Partner's mum keeps buying things for the baby on her terms

[Aimeelou28]

Hey
My boyfriend's mum is really excited about becoming a grandma for the first time when our baby is born next February, and don't get me wrong, it is nice that the baby is so wanted by the family, but although she is a very caring person she is also a very controlling, 'taking charge' sort of person.

When we first announced the pregnancy, it took me weeks of negotiation to convince her that we really weren't going to want to put the baby in some ancient yellowing cotton nightdresses she had been saving in the attic; when I finally won the battle on that, the next thing she'd gone crazy at a car boot sale buying tonnes of massive toys that will no way fit in the current flat we are in (we are not moving to a bigger place till the baby is about 6 months old) and a Winnie the Pooh baby bath (I hate Winnie the Pooh). Her back bedroom looks like Toys r us!

She then rejoined Costco so she can go and get us a load of 'baby oil' etc in bulk- I don't even want to use baby oil- and although I am grateful, and said I was grateful, that she's helping out, I tactfully said it would be best for her to wait until we've drawn up a list of what we need before buying anything else, as I didn't want her to waste her money if she ends up getting something we've already bought ourselves...

That was a couple of weeks ago, then we went round last night and she announced she has bought a bright pink travel cot off her friend (we don't even know if the baby is a boy or girl yet) and a changing mat from a car boot sale (I already have a changing mat)! I just said thank you, and then I said I've finished drawing up the Christmas list for the baby if they want it, because we don't want anything for ourselves this year. (On this list I have put the exact brands I want for the rocker, play gym etc). And she said 'What makes you think you're getting any Christmas presents this year? Hahaha' and changed the subject. We have also previously suggested they could get the car seat we had chosen if they wanted to help out, and she acted really indifferent, like she didn't really want to. She'd rather end up spending a fortune on all this crap we don't need, that she's picked!! But it's my first baby, I'm in charge, and I want to call the shots on what the baby has. I don't mind when it comes to toys, but I'm scared she's going to end up getting more and more of the bigger things here there and everywhere without consulting me.

I don't really know what's the best way to handle it! My boyfriend might understand where I'm coming from, but at the same time he can be a bit of a mummy's boy and he won't have a word said against her, so I have to tread really carefully. Any suggestions gratefully received!

You've written a Christmas list for your unborn baby?

She sounds annoying but that is just a bit, um, I don't know. Its wierd and a bit grasping. Sorry.

Just buy the stuff you want and tell her to keep the stuff she is buying at her house as it will be so useful not to have to bring everything with you every time you visit.

I think the Xmas list is a bit strange and grabby.

This is really common, a quick search on here will show many of us have had problems with being bought things for new babys that we neither want nor need.

I think the only way to get by this is to tell her to stop buying things and that you don't want/will not use them but the only way you can do this is by expecting her to buy nothing else.

When you give her lists you are only reinforcing that you would like things bought and you just don't think what she is getting is good enough.

babies*

I agree with queen...

Get what you want regarding the big things and say how useful it will be to have stuff at hers. Also, regarding the baby cot - it won't matter whether it's pink or blue, it'll just be useful to have one! My ten week old DD has just spent quarter of her little life in a blue one with space ships on and she doesn't seem too gender confused.

I have just been there myself so I do sympathise - my MIL just brought a load of ancient stuff that we didn't want as this is her first grand-daughter, and I think she'd been saving some of DH's stuff for his baby, rather than using it for her grandsons (her DD's kids). However, tbh they grow through things so quickly when they're newborn, and also your opinions change. I didn't want to use baby oil/products at all on my DD but the time has whizzed by and suddenly she's ten weeks and it's a real pain in the backside to have to decant little bottles of olive oil to take places for moisturising her rather dry skin, and the evil baby wipes I'd been advised against at NCT are not that evil after all! In fact, what else would you use when out and about?

As I say, I sympathise greatly but try not to get too hung up about it and let it spoil planning things for your baby. Things change so much once they arrive and you only plan for the first one once, so just be grateful for her excitement and then do your own thing!

