiple anomalies.

I was a little bit more disappointed a week later when at my second scan they told me my babys heart had stopped, and he had died.

A little perspective is required here.

ratbagcatbag · 19/09/2012 14:50

Don't be too hard on yourself, I think when people have the idea they want for their family, it's tough when it isn't the reality. I know lots of girls that are into footy and my DSS started off into footy much to my DH's happiness, only to discover he loves athletics far more, he does now at 14 play for a rubbish team because all his mates are there, but at athletics excels and me and DH spend most of our evenings up there now and help with officiating, team managing etc. My DH said he would never have thought he would be involved so heavily in something that wasn't football, but is very suprised at how much he loves it now, and not so much the footy.
I'm 12 weeks pregnant and we've decided to go for the suprise, although I want a girl lol

ratbagcatbag · 19/09/2012 14:53

Hi MarthasHarbour, that's so sad to hear and must be devasting, but the OP is still entitled to feel disappointed if it wasn't what she wanted or thought it would be like for her family, I don't think you can compare the two to be honest :(

MarthasHarbour · 19/09/2012 14:55

The title said - 'tell me how wrong my reaction is - gender disappointment'

Am i not to answer the question? I am sorry if it is not what anyone wants to hear. I didnt realise this was a one sided thread.

TittyWhistles · 19/09/2012 15:01

Oh MarthasHarbour I'm so sorry. All anyone ever wants is for the child inside them to be healthy. But after that, When it's made clear that that's the case, then preferences start to be discussed, and they are valid too.
it doesn't mean were not grateful we have a healthy foetus (and it doesn't mean we stop worrying how things might go later on in the pregnancy).

MarthasHarbour · 19/09/2012 15:01

I am hiding the thread now. Please OP just be thankful you have a healthy baby.

JuliaScurr · 19/09/2012 15:03

some boys don't like football etc. there are quite a few girls who love football. women's football was sold out at the olympics. dh will have someone to play footie with.

minipie · 19/09/2012 15:06

Oh Martha how terrible for you. I'm so so sorry. And I think that your post is actually quite likely to help the OP to realise she shouldn't be disappointed. Which is, as you say, what she asked for.

ratbag people are entitled to feel however they want to feel but that doesn't mean their feelings are justified.

shutitweirdo · 19/09/2012 15:08

I wanted 2 boys and really didn't want a girl. We found out after a cvs that my 2nd was a girl. I was relieved that all was ok but disappointed. I was glad we found out so I had time to get used to it. It took a while but now I'm glad.

iknowwho · 19/09/2012 15:17

Everyone in the world seemed to think I was having a girl with DS1.
I ended up believing it myself. I had psyched myself up for a girl and she was a him!!

After a labour that started out quite straightfoward but quickly went wrong I was really sad when he was born.
I thought I don't know anything about boys and I just waved him away and collapsed, sleeping for about 20 mins. I woke up to see my DH, who is massive, with a huge grin on his face holding DS saying 'DS, look mummy is ok now, let's go and say hello'

I never looked back from there or thing about gender again.
Just thought about how lucky I was to have a baby!
I'm sure you will be the same once the love hormones kick in!

jellybeans · 19/09/2012 15:19

I know how Martha feels. I am so sorry Martha. I found out at the scan that my baby had severe life threatening abnormalities. 4 weeks later she was stillborn. Before that I never seriously considered that would happen to me! I just naively thought I was going to see the baby and find out the sex. I was early 20s!

I then later had a baby just a couple of weeks off viability who was too premature to survive and also stillborn. In addition early miscarriages. So I find it hard when people are disappointed at a healthy baby. Having had both sexes I honestly think both are as fab. I was abit miffed, not disappointed though, at first with boys after girls but only as I was 'used to' girls and had no brothers etc. So was worried as only heard negative things and all my friends with boys were 'desperate' for girls (their words).

However it's a few years down the line for me and I realise that having not been through it people can't understand but that isn't their fault. In a way no one can live thinking bad things will happen to them we have to block that from our minds to function
properly.

Being abit disappointed is fair enough but realise the baby you get is not the one in your fantasy anyway. This one you have is the one you are meant to have despite what you imagined. Whatever its gender you will love it. But there is nothing wrong either with people pointing out that you are so lucky to be having a healthy baby either as it is true.

ratbagcatbag · 19/09/2012 15:27

Minipie - I certainly didn't mean it horribly to Marthasharbour at all, I guess what I was trying to say, is just because someone has had an horrific experience, it doesn't mean it's a competition so therefore OP can be upset but for different reasons. I'm not wording it well, so apologies, but I am sorry for Marthaharbour and feel sorry for the OP too.

ScrambledSmegs · 19/09/2012 15:48

Well, your reaction isn't great but I do understand it. Society seems to expect us to want 'one of each' so when we have two of the same gender we often receive dumb comments like 'oh, you/your DH must be so disappointed' . And my personal favourite 'well you can always have another' - ffs this one hasn't even been BORN yet! So I get the whole disappointment thing, as it's something that we've just been programmed into I think.

There just seems to be this horrible cultural expectation now, that we must want two children and they must be a girl and a boy. And a lot of people now feel like failures if they can't/don't have that.

I'm apparently having DD2 (about 7 months now) and the amount of people who've 'sympathised' with me is ridiculous. Either that or disagreed with the sonographer! It was weird at first, because I had such horrific MS that I thought it must be a boy or twins but I can't say I was ever unhappy to know I was having another girl. But hormones are shit, and after a while of fielding these comments I actually started to believe that I was a bit disappointed, before I shook myself out of it. You will have a baby, OP, and you will love her so very, very much. Accept your sadness about the baby you won't have, but do try to move on quickly so that you can enjoy your pregnancy and the imminent arrival of the baby you will have.

Martha and jelly - I'm so sorry for your losses.

jellybeans · 19/09/2012 16:10

I got comments with DD2 also. One friend said I probably had girls as DH must have weak sperm! A few others said DH must be disappointed. Another friends husband said he was glad he had a son as girls just 'weren't the same'! He went on to have a daughter so bet he has changed his tune now! The worst comment was MIL who said when we learned DD3 was a girl at the 20 week scan (along with severe life threatening problems) was 'poor daddy' and she looked so serious, it was not a 'joke'. Never mind the fact that things were touch and go at that stage that gender really was irrelevant!

I think people often assume women want girls and men want boys. And I agree people with more than 2 the same get awful comments. If I see someone with a baby with siblings of same gender I always say nice things would never say anything bad. I was once out shopping with a friend and a woman came up and asked if she was disappointed with DS2! Not a congrats etc.

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