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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Tell me how wrong my reaction is! - gender disappointment

43 replies

therewearethen · 19/09/2012 13:30

Had my second 20wk scan yest and the sonographer (sp) thought it was a girl although she didn't sound at all sure and obviously they say they can't guarantee etc etc

This is our second child, we have a DD who's 4 and this is defiantly our last, I'm planning on looking into a more permanent type of contraception after bump is born.

Obviously I just want the baby to be healthy, but I was shocked by my initial reaction to the news it was another girl.

Having 99% decided we are only having 2, I guess I thought having one of each would make our lil family perfect, DP can do football practise and I can do the girly stuff!?

Please tell me I'm not the only one to have felt a little disappointed, will it pass?

I know how awful all this sounds so you don't need to tell me what a disgusting person I am because I already know.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PeshwariNaan · 19/09/2012 16:14

I think it's great to have siblings of the same gender. They will likely be so much closer as they grow up, and you won't have to re-buy all their clothes and toys! As for football - can girls not play football in this country? It's quite common for little girls (and big girls!) to excel on soccer teams in the US...

jkklpu · 19/09/2012 16:15

lots of good reasons in these posts either not to find out the sex or, if you have to, not to tell anyone else

dontmixthecolours · 19/09/2012 16:22

I too found out at my 20 week scan that DS had died. Please put your disappointment into perspective.

I really hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well

mrsdaisaku · 19/09/2012 16:29

Not a bad person at all, I also posted about this about two months ago. I had been told by the sonographer that she thought we were having boys, so we got excited about the prospect as dh and I have three girls already between us. Then at 18weeks told us she had changed her mind and thought it was girls (she's since confirmed the gender as much as she can and i've also seen on the screen).

But the disappointment was immense... So if it helps, it took about two weeks to adjust to the thought of more girls and just be happy with two healthy bundles growing nicely. We quickly started thinking about names and nursery ideas, which has all helped with the bonding process. I'm now very happy to just be able to say I'm having twin girls and don't care about people who 'sympathise' with having 5girls. I'm happy, they are healthy 'SOD OFF!!'. Good Luck hun

Original poster

therewearethen · 19/09/2012 17:54

I am so sorry for your losses MarthasHarbour, jellybeans and dontmixthecolours (hope I didn't miss anyone out) as I said or tried to say in my original post my primary concern is of course the health of the baby and I feel absolutely awful and disgusted with myself for feeling the way I do/did.

It's shocked me so much that I feel like this, that I've started doubting what kind of person I actually am! I feel like the selfish cow you all ^ must hate and I completely understand your comments.

I've even run through scenario's in my head should something awful happen that it would be my fault for feeling the way I do

Thanks for everyone's comments and my heartfelt sympathies for those who have lost x

OP posts:

JennerOSity · 19/09/2012 18:02

I am a girl and loved playing football when I was a kid. The personality will override the gender when it is its own little person and when you are holding your baby it will cease to matter. But we all have little dream scenarios and you felt a stab of disappointment when your fantasy bubble was burst. Not unusual, better to have it now than on the day of the birth I think.

Roll with the punches - it will pass. :)

jellybeans · 19/09/2012 18:40

therewearethen Don't feel bad about it, I don't think anything badly at all about how you feel, wasn't the intention of any of my posts. Just a perspective which may help.
I don't think it is bad to have a preference or be momentarily disappointed. Only thing that does bother me is those forums such as 'in gender' where they comiserate each other and that awful programme where they cry usually if they have another boy ('8 boys and wanting a girl' think it was called). You are not saying anything like that just slight disappointment which you are trying to deal with. So please don't feel too bad.

I agree with the above poster that personality overides gender in many cases anyway. I have DTs (boys) and one likes football and one doesn't for example. None of my girls did the pink thing or lelli kelli (thank goodness!) Also it IS lovely to have two the same gender (I am sure one of each is also) of a simelar age. I was very happy both my twins were the same gender as i thought they would be closer.

thing1andthing2 · 19/09/2012 22:07

I'm so sorry for those of you who have experienced losses.
I know where you're coming from, therewearethen, because I had a dd and wanted another dd for dc2, but found out at the 20 week scan I was expecting a boy. Momentary disappointment but then I had plenty of time to work hard on being excited about my boy. By the time he arrived, a boy was exactly what I wanted and now he's 11 weeks he is truly the most awesome baby and so wonderful. I can't believe I ever wanted anything different. You've got lots of time to come round to seeing the positives and your little girl will be so amazing and wonderful you'll wonder how you could have ever wanted anything else.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 20/09/2012 08:18