My tip- until baby us here don't assume it is 'crap'. Toys from a carboot sale are a godsend believe me, once your dc has got bored of all the toys you gave bought (and they will trust me) those toys will seem like a great idea. And I'm talking from experience, I was horrified my mil got a load of 'junk' from a charity shop, but she keeps it all at her house and my DD loves having varity in toys.

Also I know it may feel like she's interfering but just think if your baby is a boy this could be you in 20-30 years time ;)

Sorry for typos!

Aimeelou28 Bless you I feel for you xx I suspect that My Mum is doing the same thing, Knowing how she was with my sisters kids, I have very strong views on what we want for the baby (Im due Feb too, its my first too) but I also understand that people will get things or give things that they thing are good/.a good bargin and thats really nice, to have them thinking of us and the bub is a wonderful thing and I know my mum would get very upset if I refused her things, so I'll keep quiet and accept it all with thanks and love, i'll also suggest she leave stuff and her house!! and many people are unable to afford such things so you could after a while donate to charity or sell them on ebay or pass them on to others, Dont let it upset you sometimes its easier to smile and accept. xxx

"Thank you, MIL, it'll be really useful to keep one at your house for when we visit"

Then you only have to fight one battle - not letting it in your house - rather than many battles - each and every time she does it.

My philosophy for gifts (due with 1st in December) is to say Thank You, photograph baby in/with item, then store in the airing cupboard until he's clearly too big for it when I'll have some lovely pristine baby clothes to sell on to buy stuff that'll actually get used. 6-12m upwards sizes last so much longer than the early stuff!

Embrace the enthusiasm and accept that, if you want to control the budget and brand then you need to pay for it

I assume the "Christmas list" was a way of letting her know what things you actually need for the baby?

Anyway, keep saying "ooh thanks, but you keep that here at your house to use as we have one/don't need one/won't be using that/want something different".

Smile, and refuse to take anything home. If it arrives at your house, send it back. Or take it to the charity shop - "thanks for buying all that stuff, so kind of you, but we don't have room and it was so lovely, I wanted to make sure someone used it".

Purple's clothes idea is a good one. Looking back at my photos of dd, she is always wearing clothes my mum bought. She bought so many it seemed a waste for me to buy any. So I never chose baby/toddler clothes for my only daughter, which is kind of sad.

Sometimes MILs/Mums get so excited they forget about other people's feelings, and its hard to deal with because their selfishness is wrapped up to look like generosity.

I don't mean this to sound nasty, honestly I don't, but perhaps you should read your post back and see how you come across. While your MIL is undoubtedly annoying, you seem to be quite spoiled and demanding in what you're wanting her to do.

It's September. And you've written a Christmas list for your unborn child, specifying "exactly what brands" you want?!? Odd and grabby are just a couple of the words that spring to mind! If you want specific brands and so on, then I think it's up to you to pay for them.
Your boyfriend's mum can spend her money on what she likes. I quite like her comment of "What makes you think you're getting any Christmas presents this year? Hahaha", and her "indifference" at the car seat. Why should you be able to dicate to her what she buys?!

I just don't think you realise just how lucky you are to have someone trying to help kit you out for the arrival of your baby. I would LOVE it if my MIL turned up with toys, baby baths, even the "wrong colour" of travel cot, as these are things we won't be able to afford ourselves, and probably won't have at all unless we're given or lent them.
If there is genuinely no room in your house, as others have said, then suggest she keeps some of the toys and things at hers, for the baby to play with there.

As for the travel cot being pink - who cares? My little boy is going to be sleeping in a pink Moses basket for the first few weeks of his life, as that was what we were given. I hardly think he'll care.
I'd just let her get on with being excited and overenthusiastic. If you've already tactfully told her to calm down and not waste her money, then there's not much else you can do.

If you're in a financial position to "call all the shots on what the baby has", then great. But you can't dictate to people what they do or do not buy you as gifts.

Wow, she sounds super scary

I am going to give my MIL a big hug when I next see her!

I hate being given pointless stuff, and I hate that it makes me feel selfish that I do, I'm just a minimal kind of person!

Boyfriend's mum has always given me masses of pointless overpriced tacky stuff for christmases and birthdays, even though I always ask for just a small gift if she absolutely has to, so I was sort of expecting this, but mostly it seems deliberately designed to disagree with my tastes and opinions on everything!

Example 1: "what are you doing for a cot" "oh... actually I'm going to sleep the baby in my bed, I've heard it helps with breastfeeding? I'll think about a cot later..."

Bam!! She has bought me beautiful ridiculously overpriced moses basket with four (FOUR!) spare mattresses, AND stand! This thing must have cost £200 -it's brand new from Mamas and papas! Well, my cats like it...

Example 2: me: "I don't really like gendered stuff, I just like bright colours, I'm buying cute red/blue/green/yellow stuff for the baby"

Bam!! Half a car load of frilly white impractical outfits! Three white blankets. Pointed comment: "I think babies should be in white." Haha.

But what can you say but thank you? :) I did draw the line at christening dress with train that's taller than me (I'm not religious, there isn't going to be a christening!) and 4 foot tall terrifying fox that was apparently boyfriend's favourite toy (boyfriend: "I have never seen that thing before and now I'm going to have nightmares!")

My inlaws are the same. I'm really not precious about second hand stuff but things are only a bargain if you need them and they're useful.

They bought us an ancient pram from a carboot. Even though they knew we had just bought one (that suited out lifestyle/fitted in our car boots) and we really didn't need two prams cluttering up the hall. So that was £12 wasted.

They see toys in charity shops and snap them up because they are cheap without checking to see that they are intact/work. We got some stacking cups with the number 3 cup missing. And a bit of a puzzle with all the other bits missing and four identical pairs of 100% polyester pajamas. Oh, and randomly the tray to a highchair. But without the highchair (that isn't the one that we already have) its utterly useless and is now gathering dust in the garage.

I know that they're just excited but id really rather they stopped, thought and saved their cash to be honest.

I can see your problem - if you have a small house/flat you do have to be picky about what you can fit in. However I would delegate all conversations to your partner. Tell him either he can sort it out or find somewhere to store/someone who needs the stuff you don't.

It is annoying but as PP's have said, leave it at your MIL's house to use there. My mother has had toys in her house since her first GS was born 25 years ago, it's great for them to have different things to play with.

If you want specific brands for things though, you really should buy them yourselves, not put them on a list for someone else, very rude and grabby IMO. If you have already picked out a car seat, buy it yourselves unless she has explicitly stated she wants to buy the carseat.

You could just say that you feel uncomfortable having so much baby stuff so early, and could they wait til after the baby's born when you'll know more what you want/need as well? I don't think you can reject her buys and then give her a 'Christmas list', but if you just said you wanted to slow down on the stuff-buying I'm sure she'd understand.

It may just need a chat, as she may not realise that her enthusiastic buying is making you anxious. I did have to tell mil a while back that though it was lovely her buying dd so many clothes, I was starting to feel a bit deprived of an excuse to go shopping and buy cute baby clothes too...! She understood and buys less now, and more importantly often checks what we want/need first.

I woul def get your BF to drown her in praise and thanks for her enthusiam and helping out BUT you have way more than enough stuff now...could she put a halt to it.

Its raining on your parade, asking her - to look out for stuff - is one thing...her assuming it on herself to kit you out is another.

Part of the fun of a new baby is going out and getting your own stuff!

Asking her to look out for a cot - telling her what you want and her getting you one is fine...

Her taking it upon herself to get you a cot is a different matter.

My MIL and her mother had a lovely time picking out an expensive pram for DD - great - but I hadnt seen it - I would be using it - day in and day out ( dont drive!!!) she didnt ask us at all what to look for even.

She hated it when I got even the smallest things for our DD and severly frowned when I showed her two little vests from Jojo Babe Manon....