I think anyone who has had a loss would find it hard to sympathise with someone disappointed about having a different gender to the one they imagined. But there is also room for understanding on both sides, as people say, when you imagine your family a certain way, and it doesn't happen like that, there is always going to be an element of feeling odd or disappointed until you get used to the reality and imagining your family a different way, the way it will be with the gender of baby you are having rather than what you are expecting. There's no right or wrong here, Everyone's feelings are real and valid. Op, don't worry, give it time and you will get used to the idea I promise. A couple of weeks after the birth ill bet you will love it just the way it is.
For those who have lost babies, my deepest sympathy :0(

NellyBluth · 20/09/2012 08:22

The main reason I found out the sex at 20w was because I had always, always had this imagine of my future family being boys, but I had a gut feeling bump was a girl. It was. And I was ever so slightly disappointed. I wanted to find out beforehand so that I could get any disappointment out of the way before the baby was born, I was terrified of them going "congrats! It's a girl!" in the delivery room and me going "oh..."

Its not wrong to feel like this, it doesn't make you a 'disgusting' person. And as you know yourself, once the baby is here you can't imagine them being anything other than they are. I never in my life imagined having daughters, now I can't imagine DD being a boy.

milk · 20/09/2012 09:19

If that is truly how you feel then your reaction is not wrong at all :) You are not disgusting and gender disappointment imo is a real type of grief that needs to be worked through like any other kind.

Hope you are feeling better soon OP

sweetness86 · 20/09/2012 09:35

Same sex siblings are way better IMO I have two boys and they are so close! You dont get the same relationship with boy/girl I know I have an older brother.

Im a week off having my third boy and I was disappointed but its gone now and Im done with babys after this one is born , you get what your given x

megandraper · 20/09/2012 09:40

Same sex siblings are great. I have two DSs and then a DD.

You can't pigeon-hole activities by gender. DS1 loves ballet and craft. DD is a bit of a bruiser :) Try and enjoy both your DCs for who they are and what they like to do, rather than deciding they should do particular activities with a particular parent because they are one gender or the other.

I know that sounds pious, but I believe it. I was expecting (and very happy about) DC3 to be a third DS. Equally happy that it turned out to be a DD, but don't intend to push any of them in any direction activities-wide.

HoratiaWinwood · 20/09/2012 11:31

I "suffer" very strong gender preference, to the extent that ttc has been contingent on really truly believing I could cope if the sex were "wrong".

In fact, after a previous earlyish loss, then when anomalies were spotted at 20w and we started having to think about a lifetime of hospital visits, possible future transplants, etc, I still had mindspace for the thought "at least he is a boy". It is not as simple as not understanding what real fear/loss/disappointment can be.

It's about grieving for the child you will not have, rather than any rejection of the child you are carrying.

And for what it's worth, I've found their genitals to be among the least interesting parts of my children...

minipie · 20/09/2012 16:19

to Horatia

I'm not intending to criticise anyone by saying this, but I must admit I don't really understand the concept of grieving for the child you will not have.

If you get a child who isn't musical, for example, do you grieve for the musical child you didn't have? If your child is quiet, do you grieve for the extrovert you never had? Etc.

If not, why is gender different?

Dogsmom · 20/09/2012 17:13

therewearethen I don't think you are disgusting at all, I too have a gender preference and yes i do feel guilty but a million people could tell me how silly I am to feel that way and it wouldn't make a scrap of difference, I KNOW it's silly and I don't want to have a preference but I do.

We're having a private gender scan on saturday and I know I'll feel twinges of disappointment if it's not the sex I'd choose followed by huge twinges of self loathing however it doesn't mean I'll love them any less.

I have read numerous posts from women who were told it was a girl who then went on to have a boy (apparently it's easy to get them wrong if the 'bits' are hidden and less often wrong if they say it's a boy) so maybe have another private scan to confirm? The private scans are specifically to look at the sex and not like the 20 week scan where they don't spend time and effort checking the gender.

HoratiaWinwood · 20/09/2012 18:02

minipie I will try a different analogy.

Susie wants three children. Ellen wants two. Each currently has one, and a bump. Susie's second pgy is so horrendous (say HG followed by PGP followed by GD and PE) that she and her husband rule out a third.

Susie looks wistfully at her empty fourth bedroom. Ellen is mystified.

Neither of them is wrong.

Mama1980 · 20/09/2012 18:22

Heartfelt sympathises to all those who have lost. I think your feelings are understandable but you need to keep them in perspective. I found out I was having a boy at 20 weeks I felt a momentary disappointment literally just for a second, I delivered him at 26 weeks following a car crash and watched him fight for his life for months, I tortured myself that I had that seconds thought. So just keep perspective.

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