"oh I wouldnt bother you will get so much stuff"....I was expecting her to coo over them! She only wanted to coo over stuff " she" had brought!!!!

She also got us a cot - and a cheap of cheap car seat....made us feel guilty for getting anything on our own.

HOWEVER - you really can get amazing stuff now dirt cheap yourself - as an example I was at a local baby sale the other day - and there were TWO pristine beautful moses baskets with stands - £6 each on them! I had literally been in mamas and papas the day before admiring thiers....These were no different...

I looked and walked away as I already have one and he called out after me, " do you wanna take it for £3 quid, I really dont want to take them home!!!!"

I kicked myself after as of course could have one upstairts and one down, and it was much nicer than what I have!

with car boot sales - chairty shops - baby sales, ebay etc....whilst your BF mother is helping you out - its just not the same as perhaps it was in her day, you really can =- get the best quality stuff yourself for dirt cheap.

As for the toys - bags of toys are always been shifted round the circuit for free on freecyle! Charity shops and car boots...

This time round its been bliss not to have my MILS intereference it really has!!!

I also suggested writing a list for my Dh to give to MIL as a way of getting what we actually needed IF they wanted to help, but we didnt really bloody well want thier help in the first place and it was all crap.

Our list idea ( which never got written) was purley to try and chanel thier enthusiam in a postive way....we didnt actually want thier help at all.

As I am sure OP doesnt!!!

What she's doing is really unfair.

She's being totally overbearing and not letting you enjoy preparing for your baby in the way you want to, but putting you in a position where you seem like an ungrateful cow if you get upset about it!

It's manipulative and very insensitive

I think you need to practice being honest with her - to a point. Do tell her when you've already got one, and if it is too simply big for your flat.

I've never used baby oil btw - what is it even for? AFAIK, all babies need is water when they're young?

I don't think you sound spoilt at all btw, I think that's really unfair. It's obvious you're just trying to assert some control over your experience of being a mother!

She really shouldn't be buying big things like travel cots without consulting you IMO.

I do understand some of where you're coming from, car seats etc....I wanted to make sure I had the best one safety wise, price didn't come into it. But then, things like outfits, toys etc....i had what you are experiencing with my own mother, who works in a charity shop. I went with it tbh, and in the end enjoyed her enthusiasm. She's just excited, wants to help. Ask her to store it all for you.

Sadly DH's mother died tragically a few years ago, she was desperate for us to have children as well. She would have been a very full on mil, we miss not having her around very much and my DS has def missed out not having her as she was a wonderful lady.

My point it, don't sweat the small stuff, which this is - believe me, when the baby is here you won't give a fig about this, its just the run up to having a baby, you're nesting and emotions running high.

If your baby is a boy, I'm sure he won't mind a pink travelcot if he's staying at your MIL's.

Baby oil is for baby massage these days. Not sure what it used to be for. Baby massage is of course optional.

I agree with other posters that she's being pig headed and difficult. But definitely just refuse all of it and say it can be for at her house. If she wants to waste her money then that's up to her!!

aww.. shes trying to help out, i would agree with queenie and tell her thanks!! baby can keep it at yours for when he/she comes to visit. or if shes being too over bearing get your oh to have a quiet word with her after all its his mum.

I see your point but I think you are giving out slightly mixed messages. You don't want her to buy baby items but you have made a list of specific brands of things you want her to get? Maybe try to talk her out of buying things without you present, offer to go out shopping with her - that way you'll have a say in what is bought for the baby and she won't waste her money on things you have no intention of using. Congratulations by the way.

I totally get it. If I was you I would say very clearly that you are worried she is spending so much money when you have specific tastes and don't want your small house filled up with things you don't need. When my dh and I moved into our house my IL's filled up a WHOLE ROOM with boxes of RUBBISH they had collected at car boot sales. It took us endless runs to the charity shop to get rid of it. We are both really busy people and to say we didn't need that moment in our life is the understatement of the centry. It is your baby and you make sure you are happy with the choices are made for it. Setting the tone for your family is your job, not hers.